A
female
age
41-50,
*ellastar
writes:I love my partner and he loves me, but I dont feel like he appreciates me.I am an attractive lady and have always had a lot of male attention my whole life. I am now 36 yrs old and look probably 28 yrs old.Not that I am basing who I am off my looks as I am a very kind and loyal person. I have been through a lot of trying times in life and gathered a very knowledgable understanding of people.However, my partner is 43 yrs old and is constantly belittling my looks, my opinions and my intelligence.He talks down at me often, at times ignores me when i ask him things, never compliments me, but would rather tell me every day that I am a fat f@*k, even thou he will tell me when i ask that he is joking. He is a joker admittedly and not good at all at expressing emotions... which I believe he tends to show thru humour as expression. So all I tend to get is humour, anger (blame for anything and everything) or ignored.Is he just completely wired wrong? I know he has struggled with all past relationships like this and treated them terribly. He admits that too me, but he thinks that he treats me well... in which he does help me financially as he earns a lot more. However, that again is used against me as he does everything for me and that is how he shows his love.I know he has a control issue.. as he gets angry at me when I talk to my friends or family. I rarely see them anymore as we only see his friends and family.I feel that he is very insecure, hence the control and belittling. i know in his younger years he could have any female he wanted as he was the best at everything and anything that he did. His friends and family vouch for this. However, as he is older he carries the same front of confidence, telling me how good he is, how good looking he is, how he is a good catch, how great he is at work. His compliments are all about himself, never about me. Like I said instead he just calls me names jokingly or doesnt say anything nice.When i do question him about it, he will say in all seriousness that of course he finds me attractive and that he loves me. i do know that this is the truth as much as I rarely hear him say it, only more so when he has been drinking and showing his emotions more. that is the only time that he will out of the blue and continue all night to tell me his feelings towards me and show me the most affection.My concern is that I don't know if this will be enough expression for me in the future. I am 4 motnhs pregnant and won't tolerate be spoken down to infront of our child. I love him but it does hurt me knowing he is like this. I can't talk it over with him as he gets defensive and always implies that I am being stupid and trying to start a fight.Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): He is abusive. I don't know what to say though since you are pregnant and it must make it more difficult. I think you should try couples counseling first, since you are going to have a kid together.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (24 January 2013):
You know, I keep banging my head against the wall, and it really hurts. I got up this morning, and I banged my head against the wall, and it hurt. I did it yesterday, and it hurt, and I did ten minutes ago, and it hurt.Can someone please tell me whats wrong with that darn wall!!??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): If the guy you are with makes you feel bad about yourself, LEAVE. There is absolutly no reason why someone should feel like crap everyday.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Let’s start with the two statements:
“he loves me” and “tell me every day that I am a fat f@*k,”
A MAN IN LOVE does NOT tell you that you are a fat fuck. THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Do not kid yourself.
He gives you money not because he loves you but because he does not love you an does not treat you as you deserve to be treated so he buys your allegiance and love.
And he will abuse you in front of your child and teach your child that this behavior is ok.
IF you have a girl she will learn that accepting a man’s verbal abuse is ok. A boy will learn to be an abuser. Is this what you want for you kid?
BTW He’s 43. That is NOT old. (neither is 36) and his age is NOT an excuse for his bad behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): I agree with you he seems very insecure and needs to belittle you to others to feed his ego and feel better about himself, sorry but the way you say he talks to you don't sound like he loves you, you may think he does and is finding excuses for him, but in time I believe you'll tire of this and want out, everyone has their limits and don't know how long you'll stand this, so I'd stay start looking into ways of support myself If I were you, in case you already don't, this way you can leave him and support your child without being dependent on him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 January 2013):
 There is a serious inconsistency in your submittal.
Look at these to phrases:
"I love my partner and he loves me,...." and,
"....and is constantly belittling my looks, my opinions and my intelligence...."
ONE of those cannot be true.... AND, since that latter is demonstrable .... it must be the former....
This guy is no gentleman... and he doesn't love you, at all.
Decide if you want to spend any more time with him... absorbing his vitriole - as you know you must - OR, if you will part ways with him and get on with your life and hope to find a REAL, and NICE boyfriend....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 January 2013):
 These are huge red flags of an abusive relationship. Textbook examples. He is isolating you from your friends and family and whittling away your self-esteem. You need to get out now before he does something worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): Straight to the point: leave him. I won't waste your time telling you this and that. If you prefer taking time with counseling then that's your choice but since when has counseling ever been full proof? Its not like you go for counseling and everything is strawberries and rainbows after that. If you really love this guy, like really do and you're willing to enter that kind of process then do it, if not, leave. Goodluck
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Hi
Yes he has issues, he seems to want to keep you in your place so to speak. He knows your attractive young looking and get male attention, he isn't blind.Its like he's saying he is wonderful and youdon't need any of these men.
Thing is you love him so he doesn't need to put you down
You can leave and go to family.He definately needs a wake up call before the baby is born,you need to SHOW him you have had enough of his attitude,words aren't working.
If then he is ready to talk,to seek some kind of therapy, to adjust his attitude, then you can start to rebuild.
You can't bring a child into this situation so the sooner you can sort it one way or another the better for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Hon, this man is an emotional and verbal abuser - either get both of you into counselling. His behaviour wont get better it will probably get worse.
Two choices here, either accept the way he treats you or else start calling the shots - he has to go to counselling and work on himself or else you leave.
The emotional and verbal abuse will get worse once the baby arrives as he can then treat you as he pleases because you are now reliant on him...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 January 2013):
He sounds like a jerk and that won't change by talking to him. The only thing that would let him know what a jerk he's been would be to leave him, or at least make him think you are. He might finally snap out of it.
The only realistic alternative is to demand that the two of you begin counseling. Otherwise it will continue and your child will grow up thinking that it's okay to talk to someone like he talks to you.
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