A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Seeking advice on the following issue ;Having trouble actually letting go of my ex wife.Let me explain further - 14 months ago I found out my ex wife was being disloyal, I found messages of a sexual nature on her accounts as I had suspicions. Our marriage had been falling apart in the months prior. The reasons are not entirely relevant. We were married for 4 years together for 10. Met at 17 ( high school sweethearts ) I have gone through the usually terrible heartbreak at the beginning of the separation this involved self sabotaging behavior such as excessive drinking, partying and stupid meaningless sex. I have come through it well, since the separation I have become a lot fitter, more muscular , made huge strides in my career and post graduate study. I filed for divorce and served my ex as I can not take her back after disloyalty. I will not.6 months into the separation she reached to express how sorry she was, how she made a mistake and how she wanted to reconnect. She reiterate that she will always be there to talk. I completely ignored this and proceeded with the divorce and I have made ZERO contact since I moved out this includes through the entire divorce process as there were not children or assets involved. Despite all this I have not TRULY moved on, i have been in and out of a few superficial relationships.. I think about her everyday and all my achievements are motivated out of bettering myself to show her up. So next time she sees me I am this successful fit person. Most decisions and motivating factors involve her in some way shape or form with some mixed feeling of hatred, resentment whilst also missing her.....I know full well this is not healthy.I write this as during the initial stages of breakup I told myself this is normal but after 14 months this does not feel normal anymore and I want to truly let it go, let her go and be at peace. Does anyone have advice, pointers to achieve this.Thanks
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 January 2020):
 First loves are particularly difficult to get over because we have no previous experience against which to compare and measure what has happened. Given that you were childhood sweethearts, you have known nothing else. Your whole life up to this point has revolved around your ex. Now, suddenly, due to her behaviour, you are not only alone but also feeling betrayed. It is little wonder everything still revolves around your ex wife.
When things like this happen to us, we have two choices: we can stay bitter or become better. In order to become better, you are going to have to let go of the bitterness. Easier said than done, given the circumstances but, nonetheless, essential for your future well-being. You are already aware that your obsession with showing your ex wife what she lost is not healthy. You are going to need to forgive her before you can move on. That doesn't mean you forget what she did, or you take her back, but you need to let go of the bitterness so that YOU can move on with your life.
It really is early days yet. I know it doesn't feel like it but 14 months is no time at all to get over a hurt like yours, especially when it was your first love.
I once read something which has stayed with me and it was this: "holding onto bitterness is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting it to kill someone else". My advice to you is to accept your relationship is over. Accept there is nothing you can do which will change the past. Try to forgive your ex for her behaviour to free yourself of the chains with which you are currently shackling yourself to the past. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2020): The very fact your ex wife made contact with expressing a want to reconcile is bound to have thrown you. You seem absolutely sure despite your mixed feelings for her there is no going back.
I think you seem amazingly strong in mind and very insightful about yourself in admitting what has driven you to your success and progress.
Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for how you feel, you are going through a grieving process, one minute it will seem you are moving on then you will step back into other emotions as you have noted and described.
It will take time and obviously the divorce process will add to the feelings that you have.
I agree, get the divorce out of the way as you have said there is no going back for you and only you know if it is really irreparable. Let the dust settle, continue being in touch with how you feel while recognising what is driving your emotions.
She was your first love, you was together a long time, try to forgive her because no matter what she was incredibly young when she met you, we all make mistakes and she has to live and learn from hers. The finality and more time to accept will give you the closure and I have no doubts in time you will find happiness. Best of luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2020): Then continue to use it as a "positive-motivator." Stop when it becomes self-pity, obsessive, or provokes you to anger. The self-pity and anger that lead to the drinking and man-whoring is typical. That self-destructive behavior happens when you let the little-boy inside throw a tantrum. It's stupid! You can't relieve pain by creating more pain! Where is the logic in that?
So far, you've done very positive things with your life; but expect getting through a divorce to be an emotionally-draining task. Such a life-experience is quite serious; so it taxes the mind 24/7. You are entitled to a small measure of bitterness towards your ex. It comes before your subconscious-mind decides to let go and move on. That's when you've reached the point of acceptance and maturity. You decide enough is enough.
Part of getting-over being dumped by someone; for me, it was proving to my ex (and myself) that I will survive in spite of my heartbreak.
It's purely a defense-mechanism to want to show her up; so don't take it too seriously, or too far! Most human beings want to strike-back at whatever or whomever humiliates or hurts us. Your sense of self-preservation puts you in survival-mode; but you can't help but find yourself blaming the person who put you there. That's your immaturity and pride messing with your head.
Pride and ego wants you to suffer and dwell on the past. You want to prove something, or you're afraid others will laugh, or feel sorry for you. You have to employ logic and reason; and push past the inclination to be vindictive, or obsessed with her memory. It's not the last time in a lifetime that someone will break your heart. You can't collapse under this. Keep your back straight. You've got do a few things to give-in to the pain. Just don't be dumb about it!
You'll grow stronger with time and introspection. You learn what can and can't hurt you. She starts to fade-back into a place you only access when you want to; but those thoughts will no longer monopolize your feelings and emotions.
You must be human enough to experience pain; that's how you develop empathy and compassion for others. You'll hurt people and won't care; when you don't know how it feels.
Then comes the time you have to be strong enough not to allow the pain of your past to consume you. That's the hardest part. No one can tell you how to immediately stop your pain or thoughts of her. That takes time. You just stay busy doing things that are positive, constructive, and gratifying.
Help others when you find yourself feeling too sorry for yourself. When you are self-centered, you feel no freedom. You live in a bubble. You're too busy trying to attend to all your wants and needs; while life is happening around you. You're oblivious to anything that doesn't apply to you! You're trapped in your thoughts! Focusing on how she hurt you. All you can think about.
Make fun of yourself sometimes; never take yourself too seriously. It's okay to be proud, but not prideful. Pridefulness is conceit, and feeling too self-important. Dwelling on your disappointment in her, or jealousy, leads to anger. Obsessing over any problem too long will lead to a feeling of despair, or hopelessness. That's what drags you into depression.
You have to take adult-control over your feelings that may become self-destructive. Self-control is what helps us to deal with things that make us crazy. You don't give-in to every impulse, nor should you collapse everytime you feel sadness. Pull yourself together. Keep trying, even when it seems too difficult to do. It's like lifting weights. When working a muscle, you increase resistance. It's hard to lift at first; but with effort and repetition, it gets easier.
People these days want fast answers and immediate results. Sorry, but life doesn't come packaged, predictable, or automatic. It is what it is. You survive it, or you don't.
Part of your self-therapy was writing-down your feelings. You've expressed your emotions. You are cognizant of what bothers you. You even figured-out the primary cause of your unwanted-behavior.
When you part with someone you love, pain comes with it. Now all you have to do is realize that you own it, it doesn't own you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 January 2020):
 Sorry for the spelling mistakes :)
"Mostly because 50+ years ago the ENG goal was marriage and making it work. Today? Not so much."
Should of course have been END goal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 January 2020):
I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out, OP
Unfortunately, in many relationships that start out at an early age the likelihood of them being long long term are rare. More rare now than 50+ years ago. Mostly because 50+ years ago the ENG goal was marriage and making it work. Today? Not so much.
You brains are not fully developed, neither are your personalities until mid-20's. So the chances of OUTGROWING each other sooner is likely. What you want at 17 might not be what you want at 25-30 in life and in a partner.
This DOESN'T excuse her and the choices she made. They are ON her.
I think you betting yourself - to SPITE her can be to your advantage. If you let it.
You need to RESET your goals, hopes and dreams so SHE in no longer included in them.
Good that you are fitter now. It's perhaps something you should have started earlier for YOURSELF?
Good that you moved forward in your career and education, again, perhaps something you should have done sooner JUST for you?
As to how you feel about your ex. THEY are normal. Resentment towards someone who HURT you is normal. Hatred... isn't healthy or helpful. But again, kind of normal. You CARED for her deeply before so those feeling going a 180 isn't strange. And it's not like you have thoughts of hurting her, YOU just want her to KNOW what she let go, what SHE will be missing out on for the rest of her life - YOU and now a "BETTER" version of you. Again, TOTALLY normal!
I think you could benefit from a couple of things, 1. start a journal. Write down HOW you feel. What her actions made you feel. Work though the grief (and yes, you are feeling a kind of grief because you just LOST one of the most important people in your life.)
2. Don't try dating yet. For one, the ink isn't dry on the divorce. and two, YOU aren't over your ex. THAT is for you to MOVE on from, not a new woman to try and "fix" for you. TAKE your time moving forward. SOLO. SINGLE.
3. Whenever she pops into your head, either journal or say to yourself, HER loss. Cheating was HER choice.
4. BE critical when you go over your marriage, with the signs you might have ignored, your own behavior as well. MAKE the marriage and divorce a LEARNING experience for you. It sounds clinical, but it can perhaps help YOU move forward.
When you ARE over her, when you have come to the conclusion that you TWO weren't a good fit anymore, then you can start dating. But DO yourself and ANY potential dates a favor and don't HOLD the new person RESPONSIBLE for what your ex did. NOT all women are going to cheat. Not all women... etc...? OK? Don't carry it around with you for the rest of your life. Life is too short to carry HER guilt, HER misdeeds and HER betrayal around.
At some point you will hopefully get to a place where you can say, what is done is done, let's see what-else the World has to offer?!
Everyone has had a bad experience, a bad relationship. And while it CAN shape you you can CHOOSE to not let it RULE you or DICTATE your life from now on.
And of course there is also therapy. To TALK it through with another person. Someone who can give you tools to work towards a better future for you. But therapy is not for everyone either.
Drinking and meaningless sex will only leave you feeling more empty than before. So I'd skip that one.
Shit happens, OP
Either stand there in the shit or flush and move forward.
Chin up. IT will get better. Keep doing things you enjoy, but DO them for YOU, not to spite her. OK?
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (8 January 2020):
 Go easy on yourself. This was a person you loved, shared, created, made love to and was loyal to for 10 years....it will take years get over her and thats normal and very okay.
Theres a saying, the length of the relationship is equal to length of time needed to get over someone. Which was true in my case, dated my first love for 4 years and it took me 4 get over him (mentally, emotionally and physically) even though I continue to date and had lovers. He ask to see me again after 4 years and grab coffee, when we met up it was like staring into the face of a stranger/past memory. I was so over him, I was shocked. This was man who had deeply affected me and broke my heart and also my first love. Now just a guy and I couldn't believe they had so much power over me
Date, enjoy life, and youre on right path seeking health and fitness with career enhancements. It will take a while to get over her completely, she was your first love. But when you do, and you will...it will be rewarding. Even her memories and betrayal will no longer have power over you, that is when uour life is in your hands and your decisions are your own and not out of spite for her
There are No easy answer but continue to grow as a person. Seek friends, new hobbies, date new women , focus on your journey. That is how you move on.
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