A
male
age
30-35,
*dger
writes:I am 25 year old male and I have a girlfriend who is 23 and has a 2 years old boy. My mother has huge hate against her and I need you guys to help me solve the problem...I went to Japan for 3 months and I met a girl(Half Filipina, Quarter American, Quarter Japanese) I was speaking to her big sister and she felt sorry for me not having any friends in japan so she set me up with her younger sister since she was more closer to my age. So this girl (lets call her R). When the baby daddy found out that R was pregnant he ran off and made another girl pregnant. They don't speak to each other.That evening R added me on facebook and we started talking. Few days of chatting we started to really talk.. Every night all night and about after a month of chatting we went out on a date in the afternoon then out with her friends in the evening. Since then we have talked every day all day even now (4 months)About 3 weeks into seeing her, my mother flew over from UK to stop me from seeing this girl, just because she has a 2 year old boy. My mother has sent R emails telling her to back off and stay away. Also she hired a private investigator to track down on the Baby Daddy and my mother emailed him something (he didn't respond) Me and R tried to keep things to a low and let my mother calm down but recently R liked one of my picture on facebook then my mother commented "Leave him alone" and sent her another rude email. Ive been asking around on other sites and they all tell me not to let my mother control my love life. Stand up for myself. But She was a singe mother raising me and my sister on her own and I owe her Collage tuition. I don't want to disrespect her but R is special to me and I love her very much, I feel that she is one of a kind. Is there a way to get my mother's acceptance? R is not a criminal, shes not a druggy, she is not a prostitute and shes not a stripper... Only reason for my mother hating R is because she has a son and thinks R is trying to be with me for money and support. Help Please
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 so you were WITH R and your mommy came and made you leave and you agreed?
again I think the issue is your relationship with your mother that needs to be addressed.
A
male
reader, Edger +, writes (16 January 2014):
Edger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand every ones point of view... I have met and hang out with R for 3...4 weeks until my mother came over and interrupted. Currently in long distant relationship. My job that is about to start in April gives me chance to go to Japan 3 to 4 times a year (not for business). We speak every day (typing, calling and video call) I know long distance itself is hard.
I currently live with my mother as I just finnished my training in Oxford and next training starts in 3rd of February. Between then Ive been living with my mother.
R has a job in Japan.
About her sister looking for a good guy for R, well, if I wasnt a good guy I wouldnt be set up with rite? Its just what anyone would do...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2014):
While all the other aunts are correct in wondering how much actual time you spend with R, and what the situation is and worry that you may be blinded by love and being taken advantage of,
I'm a bit concerned that your MOTHER came to see you and has CONTACTED R (how did she know R's email address? did you give it to her?) and TOLD HER TO back off.
Also that YOUR MOTHER hired a PI to track down the baby daddy of the woman you are involved with and YOUR mother contacted YOUR girlfriends EX boyfriend....
how enmeshed with your MOTHER are you?
I'm wondering (aside from the relationship with R not being a good idea which until I know more about that I can't weigh in on) how healthy or unhealthy your relationship with your mother is....
at 22-25 you and your mom should be separating emotionally, it sounds to me like you and mom still have a young child parent relationship.... I need more info on two things
1. how often do you SEE R... is this a relationship where you spend time together?
2. what information have you given your mother... other than paying for college what else is your mother contributing to your day to day life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): Dude listen there's a catch. Her elder sister was interested in you and she saw the future partner in you for her sister. I think your mother is right, the girl must be only with you for her and her son's bright future but neverthless I could be wrong too. But that's what my instinct say.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 The thing is, you are blinded by love and if anyone tries telling you anything even remotely against R, you will choose to turn a blind eye and believe just what you want to. If you ask me, the whole thing does sound a little questionable. You havent given us much information, but the thing is, how much do you really know about R? Does she have a job? What about her family? You just know her side of the story about why she broke up with her baby's father but how do you know that's the real reason?
OP you have to remember that your mother has your best interests at heart. Yeah I know that's the last thing you want to hear now and that you owe her Collage tuition, but that's the very LEAST you owe her, after all that she's done for you. I'm not saying that you give up your dreams and your love, but how about you try to listen to your mother's point of view too? Your mother is not your enemy who doesn't want you to be happy; in fact, she'll be the one person in the world who will give up her life in a heartbeat just to see you happy. She's possessive of you as all mothers are and that is certainly not a crime and neither does that mean she doesn't want you to have a life of your own.
Don't rush into this thing with R. Give it time; time is the best healer and it also gives you a lot of answers. There's a reason why we ask people to wait and not rush into anything---because young love and a heady rush of emotions makes you feel like the world is only for you and you think you know what's best for you and you cant ever be wrong.
Take your time OP, get to know R better before you take any long-term decisions and also, try to talk to your mother and see her point of view too. A mother's intuition is rarely wrong. Remember this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): Are you sure the child is the only reason she hates R? I don't know what race you and your mother are, but assuming you're not Asian, I would seriously question if that's a factor here as well. Just something to think about.Have you tried sitting down with your mother and having a serious conversation about this? You can do so in a respectful manner. Be polite but firm in explaining that it's your life and, while you appreciate the tuition and everything else she's done for you, it does not give her the right to control your life now as an adult. And as your mother, you will always appreciate whatever advice she has to give, the final decision regarding who you date, etc. will be made by you from here on out. Tell her you're noting her concerns that R is only with you for money and support, but at the end of the day she doesn't know R or anything about her, certainly not like you do, and you've decided that she is the one you want to be with. Hopefully that works. If that doesn't, you're going to have to get a little more firm. Explain to her that you're done allowing her to disrespect you and your girlfriend with the e-mails and comments and stalking. Tell her that she doesn't have to accept R like family, but she will respect your decision to date her and she will be cordial towards her...and tell her that you're not going to have somebody in your life who treats you and your girlfriend like that. If she's incredulous that you're choosing your girlfriend over her, tell her that she made the choice, not you. Don't worry, you're not going to lose your mom forever, she'll come around and it won't take long.Asserting your independence as an adult is not disrespectful. Taking control of your life and standing up for yourself is not disrespectful. And by the way, it's something you need to do for your own sake, regardless of what happens with your relationship with R. Your mother is never going to let go of you on her own, and her attitude is going to cause problems in every relationship you have, even if she doesn't so vehemently disagree with who you choose to date. I'm guessing she also exerts great influence over everything else that goes on in your life as well. That's not good, for either of you. You can, and indeed need to, take control of your love life in a respectful manner.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Hi Edger, how much time have you spent with R in real life? Not via chat or email or other virtual ways… I mean specifically spending time in person with her in real life.
How much time have you spent in real life with R's son?
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 If I have to guess why your mother hates her, it would be because she sacrificed her love life to be able to take care of you and your sister. Now that she sees a young single mother trying to date you your mother reflected on her past and feels upset that she was not able to do so. Your mother also works very hard so that you don't have to go through, or be associated with the pain of being a single parent. She wants you to have the best, and to have ideal partners who give you an experience which would never remind her of the pain she had gone through. Hiring a personal investigator is a little extreme. Your mother thinks that she is with you for money and support and she is right. Doesn't mean she can't love you, but money, support and a father for her son would be the main reason. I think she hired a personal investigator to find out if the baby daddy is paying her child support. She doesn't want you to be supporting any child which is not biologically her grandchild.
I don't know what brought you to Japan, but maybe your mom is afraid that you would stay in Japan and leave her behind in the UK. If your mom is so strict about who you hang around with it is difficult to understand how she could send you to Japan. I am a single mom myself and I couldn't be apart from my son. I would worry too much.
If you continue this relationship and decide to move back to the UK, that means uprooting her and her son there.
Your mom can't stop you from doing anything. It is a free world to date. I just think long term in this situation could be complicated. I would also say that when you are financially independent then you have more say to your love life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): Does R have a job ?
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