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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: hey aunties and uncles, it's not a relationship question, well not of the romantic kind anyway.just a quick background, As a child I wasn't very shy but as the years passed I suppose I became shy with strangers at school I wasn't bullied, isolated or anything like that. At college I did not make a lot of friends because I didn't go to parties I don't drink and I wasn't really interested in socializing after college or taking part in any study group, so I don't have many friends although I'm in touch with the few I've got, when I'm with friends and people I know I'm friendly and talkative, but when I am with my mom in public I become very shy, she's very outgoing, she's the kind of person who has many superficial friendships ( I don't see a deep attachment in her part, to her making friends, being sociable, nice seems to come naturally) She's kind and easygoing, everyone seems to want to tell her the story of heir lives and she's a good listener, in short many people like her, but she seems to want me to be like her and I am not, and that bothers me because she keeps telling me off in front of other people.I'm an adult, one of these days we were at the supermarket she met one of her acquaintances and I was a bit distant, she dragged me all the way and made me say hello to her, and treated me like a child for not saying hello.Her friend is friends with her not me, if I were alone she wouldn't acknowledge me so I find it a bit strange... when I'm at work I greet everyone, the same goes for other places I go on my own but when I'm with my mom I just feel inadequate, shy and childish and in her opinion I have to have her social graces.When I tell my Mom she says i'ts all nonsense that she only asks me to be polite, and it doesn't help that my brother took after her.. so any thoughts would be most welcome
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 April 2013):
 I don't think your mom expects her to be JUST like her, but just to be polite.
Saying hi and how are you? is not painful and it's not going to turn you into your mother. Rather then act sullen that she ran into yet another acquaintance, just say hi.
I have 3 daughters, all VERY different. I don't expect them to act like me, but I do expect manners from them at home and out.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Well said zippy78, just my point only expressed better.
As a matter of fact, I am a bit surprised that this is even an issue and that you,OP, resent as an injust imposition being asked to act civil ( not bubbly, not spunky- civil ) ,so I wonder if there's more going on.
For instance, my son too is like you, a shy type , does not drink or go to clubs, has his circle of old friends but never reaches out first to new people, etc. Fine with me, I was more of a social butterfly at his age but social butterfly is an optional , not mandatory, and my son does not have a problem with the mandatory part. He is quite a loner, sort of a bear actually, yet he manages allright to exchange greetings or a couple of words with his family 's friends or neigbours or social acquaintances. So if acting civil is not too much for my bear-like son, how come it is for a young she-bear (in a good sense , I bet you are a lovely attractive young she bear ) ?
This seems to have more to do with mother and daughter relationships than with introversion. You don't mention having social anxiety, or feeling discomfort when you are on your own, in fact you mention that you greet people and react to them in a normal way when you are alone.
So I wonder- how's your relationship with mom in general ? Do you feel somewhat antagonistic, in competition with her ? ( Not that strange, it happens often between mother/young daughter )Do you harbour a grudge, jealousy toward her or your brother, something that you have trouble talking out with her ?...
Because it sounds that you do what you do in a rather passive aggressive way, you know that it pisses you mom off, you know she'll remark about it, and you know you can shrug and throw in her face " Hey that's just me, I am not like you ". I AM NOT LIKE YOU. It sounds like you are going to great lenghts to let your mom know this, that you don't consider a model to imitate,- you want her to know - without actually declaring war.
So I wonder if the problem may by any chance be, not that your mom does not accept you- but the opposite , that you don't accept her . Are you angry at your mother deep down ? ( I mean permanently , seriously angry , not just the stupid stuff about " hey who used my lipstick " )
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A
female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Don't be anyone but yourself man....she's your mom...she has to accept you!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 April 2013):
Pardon me, but... if you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one. Yours is the typical reasoning of a ten years old. " If I had been alone we would not have aknowledged each other 2 Perhaps, but, WERE you alone ? No. You were with your mom, even if a few steps away, - your mom met this person and engaged her in conversation, -nobody expected you to chime in and act as their best buddy, but , a nod, a smile, a Hallo Mrs. Smith how are you , something, that's just polite, just NORMAL. If you are out with your bf or husband, and he meets his his boss in the street and stops to talk for a minute,, what are you going to do , stay planted there silent and stony faced , obstentatiously looking at the toes of your shoes, just because you had never met him before ?... That's what kids do. Adults, even those who are not ougoing, brash or the life of the party, generally manage being vaguely social during casual interactions, and to squeeze out a smile , a hi, maybe a couple of words about the weather ? , in the type of situation you mention. This has got nothing to do with being or not superficial, or a people person. It's just that social communications is based on a code of verbal and non verbal signs, a code generally learned in childhood by observation and imitation, which gives as acquired a series of " passages ". These passages come to be sort of automatic, expected and expectable, so when you skip one, there is a dysfunction in social communication, i.e. , said plainly, it just looks weird or inappropriate and takes the other persons aback. Your mother does not want , I think, for you to be precisely just like her . There 's nothing wrong in being shy or withdrawn or reserved. She just wants you to be polite and act in a socially acceptable , or at least unremarkable way.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (25 April 2013):
If I was a few years younger I would have asked you out!The real question is: Are you happy with yourself?Up to certain age, we can learn from and should listen to our parents. You are reaching the age where you are who you are. Your character is becoming more developed and set. Obviously your mom doesn't see it that way and belittles you because you are not "bubbly" enough. That is wrong. It is one thing for her to provide suggestions and yet another to hold your hand at these ages. You should say hello and smile when you want to say hello and smile.Perhaps she perceives your approach as a problem and she is simply trying to make you more open to people. She is simply going about it in the wrong way.With an open mind, tell her, talk to her. Expect the same level of honesty from her. Ask her to talk/explain.
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