A
female
age
41-50,
*ray area
writes:My ex boyfriend of 5 years dumped me 4 months ago and won't let me go. He broke my heart. He told me he wasn't fully sure I was the one for him and he couldn't go on feeling these feelings of uncertainty any longer. He told me he loved me and that this was just what he had to do. The break-up was not black and white at all and i don't expect them to be but for some reason he just couldn't give me a good answer. I had no contact for about a month(probably should have been longer), but we had originally said we would be friends and didn't want to lose each other in our lives, so we tried being friends. Not hanging out exclusively but i would see him here and there at a party with mutual friends. we would immediately be drawn to each other. he even flirted with me. he now slips and calls me "boo"(our pet name) and says i love you. I told him not to call me that or tell me that bc it hurt and he tried to stop but it just still slips out. i want to keep him as a friend bc i know he still loves me and could possibly want to be with me but maybe is too proud? or is he just stringing me along bc he isn't finding anything better out there (which is some of the reason i think he broke it off in first place) and some back story is that his/our friends have definitely said he has had commitment issues in the past. input is appreciated!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 there is no need to be friends. Being friendly and civil when you run into each other is fine.
being FRIENDS... useless and only causes pain.
you are the back up plan... he's looking for something new and fresh and NOT YOU... and when he doesn't find it and gets horny all the right words will put you in his bed (he hopes) but no commitment.
"we can be friends" is as my mother used to say "the kiss of death"
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Let me help you with a little "guy-speak" interpretation....
To have "feelings of uncertainty...." means "I think that we're moving up on you expecting me to be committed to what is going on between the two of us... and me not seeking out other girls for s-x..."
"He told me that he loves me...." means, "I need a hook to keep you on the line... and these three words - that I know you covet - will do the trick".
"I don't want to let you go....." means, "I know that I've got you on the hook... AND that you're dumb enough to continue putting out for me.... and I'd REALLY like that... so, would you?"
AND, he's even gotten away with the "men's coup de grace" by hanging with you and using a pet name to further get you to question why/if you should come to your senses and make a complete DUMP of him.....
I think you "know" the real and total answer, here....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 April 2013):
 Stop trying to be friends with him (at least for now) go non-contact and STAY that way til you feel you are actually over him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 I'd definitely cut him off and not have anything more to do with him. He is stringing you along until someone better comes along...and when they do, he will drop you like a ten ton weight...and it's going to be painful.
You are a young woman. You are not the first and you won't be the last to be dumped out of a long relationship, but do not waste any more time waitng for this guy to change him mind, because all the time you are hanging round him, he won't.
Dissapear, take off, renew your friendships with girl friends etc and get yourself out there. Don't sit around thinking about him, it's a waste of energy and time.
This time next month you might have met someone new...and he will be nothing but a memory!!
Life is for living xxx
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (25 April 2013):
Wow! You are torturing yourself. Move on. It hurts and is hard but having him in your life is harder. You deserve better then that!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): OP 5 years means commitment issues is not the problem here. A guy with those kind of issues is not going to be in a relationship for 5 years.
It's simple really OP, you've been dumped. The relationship is over and he does not want you back. But he doesn't want to lose you as a bit of fun, he doesn't want to completely lose you from his life and his bed so he's stringing you along and you're falling for it.
OP if you think letting him have everything on his terms is going to win him back then you're wrong. He gets to still have you the way he wants, still free to see other women, still free to find another he can be with but still have you satisfy his needs if not sexually now then he is building up to that.
To be honest with you Op I think you know what's going on here, you said it yourself your gut is telling you that no contact wasn't long enough. Your gut is right OP, because the only way he'll ever want you back if he really loves you is by full on losing you 100%. At the moment he still has you but everything is on his terms.
He didn't have to deal with losing you OP because you came running back to him to be his "friend".
I would cut him off. I's tell him I don't want to be your friend because I love you and friendship is not enough. I'm not going to be your friend, I don't want anything to do with you other than a relationship and until you're ready to give that a shot, stay away from me. You don't get to have you cake and eat it, you don't get to keep me on hold while you have your fun. I'm moving on.
You can do that, or you can stay being his bitch in my mind. But I would have no reason to get back with a girl like you OP, I have you exactly where I want you. Why would I want to change that situation? I haven't lost you, you still let me call you boo, you still let me hold you, flirt with you and pretty soon we'll be sexual too. That's a great deal for me, why would I want to change that?
The only reason would be to prevent myself losing you, if he lets you go and lets you break off all contact without a fight then he doesn't really love you.
OP it's a very simple dynamic, it's not an ultimatum either. You're a single woman now and that means you have to move on and live a life without him in it. If that doesn't wake him up OP, then nothing will and all his words have been bullshit.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (25 April 2013):
After 5 years, he should know what he wants with you. So I'd be worried that he pulled out when he did.I'd advise you to get on with your life even as you stay friends with him. Mingle with other singles, do all those things you've always wanted to do but haven't got round to doing. This is time to pamper yourself as you've been through a lot. Do not hang around in the shadows hoping it comes back because you will be even more hurt when he doesn't. If he does come back, you want to be an independent woman. You have to be happy alone and show him that you will not take this crap again because your life can and did go on without him. He will come back with more respect for you and value the relationship more if he knows that you choose to be with him but you can live without him.As for the sweet names; old habits die hard. Until one of you meets someone else, it will be difficult to completely break the old familiarity.
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