A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mom who is 49 years old is now dating a guy who is 33 years old and I don't know how to feel about the whole situation. I mean he's closer in age to me than her, she's never done anything like this before so I don't know whats going on. She has dated a few men in the past but not a young guy like this so it seems so out of character. She just told me about it so I'm not sure how long they have known each other/dated etc... I know they met each other over the net. She says he's a really nice guy and they clicked right from the start, she's been divorced for almost 10 years now. Its quite a shock to me to find this out, what do they see in each other? Should I tell her this makes me uncomfortable and tell her she needs to break this off and look for someone more in her age range? I'm kind of embarrassed to be honest and don't really want my friends/etc.. to find out. Am I horrible for thinking this way? or should I just let it be?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, daftmoo  +, writes (18 May 2012):
Seeing as your mum is over 18 & actually has every right to make her own decisions, there ain't nowt you can do about it.
I don't get why older women want to actually have a relationship with younger guys, but in actual fact, that age gap isn't too bad.
My mum was about your mums age when she was seeing a 24 yr old. She may have even been 50 in fact.
That worried me, but only because I didn't want her to get hurt. It literally was just a few times though & didn't go anywhere.
I'm sleeping with a 19 yr old & i'm 41. There is no way a sane person would expect that to go anywhere in terms of love, we don't have that much in common of course, but I wouldn't have anyone dictate to me even if I did end up having a relationship with him.
It's true about the fact older blokes have been dating young women since the year dot. Bout time the tables turned isn't it!
If it's all legal, it's only their business. The only concern I had when it was my mum doing it was her getting hurt. Which thankfully didn't happen x
A
female
reader, Rocky angel  +, writes (17 May 2012):
Oh" i understand that this is really not easy for you. This might not be easy for your mother too. She is just maybe trying to pretend that its ok, but she know by her self that this is also complicated. This is not easy for you to understand but hopefuly you consider that your mom is happy at this moment. This no body can easily give to her. Sometimes we have to try to deal with the things which for us not easy to control. If you love your mom, you will at least try to understand her and someday she will make things right by her self. Calm down, relax give your self a time to breath and think. It will be ok later...
...............................
A
female
reader, hushkitty420 +, writes (17 May 2012):
Take a breath, and think... this is better than if he were that much older than her, right? (ewww! lol) I do understand where you're coming from though. For whatever reason I tend to be asked out be guys that are significantly older than me more than anything else. I'm almost 28, and when a guy who's about 40 asks me out does so (even if I think he's awesome!) I gotta turn him down if he has kids closer to my age than he is. It isn't fair to (in my case) have teenage kids not only dealing with their parents dating but dating someone only a few years (or school grades) more than them. THAT being said, it sounds like your mom and her new guy are over that age-boundry, and even though you might think of it as creepy, cougar-ish play... you should probably just let your mom play this one out. Mother knows best (usually). Unless you have major red flags going up about this guy (other than his youth) then trust your mom will know when enough is enough. Heck, look at Celine Dion, she married a much older man and is very happy with him. This isn't the norm but still... it happens... best of luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): I wouldn't be too worried for a couple different reasons. One is that this is your mom's life, so she's going to date who she wants. You might not like that but it isn't your decision. The second reason is that it won't last. I'm a 36 year old guy, so a little older than the one seeing your mom, and I can tell you for a fact I wouldn't have any lasting interest in a 49 year old woman. Unless this guy is looking for a surrogate mom, he'll be moving on before too long. Your mother should be prepared to accept that he's just having a little short term fun with her, and not get too attached. The cougar thing very, very rarely works out in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2012):
 I think you need to be happy for your mom that she have found someone she wants to be with.
You aren't the judge & jury over who she can date. I think you need to chill and maybe take the time to get to know the guy before you oppose this match. His age has nothing to do with how he will treat your mom.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I realize this is hard for you OP but the truth is that it’s not your decision. My fiancé is 38. I am 52. He is 10 years older than my oldest son and 13 years older than my younger son. He and my younger son are great friends… they have a lot in common too. Why not try to embrace this man (and he is a man even if you can’t see that) as someone who makes your mom happy? Isn’t your mom’s happiness important?
Would you prefer that she be dating an “old retired geezer” of 65? If so why is that OK?
After about age 30 to be honest most of us have the same goals as adults… live long, prosper and be healthy and happy. Age for the most part is a number.
You say you don’t know what is going on but I can tell you… she’s having FUN. She’s enjoying her life. 49 is NOT old… If he treats her well and she is happy what else would matter?
Why not ask her what they see in each other… my fiancé and I have lots in common with our love of certain movies and television shows. We met each other while gaming so we love board games as well. We are both computer geeks… perhaps your mom and her boyfriend have similar tastes in movies, music and books? They probably talk about interesting things much like we do.
You can tell her it makes you uncomfortable but make sure to do it, in a non-accusatory way and accept that it’s NOT your place to tell her what she can and cannot do… Perhaps you expressing your feelings can help her to help you accept it. And you do have to accept it. There is NOTHING wrong with your mom dating a man who is a bit younger than she is.
Most folks when they find out I’m engaged to man 13+ years younger than I am say “you go girl” so accept that you are behind the times in accepting that women now have the same rights as old men to date young hot things…
...............................
A
female
reader, WS +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Your Mother has the right to choose her own dating partner. Society has always accepted men with younger women...time to end the old double standard thing!! She is capable to handle herself....leave it alone!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 So you want your mom to stop dating a younger man, just because you are afraid of your friends' comments and are afraid you may loose some " street cred " :).But, I guess, you'd feel offended and intruded upon if you'd mom wanted you to stop dating some guy because in her opinion he is too old- fat- poor- ... , too something for you, and, worse, would tell you to keep your bf away from her neighbours because the bf is not cool or presentable enough and could ruin HER image.
Please stay out of your mom business, until she is not beaking any law. Your mom is an adult and if so far she has never given any sign of mental illness, we must assume that she knows what she is doing, and that she is doing it in the intent of increasing her own happiness and well being- about which any affectionate daughter should only be pleased.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (16 May 2012):
 Welcome to the age of the cougar. After years of double standards, older women are now dating men years younger than them (which men have done for centuries!) and are forcing people to be aware of it, if not accept it. I truly know where you are coming from. My mother at 76 is dating a man only 4 years older than me! I'm 50. I struggle with this, don't understand it, but I love my mom and if the guy makes her happy, who am I to tell her what to do? Yes, its weird to me, but my mother says she still feels very much alive and why should she date some "old fart" her age who bores her to death? If this man is good to your mom and makes her happy, isn't that really all that matters?
...............................
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (16 May 2012):
It has to be her business, and if she is happy, that should be the main thing. I've heard of bigger age gaps anyway. So I think you should stay out of it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): That's very rude of you. You want her to stop seeing a man that she enjoys because you are uncomfortable? Is it so wrong for an older women to enjoy young men? I see and hear about older men with younger women, you never really care it's in the "norm".
Your mother has every right to happiness, whether it be just a fling or not. Sadly, She might accept what your issue is and give in. I hope you do not do this to her with other people.
...............................
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I too would have felt embarrassed had I been in your place. But that's just something you'll have to explain away because you love your mother and if your mother is happy with this man, you can't do anything to jeopardise that! Not all our loved ones do things that we approve of because at the end of the day, they're individuals in their own right, with the liberty to even make mistakes. But we have to accept their choices nonetheless, and lend emotional support. I know it all seems so weird to you but you have to put up with it, girl! For all you know, this might be temporary. But don't count on its being so.
I'll give you a small example of how such a thing worked in my life. My sister has been a widow for more than three years and she has lately started dating a man who's not only younger than her but a total scoundrel. The whole family knows that he's a nasty piece of work. Anyone who's not blinded by love can see that. I made my disapproval known to her but told her that even though I know he's wrong for her, I would respect her choice and support her through this, because my relationship with her is more important than my justifiable apprehension about the colossal mistake that she's making. I can't change things for the better. If I try to force her to change her mind, she'll only go away from me. What I can do is be with her and support her, as and when she needs me. Not a very happy situation but life is seldom perfect.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Sorry OP, you dont have much of a choice here. If he makes your mom happy, then you just have to go with it. Sometimes age differences dont matter at all, and in this case, what matters is your mom's happiness.
Accept her decision and as Tisha says, celebrate the fact that she is healthy and well and is dating and is finally happy. She deserves her happiness too, and who's to say that that happiness can only be found with someone her own age?
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 May 2012):
Hi there. Unfortunately, there is not really much you can do about this, as it's your mother's choice whether to see this younger man or not.
Are they actually seeing each other, or are they only chatting online?
Because there is a big difference.
If they are seeing each other regularly, well then only time will tell what kind of future it holds for them.
33 and 49 years of age, isn't really all that huge, at their ages.
If she was in her mid 50's, it could be a bit more of an issue for them. Because of a much bigger age gap.
Even though they hit it off well from the start, it doesn't automatically mean they will end up together and get married, down the track.
While she is not exactly elderly, she is probably approaching menopause now, so even if he did want to get serious later on, for her to have more children would be virtually out of the question completely.
Over time, he is going to realize this for himself anyway, which could dramatically change the dynamics of everything for him, especially if he is keen on becoming a father some time in the not too distant future.
And if he has never been married or had children, this will inevitably become a part of his agenda.
And if over time they do get serious, well then it's at that time that it will become a wedge between them and cause many arguments and upsets.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Let her choose her own partners. As to what they see in each other, well, isn't that for them to decide?
Why not celebrate that your mother is alive and vital and interested in dating instead of second-guessing her choices?
Unless there's something more to the story, I'd let her enjoy her dating life. And no, you're not horrible for wondering about the age gap. I think it's just good manners to allow her to choose her love interests for herself.
...............................
|
