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My marriage is old, and I need advice!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2013) 8 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2013)
A female United States age 51-59, *ebra coat writes:

I'm 53, hubby is 66! We have not spoke to each other for several days! Even though we live in the same house and sleep in the same bed!We have grown children and grandchildren. He has no care for his family but would do anything in his power for a buddy or neighbor. Praises other peoples Kids/spouses but not a word about his own! Has not spoke to either of his kids in two months or more! I have filled out divorce papers but afraid of losing what I have invested in the past 29 yrs! He has said he will not leave! Everyone thinks he is so wonderful! If they only knew! I have always worked outside the home, he worked in another state when the kids were growing up! We have no similar interests and every year we grow further apart and talk less! I see how he treats other people but can't have a conversation with me? I'm making myself crazy with the way things are! The worst part is I can't talk to anyone about it! I try make excuses to the kids why he leaves when they come around! And lately they don't want to come to our house. He is self employed and over the past 5 years has pretty much gradually cut me out of his life. He has two hired hands that mean the world to him! Spends 12 hours with them and comes in the house and does not have one word to say to me! Analysis please! Advise?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (14 November 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWhen two people are going through life with only the connection that they share the same address (and NOTHING else, as you described...), then it's time for one of them to "pull the trigger" and end the so-called marriage. I believe that you are the one who needs to do this.....

Get good counsel before you start things... to make sure that your financial affairs are in order.... and will be in order after the divorce...

Good luck...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013):

Your marriage has already been over for a long time so now you need to start acting accordingly and stop playing pretend. Don't shield your kids from it, they are adults they need to know the truth.

Just start living as a single woman and work towards bringing your loving arrangements in line with that aka divorce.

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A female reader, Zebra coat  United States +, writes (14 November 2013):

Zebra coat is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I posted the question! Thank you all for the great advice! I had spoke with a lawyer previously and she told me the same thing to not leave the house but move to another part of it! He will be leaving for a week shortly and I plan on moving to the upstairs rooms.

I have also always worked out of the house but still would not be able to afford to live as I've been living and the attorney told me that is important also. I will not move into some shack! I have tried to list everything I want half of! He was divorced with 4 kids when we met and had nothing! I knew he had nothing but truly loved him! We worked hard for what we have.

Someone asked what triggered the silence? There was no fight because I don't think we care enough to fight! I had stopped into his office just to ask what was going on maybe make plans to go grab some dinner? I sat down and asked what he was busy with? He looked at me and said with such sarcastically " warming my F*#*n hands!" And the look he gave me I just got up an apologized for interrupting him and walked out!

I really don't think it's Alzheimer's or dimentia. He runs a business that I use to be involved in! Once he hired two employees he pretty much spends all his time with them. He spends a fair amount of time at the bars! When I do go with him he's very popular and always had lots to say to everyone and hugs for certain ones! He ignores me and I usually end up sitting quietly by his side as a I don't know how he got so familiar with most of them! I have known and worked with people for 10 years that I don't hug when I see them outside work! I don't get it.

I have started taking a boxing, Zumba, and yoga classes. It's difficult not to cook for him as I have always done that along with laundry, housework and yard work and garden. Anyway I plan on showing him the papers I have filled out as I plan on letting him know what I want! Which was the house as I shudder to think what the place would look like if it were left to him to take care of it! 29 years an I could count on one hand the times he has mowed our yard. We built our house and he did most of the finish work after it was framed up! He is a great provider and did support two families! He has said that and I think he thinks he can treat me like crap cause he's done that! IDK! Just tired of it and certainly do not want to live another year let alone 10 or 15 the way things are now.

Again thank you all for the advice I really appreciate it!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (14 November 2013):

YouWish agony auntActually, I do have some advice.

What would you say to him if you had nothing to lose?? How would you start the conversation? What's the most important part you'd want him to know?

That's the conversation you need to have. If you haven't spoken for days, and you've had the divorce talk where he said he'd "never leave", then you should be direct with him and tell him that his life as he knows it is about to change.

Something odd about your post struck me, because you didn't mention whether or not his lack of speaking happened after you had a fight. If you just stopped speaking out of the blue, and there wasn't a blow-up fight that triggered the silent treatment, I wonder about anything mental happening to him.

Dementia, Alzheimers, those things sneak up on you slowly without knowing it. He may just be forgetting to speak to you if there wasn't a fight and the silence isn't deliberate. You said he hasn't talked to his kids in a couple of months either. This may in fact be a symptom of something short-circuiting up there.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (13 November 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou've filed for divorce... move into the guest room for now... (DO NOT LEAVE the HOME) and start living your life like you will when you are no longer tied to this man.

AND stop making excuses for him to his adult children. They are adults... time for them to hear the truth.

Are you working full time outside your home? if so, keep doing it.. IF NOT... time to find a job if you are able... it will give you so many things.

how about some classes and going out with friends... he's living his life, YOU live yours... go away for a spa weekend with or without girl friends.... take some classes... yoga or something else that interests you.... join a book club..

BE OUT and be BUSY nightly.

stop cooking for him.

stop cleaning up after him

stop catering to him in any way at all.

TREAT HIM just like HE treats you... as if he is NOTHING.

get your ducks in order and talk to the attorney about what he thinks you can get... IF you have been his life partner for 29 years you will have a vested interest in the business.... and if you have been a SAHM and wife you should be entitled to alimony.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (13 November 2013):

Aunty BimBim agony auntQuietly talk to a lawyer to see how things stand financially, you are only 53 .... I am almost 60 ..... it is not too late to leave and start living your life, and stop covering for him, especially to the kids, they are adults and can cope with the truth!

good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013):

Have you showed him the divorce papers? Perhaps it's a serious case of him taking you and your children for granted, and if he saw how unhappy you are he might get the fright of his life? If he knows and still isn't bothered then yes I think you should leave. If you're anxious about filing for divorce right away you can always separate for a few months and see how you get on. I really wish you the best with whatever you decide.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (13 November 2013):

He sounds like my father. Busy living his own life, forgetting that he has children and a partner. Even as I write, my father is pratting around with relatives that have never cared for us.

I think you've done the best thing filing for divorce. I'm sure you're worried about losing some things, but life isn't about living with someone who doesn't care for you - and sadly your husband doesn't, for whatever reason.

The most important thing is that you have your own children, even if they are grown, and you have grandchildren that I am sure will need and love your attention. You also have your own life to live, so I think that instead of driving yourself mad, you'd do better to do through your finances to make sure you'll be all right, start looking for places to live and making a list of things that you might want to do with your life.

Go live your own life, and let your soon to be ex wallow in his own. He sounds terribly sad and selfish to me, and you just don't need that.

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