A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of three years will not take my feelings into consideration. Whenever there is a disagreement he will always take the others persons side against me. He will never defend me or stand up for me in any way. His sister and I do not get along and I told him that I was unable to attend any function where she may be present and he told me that sometimes in life we have to do things that we don't want to do and be with people we don't like and basically that it's tough. I don't see it like that at all and would never ask him to be somewhere where he felt uncomfortable or ask him to spend time with someone he doesn't like. My view is that if you loved someone you wouldn't put them through it. He clearly doesn't want any rifts in his family which is admirable but I don't see why anyone should be forced into doing something that makes them very unhappy. What are your views on these kind of situations please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pattylou  +, writes (11 February 2019):
Honey I have so much empathy for you. I have been married for 51 years to a man like that. When you are young and expect this man that you love to be in your corner then think again. I am tough and that is the only reason I survived this long term relationship with this man and his family. His mother and step father came after me every chance they got and he never once stuck up for me. His whole family played tag team with me and finally I quit going to their home after the children were raised. On top of his not sticking up for me with his family, he never sides with me on issues or arguments. I even think he talked about me to his mother but I got to the point I didn't care.I wanted to leave him for the longest time and sometimes I still do. I tried to weight the good and bad with him which made me stay. Do I regret it? Maybe! But just knowing that it caused his mother some anger gave me a little smile.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Tell that feeling that you sticks out the most and really do it in a way that he can maybe undersatnd how you feel. For example: When I am around your sister I feel be littledIf it was a physical feeling it would feel like nothing but chills all over my body. It feels like a kid does when he is being yelled at in a room filled with poeple and he is just standing there with his head down. If feels like when I was a little overweight and I used to get made fun of or I would hear comments about my weight and how ugly I was. It it were like a smell it would be like the smell of garbage. Most Important think of something the both of you guys did together than he can re-late to that made both of guys feel be-littled. The point is to make him undestand the feeling. Then maybe you guys can work on some type of arrangement when you guys go over. But be prepared to listen to how he feels to knwo that there is friction between you guys and understand him. Then maybe the both of you can compromise.
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (5 February 2012):
I know exactly how you feel...been there & done that! I don't know if you are a spiritual woman or not, but there is a biblical term which says "A man shall leave his mother & father & CLEAVE unto to his Wife". In a nut shell, your wife becomes your main priority in a marriage...even before family members.
My husbands mother would always invite his ex-wife to every family function & his sister was best friends with her. Every event, the ex would get in a corner & pout, then she would talk about my husband & what happened in their marriage & me to other family members. Mind you, I did not know this woman, she was not friendly with me & he was divorced from her when I met him. At first, when I would tell him how she was acting, he just listened, never really said anything. And then it got worse & I lost it, because he was not defending me. We went to marriage counseling & he told my husband that I was not crazy or insecure, that YES, his family & Ex will mistreat me behind his back, & then smile in his face. He told him that HE needed to address his family & to let them know inviting the ex-wife to family events is inappropriate. If they could not "Respect" his wife, then we would not be attending many functions.
Now, be it that this is your husbands sister...he should really be the one to initiate a talk with her about what's going on between the two of you. However, you must make effort, if he has a talk with her, to make peace. There will be some events you can't avoid, a funeral, wedding, kids birthday parties. My point is, you don't have to invite her to your house, or be best friends with her, but the "Mature" route would be...if he has the talk & she makes effort...then you also should make some effort.
It maybe helpful to have some marriage counseling because if your husband is attending all of his family events alone...it creates division & discord between you. I'm not saying let her walk all over you, but don't let this situation come between you & your husband. You need to be by his side. I'm sure she has fallen out with others your husband has been involved with...she's really trying to assert her level of power in the family. Especially if he is a younger brother. OK...like my pastors told me..."Put On Your Big Girls Pants" & don't let stupid people tear up your marriage or steal your joy.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 February 2012):
My personal opinion is that if you really don't want to be around his family, because his sister is verbally abusive, then you have every right not to go.
But your husband has a right to his own opinion too. He's not obligated to side with you just because he's married to you, if he truly feels that you are in the wrong.
you and him differ on your ideas of family obligations. You feel that if someone is mean to you, you have a right not to be around them even if they are family. He feels that you do have an obligation to be around them because they are family. This is a fundamental difference of opinion, and you can't convince someone else that their opinion is wrong because it's an opinion.
therefore, as a purely practical solution, how about trying for a middle ground: that you will attend SOME, but not all, of his family functions. Instead of one of you getting their way all the time (either you NEVER attend any of his family functions ever again as you want, or else you must attend all of them as he wants.) That way, some of the time he gets to have you attend his family functions as he feels is your duty. Yet there will also be other times when you get to sit it out because you really would prefer not to be around his sister. Instead of one of you getting their way 100% of the time, why not compromise 50-50 on this one.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2012):
 He can't support you on this, because your behaviour is immature and selfish. It's only children who don't know how to pretend, put on a brave face and do things they don't want to do. Adults are able to eat the nasty medicine because the doctor tells them to.
What happens if you don't like somebody at work? Do you refuse to go in? Do you ask your boss to sack them? Or do you just smile, grin and bear it and realise you'll be home soon.
Of course you have every right to stay at home. But he can't just dump his family and never see them again because you have problems. He can go to the event alone. But when he goes, he knows, if he shows up without you it will make things worse. He'll have to lie and say that you are sick, and the next event, your sick again, until everyone starts to worry that you have cancer. Or he could say nothing, and the sister and everyone there can talk about the strange, bitchy unsociable wife he has at home.
Love to you means, supporting your wife when she is childish and wrong, accepting she hates your family and wants everybody to know about it, and also doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't care that you'll be embarrassed and upset.
Yep, you wouldn't ask anyone to do this for you... but what if it was your sister, brother, mother he hated, what if it was your best friend he couldn't stand. What if you were expected to always attend important events without your husband by your side, wouldn't you feel just a little bit embarrassed and upset... wouldn't you come right back here and tell us your husband is unreasonable, selfish and never supports you again.
Your choice, your marriage... I'm sure the sister will be laughing her head of if she knew you were here crying about this... she doesn't like you but she's going... seems she's able to put aside her dislike of you instead of letting other people down.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (3 February 2012):
 ummm, ive read the other comments
Lets assume the sister isnt 14 and is actually an adult herself shall we!
How dare she be so dis resepectful to her brothers WIFE (only capitalised becaused you are in fact married to this man).
Your in your 40's so i am assuming she is also a grown woman and should know better.
Its very easy to say its up to you to rise above it, but ive been on the recieving end. I remember once, his sister at christmas dinner told me i was nothing compared to his past girlfriend and she wished the ex-girfiend was there instead of me (i'd been with this chap 12 years) no-one said anything
Hurt like hell, and i was left feeling horrendous - now in my honest opinon my boyfriend should have made a stand. he didnt and after that it got worse and worse
So i think in this case you are in every way possible way right to say to your husband that he needs to put a stop to this, you can only bite your tounge as much as she does. its up to your husband to tell her to stop being rude.
I wish you much luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for answering. I am clearly out on a limb on this one but I can only feel the way I do. I would not ask my husband to go to anything or spend time with anyone that had hurt or upset him so I would expect the same coutesy in return. I feel quite sure that the sister would not want to spend anytime with me either so hopefully it will be engineered so neither of us ever have to spend any time with each other anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2012):
 I agree with your husband, sometimes we adults just have to suck it up and just do it. However, when you do spend time with his family don't talk to her, don't start "debates" or let her get a rise out of you. I think she is one of those women who likes to make others look bad. If you don't give the an opening, she can't really "verbally abuse" without looking like a total douche.
However, if you feel like you just can't participate, then stay home, let him go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 I don't think your husband knows how you feel. First off, I think he doesn't back you up because he values family and doesn't want his sister, or whomever, to be mad at him. So he throws you under the bus, but I think this also shows that he thinks you are capable of handling it on your own, and fend on your own. He sees you as very independent, someone he doesn't need to support or back up.
Next, as for the family event thing, I agree with your husband. When you are in a relationship you have certain expectations you need to live up to. Such as attending family events. You are expected to do things even if you don't feel thrilled about them, because they are your duty.
However, I think you confuse your husband and yourself. You are talking about how cruel it is to force someone to do something they don't want to.. Well, it isn't cruel to expect an adult to take their responsibility and act as adults, and do the things they are expected to do without crying about it. However I feel like that isn't the case here. You go on about this as if he is making you do something you don't like, trying to blame him saying how cruel HE is. You'll never be able to properly communicate with him if you put up defenses this way. Because all your defenses are hiding the TRUE problem.
The problem as I see isn't that you don't wanna go to family or social events that you dislike. You can do that, you're an adult, you can take your responsibility and do the things expected of you. What you DON'T want to do is spend time with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, isn't treating you right, and who gives you a horrible time.
You need to talk to your husband, and NOT talk about how cruel he is to you or what not. Instead you need to talk about yourself and how YOU feel when going to events where his sister is at. You need to tell him how alone and unsupported you feel when he doesn't take your side. As a married couple he is expected to stand as one unit with you... and fight on your side. If the two of you do not agree, fine, but then he shouldn't back up the other part either. He needs to be on your side. If he is on your side you will feel more comfortable facing people who are not kind to you, such as his sister. Also explain to him how going to these events make you feel.
Let me rephrase things that you should tell him: " I feel it is a very nasty to make someone do something that makes them uncomfortable and unhappy" = I feel uncomfortable and unhappy when I do this.
"I personally would not expect anyone to spend time with people who cause them upset whether there is a family connection or not." = These people make me upset.
"would never ask him to be somewhere where he felt uncomfortable or ask him to spend time with someone he doesn't like" = I do not like her. I know she is your sister, but we do not get along. I can not spend time with her.
Maybe you can go to these events and ignore her? Or maybe you should stop blaming your husband and try to pin your unhappiness on him. You aren't miserable because he is cruel and makes you go to these events. Stop blaming him, it'll get you no where. You are miserable because you and his sister do not get along. Focus your unhappiness to where it belongs rather than alienate your husband. Fight on the same side as him, not against him, especially when your enemy is his sister and NOT your husband. Calling someone else cruel or mean or "I would never do that to you" is hurtful. So you're no better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Rise above it. There is someone in my wife`s family that I cannot stand, but I would not let it get the best of me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually she is verbally abusive to me which is why I don't like her. The scenario was a group of six people so there would be a lot of contact and this is not something I would put anyone through. I feel it is a very nasty to make someone do something that makes them uncomfortable and unhappy. I personally would not expect anyone to spend time with people who cause them upset whether there is a family connection or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): i am sorry to have to take the other side too. i see something in you that has an inibility to see anything else but their own point of view. i will also add, that if you loved someone you would turn up to that function regardless.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (3 February 2012):
Is your husband deliberately antagonizing you? Sometimes we don`t always agree with the people closest to us. If he is siding with other people then would it not be better to step back and look at the argument from both sides of it. You say if you love someone you would`nt put them through it. He may say, if you love someone you should bite the bullet sometimes, like most of us do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Sometimes as adults we have to do things we don't want.
ONE of them is do our best to be the bigger person and get along with others that we don't really like. You would do it at work would you not? I do.
You would do it for your children to set an example? I did.
This is your husband's FAMILY.... you have to see her how often? in crowds? so there are others you can be with and just have to be CIVIL to her... you don't have to make her your best buddy.
To be honest I think you are in the wrong here about his FAMILY... unless she is verbally or physically abusive to you I would show up, look my best, smile and be kind... it's a few hours out of the day....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Do you think he should agree with you whether or not you are right or wrong? He is telling you exactly how he see`s it. Why not stop having so many disagreements and see things from others points of view also.
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