A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I have recently broken up with my bf. We have a joint mortgage together. After much soul searching and advice from a mortgage advisor, we have both been advised to stay in the property together for as long as we can. This is because neither of us can afford to take it on alone until more has been paid off and if one of us were to leave and the bank found out, it could be repossessed and we lose all the money we put it to it.I am struggling like hell living with him; I am still in love with him (he has ended the relationship due to us having a lot of problems together and as separate people – I don’t want to go in to too much detail as it’s too late now). I would like some advice as to tips on how to cope with living with someone who is not in love with you anymore. I know he loves me, but more as a friend and as a person. I am broken hearted although I am not as bad as I was. We have been broken up since December and I can tell it’s over and that he really does not want to be with me anymore.Please, no judgemental comments, and understand that practically we do have to go living together until we have both managed to put more money in to the house and also saved some. I just need advise as to how to cope being around him and how to contain my feelings also, as sometimes I am so angry that he has ended the relationship, and other times I just feel so hurt and that my heart has been broken. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Thanks for the update...you are indeed in a pickle (to say the least).I guess the only thing you can do is to live as separately a you can for now, but it's going to be very hard. You have no gurantee that he will want you back and for all you know, he could have a new love interest elsewhere (sorry but men can be very underhanded)It's absolutely wretched that he can keep you there until HE decides to sell up and you have to have a plan in place if he does find a new girlfriend, because if it happens you are going to be even more emotional and unable to cope.Don't let your heart rule your head...at least have a back-up plan. You said your mum would give you money towards a new mortgage. Could she not loan you some money to get a legal document drawn up protecting your interests if you choose to put a lodger in the house and move out? Your name is on the mortgage, that gives you rights and you have to ensure those rights are protected.Does he want you to stay in the house?What suggestions has he made for your living arrangements?You need to start asking these questions or else it's going to drive you insane. Right now, he is holding all the cards and you have to fight to protect yourself.Stay if you must, but please don't just linger in the hope that he's going to change his mind whilst you throw more and more of your money into a home that you don't feel happy in and is unlikely to yeild a financial return to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): Hi guys, thanks for the posts im the OP. Legally, and the solicitor explained this to us and its in writing, we can only sell the house if both parties agree to this, and he wont so that is that option out.
The only other options are the ones you are all suggesting; i rent my room out etc...The thing is I will still be leaglly tied to the house and he could potentially shaft me, we are both financially resposible for it and the bills until one or both is off the mortgage. That wont happen for another couple of years or so, if he is able to pay about £20,000 of it off.
We get on some of the time and other times its hell. There is a lot of anger and hurt flying about and we both take it in turns to blame eachother. It's hard to stay objective when like i said, i probably am still in love with him. But i dont like the way he has treated me.
Ofcourse i am hoping that we will get back togther, and there is always a glimmer of hope i guess. I'm certainly not in any rush to have a new relationship and from what i can see, neither is he. We have agreed to not bring others back to the house. I am hoping this transition will become more organic and i will start to love him less as time goes on.
Re me moving on, renting etc, although all your tips are good it is not as simple as that. I dont earn much and i have no savings. I will need at least £1000 to move in to a property and i have a dog - very few landlords will take dogs. I'm not sure what to do yet but i dont want to move out just yet. this is my home too, my dream, even if it has all gone to s**t.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 February 2012):
He must have taken into consideration that he would lose money on the house if he split with you, so basically it's his problem. I understand you need to get your name off the mortgage and you can only do that if he sells up. All the while he is there, he can hold you hostage to your half of the mortgage.
I think I'd have to start behaving very unreasonably, so he practically begged me to leave (but then Im old and I don't really give two hoots if I upset a jerk to get what I want)
You invested no money originally, so I doubt he will give you any profit if the house is sold. It might be worth consulting a solicitor to see if you have any rights to place a tennant in as a replacement to cover your half of the mortgage, but if you do so, you must also ensure you have legal documentation to be entitled to any profits.
I know the emotional pain hurts like hell and from the way he is acting, it seems there is no hope if rekindling. You will be stuck in limbo until you are allowed to move on and forget him. You need legal advice, as the logistics of the situation need to be handled before you can cope with the emotional agonies.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Just seen your follow up... Leave as soon as possible, even if it leaves you broke and poor.
Done myself for a couple of weeks, and it's hell.. You spend all your time trying not to touch him, not to kiss him, not to get down on your knees and beg. Then you find yourself doing stupid things to try and keep him, trying to trap him, ignoring what he wants and only thinking about stopping him from leaving.
You'll do it.. and KC100 is right, if you can get him to the bedroom, you'll do that as well, and you'll start thinking about babies..
Very embarrassing situation all round.. so if you want to keep some pride for yourself and not have him look at you with pity.. run as fast as you can.. find a friend who has a sofa, a floor, anything, until the house gets sorted or sold.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Zone the house so you have as little contact as possible. However, it is absolutely no good to stay living together. Could one of you move out and rent the room so the mortgage is covered. Or just sell and be done with it. It could be years before the property market improves. Have you thought of what will happen if he gets a new girlfriend - how awful will that be. Or you could meet someone. How do you explain your situation to a new boyfriend, it's all a bit odd to the outsider. I would sell myself and be shot of him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 February 2012):
 If you can't cope with treating him like an annoying room mate, I would do whatever it took to sell the place and move on, both physically and mentally.
Maybe consider renting it out?
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (3 February 2012):
 I think your sanity and mental well-being is worth more than the money you might lose is you continue to live together.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Hi – im the OP, thanks for all your replies. I guess I was more thinking of how to cope with the emotional side of things/feelings etc…
If we sell we will lose the money we put in. I will get nothing. I have thought about all these options. What I would like to do is move out with my dog and rent somewhere, maybe a two bed house with someone else. Also, my mum is selling her house and she has promised me £15,000 towards a mortgage, but I need to get my name off this first. I put nothing in to this house whereas my ex put in 1000s. If we sell he won’t get that back, we’ve only been there a few months and the house has not increased in value, we could even get less. He will be furious if he loses all his money, he is hateful enough as it is! I would like to get a mortgage on my own and I can with my mum’s money, but I have to get off this one, and the only options are we sell or he takes it on alone.
I think part of the reason I want to stay is I am still hoping that we will get back together. I am gutted this has happened. We have been through so much lately and it has torn us apart. I can tell the way he feels about me has changed.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 February 2012):
 I agree 100% with Cerberus and kc100. Do whatever you have to do, please consider all of the options they laid out for you but DO NOT continue to live together! It will be absolute living hell for you. Of course you sometimes feel angry, and you will continue to feel hurt, those feelings will NOT go away as long as you are living together. You need space, time and distance to be able to fully heal. I have lived with an ex before out of necessity and it is a nightmare. Please think of yourself and find a way that you do not need to constantly be reminded of him. I wish you all the best. Just remember that there ARE options you don't have to be trapped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Hi OP, I just want to say I feel for you, having read your post. It is clear you are in love with him, the tone says it as I am in the situation, though we do not live together. but if did, I think I would go insane, as half you wants to move out to get on and start healing and other half of you thinks if we stay living together maybe we will fall back in love. sorry If I am wrong but that is from my point of view. from what I would be like.
I think you need to rent the flat out, both move out and rent it, that covers your payments so you can rent somewhere else, a room with friends, even strangers, you never know who you will meet from them. I am 32 and just been dumped and have moved into a rented room in London and you know what I am young and enjoy life and who knows where I will be who I be with in 5 years.
THIS IS NOT THE END.... chin up and remember it will all work out how it is meant to
sending you lots of love.
xxxxx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Sell the house. End of story.
I have lived with an ex, we were only renting but we couldnt get out of the rental agreement for another 5 months so we were stuck until then, with neither of us being able to afford to rent somewhere else. And let me tell you this now - it is HELL. Selling the house is a far better option than living together, believe me.
Sell it, rent it out...anything but staying living together. You will never be able to move on, you will still end up having sex (it will happen I promise) and then you will feel used, you will feel like you are living in limbo, half way between being broken up and in a relationship.....it will cause you untold pain and misery. Having no money is a far better life than living with an ex, honestly.
Cerebrus puts up some great options there - I would look into all of them before you decide to carry on living together, because that will be living hell for you. It will be the unhappiest time of your life, and you simply cannot put yourself through that just for the sake of money. Your happiness is more important than money, so find an alternative, quickly.
I know it seems hard to get out of right now but I urge you to look at every option possible before you decide to carry on living together. Even if you sell the house and lose money, that would be better than continuing to live together.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Perhaps work out a deal like you have the entire upstairs, he has the downstairs, and between 730 to 830 the kitchen is yours, from 831-931 (notice the extra minute so you don't bump into each other in the hallway) its his, and so on with other rooms in the house. If its a one room house, split the house in two (which can literally be done with room dividers. And to make sure its fair, consider making a tape like down the center of the house) again, certain rooms such as the kitchen or bathroom have to be scheduled off, but for this one one of you will have to get your own TV and stuff like that. Set up ground rules (no bringing home any men/women, no going onto the others side, all contact is made through letters, grocery shopping and other common household chores will alternate each week, etc). It will be like he isn't even there. Oh, and remember that each side needs a door.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): OP there are a tonne more options than that.
Firstly you could put it up for sale, I really don't see why that's not an option so perhaps you can explain why it's not being considered, it may take a while but you'd at least get some of your money back.
Secondly just because you pay the mortgage doesn't mean you have to live there, can you not just move back home to your parents house and keep paying the mortgage waiting for a buy out?
Thirdly one of you can move out and you can just get someone else to move in and rent off you, their rent will pay the portion of the mortgage and bills that the other has left.
Or you could both move out, convert some of the spare rooms into bedrooms and rent out the whole house to others.
I think you have far more options than you've considered OP, there are surely more options even than the ones I've just listed. So keep trying to find another way, a mortgage advisor is only a person who can advise on mortgages, their expertise is very confined to that so you need to go talk to estate agents, to people who rent and find out all other options. It's not worth living in hell when you have other options. Go to the citizens advice bureau or whatever the UK equivalent is and do some research.
Now if you're just dead set on staying there with him. Then firstly you need to sleep separately and you need to set up a separate room and throw in a computer or laptop and a chair. Somewhere you can retreat to when you want to TV, all the TV shows you like are available to watch online, including the soaps so you have no reason to be sitting in the sitting room when he's there. You can set up your hours so that you eat at different times and don't have to spend much time in each others faces.
Take up some new hobbies, join a walking club or other such activity to do in the evenings so you're not home all night. Just get out there and be out there living your life. Make your home just a place you sleep and eat and spend the rest of your time with friends, visiting your parents, or just going for a walk, or playing chess at the local legion. There are a million different things you can do with your evenings that will also help take your mind off things.
This is a very tough situation but you will pull through, if you start living a busy fulfilling life then when you've moved past all this you will have gained a hell of a lot more than you lost and will be a better woman for it too.
This will all work out and it's not as bad as it seems.
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