A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure where to begin as I'm totally lost but to cut a long story short my husband and me have been having some problems over most of our marriage (we've been together for 22 years and got two children aged 17 and 19). He has always been moody and can be verbally abusive towarde me but also a good provider and very loving caring father. I found out just before Christmas that he was having an affair with a younger woman from work and over Christmas he told he was leaving me for her (she is ten yrs younger than me). I feel shattered and devastated and can't stop crying and worrying. I have no idea what to do and worry that I won't ever get over him won't meet anyone else or be able to rebuild my life. Does anyone else have any experience re how to cope, make a new life and is it that easy really to meet someone else at my age (I am 52). I keep hoping it's all a big mistake and he will come back through the day and say he was wrong but he seems so determined. He sways he only stayed so as not to ruin Christmas but on Boxing Day this all came out. He says he has strong feelings for this woman and she has been strongly encouraging him to leave his family and they've been seeing each other for over a year. She seems to be a single parent from what I can gather and wants someone to support her financially. First of all I pleaded with him to stay, then I got angry and since yesterday I haven't heard from him at all and he hasn't even phoned his children here to say hello or anything. Is there any point me talking to this woman? I have no idea what to do. I know our marriage has not been perfect but I do love him and don't to lose him for good and I'm terrified about life alone without him. Any help would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, WW_Oxford +, writes (13 January 2010):
Well thank you anon for calling me an inspiration! That has made my day! And that is exactly the message that I would like to convey to any woman who is going through what this lady is. I do feel a lot of sympathy for her but also my husband, which is strange after all he put me through. It's because I understand now that he had a difficult childhood and that he will always be seeking the love he never got as a little boy. That love can never be fulfilled by a wife/mistress so he's on internet dating sites again looking what can't be found on them.
It's interesting going on this web site to see that you all feel that internet dating web sites are equivalent to being unfaithful. In effect my husband has been unfaithful to me and now to his new woman - there is a pattern of behaviour that some men (and I suppose women) follow, they seem to be seeking a partner that doesn't exist.
You are so right that there is love and a lot of real fun and laughter to be had after betrayal. And the sex is unbelievable, I 'd never imagined it could be so good - you just need an unselfish man (amazing fact - they do exist.)
So my advice would be to realise that if a man betrays you it is his call for help. But there are some people that just can't be helped or won't be and if that is really the case with your husband (it takes a while to find out the truth so don't be in a hurry to ditch him) then calmly go to your solicitor with the facts. But there is absolutely no hurry whatsoever. If you rush things you may regret hasty action. You are still in shock and are probably in no position to discuss divorce, you need strength to cope with that hurdle. I'm only half way through the court proceedings, so I know it is painful. I could never have done it when still in the trauma I was two years ago.
My plea to anyone in this situation would be take time, even at 52, there is plenty of it for most people.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): wow WW OXFORD, you are an inspiration to all cheated spouses. YOU SURVIVED, you lived through the nightmare of your hb's affair and you got through it in the end.Loved that bit about your hb still being "troubled" . at least you are rid of that rat once and for all. seems like you in fact came out the victor while he is stuck with his mistress. i am sure he never did think you would get better than him. Enjoy your new life and new love, YOU DESERVE IT. as for your loser hb, well, karma is a bitch isn't it. He found out the hard way. Just enjouy your new man and the awesome sex that goes with it. I am sure you are now endulging like never in your wildest dreams. Your ex must be holding his head in shame, never having thought of you as a woman. Well, dear woman, enjoy. I am sooooo proud of you and you have proven that there is life, love, laughter after someone betrays you.
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A
female
reader, WW_Oxford +, writes (11 January 2010):
Hi there, This is so uncanny because I found out about my husband's affair on Boxing day 2 years ago! I am 50 now and can tell you there is life to be had after an affair, but you will probably got through hell first and I feel very sad and sorry for you.My husband told me about this web site soon after I found out about his affair and I went on a few times and got all sorts of answers, which were really very helpful. People are very kind, and can give advice but only you can make your own decisions.I haven't been this web site for over a year because I've moved on and am much stronger, but it was through it that my husband and I found out the cause of his affair. So it can be very helpful to talk to strangers. However, I would advise you not to tell everyone you know at this stage, especially if you want the marriage to work. I only told good friends for a year and a half until I made the decision to end the marraige. You will need lots of 'sticking plasters' - use them! For me it was a bottle of wine a night, at least it helped me sleep and blotted out the pain!I know that if I can get my life sorted out again, anyone can. I thought my heart would break it was a physical ache and pain and I didn't want to live. I lost a stone and a half in weight, although I wasn't overwieght before, it was impossible for me to eat. If one of the children had died it might have been worse, but probably not much. So..... I really feel for you and know all the hurt you are going through.Now, after going through endless back and forward, my husband is living with his other woman and is still 'troubled' (his words.) He has just sent me a link to this site which describes what he is going through, which is why I'm looking at it again tonight. He is not happy, clearly. But the good news is that I am!Having sorted myself out and having found happiness again in being me, I met another man, who is just perfect, and who wants me because I'm me! How amazing is that! When I was at your stage I could never in a million years have imagined such a thing, but it is true that you can learn to trust men again and that there are some good ones out there.I wish you a happy ending to your story too. If you would like to get in touch, please do because I would very much like to help anyone who has gone through a similar experience. Have faith that - your wound is very raw and will leave a scar but it will heal for certain and you will be a better person for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): I hope you give him his space. I think if he is already missing you he will probably come back. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): Hi this is the original poster her. I am not too bad things. I've spoken to my husband and he seems to be in two minds - one minute he is affectionate, the next he is cold and it's exhausting and upsetting. I think I am doing ok because I keep hoping he'll come back. Thanks for your answers - appreciated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): To the anonymous women. How are you doing? I hope OK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Great advice here. Since others have advised on the emotional side, I'll advise on the practical.
Get thee to a divorce attorney, and know all about your rights and what you're entitled to, just in case he doesn't want to come back. I'm betting that when he realizes he has to end up financially supporting two women and all the kids, that running away won't look like such a good idea.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 What a terrible time to choose to leave, you poor thing. First of all, I wouldn't bother confronting the other woman, as doing that when you're feeling so vulnerable could very likely lead to you feeling even more humiliated and upset. The best advice I can suggest is to try as best you can to cope with things and just wait and see what happens. The reality of a proper, committed relationship with the other woman might not be what your husband was expecting, and he may come back with his tail between his legs after a few months, (especially once the other woman cops a load of his moods and the verbal abuse). During that time you may well find that you've gotten over the devastation and that you've had time to think about his crappy attitude towards you. You may even find that you don't want someone like him in your life any longer. Goodluck, I hope the New Year turns things around for you. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I am so sorry for you. I know it is easy to dish out advice as I am not walking in your shoes. However, I did go through a divorce from a man I loved dearly and felt the devastation you discuss. I am still working through the grieving, but this is what I did to survive. I poured myself into my daughters life. She was only three at the time. I worked out all the time and took the best care of my self because inside I wanted to die literally. I pushed myself harder at work. I went to counseling. I read books. I would absolutely leave him alone, because he is being a total jerk and the women is a jerk, for trying to convince him to leave his family. She must have been very desperate to do that. I hope Karma gets the two of them. He has been verbally abusive so please write down the examples of the abuse and read it daily, he does not sound all that nice. He might be going through a mid life crisis. The grass always looks greener until they really get to know eachother. Let him go and do not beg him to come back, I understand why you did , I would have too. PLease call a counselor immediately. Go out buy some new clotes and get to the gym. Look your best so he can eat his heart out. He has to have some feelings for you deep down as you have been together a long time. In regards to being 52 , you are young! People meet at all different ages. We have the advantages of online dating. There are some pretty nice guys on the internet. I would not even think about dating yet as this will totally complicate things. I think he might run back to you , but am not sure. In the meantime, it is all about self preservation. Life has thrown you a huge curve ball but you can deal with it. I have and you can to. I had so much more in an 8 year period but this is about you. Take charge and get into counseling right away.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 I am so sorry you are having to go through this! First of all, you are probably in shock right now, and feelig very vulnerable. Step back, and take a deep breath! Focus on taking care of yourself. Take it one day at a time and give yourself time to get used to the idea that he is gone.
Don't worry about meeting someone else right now. That will come later.
You said he was abusive towards you. Is that the way you want to spend the rest of your life? I have learned that life is so much better being on my own, than living with an abusive partner.
I am older than you and had to face the fears of spending my life without a partner. But now, two years down the road, my ex is just a distant memory...a bad one at that!
I have found the man of my dreams. It didn't happen overnight though. I had to experience several unsuccessful relationships before I found him.
I started out by taking a look at my previous choices in men. I tried modifying my behavior when it came to the type of men I had always been attracted to. At first I went way to the other extreme, which wasn't right for me either. And finally, just like Goldilocks, I found the one that's just right!
You will get through this! It will take time, but it will get better!
There may even come a time when you will actually feel grateful that he left you!
Good Luck!
~BG~
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A
male
reader, T'man +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Well here me out im only 12 so please don't be offend. If Your husband wants to leave for sum lady who's probaly doing it for his money then he isn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Don't worry about meeting someone else. You're only 52!
Your 50's are the new forties.
For gods sake don't stick to him at any price cos you're scared of being alone. Would you want him to be with you if that was the only reason he was around?
I know your scared confused and shell shocked now, but who knows how you'll feel in a few weeks?
It might be the best thing ever for you. You get a whole new life to do as you please.
I bet he comes back anyway. good luck x
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (28 December 2009):
Hi, what a terrible thing to happen to you.
If it makes you feel better the statistics say that he probably will come back when he realises the grass isn't greener.
Make sure you talk to your friends and family and get support.
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