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My husband left me, and I want him back. I don't know what else to do.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 4 May 2012)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Help. My husband of 13 years just left and but we have been together for almost 20 years. He has been gone for about 4 months now. I don't even remember what started this. Just an argument, and then he starts saying he doesn't know if he wants to be married.

For about a month and half, he just starts not being home. He would come home for a shower, get dressed and go out. Then come home and start all over again. Then one night he goes out and doesn't come home all weekend. Doesn't answer his cell phone, just doesn't come home. Then he comes home for a few days then leaves again.

He never tells me he is leaving - he just leaves. no phone calls, no explanations, nothing. After a few days later, I call him and he does answer and I ask him what is going on and why? He tells me he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. I broke down. He tells me don't do that, he is sorry, he doesn't want to hurt me. Just give him time. So I leave him alone. On and off we would talk. He kept saying he just needed time, give him time, he still loved me, he was coming back to me, he wasn't leaving me, but he just needed time.

So I try to leave him alone. Only bothered him when he would tell me he was coming over or he would call and then when he wouldn't. I would keep trying to call him. Then one day he tells me he is coming home at the end of the month. We would talk every now and then, and he kept telling me he was coming home, maybe see him a couple times, and would hug me, and touch me. Well the end of the month comes, he doesn't come home. Then he tells me the end of the week. Monday comes, he is home for a few days, but not really here, either working or not home and then one day, leaves and doesn't come home and ignores my phone calls.

Anther week goes by and he calls me, tells me he is sorry, he just needed some time he will be home. He comes home. He is home for a week. Things seem to be a little better. we talk in the morning, talk at night. we talk on the phone, he sounds different. Sounds happier. Even our son said he sounded better than he has in a long time. We make plans to go out on a Saturday night after he got off from work. He comes home, we go and play pool and had a great time. talking, laughing, kidding each other, flirting, touching and I think to myself, yes, we can make this work. We get home late, his son calls, having problems with his girlfriend, he leaves tells me he is coming back and doesn't come home or answer his phone. I talk to him the next afternoon, he apologizes, just his son needed him and he should have called.

Then he is at work, tells me that he will come home after work and we will talk. I tell him if he is going to come home at 12:00 to tell me that he doesn't want to be married anymore, he can tell me now. He promises me that is not what it is, he is not going to hurt me like that, he is not leaving me, he promises, he would talk to me. I talk to him around 8:00 that night, he agains promises me he is coming home. Needless to say, he doesn't. He doesn't call, doesn't answer his phone, took vacation from work. this goes for about a week and half, then his aunt dies. he comes home to go with me to the funeral. after the funeral tells me he does still love me, he has been doing alot of thinking, especially during the funeral and he will be home sunday night. He wants to come home, he misses us, he needs to come home. he loves me. he promises me, tells me i will see because i don't believe him. he wants to come home, i ask why not tonight, why sunday? cuz he has things to do. well, needless to say, sunday comes, and he doesn't come home. oh yes, for five minutes to tell me he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore. he likes the freedom. he doesn't want to hurt me. he leaves, tells me he will call and talk to me. but of course, he doesn't. i try to call, he never answers. all week this goes on. i finially decided that i wouldn't call anymore, it was hard. then after two days that i don't call, on wednesday morning, i go out to walk the dogs and his car is parked in our parking lot. this really upsets me. it is like shoving it in my face as if to say "look what I can do, I can do anything I want and there is nothing you can do about it" that is the way it felt. well, i called him in the am, he answered, he apologized, it wasn't like that. he just had to drive someone else home. i asked him why he didn't park where he is staying now. he apologizes, nothing really is solved, tells me he will call me later, i tell him no you won't dont' make promises you know you won't keep. that night, at home watching a movie with my son and his girlfriend, he comes walking in the house around 10:00. i ask why are you here? why do you do that. cuz he wanted to see us, wanted to see me, wanted to give me a hug. stays for about 45 minutes, then when leaves, gives me a hug and a kiss on the neck and tells me he will call me tomorrow and stop over. I have not heard from him since. I don't know what to do. One day he doesn't want to be married and then the next, he loves me and wants to come home. I should say he just recently turned 50, and all this came after a hard winter when he worked so much he was hardly home (snow removal) because of it and felt bad and kept telling me he had to make it up to me, etc. i told him not to worry about it. he is still putting his money in the bank so that the bills could get paid. I don't won't to push him, or force him, but he won't even talk to me. I have not been calling him, and it is very hard but I am trying. hoping against hope that he will miss me a little and want to call to see how i am. i will say when i didn't call for the first 2 days, then is when he parked his truck in our parking lot. it is almost like when i call and he doesn't answer, he controls it. but if i don't call, he can't control it. he knew parking his car here would upset me and i would call him. about a month ago, when he started saying he was coming home and he didn't, he would call me late at night, and wake me cuz he was feeling sad and depressed. one time he came home to sleep. just walked in around 1:00 and went to sleep on the couch telling me it was hot where he was at as they lost electricity. i told hime he couldn't do this, it is wrong. he tells me it is his house, he still pays the bills and if he wants to he can. that is why i don't know what to do. he does still put his money in the bank to pay the bills, and if he didn't, I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and all the other bills. i do not want a divorce, so i will not go see a lawyer to start the proceedings and he knows this. I asked him if one day i was going to come home and have some man knock on my door and serve me with papers? he told me no. I don't want to push him or force him, i don't want to do something that will push him to do something that he really doesn't want to do. he has not just alleniated himself from us, he doesn't call his mother and sisters like he used. he used to call every sunday, and he hasn't for awhile. I don't know what to do. I still love him, very much, yes he has hurt me, but i think he is depressed and doesn't know what he wants. i think turning 50 really affected him plus working a lot of hours in the winter and he also got hurt at work and was in pain for about 3 weeks. this bothered him cuz he doesn't get sick, so he missed out on a lot of OT because of it. So, i am trying to leave him alone to see if that makes a difference. It has been a few days since he came by. I don't want a divorce. we have a long past together, in fact if we had never broken up, we would have together for almost 30 years. i hate to say it, but it is like we are soul mates. we don't see eachother for a long time and then one day just run into eachother and it was like we were never apart. so, please don't suggest a divorce, that is not what i want. but i hate coming home to this house by myself. i have to thought to take of the dogs. i just wish he would talk to me. marriage is not easy. i know that. i also feel that walking away is easier then staying and making work. i am afraid, that the longer he doesn't come home, the harder it will be for him to come home. like i said he still pays the bills, and most of his stuff is still here. again, what can i do? just wait it out? i am hurting and sad and i miss my life. a few times he has told me that if we got back together, it wouldn't be the same. i told him no it wouldn't, but we could make it better. we always found our way back to each other. i believe we have too much together to just walk away. if he is waiting for me to make the first move, he will have a long wait. so long as he continues to pay the bills, i guess i have no other choice but to wait. it is killing me though. i have good days and bad days. i cry all the time. i guess i just needed to sound off. i don't know what else to do.

View related questions: at work, depressed, divorce, flirt, got back together, money, soul mates, soulmate

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012):

hey sweety,

if you want him back,try dressing sexy.short skirt,nylons and poity toe heels or flats.that's what men like.not pants,manshoes and t shirts.be sexy and you'll never have to worry about him again.

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A female reader, Serenityelf Canada +, writes (6 June 2009):

It was so nice to hear you are making a life for yourself.

Our faith in God can be the only thing that gets us through such a sad situation.

I truly hope all things work out for you for the best.

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hello, and thank you for the few people that responded with help. the BPD was a great answer. I have always thought that my husband has some type of mental disorder. anyway, after August, i just left him alone and started to live my life. he would call every so often to see how i was, etc. but i found out that he was back into drugs and that is why he changed so drastically. he knew i wouldn't go thru it again so he left. we are still seperated. in feb he was diagnosed with cancer. we talked and he wanted to come home home. i agreed, because i had to be able to live with myself. i had to sleep at night and if i didn't do all i could to help him and something happened? then i would have to live with that regret and i don't want to. right now, he is away getting help for his addiction and cancer. i have spoken to him. he seems to be thinking clearly again. like the man i married. he has asked me if i will wait. i told him i don't know. there has been a lot done and i don't want to live like the way were anymore. i deserve to be happy and treated with love and respect. so i dont know what will happen. i take it day by day and live my life. i don't know what will happen. if nothing else, i hope he gets better both mentally and physically, hopes he beats the cancer and if nothing else, after all the years of being togther, maybe we could at least be friends. who knows? they say everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for us. we might not understand it at the time, but eventually we always get an answer. it may not be the answer that we want, but we do get answered. so, for now. i live my iife. what happens will happen.

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A female reader, Serenityelf Canada +, writes (5 June 2009):

I know you posted this almost a year ago and I really hope things have worked out for the best for you.

When I was reading your posts it occured to me that your husband sounded mentally ill;perhaps borderline Personality Disorder of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Check out this site and see if you can relate. http://bpdfamily.com/Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks for the replies. I have considered a mid life crisis, considered that there is someone else, considered maybe he is doing drugs, although if he did, he does get tested at work randomly and he could loose his job, I have considered these possibilities and more. I don't know what happened. I don't know why he has done this and he tells me he doesn't know why, he is depressed and hates himself for doing this to me, so he says. He says he doesn't know why. I tell him not to come to the house. that he can't keep doing this, he tells me he knows. then he does it agan.although i will say since the last time when he was home that week, and things seemed better and we went out that last night and had a great time, and then he just left, he has not come home except to go to his aunt's funeral with me and then again 4 days later when he told me he was going to come home, but instead he informed me he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. now he has ignored me. he did park his car here that night, and i cused him out about it. he stopped by that night, once again i cused him out and asked him why? since then, i have not heard from him. He knows he is wrong, at least he says he knows, but he is good at telling people what they want to hear. He won't talk to me, so I don't know what is going on with him or why he is doing this. I wish i knew. I wish he would come home and we could go to counseling and try to figure it out. but, he pretends that i don't exist. like if he does that, he doesn't have to deal with it and maybe i will go away. but i am not going away. we are married and not boyfriend and girlfriend. it is different. how does he know he doesn't want to be married anymore? he hasn't come home and really tried to see if it could work. that one week he was home, i swear things were a little better. even my son noticed a change in him. so, i don't know what else to do or say to him. like i said, he is stillputting his money in the bank to pay the bills here. if he stops, i loose the house and everything else. so i don't know what to do or how much to push. i need him to continue to help with the bills. i just wish i didn't hurt so much, but i love him. yes i hate him for what he is doing, and do not respect him right now, but i still love my husband. i ask myself why, when i shouldn't, but i don't want to be divorced. i have been through one already years ago, and i don't want to go through another one. besides, we live in a throw way society, if it gets too hard, people costantly get divoreced and remarried. i don't wnat to be like that. i know if he really does want a divorce and wants out there is nothing i can do. but most of his things are still here, his mail still comes here, and until that changes, i guess i am hoping he will wake up, start acting his age again and realize he misses me, misses us and wants to be married again? then again, maybe it is just false hope. i don't know. but thanks for your prayers and your responses. please continue to pray that it will work out for us.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (21 July 2008):

rcn agony auntI don't know how he can do that. Have you thought about the possability of a mid life crisis? It's my belief people should treasure marriage, and grow together throught the good and difficult times.

I'm not saying you lack intelligence. I have children, and you do as well. Think of your husband as a child. My children know at my home it's okay to take off shoes and kick their feet up on the couch to relax, watch tv and nap. But at grandmas home, no feet on the couch, shoes or no shoes. No nap on the couch, because the heavy part of the body leaves indentations. Cups on tables must have a coaster under. My rules are different than hers. My kids know and adhere to the rules at her home compared to mine. They learned that by testing and pushing a little bit outside to establish the boundaries they are allowed at both places.

They know what they can get away with and what they better not attempt. Your husband is learning the same at your home. He's doing what he's doing because it's allowed. You may not appreciate it, but your still allowing it.

I want you to think back to the beginning of your marraige. To the happiest experiences you've shared with your husband. What's different then, compared to what you'd to together right before all this began. If this is a mid life crisis, he's simply trying to live, and be spontaneous. Remember he can do things as his age increases. What can you contribute to that feeling? Were you in a rut of routine? If so, what can you do as a couple to break that routine and enjoy maybe not always knowing exactly what's going to happen the next day.

My kids love it when I wake the up late at night on the weekend, we hop in the car and go out of town, stay in a motel and shop for the weekend. Those are the times they always remember vs. day in and day out, all the same activities. Go back to the past. Call him pet names you may have once called him. You want him to know he can toss away his maturity and act young and dorkey every once in a while with you as well. I'm almost 40, but some of the things I do with my kids keeps me feeling young, and at times what society would consider a "blond". I do so because I love to laugh, and seeing my kids laugh keeps me going. I still do ice down the pants for them not waking up. Jumping on the beds when it's time to get up and cruise to the park. I feel like I'm about 20 with them, but still handle the responsabilities of being an adult.

I hope this helps. I pray everything works out between you and your husband. I believe in marriage, the friendship and companionship which is built between two people. Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks to the two that responded. believe me it has crossed my mind that there is someone else. I am not stupid. I have told him how i want to be treated, that what he is doing is wrong, that i am his wife and not some whore he can treat like this. i have told him to stay away, not to call until he is ready to come home and he shouldn't come home at all for any reason unless he wants to. he will tell me i am right and he won't do it until the next time. i have not called him. have not tried to contact him for almost a week. but like i said, when i didn't he parks his car here which he knew was wrong. i don' want to push too much becuase honestly, if he stops putting his money in the bank to help pay the bills, then i loose my house and i don't want that. so, i am like between a rock and hard place, damn if i do, damned if i don't. it is just so hard cuz i don't understand how you can just walk out and not contact anyone at all. it is like out of sight, out of mind. if he does not have to seem, he doesn't have to deal with anything. he has never liked confrontation. has always avoided it. so he avoids me, i don't exist. but i have told him, this is not like boyfriend and girlfriend, and we break up. there is so much more than that. so, i am trying to just get by day by day. it's hard. so many memories in this house. and i am afraid the longer he stays away, the harder it will be for him to come home for good. it is like when ever he comes around, he does not want me to say anything. like yea, that will be ok. like i am just supposed to shake his hand and say how are you doing, nice see you, see you next time? i don't have to worry about running into him as he has a new group of "single" friends that he is with now. he doesn't talk to his family like he used to, or his kids. as far as everyone knows, he is still here. and really, i like it that way also as i don't want to answer a lot of questions right now, and plus it is no one's business about my personal life. and i am not doing this because i think that so long as i don't say anything, he won't really want a divorce. i know that isn't true. if it is goin to hepen, it is going to happen. me saying something or not saying something, is not going to change it. but if he is waiting for me to contact a lawyer, i'm sorry, i won't do that. i don't want a divorce. i just want my life back. yes i know there are problems that have to be worked on, but he doesn't ever talk to me. how can a person do that? not even talk?

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (19 July 2008):

rcn agony auntWhat comes to mind first is, although he leaves then comes back and plays this little game, adultry is still adultry. I feel as if he may be playing two sides. Telling you he's coming back, and telling the other one he's left you.

I also feel as if you are week in your actions. I say thing because you don't like his behavior. Your right, what he's doing is wrong. So why do you continue making excuses for him and the behavior he's been having with you. There are certain behaviors that are not excuseable, and what he is doing is one of them. There is no excuse for what he's doing, period.

You need to do what might come hard. Demand the way you wish to be treated. He's saying he needs time, then more and more and more. And you say "okay, I'll wait for you." What is this doing to you? You need to tell him that you will no longer allow him to treat you like crap and keep you lingering while he does who knows what. Tell him this is a marriage, not a game, and you are his wife and not his toy. In a way he's playing you. Why? Because he knows he can.

You are your own person in every way, shape and form. You have absolute right over yourself and how you choose to be treated. Married or not, don't settle for less than you deserve. He's making these decisions, not you. They're his choices. By his choice, he's causing you pain, and knows it is. Weather you are with him or not, you need to live for you. Marriage doesn't mean to stop taking care of yourself. This is your life. Don't let his behavior stop you from living. This is wrong for you. Your marriage, if you decide to work it out is one thing. Needs alot of work. But your building yourself is another area which needs work too. You don't deserve this, and need to stand up for your right, and your right to be happy, and not be played.

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (19 July 2008):

Well honestly, this is a tough situation because you have been together a long time. But it sounds like you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. Give him some time. Don't call him or really even acknowledge him when you do see him. He's obviously going to have to prove to you that he wants to be married still when he is ready. So I would say that when he does start to come back around don't jump into it so quickly, keep your guard up. If he then proves himself, I would say maybe marriage counseling. He's obviously having some issues if he thinks that can just keep coming in and out of your life. He's supposed to be your husband, he made a lifetime committment to you and he needs to hold true to it. If he can't do it, then no matter how much you love him, divorce him. You deserve to be happy too!

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