A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:When I found out about my husband's affair 2 months ago we decided to go to relate and try to work out a better marriage for us both. And although it's been hard we have made progress and have learnt a lot about each other. we have been married 21 years. I went on this website a few weeks ago and the things that you guys told me were really helpful so I wonder if you can give some more advice? He told me that he has had no contact with the other woman, but twice I have discovered that this isn't true. I now know that there have been texts between them but he has deleted them, so he can't show me also he has phoned her, or she has phoned him a few times. I understand from the relate counsellor that affairs rarely just stop immediatly and that it is normal to have a period of transition so I have expected there has to be some contact between them, which is why I have been checking his emails and mobile phone. Today I found that he went round to her house yesterday and gave her a present.He has lied and lied several times today and completely denied it at first but I'd found a receipt so I knew that he was lying. It wasn't till I told him about the receipt that he confessed. I'm feeling pain almost as bad as when I first found out, because I was starting to trust him again and now we've had an awful set back. We've talked it through and he says it was a brief meeting and that she was concerned about him and was missing him and she finds it really hard to be without him. He is finding it hard to let go of the relationship with her (he loves her) but keeps telling me that he has made his decision and that it to work on our marriage. His head is telling him to stay with me but his heart is telling him to go to her. I have the following questions:1. how will I know when enough is enough? should I just stop this hurt once and for all?2. I know that no one can define what love is and it means different things to different people, but I belive that my loyalty and willingness to stick with him and put him first must surely be true love? Or is it naivety ?3. I realise that a love affair that lasted 6 months can't compare to a 21 year marriage, because neither of them have seen each other as they really are. I am sure that if he went to live with her her would quickly realise that he made a mistake and come running back to me. Should I let him so I can sort out what it is that I really want? 4. The other woman. I'd like to know what your opinion is of the way she has behaved, because I think she has deliberatly decided to wreak our marriage, but my husband will not hear a word against her. The way the other woman got him round to her house yesterday, was to text him that her heating was broken and he called her back and then went to help her mend the boiler and gave her an oil radiator and some flowers to cheer her up. She went through a messy divorce 10 years ago and I would have thought that if she really cared for my husband, she would not want the same thing to happen to him. Surely it can't be in his best interests to leave his family (youngest child 13)his lifestyle, reputation and possibility of promotion at work? By appealing to his instincts to help her when she has a problem it seems to me that she is playing a clever game with his emotions when he is vulnerable. She must think she has a chance to get him back and especially so now that he has gone to see her again. Do you think he must have given her that impression by contacting her from time to time? Silly question...of course she does! Here's another more difficult one....I know lots of details about the affair (I wanted to know) and my husband tells me, and I believe him, that he was trying to put a stop to what was a close friendship and put a distance between them when she, performed a sexual act that was not intercourse (is that clear enough?) Apparently she is 'a very sensual woman who gets carried away with passion and likes doing that to a man' (his words.)Now come on girls, how many of us just do that without getting anything in return? I know it can be erotic, is combination with other things, but just doing it like that....well here's the question...am I correct in deducing that she deliberatly set out to seduce him by doing that first? The next time she did the same, so full intercourse did not take place till she was 'overcome with passion' again in her son's bedroom (my husband was mending the computer which is kept in there)and she conveniently had some condoms in the drawer next to the bed!! My husband just cannot see that she had it planned, but surly I'm right? Finally, when she was 10 I was her daughter's form teacher. The girl has special needs and so i developed what I thought, was a good relationship with the two of them. The girl is now 16 or 17 and has seen a relationship develop between her mother and the husband of an old school teacher. What sort of example is that? I cannot convince my husband that she must be a very selfish woman to set that sort of example to a girl who has problems anyway! I realise there are several reasons why women have affairs with married men, but here is a theory.... this woman saw what a good lifestyle we have (in comparison to her we are well off) and wanted to have a share of it.5. Finally...this is the most difficult question of all. How do I get my husband to realise that this woman cannot be as perfect as she appears to him? She can do no wrong in his eyes because she says all the things that he wants to hear. How clever and talented he is, she's so proud to know him, his smell reminds her of her father, he's so good looking and attractive for his age her heart 'sings with joy' when she sees him etc. etc. (I read this in emails and this is how I found out about the affair) It's obvious to me that she is scheming, manipulative and selfish person and, I hope, also to anyone who's been kind enough to reach this far in the saga. Please how do I make him see that there is more to love than these words? If I didn't love him i'd tell him to pack his bags this evening. I feel that he has fallen in love with a fictional woman and I cannot compete. Thanks for reading all this!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): hello
I read your post earlier because your issue seems so similar to mine. I wonder if you have an update on your situation that I could learn from. How did it all turn out? Are you still with your husband?
I will realy appreciate an update on your situation as learning point for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Obviously the best people to advise you are those going through similar situations, their advice must help enormously but each one is unique and only you can judge what is right for you - it seems you are going through a whole spectrum of complicated emotions and probaby all within each hour - your mind is spiralling and you feel you have lost touch with reality and what you knew as your life - a deeply traumatic time for you - all of us in this type of crisis and there are many of us - deeply empathise and support as in doing so we help ourselves..life is about change and you will find your way through this change - we will take the path that eventually leads to a better way for us and in going through the crisis we become stronger and eventually happier - we have to have that faith..... the only practical help I can give relates to your earlier posts - I relate to the role we woman play in trying to keep harmony in the house - adapting to the mans wishes and ways thinking we are doing the right thing by being nice and it will be appreciated - what I have learnt is that we do eventually deeply resent the constant givng against our true wishes and all that effort is only taken for granted - I am afraid that put bluntly at worst if we act like doormats then we will be treated like them - since I have taken more of a stand for what I want and tried to persue my wishes and develop my own identity and follow a reinventing myself path - my husband respects me much more - I am happier and feel stronger. You know all your wonderful strong points - believe in yourself - know that you are a strong and valuable person that your husband should appreciate - look to your own life more - go to where you find comfort and laughter if you can - be stronger in doing what you want to do and see his reaction - take it step by step as you have the opportunity - improve your doormat status! Concentrate on making you the stronger and happier partner - leave him to sort himself out and concentrate on yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): I know what you mean TOTALLY, TOTALLY and I have come to the conclusion that perhaps we are supposed to go through this. I have given you some advice which I am finding myself going through at the same time now, so I can completely relate to how much easier it is for the advice or ability to take action, without overwhelming emotions pulling and pushing your sanity.
To me - that is evil, as a person of similar beleifs to you, I think that is something you instinctively identify it as. These situations, are areas of life which we see the dark side of our significant other, and to a certain extent ourselves. It takes on its own force. Because that force is devastating, the only thing I understand this type of distruction is for a better word evil.
Hang in their doll. Kiss for you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,It's easy to see a situation from the outside isn't it? But when you're in it it is so much harder to take stock. Can a man be in love with 2 women at the same time? In answer to you question, yes I am (or was) a Christian and that makes things harder. Where is forgiveness in all of this? I am struggling with my faith, if truth be told. I'm deliberatly shutting any religious belief out because that is the way i want it to be. And yes, it is making it tougher on myself, before you ask me. I don't know why I can't turn to God at this crucial point in my life. I just don't want to, for the first time ever. It may be that for the first time ever true evil has entered my life? Any Christians out there I'd like to hear how you respond. thanks.
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reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Listen, this time next year you won't be in the mess you're in now. Give him the space he must have in order to realize that YOU are the one he really wants. You have to do this or you'll regret you didn't. The children will do fine, just be there for them and support them as you've been doing. Always keep open communication and never use them against the other parent.Be honest and talk to your parents about this issue as well. They WILL support you and be a big help through it all. Keep in touch! You are doing the right things and YOU are not the reason for THIS SO-CALLED BAD MARRIAGE. You are where you are supposed to be--NOT HIM. If you care, you'll let him go. Bottom line.
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reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (11 March 2008):
Lordy, woman. I could write a book. Been there, done that.1) stop this nonsense and end it. He obviously has issues that he cannot deal with two relationships at once. Nor can you!2)You cannot make someone change unless they want to change themselves. It is very unfair to you to hold on when his LOVE is with someone else and as long as you hold on, he's going to take advantage of that. (let go and see if he comes back; then you'll know it was true love for YOU)3)You 'let go' girlfriend! same as #24)My ex did the same thing to me. I stayed with him for another 15 years until I realized he was doing it again with another woman. It's hard to trust once they do this sort of thing. Do you have religion in your marriage at all? This woman is a manipulator, so watch your back.5)Honey, she's out for all she can get. Her feelings for you are repulsive and jealous. You need to let him go and stand back and accept the facts. Let him see for himself that she is going 'no place' anytime soon. If he can see it, then he'll be back, but you'd better be ready with marriage counselors, preachers, (make sure you get child support, spousal support and file for separation right away)and if he does return and you ALLOW it--make sure it's for the right reasons and BOTH WORK AT IT. Good Luck, and keep in touch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks again. This is so tough!
He's away on business at the moment and it's a relief. I shouldn't feel that way about my husband, but is it surprising? I never know what sort of mood he's going to be in. He expects me to be 'spontaneously loving' he calls it, but I can't be that after he's behaved so badly. The councellor said that he was the sort of person who needs a good, if not really good marriage, that average is not good enough for him. He's very ambitious and motivated and strives for perfection...he's driven. So when he achieves something in life he's looking for the next. He thinks that he would have a happier marraige with another person and he'd like that person to be me, but if I can't change to meet his emotional needs then our marriage will be over. The trouble is I don't think i can change. I am a very loving person, I have oceans of love to give, and it is freely given to all sorts of peple and animals in my life, but they give back. is it possible to love someone who has behaved so badly? It would be easy if he were full of remorse and begged my forgiveness and told me over and over how sorry he is. But he's too full of pride to do that. He does not empathise well and he blames me for our bad marriage. I'm expected to be the one who does all the giving in our relationship, and the truth is that i've resented it, but haven't said till now. When I tell him how i feel he gets very cold and distant. It's very hurtful but his behavior shows that he really doesn't love me very much, if at all.
if it were just me to consider I would have shown him the door weeks ago. But our youngest,14, adores her dad. I am worried that a split between her parents would break her heart. We have 2 other older children and parents, siblings, friends, who would be devastated by our split. Also, I take marraige vows very seriously and just because he has broken his does not make it right to break mine.
One day i think I have made a decision and the next i don't and that is the worst part of this situation. If you could tell me what I'll be doing this time next year.... well....give me a crystal ball someone!!!
Thanks again for all you help. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Good to hear you are still handing in there with all the issues involved! I have been in exactly the same headspace and know it is really hard.
Hey, it is easier, when he is a shit like normal though aye! So keep searching and finding your peace. The process is long and a hard road, but I do beleive that you need to go through what ever you need to to find that peace.
All the best, keep searching and desiring your own truth and take only good, solid and stong reliable things into your future.
Keep us posted on your progress, we are always here!!
God Bless
xxx
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 March 2008):
 Darling,
He compares you to a plain box of chocolates, and says IN FRONT OF YOU, that she was the nice exciting box.
Wake up babe, he doesnt want to be there. He should be begging you to forgive him, and do anything to make you feel good about yourself again. But he's not, he is making you feel as though you are still second best.
I think in your mind you know what is happening, and you are scared to throw him out because you know where he will go. I understand completely, and I really feel for you. But unless you make a stand against him, he will make your life a misery. He knows that he has the upper hand, its about time that you showed him you have a backbone as well. And he cant walk all over you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): So your counselor basically told you to stop being a doormat....I would go one step further and say stop being his mother. What a poor excuse for bad behavior that he didn't get enough attention growing up, did any of us? He has an above average need for emotional support? What is he the girl in this relationship?
The reason he thinks you are ordinary is because you are overusing your gifts....you are doing too much for him, making excuses for him, coddling him with emotional support and accepting him going between your house and his lovers! Wake up woman! Grow a spine and ask him to pack a bag and go live with her, and make sure he takes all of his dirty shorts along with him.
I am telling you if you turn the tables and start acting as if you are worth a lot, a prize, you are expensive not cheap like her, then he will regret his decision to fool around....he will see you are not ordinary and he will notice all of the things he has to give up to be with her.
Ask your counselor, I bet he/she wishes you would kick him out.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,Thanks for the replies. Here's a quick update...we have good days and bad. He went to see her again and i thought I'd made up my mind but it's so hard when he's kind normally but somtimes cold and distant. If he was one or that other all the time the decision would be easy. What I now accept is that the blame lies with him and I've stopped trying to blame her. He didn't get enough attention when he was growing up and has an above average need for emotional support. So i make excuses for him, but my eyes are wide open now to his selfishness and i have to decide if i can put up with that for the rest of my lfe. He compared us to a box of chocolates when we went to relate, he said she was a sweet tempting box and I was just ordinary....nice isn't he? The counsellor told me to stand up to him more, but when I do he gets sulky.So still no real progress. It's nice of you to check up, I appreciate it. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): to the original poster - how is it going now? I keep checking to see how you are doing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): He is still lying to you and you are having to watch your back all the time. Is this what you want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Where do your children stand in this? You said youngest is 13 and musy be at home so thats a tough one to work out - but if possible I think you shoud make him as uncomfortable as possible to shock him into realising what he risks losing and not offer the family home - so if his mothers is the only alternative then thats it - time frame is difficult to say - it depends how you both feel about the next step - again it might shock him into realising the seriousness of what he has done if you say you dont want to hear from him for two weeks. It depends how you feel about how you want to interact with him or not and how you will manage the childrens meetings with him..
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (25 February 2008):
Hi,
Having been through this myself, I can tell you that he is not trying to save your marriage. If he were he would have lost all contact with this woman. Also you cannot put all the blame at her feet, she did not force him to have sex. He went along willinglly, and has fallen in love with her. To you she may not be perfect, but he cannot see this, and she seems perfect to him.
I think the sadest thing is, that you seem more worried about him and her than yourself. Why do you want to force this to work?. Why do you want to be with a man that is clearly in love with someone else?.
You have spent 20 odd years with this man, do you really want to spend another 20 knowing that he is unhappy with you, and only stayed out of guilt.
I am sounding like I am on her side I know! but I just want you to see that you dont have to put up with this. There could be a guy out there that will be honest and good to you, because he loves you, not just because he is to guilty to tell you what he really wants.
It sounds to me that your husband will not stay away from this woman anyway. Dont put yourself through any more pain, and let go of him.
If it goes wrong thats his problem, at least you can say you tried to fix it. I have been in your shoes, begging my ex husband to stay with me and go to see a councillor. He promised me all sorts to keep me sweet. I wish I had packed his bag and thrown him out the moment I found out he was still having contact with his girlfriend.
He left me for her anyway. Shame really because he did the same to her.
I dont feel any hostility towards either of them. I am happy, and glad it happened. I now have a lovely boyfriend, and I hope we will always be together. If I had stayed with my ex, I would never have met him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you so much for all these really, really helpful opinions. I feel empowered by the support and obvious caring that you have freely given to me. And because of what you have said and because this second shock has been nothing like as damaging to me, I now feel stong enough to tackle the real issues.
Tuatara is absolutly correct in saying that 'equally he was fully available to her, which is something you need to accept at some stage.' I have been too absorbed in trying to lay the blame on her and trying to understand her motives to focus on the real problem which is frankly my heusband's dreadful behaviour towards me.
I needed to understand why she did what she did, in fact I got hung up on it and it clouded my judgement of him. My inclination was to think the best of him and I couldn't accept that he was willing to give up such a lot because he wasn't happy with me. And what rhythmandblues2 said 'don't lay down and be his doormat....you have the power here and it is financial.....use his pain against him, make him see what he is about to lose, and yes it is his whole life' is sooooo true. I have been trying to appease him all our married life. He is a strong, self-absorbed character who was bullied by his older brothers and ignored by his mother and I have made allowances for that. The issue that he has with me is that I won't be a doormat 100% of the time, I told him he wasn't making me happy so he took matters into his own hands and had an affair. Probably unconciously,he has used this affair as a way of dominating me into doing what he wants at all times. And I'm not having it any more!!!!!! And this is largely thanks to you all.
Also i read an article by oldersister on this site that I thought showed brilliant insight into the other woman. It really helped me understand so anyone in a similar situation, I do recommend that you read the married man/single woman syndrome, posted on 23rd Feb. It is well written and struck several chords for me. As I was reading it (it's long but worth it) suddenly everything began to make perfect sense and I found myself smiling at the humour and being inspired by the words. I now understand where she is coming from so i can move on from her motivations.
What Tuatara said 'I would like you to consider really what this means to you now. This is the man you married - do you still want him???' has also sruck home. I have made a list of all the qualities that my ideal partner would have....the usual stuff, honesty, loyalty,generosity, unselfisness, thoughtfulness...etc etc and my husband has none of those qualities!!!! And the really sad thing is that I've allowed him to be that way.
So then I read what ruby ruby says 'I think that you have left out the most important questions which is....do you still love him? do you still want to be with him?' and of course you're right that is the most important question and the answer is no I don't. I've put up with enough of his arrogant nonsense.
I've been strong and it's not my style to scream and rant but he has been told calmly (yes I am normally calm thanks for the compliment anon.)that I don't want him anymore as he is, i haven't told him that i don't love him and he hasn't been shown the door. He's away on business this week so it's good that we can both reflect on what has happened by ourselves. So I have another question....how should we proceed from here? Should he go and live with his mother for a while? Or should he stay in the family home while he repairs himself (if he can?) And one more thing....realistically, how long should i give him? Thanks again to you all for helping me to be brave and face up to this dreadful reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Tuatara has given you wonderful guidance making many important points to appreciate. To answer your questions in my opinion... Stopping this hurt ie by telling him you are through could lead to a worse kind of hurt (regret)which leads onto your willingness and loyalty which indicate that you firstly want to save your marriage. This does not mean you are willing to accept your husband lying or behaving in a way you disagree with. I agree that his relationship with this other woman has to take its course. But there is a conflict here. He has already made his choice to stay with you so he knows what the eventual outcome with this other woman will be. I think there is a case for putting your foot down hard and stating the terms on which you proceed from here. If you tell him to leave the family home until he has sorted himself out (you set the time frame) but there are no guarantees on how you will feel if he does this ie you may not be wiling to take him back when he has found out it is over with her. If he already knows it will not work with her why would he persue it? If he does leave he will soon miss his familiar home comforts and all the guilt and doubts will set in - I suspect that he has got those exciting new love feelings for her but he knows in his head that you are the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life - he has allowed himself to enjoy a forbidden fruit from an unreal world There is no doubt that the other woman has behaved badly. Sorry if this sounds insensitive, I am just trying to give an honest opinion but your paragraph about the sex side of things led me to believe you do not enjoy giving your husband a blow job - some woman love the feel of a mans penis in their mouth - maybe thats all that he gets from her that he does not get from you? If so, how sad for him to violate his long marriage for that. He must be feeling deeply guilty all the time but still making that choice to see her and then lie to you about it. There is no doubt if you tell him to leave for a period of time he will be forced to face reality and will see her differently. I think the firmer you are with him the more self respect you will have and also the stronger you will appear to him - I think a hard sharp laying down of the terms on which you are prepared to proceed with him - laying down the rules and boundaries as you want them to be - would be good for both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): He is being incredibly selfish here, having his cake and eating it and he is manipulating you,and possibly her, I say this because you cannot know what he is saying to her, he has already shown himself to be a liar and it seems that he could be trying to take the easiest course of action without making a hard decision, that is pacifying you by saying that he wants to give the marriage a chance and yet he has not had to give her up. so what can you do? You say that you want to give the marriage another go, I think you have to think long and hard about that but if you say yes then here is where the fight begins.
Firstly for a person to have an affair there has to be a reason, you may think that you were both happy in the relationship and now this woman has come along and ruined your great life, well he was'nt happy and that is why he strayed, you will at some point have to accept that some of "blame" is yours, whether or not you knew about it, so that's the first thing you will have to talk honestly, openly and as straight as you can about what caused this affair to happen. This will be really hard for you because our natural reaction is to feel hurt,betrayed and want the other person who did this to win our forgiveness.
The other thing you can do is to try and get him to visualise his life as it could be if your marriage does not survive, not in a nasty way but a realistic one, let him see that your family will be torn apart, financially and emotionally
how will he feel living with her or on his own, how will the children react. This will be a long slow painful process and I wish you all the luck and love in the world but if you want your marriage to work you will have to fight, be strong, be dignified don't let him get away with not facing hard decisions apply tough love, try not to scream and rant and put all the blame on her or slag her off to him, although I know that you will want to. Best of Luckx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): I think that you have left out the most important questions which is....do you still love him? do you still want to be with him? Instead of focusing so much on him and his affair (although I completely understand why you are doing so - it must be an awful experience) why don't you start exploring new things and areas in your life? Do things by yourself or with friends, go away on holiday, or join a club. That way you can see that there really is so more to your life than this man and affair, and you can start to put your own feelings first. This will probably alsoshow him how much harder he will have to work if he wants to save your marriage! Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): I began to feel more and more upset with your post the further I read on. I was hoping your next paragraph would tell us a little about what you want and your decisions about this discovery, rather than trying to establish his and her motives at the moment.
But then, giving consideration to my experiance with my husbands affair, I realised that this is a process I went through also.
First of all, you still in some sort of shock at the moment. The devastation of his affair news, then working through that anger to get to a place where you get some help with counselling. Feeling hopeful that this is all you have to deal with now and he is seemingly willing to make the marriage work.
Then, he lies about continued involvement with this women, still talks to her and acknowledges to you many details of his relationship with this lady which highlights his lack of loyalty to you and his refusal to stay away from her as promised.
Most of the questions you in fact asked us to give opinion on is whether we feel she hunted him down and how can you make his see her for who she really is. In response to those two questions, I agree with you she had a plan and was fully available to your husband, equally he was fully available to her, which is something you need to accept at some stage.
When this type of thing happens, your world and what you thought you could rely on is turned upside down. We are forced to face pretty unpleasant knowledge about someone we chose to share our life with. We find it exceptionally difficult to learn and accept that the man/women we love so deeply and unconditionally could in fact be someone who is deceiptful, selfish and foolish. To learn your husband has this ability and isn't what you thought you had chosen, is a struggle to handle and accept. Because this is not something we wish to accept or face about someone who is 'our life', we tend to try and find all the reasons
that he was influenced, couldn't help it and rather than his character and values which caused his actions, we suggest to ourselves that it was his weakness and her manipulation which failed him. I have struggled long and hard with this one myself and unfortunately I have HAD to face the fact that even if my husband had not become involved with this women, it was only a matter of time before someone else came along. And that hurts. In some situations I am also a believer that whilst this women may have been seductive, your husband, like mine did, saw a women he could take advantage of. Many husband/wives and partners who are unfaithful, chose the person most appropriate to have or get involved in an affair. In many situations, one may be needy manipulitive and the other is the knight in shining armour or rescuer.
She wanted to be wanted, desired and rescued, and he wanted to rescue her or wanted to be needed. Something like that. He is still getting his heartstrings pulled, but he is wanting to be in this position by his actions.
From what you have advised he is in my opinion, still in denial about his responsibilities in this affair. Whilst he has been involved or committed to going to the couselling, he is not being honest with you or the cousellors about his continued involvement with this women.
Whilst the cousellors have advised that there will be a 'moarning period' at the end of an affair for your husband, I would assume they are not aware that he is still in many respects with this women. How can he commit or be fully committed to saving your marriage and starting a new, whilst still continuing to contact or be contacted by this lady. That is not fair on you.
To continue couselling, which will be a must, needs to be on the basis that he is totally honest with whats still going on. Whether He needs to make some decisions. If he says he wants the marriage to work, that this was something he regrets deeply and never wants to happen again, he really honey, should be acting this way. I don't see it. He needs to show and have responsibility, he needs to be truly committed to restoring your marriage and he needs to want to do this not only for the children, you and his life, but he needs to firstly want to do this for himself. It needs in my opinion, if properly fixed, to be over between him and this lady.
Now, all the above aside. This is where you need to find strength for yourself. You cannot make him or her stay away from each other. They need to make that decision and have disregarded your stand on the matter. She is getting the lead from him and he is falling into something he is still happy to be involved with.
What do you want. Are you wanting to stay married to this man. Are you wanting to continue this marriage and get it back on tract?. If all of that is what you really want to do then you need to also act with this direction. You need to put your foot down.
Tell him to get his act together and work out what he wants. Once he has made that decision he can advise you and you will work out from there what you want to do. Tell him, if is prepared to continue to lie to you and see this other women, then you can only assume from those actions that he has no regret, that he wants out of this marriage.
He needs to start acting more like a man who is concerned that his marriage is in trouble.
Forget this other women. I know it is hard. But dismiss her from your thoughts and concerns. What ever happens with her child and her choices with her life is not your concern. Yours is your family. I am a beleiver that the type of women who happily gets involved and has a secret relationship with anyone, is pretty pitaful. She will have created a raft of problems with her choices in life so dismiss her from your thoughts.
It is him that made this choice for you. He decided that was able to, wanted to and it was something he was prepared to risk. Having and affair behind your back was, whilst hard to hear, acceptable to him. This is what you need to face and what you need to consider.
Marriages do survive after affairs, how successfully and long term the recovery is is up to the individuals involved. The whole process is long, hurtful and exhausting. You have a choice now. Your choice is if you wish to go down that journey in the hope you get things back on track. I do not consider that you are at any stage really but the very begininng of this process. The healing and work ahead is about what he was wanting to gain from this affair, why he got involved, and that is about him not her abilities to seduce. Why he suddenly changed is moral compass and when did he find it okay in his heart and mind to betray you. He seems to deflect any of this responsibility and your letting him.
You are 100% correct that his view on this women is flawed.
Possibly in his mind he is trying to NOT see her flaws or tactics as he is choosing not to. If he was to acknowledge any failings about her he has to admit that he is also flawed and perhaps not the sharpest knife in the draw. By insulting her you insult him. And he deserves it!
I would like you to consider really what this means to you now. This is the man you married - do you still want him???
It is not a competition with this other women. She will loose in many more ways than you.
All my love to you, I know how hard this is, but keep focus on what this is now all about for you. Who are you, how strong you are and what are you now wanting for your future.
xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): I'm not very good at this sort of advice but I just wanted you to know I read it all and I think you are the calmest woman I know and to me you seem a lot better than this home wrecker. But they are both in the wrong, and I don't know why he's saying he wants to mend your marriage when he won't give up contact.And it is very hard to read how much pain your in when she is obviously ravishing in ruining all your plans but I think that you deserve much better than your husband as there is no excuse to what he's done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): I don't know the answers to any of your questions about the other woman and making him see the light about her....because you can't make him feel anything about her the way you see it......If it were me and I was in your shoes if I loved him, I would pack his bags and tell him, not ask him to move out and I would expect him to earn his way back into my heart, my bed and my house.....This work is his to do first.....he cheated on you, he betrayed your trust, and you think that somehow it is your job to fix him, he is still cheating on your by going to her house and giving her a gift! Tell him to get the hell out....and not to come back until he is ready to be committed to your marriage vows......tell him you are willing to go to counseling with him, if he promises no more contact with her first, otherwise you are wasting space, air, daylight....etc.....We treat people how to treat us, don't lay down and be his doormat....you have the power here and it is financial.....use his pain against him, make him see what he is about to lose, and yes it is his whole life.....Good Luck
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