A
female
age
22-25,
Hollykb
writes:I have discovered that my husband has been flirting with other women - but would like advice on whether he's going too far. I have been with him for 5 years, married for 2. Last night he came come late and drunk, about 3am. He fell asleep mid text, for some reason I read the message - it was to a woman. I confronted him - and this is the scenario:He went to a pub lock in with a mate, his mate went off with a women, so he started talking to her friend. They flirted, he took her number. She suggested getting a hotel - he then got a local hotel number from 118 and phoned the hotel. Nothing else came of it. Once home, he called her mob twice and sent a message ' Hey Lady, wish I had stayed out with you.' He has now admitted he flirts reguarly when out, but nothing has ever happened - I'm very confused. Is he going too far?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I have been married for fourty years to a womaniser and a flirt. The first two years of our relationship was wonderful. But as soon as we were married the flirting started. At first I never realised what was going on. He started drinking, staying out late nights, twice never returned until morning. The third year of our marriage he started flirting with women in front of me. When he was 59 he started a relationship with an 18 year old girl that worked for him, and this carried on for ten years untill I stopped it. We both went for counselling and he promised he would never do such a thing again. But I lost all trust and respect for him. The flirting continued, staring at young girls' bodies have been going on for years. I try to speak to him about it, but he becomes arrogant and tells me that I imagine all this. My Mother died a year ago. The Priest phoned me at our home. Minutes after that we drove to a garage to collect a battery for my car. As we came around the building there was a young woman standing smoking (my husband works just accross from this garage), she is a very loos type of girl, and works in that office,
and he stopped the car and started flirting with her, it was awful. I just sat in that car and froze. I felt that he did not respect me and how I was hurting about my mother's death. The flirting carried on for at least 20 minutes. Now a year later, today, 12th October, I am so disturbed and really feel that I cannot carry on living with this man anymore. But I am an old lady now. I really need help because if things don't change (which I know they won't) I know I am just going to die from sadness and hurt.
A
male
reader, cmpbllkn +, writes (10 September 2007):
I am going through the same thing with MY WIFE at the moment, we have been married 16 years and she told me when i asked what she does when she is out, I cant remember i am drunk but i always get a kiss of the guys i dance with, she called me from a home address last week, at 5 in the morning saying she just woke in this stair can i come and get her it is an hours drive to this location so yep 2 hour round trip, since that day things have been getting worse there is no relationship there, she txts me from work with the usaul love you x, but she answers all her txts like that. I am not in the position to give any advise but i wish she would leave, She always shouts at the kids saying she cant handle them, she sleeps all day sat and most sun. she goes out with her mates most fridays after work where i tell my kids mum is working late, normally when i go to pick her up it is at a club in town where is takes me all of 10 - 15 mins to get there and back.
Yep it is heart wrenching and soul destroying. good luck with your choice.
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A
male
reader, rcn  + ♥, writes (10 September 2007):
 That behavior has gone way too far.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Too far?? It is a bit (just a bit) of an understatement, isn't it???
His behavior is not so much disrespectful (to you) as it is pathetic!!
I never understood why people would bother getting married in the first place & making a commitment, when they can't even grasp the very concept of commitment, nor basic mutual respect.
The truth, dear, is that your husband won't like you any better for putting up with it. He knows that his behavior is unacceptable, and yet that you are willing to put up with it.
From my (limited)experience, men always try harder when they are trying to impress someone! (And it is not just about the females they just met in a bar.. ) They want to impress in general!!
The problem with being too lenient / patient/ or weak even (no offense.. but you have to stand up for yourself..), is that your husband will assume that anything goes.. It is the best way to ruin your relationship!! The best way also to send your husband the message that he does not need to impress you, since you'll be around, no matter what..
Be demanding, be strong and always push your partner for the better!!
If that's the best he can do (i.e hooking up in bars and pretend it is no big deal), dump him!!
Do NOT feel sorry for not dropping your standards / expectations at his level!!
Ps: Non native speaker here!! Sorry in advance for the mistakes ;)))!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Too far?? It is a bit (just a bit) of an understatement, isn't it???
His behavior is not so much disrespectful (to you) as it is pathetic!!
I never understood why people would bother to get married in the first place, and make a commitment, when they can't even grasp the very concept of commitment, nor basic mutual respect.
The truth, dear, is that your husband won't like you any better for putting up with it. He knows that his behavior is unacceptable, and yet that you are willing to put up with it.
From my (limited)experience, men always try harder when they are trying to impress someone! (And it is not just about the females they just met in a bar.. ) They want to impress in general!!
The problem with being too lenient / patient/ or weak even (no offense.. but you have to stand up for yourself..), is that your husband will assume that anything goes.. It is the best way to ruin your relationship!! The best way also to send your husband the message that he does not need to impress you, since you'll be around, no matter what..
Be demanding, be strong and confident and always push your partner for the better!!
If that's the best he can do (i.e hooking up in bars and pretend it is no big deal), dump him!!
Do NOT feel sorry for not dropping your standards / expectations at his level!!
Ps: Non native speaker here!! Sorry in advance for the mistakes ;)))!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): He most likely has cheated on you already. I don't agree that you need to threaten him, I think you need to leave him. He married you, and he should either divorce you or be an honorable husband which he is not. I mean what a slob, texting some whore he met at a pub who wanted to get a hotel with him, and he passes out mid-text saying he wishes he'd of screwed her (basically). This makes me mad hearing what a discusting person he is and treating his wife this way. Darlin' you're young, you need to GET OUT while you're still young and have no kids with this loser drunk. Trust me, men like this do not change. I assume he's an alcoholic too if not yet, I assume he will be. Change and ending a marriage is HARD but what's even harder is having kids with an alcoholic scum bag who stays out til 3 a.m., cheats on his wife, lies to his wife and is no good to have around. Then when you have his kids, you'll be stuck! Give yourself a chance at happiness while you still can.
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A
female
reader, Hollykb +, writes (8 September 2007):
Hollykb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice and points of view. It is difficult when your in the middle of the situation to see things clearly so this has really helped me put things in perspective.I have some serious thinking to do over the next few days.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Get rid of him - let someone else put up with that behaviour. C'mon you KNOW you're better than that and that you will never trust him again anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I would not put up with that!He rung a hotel and considered spending the night with her,whilst he knew you were sat at home waiting for him.I wouldn't care if he was drunk or not he should be thinking about you,not some sleazy woman at the pub.
I would say to him either stop flirting or I'm out of here,because I'm not putting up with this.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Im sorry, but to me this sounds a bit like the type of man i had a bad relationship with. As far as im concerned he should be at home with you his wife, or you should be out with him. he is taking you for graunteed and doesnt realise it. Do you want to live the rest of youre life thinking he is out flirting with other women. You have no proof but i think you know yourself if he is admitting texting and flirting he cant have very good intentions for youre marriage. Just think is this how you expected married life to be? its a shame but true, its hard to trust anyone these days even when you thought he would be the last person in the world to hurt you, you do need to sit down and talk to him, this whole situation will get alot worse if you dont deal with it now (believe me). my advice would be to scare him and see how he reacts, by this i mean go to a friends or relatives for a few days and see what he does, dont answer his calls for at least 24hrs (if you do this, and dont contact him) he will come running. Then tell him how you feel about this situation and can you go to counselling, if he loves you he will go and if he has been unfaithful in the past and you want to forgive him, counselling will help. Dont ignore this problem, i feel for you honestly i do, im broken hearted myself due to infedilety, dont let it go that far. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): He got another woman's number?? Called a hotel?? Texting other women?? And he says "nothing" happened?? Of course he is going too far. He's married! He shouldn't be doing that.
None of what he is doing is innocent and I am sure he knows this. I know it is hard for you to believe and accept because this is a shock to you and because it is coming from someone that you love and trust. But what he is doing is WAY out of line. There is nothing normal or "right" about this, so don't try to convince yourself otherwise. And he is not going to change. I promise you. It is only going to get worse. And not because he could possibly get any worse (his behavior is DESPICABLE enough) but because you are going to find out MORE and MORE and MORE as time goes on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Talk to him and explain just how you feel. I would be pretty annoyed and not very happy. How many times has this happened which you don't kow about? I'm sorry but i wouldn't be around to find out. You deserve better. Why does he goes out so much with his friend? Can those nights not be spent going out with you? Let him have it and don't hang back - life is too short.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, Christalmighty +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Woman,he's cheating on you.And not even paying the honor of being discreet.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi Hollykb. Yes he is going way, way too far. Maybe has already gone too far. You can either put up with it ! You might want to give him a final chance to stop. You could start behaving the same as him. Or you could start planning divorce.
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A
female
reader, sharonbury +, writes (8 September 2007):
You have been married to this man for 5 years and he is treating you like this? Where is his respect for you? Approach him with this text you found and tell him if he trys anything like that again you will leave him, alternatively play him at his own game see how he likes it.
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A
female
reader, Skeez + ♥, writes (8 September 2007):
 Yes...I think he is going to far. He isnt respcting you as a wife or your lover. Hes flirtin with other woman and taking there numbers. Also phoning up a hotel for the two of them to stay at. I think that is very far enough. Im sorry to say that he sounds like a player. But you dont deserve this at all. Hes going to make you feel concsious, insecure and jealous and they will affect your later relationships. I have been in a situation where my boyfriend kissed a lot of guys at the same time infront of me, so naturally I feel those aspects right now and have done so for more than 9 months.
Set some ground rules. If he doesnt follow them, then kick him out becuase he really doesnt deserve what your giving to him. He deserves to play his silly games and ruin his chances of ever finding a perfect relationship. If he does fllow them, make him swear to them. Instead of telling him to stop flirting all together. Tll him you can flirt casually but no touching. Compromise with him, but if he doesnt follow this either. then kick him out seriously. I think you would be much better off. I know it will be hard at first to not have him around but you will realise one day that you did the rigth thing
goodluck hun
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A
female
reader, bday121 + ♥, writes (8 September 2007):
 He's definitely going too far. I don't doubt that he's already cheated on you. Sorry, but this man isn't trustworthy. If I were you I'd be furious.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten + ♥, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi
Er yes. I wouldnt be sticking with him. Its only a matter of time before he takes it further. How do you know he hasnt already.
Probably booze fuelled but what use is that.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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