A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a 39 year old man (I am 42). There are a number of things that have not been right since we got together 18 months ago but I am struggling to make a decision as to whether or not to move on as I am not happy.The first issue is he lives over an hour away and cannot drive. Train journeys take a long time and are not the most practical. Therefore it is always up to me to drive to him. Unless I do this I feel isolated. He is in debt and I have had to pay for bills of his totalling £1500 because he had bailiffs letters and I did not want to see him go under. I spent time helping him look at his finances and although he is doing quite well the amount of debt he is in means he is going to have no money spare for evenings out / weekends away / holidays for at least another two years. As a result of this if I want to enjoy myself (within the relationship) I have to pay for us both to go out. At the start of the relationship I did this but as time has gone on I have felt like a mug so stopped. Niggling away at me is a sense that perhaps he takes my healthy financial situation for granted and, at times, has taken advantage of it.He has had a porn habit - specifically looking at women who are very flexible like Russian gymnasts or fitness professionals. He has tried to push me when we have had sex into 'stretching' until I told him it upset me so stopped. He also seems to have a bad habit of ogling blonde women when we are out. For example when I paid for us to eat a meal out he kept looking at every blonde woman that went past the table. I called him on it as I thought it was rude.. but had no apology. He acts like its my problem and just goes quiet and says nothing. Unfortunately this has a bad effect on my sense of worth because although my hair is naturally blonde it goes very dark in the winter months due to a lack of sun. He makes a comment like "well you won't dye you hair so...". This hurts.Although he says I am beautiful I cannot believe him any more because I don't feel it. I feel not good enough. Words are easy - especially on the text. He plays rugby every Saturday and I have always encouraged him because I think it is good to keep fit and have a team sport. The problem is that Friday arrives and he does not make any suggestions about the weekend - no plans or ideas.Last weekend for example although we agreed not to meet up he did not call me all weekend until Sunday evening. This lack of thinking (caring?) happened over Xmas too. Having been through a divorce 3 years ago I am now wanting to find a relationship that offers as much as I put in and I want to have fun and enjoy life. I do really care about this guy and because he can also be very loving and caring, listening to me and talking I fear losing him.. but my heart is heavy with the feeling that really it is / should be over. So much happens to undermine it. What should I do?
View related questions:
debt, divorce, money, move on, porn, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Geta  +, writes (20 January 2014):
Although you may be bothered with his porn habit or fling for blonds what is more troubling, speaking here as a man, is that at 39 he has no clue how to be financially independent let alone make any money. Equally troubling is that, in this day and age, he does not drive. That man is not equipped to live a modern life.Inability to show you affection is another problem - at that age people realize that there is reciprocity in a relationship and the best way to get it is if you are an unselfish giver, and he appears, unlike you, to have no clue what that is. You may want to have a thorough conversation with him about these issues because there maybe some issue that is making him so clumsy and inadequate. However if he is so and sees no problems with it I would move on because at your age time for a relationship is precious.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): The only thing that is stopping you from kicking that bum out; is the fear of being alone, and getting back into the dating scene over 40.
Having any man, IS NOT better than having no man at all. Being single does not mean being alone.
It means being independent, and getting re-acquainted with yourself. Regaining your identity as a whole person. Not being the better-half of a failing lop-sided relationship.
You need time for some self-repair, and to breath some fresh air.
You need to feel the relief, like that good feeling after you take off a tight and uncomfortable pair of heels!
I can see you smiling, you can relate to that analogy! :)
Get a grip, girlfriend! Stop playing sugar-mama!
If you can sit down and write a list of all the things that makes that bloke such a loser; why is getting rid of him only an idea under minor consideration? It should be your mission to clean house, and move on. The grass is greener on the other side. Just take a look!
You have been generous, considerate, supportive, and strong.
You have propped this guy up, and allowed him to take advantage of you. The worst part of all this, is that you are completely aware of it. Yet you allow it to hold you back, and delay any action to move your life forward.
You've played caregiver and nursemaid long enough. I know you feel sorry for him; and you worry how he'll fare, if you're not there to take care of him. He is 39, not 9!
Women over forty are very hesitant, when it comes to ridding themselves of boyfriends and husbands that are losers.
In their minds, they perceive these men as helpless as children. You are even offended that I referred to him as a loser. Then go back and read your post.
Don't you dare send me some lame excuse, or try to clean it up!!! OP's run back and rewrite a bunch of extra comments to clean up their original comments. You wrote them from the heart. We know he isn't a lazy low-down dirty monster. We're reading between the lines, and feeling the true emotion felt behind the words. In short, I get it.
See things for what they are, you have a decision to
make. Don't paint rosy pictures. The first print tells it like it really is. After-thoughts keep you in limbo. So let's go with the original draft.
Care-giving women will put their men first. Themselves, last!
Their nurturing instincts kick in, and it's hard to resist such a strong compulsion. I too have a caregiver instinct that is very strong. I inherited that way from my own mother. This trait can make you neglectful of your own needs. While you give your relationships everything you've got. Believe me, you'll find yourself giving...and giving, and giving! His plate is full, and yours is empty!
You have no obligation to raise a man-child; as the best of your years slide away. Then you'll be looking back with regret at all the years you've wasted.
Your poor mum and friends are shaking their heads in disgust and dismay. Your mother thinking, "I know she's smarter than that!" While your girlfriends whisper behind your back: "She's taking care of him? She can do so much better!!!"
Please stop telling yourself how much you love him; when the love isn't being reciprocated in the ways and amounts you deserve. You're just clinging to him; because he's a bad habit, good in bed,and it's hard to quit. An empty bed and quiet house isn't really all that bad. You will sleep better once the burden is off your shoulders. Trust me.
He will survive. He'll fall on his ass, but he'll be forced to fend for himself like a man should. You have to be both the man and woman in your relationship. You may as well be single. You can do bad all by yourself. You don't need his help to do that. Buy a sex toy. It'll tide you over.
Get some relief. Shed some of that dead-weight. Cut the cord and let the baby-man grow up, and allow yourself to do some growing as well. He takes so much for granted. That's your fault! Not his.
Send him packing. Go buy several boxes of tissues, and a huge box of Lady Godiva chocolates! You'll need the endorphins from the chocolate; while you go through love- withdrawal. Don't get chubby, keep up the body! Don't let grief from separation turn you into a mess. Save some of that care-giver instinct for taking care of yourself!
Good luck, my dear! Don't let fear hold you back!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 January 2014):
 I think you JUST need to end it. There are so many reasons as to why.
But the biggest one? You are settling for a man who isn't as much into you as you are into him. You don't want to be alone so you think this guy is all you deserve.
18 months and YOU are taking care financially of him? 1500 Pounds a month? IMAGINE what you could have done with that 27,000 ? (if you have paid 1500 for 18 months that is what it amounts too) then ADD ALL the meals, trips, gas? You have paid as well? He is not a BF he is a PAID companion!~
YOU have to BELIEVE you deserve better then that. I get it that he is a nice guy, but you are starting to resent paying for everything + his expenses. YOU are not freaking responsible for his bills or finances!
Call him and end it. Take some time off to figure out what kind of man you want and then go for it. Don't date someone your age who can't take care of himself, then you WILL end up in this "mother role" again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 January 2014):
 You write: "...I am struggling to make a decision as to whether or not to move on as I am not happy.".... then go on with a lengthy tome which delineates this peculiar "relationship" that you've taken up....
WHY is there any struggle? There's nothing in that "relationship" for YOU!!!! Just call or send him a note that sez:
"Dear (his name here), It's over. Have a good remainder-of-your-life. Good bye, (your name here)."
... and forget him.
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, lu45 +, writes (20 January 2014):
I don't think this sounds like a sustainable relationshipYou have been through a relatively recent divorce, you are emotionally vulnerable. He is providing some emotional relief by listening and some love and care when it suits him. You are having to seek it. Otherwise you are isolated.If the roles were reversed, how do you think he would behave? Would he be coming to you? Would he help you out financially? I assume you know why a 39 year old man is not driving...has he been banned...in which case he is irresponsible with driving as well as financially. Did he never learn to drive....thus causing him to be dependant on others for driving as well as finacially!when I needed more money..I took an extra job. I didnt treat myself to a luxury sporting hobby at the weekend and borrowing money. I worked full time and did some extra hours at weekends.Lets make it easy:Non driver - either irresponsible or dependant or bothNo money - either irresposible and dependant or bothLooking at other woman - disrespctful and utterly cluelessThis relationship is bad for you. He lifts you just enough to keep you providing for him,our but lets you drop and question your self worth.He is not worth it. You can do better, find a sustainable reliable relationship with someone who meets you minimally half way.Remember how lovely you really know that you are xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 January 2014):
 You are being his meal ticket, and you know it. Doesn't seem to be much in this relationship for you so I think it's time to move on. You'll find the guy who can give as well as take. Good luck, you'll be fine.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): Paying his debts, driving out to see him, you organising and paying for most of the outings... He's taking you for a mug.He doesn't have to be rich, but he has to make an effort. That means occasionally taking the train to see you. That means occasionally initiating activities; whether it's a picnic, a nice home made dinner prepared by him, an erotic massage occasionally, going hiking / to the beach / park / museum. Going to his friends' house to just hang out with them etc.Love does not have to be expensive.But he's not making an effort. You are literally propping this relationship on your own. You have your life sorted and you know what sort of relationship you want. Follow your gut and let it fizzle. There has to be better. And there's no long term prospects with this guy with the way he's been acting...
...............................
|
