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My girlfriend won't let me touch her. What do I do?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 5 August 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *onfusedGuy313 writes:

Hi there.

I'm looking for some guidance.

I've been seeing a girl for a couple of months now and she barely touches me.

I think I should maybe point out I am a very affectionate guy. I know I have a very high sex drive. My previous relationships have always involved a lot of sex. But I also like to cuddle a lot and kiss. Hold hands. But she just doesn't seem to be into that.

We've tried talking about it and it's causing friction. I've tried to compromise. I like to have sex at least 2 or 3 times a day. My compromise is I'm lucky if I'm getting it once a week.

But even if I tried to cuddle into her at night she just turns away.

The thing is already I've caught her texting other guys. This morning I caught her looking at photos of a guy in his underwear. She's told me story's about her past where she's actually done some really naughty things but she just doesn't seem to want to do anything to me.

I've tried to talk to her but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I'm always complimenting her. Telling her how beautiful she is. I had flowers sent to her work. I take her for meals. I actually really, really like her. But I just get nothing back.

I actually get all the excuses. I'm tired. I've got a headache. I've got to do this.

For me this is the honeymoon period. We shouldn't be able to keep our hands off of one another.

She's a great girl, but I'm wondering if I should just accept it's not going to work.

Can anyone make any suggestions?

View related questions: flowers, her past, period, sex drive, text, underwear

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2016):

She could be worried that all you want from her is sex. If you only touch her when you want it to lead to sex then it could be turning her off. And when you talk to her about being more sexual it could come off as if you are pressuring her for sex. This is a big turn-off for women. We want to know that a man like this for just more than our bodies. You say that you really like her but you also have to show it. Try doing activities where you do not mention sex at all or not try to seduce her into having sex for a little while to see if her attitude changes. If you do this you will start feeling more comfortable and confident in your emotional commitment to her. And she will feel more open to trying naughty things with you.

You must make sure that you are pleasing her in the bedroom and asking her what she likes and dislikes because it could be something you're doing during sex that is turning her off but that is just a thought.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2016):

Put aside the part about 2-3 times per day versus once a week for a minute.

The part about "she used to do some naughty things but won't do them with me" is a giant red flag IMO.

This sounds like a woman with a good-girl-bad-girl view of sex. If so, that means you're screwed. The nice guy ALWAYS finishes last with this type of woman and it's directly because he is nice to her.

Ask her about the guys that she was doing that naughty stuff with. Ten bucks says they were all either assholes, people who didn't respect her, or flings she barely knew at the time. That won't be a coincidence.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntPS. I'm one of those 2-3 times a day people. I know exactly how hard it can be to find someone with an equal sex drive, but I have found them in the past, and I am sure I will find them again. So I am sure you will too. If not 2-3 times a day, then at least once a day or every other day is fully possible to find. You notice this right away with people, if they are highly sexual or not. You don't need to wait 6 months into a relationship to figure that out, it will reveal itself in the first two weeks.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think you two are sexually compatible.

Now I don't know how long you have know/dated her - a couple of months can be 1-3 so maybe she isn't comfortable with you YET or she has a MUCH lower libido than you.

However, her texting other guys? So you two aren't exclusive?

Seems like you should move on. She isn't going to all of a sudden be all over you if she isn't by now.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntYou need to end this relationship. This is not at all about her not wanting you, or wanting other guys, or not being affectionate etc etc etc. This is about her NOT WANTING SEX. Period. She's one of those people with a LOW SEX DRIVE. Those kinds of people do NOT match well with people with a high sex drive.

You know your sex drive is high. You wrote so! Talking about it to her will not change a bloody thing, she can't force her body to want sex more. It's hormones, it's the body craving it, it's not mental. She can't will herself to want it. She's a non-sexual person, or one with a low sex drive. Or, she's just not interested in you, that could also be it, but most likely she just isn't that interested in sex!

You will never be satisfied. End this before you drive yourself nuts. Never mind the fact that she is already checking out other guys... She isn't a good match for you, simple as that. There is no happy ending in sight here (pun intended).

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (31 July 2016):

I'm taking it that you two are already sexually active as you talk about "cuddling at night" so it's not a case of her wanting to "take it slow" as some of the other posters imply.

You've only been dating a few months and, although this is the honeymoon period, it's also the time that people are discovering or not whether they are truly compatible.

And it seems that you two aren't compatible in this respect. You have a high sex drive and she doesn't (at least with you). You like to be physically demonstrative with your affection and she doesn't.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2016):

This is mostly a bunch of questions first, ones that will help us help you. Also, they may give YOU insight:

How long is a few months? Three? Six? How is she about sex? Does she do it grudgingly or does she seem into it? Does she initiate anything? How did these conversations go about naughty things, did she bring it up or did you? Who initiates the overnights? What are the dates like? What do you spend most of your time doing? Who persued whom? How did you meet and where? How did she react when you sent her flowers? How much time do you spend together?

My guess is that a) she sees you as a friend and a listening ear but doesn't what it to go past that but is trying to "hint" by not getting physical b) she enjoys the dates and attention but doesn't want to consider you exclusivee - she may be thinking youre at the "just dating" sttage and is seeing more than one person c) she may be all talk (about past sex), but no action - she enjoys being perused and wanted but not gotten. It could be one of those, none of those, or a combination. Maybe she sees mistakes in the past as maybe she moved too fast.

Really it sounds like she wants to take it slow. Maybe all the time, affection, flowers and attention is too much for her. When I first start seeing a guy, my sex drive may be high, but I don't want sex until I'm exclusive. I want to be free to talk, flirt, whatever with whomever I want. If flowers come to work, I get phone calls when were away, or he shows up to surprise me randomly, I'm annoyed! That's because it seems like I'm "his" and it says (without saying) to everyone else, "back it off, she's taken".

I would take her on a low-key, public date like a park or museum and ask her non accusatory questions such as

" Barbara, we've been hanging out for several months and I consider you my girlfriend. Problem is, we've basically JUST been hanging out. It's fine to have friends, but if you're talking to them like you do me, I feel like we're either just friends or else you're dating us both. If that's the case, I need to know"

Sounds like you're not on the same page though. Like I said, she may be seeing several guys at once until she decides who she wants to be exclusive with since its only been a couple months. However, if that's the case, she should TELL you that. If she's not wanting sex, why spend the night? Maybe in the past when she had sex early on, it was ONLY about sex or mostly about sex. Maybe she wants to make sure that's not the case.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntId ask her as Andie says but be prepared for an answer you wont like. Andie is right that 2-3 times may be too much for many but I dont think thats the issue here because there is disjuncture between her past practice and her current practice if she was looking at a guy in his underwear and how she treats you. Ive got a feeling she may just not see you in that way - indeed, that she may see you as meeting her emotional needs but is looking elsewhere for her physical ones to be met.

Talk to her and see what she says is all you can do really. Good luck.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 July 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony aunt2 - 3 times a day would be way too much for 99% of people; once or twice a week is more common, so I hope you're okay with that.

She may not be ready yet - some people like to wait a while before getting intimate.

Ask her gently why and see what she says. Don't do it when you're trying to initiate anything.

If it looks like it'll stay this way for a while, maybe you're just incompatible.

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