A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what to do. I have been with my girlfriend for the last 5 years, but I cant trust her. I am 25 and she is 24. She has told me that she has had two boyfriends before me who she had sex with, but I have heard that she has had more. I think she has had above 10. Everytime I ask her ,she says the same, that she has only been with 2.I, on the other hand, have only been with one. Now I feel like I need to live my life life. I feel that I have to be with more women. Everytime I talk to her, I ask her the same question, I f she has met someone, who she has been with earlier. I never believe her. She has promised me that she has only been with 2 guys, but I cant believe her. I feel that she is a slut. I dont know what to do. I cant bee with her bacause of this. She cries all the, begging me to trust her. Even when she says that she is at home, school, or whereever, I cant trust her on anything she says.I gave her an ulitimatum, that she confesses or that I will leave. She sried and cried saying that she has only been with 2, but I cant believe her. I told her that the reason for all these problems is her and what she has done. Was this rigth?Please let me know if I did the right thing.And for all the guys out there, whould you feel the same as what I do? I feel disgustet for being with her, but she really loves me and wants to be with me.Thank you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (9 November 2011):
 No, you haven't done the right thing.
Cause for all the problems is her and what she has done? What is it she has done exactly? What has she done TO YOU??
Why are you punishing her like this? All she has done is love you, and yet you feel the need to berate her, call her a slut and whatever else you may find appropriate.
You're treating her like crap because of some stuff you heard from other people? You're going to believe rumours like they're truth?
She has told you herself what her number is. And what importance is a number anyway? You have been with her for 5 years. Why is this issue only arising NOW? This kind of thing is usually something you discuss early on, if at all.
Why would you take 5 years of your life just to throw it away over stupid rumours?
I don't know why you'd do that but save her any more emotional abuse/pain and leave her now. She will find someone who will value her and love her the way she deserves, and not waste her time on some jerk who won't listen to a word she says.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): YOu did not and are NOT doing the RIGHT thing. Your insecurity is so overwhelming it makes you act like a crazy, unloving, unkind, jealous, out for blood, she can do no good no matter the truth because you WANT to abuse her and persecute her because really, thats what abuse is.
Seek counselling. With it you will heal from whatever ails you; you will gain maturity and perspective, and with it, make healthy choices and have healthy, adult relationships.
Time to leave her alone and let her find some TRUE, LASTING LOVE & HAPPINESS like any good, beautiful, Loving, honest woman deserves.
Peace Out!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 No I'm sorry you are NOT right.
You are very very wrong.
You are
1. basing your choice on what OTHERS have said, not the woman you supposedly love.
2. not trusting her based on what you were told NOT what you know.
3. wanting to "get even" is not right... life is not about checks and balanaces.
IF you do not TRUST her do her a favor and leave her... let her find someone that loves and trusts her and won't emotionally abuse her.
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 November 2011):
 This guy has a similar problem. I think the advice given on that question can help you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-had-sex-before-we-met-now-i.html
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (7 November 2011):
Oh, sweetie, you have so much to learn about women! If you feel like you need to live and experience a few more before you settle down, you need to do the manly thing and let this girl go before you hurt her any more than you already have.
A few more notches on your belt and a bit more living should give you some experience and hopefully in this time you will mature enough to truly understand that a relationship is about more than what you think, it is about more than the number of sexual partners and boyfriends a girl has had before you, it is about more than just you and your feelings. A relationship is between two people who share, confide, and trust in one another.
Currently, you don't have a real relationship. You have a girl who for some reason is inexplicably completely devoted to you despite your anger issues, your enjoyment of making her suffer and cry, your inability to trust her, and the fact that you feel you deserve other women simply because she had more men before she met you. She deserves better.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 It's NOT a contest and you don't have to match her score, even if it IS true that she has had more than 10 encounters.
What does it matter?
You either love her or you don't. With your attitude, you will soon drive her away and it will be your loss.
Grow up and get real; focus on the things that really matter in a relationship: trust, love, compatibility - the list goes on, but it should not include jealousy, mistrust or sexual competitiveness.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Why would you have to be with more women? Explain why. And use reason.
And why would you believe someone else, and not your girlfriend? Do you not trust her, do you not believe in her? Why? Is she deceitful, does she lie to you often? Why do you value the opinion of others more than hers? Who is more important to you, these other people, or her? Chose where your loyalty is, to them, or to her. And then question if these other people are reliable, and someone you should trust.
I think you are wrong to blame your problems on her. You are the one who can not trust. Not her. It is you who have the problem, not her. You are the problem, not her.
But if you do not love her, respect her, trust her, or treat her right, and are disgusted with her, then you are doing the right thing by leaving her. I hope she will also come to see that even if she loves you, you can never make her happy. She needs to move on, and she will move on as well. Don't worry about her, she will get over you in time. You did the right thing by leaving so that you have a chance to find happiness with someone, and she gets a chance to be happy as well. Neither of you were happy when together.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 November 2011):
 What is your evidence that she's lying about this other than gossip? Also if she was going to lie to you, don't you think she'd stick to saying she was a virgin?
Given the way you're reacting I think you should just dump her. You're emotionally torturing her over your own insecurities and it's not fair to her when as far as anyone knows, she's done nothing wrong.
She can't go back and change what's happened in the past. She can only change her present and future. If she is lying, emotionally beating the crap out of her isn't going to make her open up. You're torturing her for something that isn't even real. You don't know she's lying, you assume based on your own want to sleep with other women that she must have slept with the entire country. You either need to stop torturing her or leave. Either way she's done nothing wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2011):
 Wow, poor girl.
If you don't trust her with this I doubt you trust her in any aspects. I think you are being disrespectful and are projecting your WANT to sleep with more women onto her, like you have to sleep with as many people as you "think" she might could have slept with. JUVINILE. And giving her an ultimatum? Wow, I hope she dumps your bum.
Why are you with her is you have no trust for her what so ever?
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Trust is essential to any relationship. Without it, the relationship cannot prosper and the two of you cannot be happy.
You say you've "heard" that she has had sex with as many as 10 men. Where and how did you hear that? From people who know her well? How reliable do you think the source of these rumors is?
If you have talked to her about this, and asked (NOT accused!!) what really happened, and you are not satisfied with her response, the only thing you can do is to end it.
She'll be hurt and upset, yes, but basically if you can't accept that she might have had numerous sexual encounters before meeting you, it's your only option. Just remember that what was done in the past, can't now be changed: we can't go back and undo what we did a few years ago, or even a few hours ago. The choice is to forgive her and move on, either together or separately.
...............................
A
male
reader, arch16 +, writes (7 November 2011):
Well you should always believe your girl until u have concrete proof she is lying it goes back to the old saying your inacemt till proven guilty
...............................
|
