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My girlfriend lied about her sexual past. How do I trust her?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2018)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have been dating this girl for four years now and have asked about past relationships with guys in the beginning of our relationship . She had told me that she slept with three guys, two boyfriends and a friend, when telling me about her relationships with them it was that she never seen there privates and never touched anything below the waist, I had my doubts about that and told her that, she insisted it was the truth. Now I did not have much of a sexual knowledge with girls as in intercourse in the beginning before us dating, I would every now and then ask about the past she would change a little of it every time. well I ran into one of her ex boyfriends and asked him how was there sexual past, WOW!! it totally blew my mind about what they had done together, told her that I meet her ex and heard a few things that she said never happened. She is the one that gets pissed and says (I never said I was a saint). Now my question is I believed in her and I get a bomb dropped on me and she is the one pissed. I have never lied to her about my past (NEVER WAS MUCH OF A PAST) but she lies to me, how can I ever trust her again or really love someone that cant have a honest relationship with me, am I being unfair to be the one that's pissed ? p.s. she was not shy with him, but acted all shy with me, lol Your opinions please

View related questions: her ex, sexual past, she lies, shy

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy would you ask her about her past sexual life? That is none of your business! It might be okay to go in to how many partners they have had ect, but the details really is none of your business and I really don't understand why you would want to know!

Again why would you keep asking her? Gosh that is very strange!

You asked her ex about there sex life? Good lord who on earth does that!! Have you no respect for your girlfriend at all? Did you not stop to think how it would make her feel invading her privacy? Why do you care so much about her past? It is almost like you are obsessed!

Funny how you believed her ex straight away and not your own girlfriend! You know some young guys tend to exaggerate things! She had evey right to be pissed, I would have dumped you there and then for embarrassing me like that! Her past is her business and it is up to her how much off the details she shares with you! She doesn't need to tell you everything!!

Yes you are being unfair and expecting way to much! This should not impact your relationship or your love for her, and if you feel that it does then you are still stuck in a teenage boys mind and you are not ready to be in a committed adult relationship! You need to grow up and fast!

How on earth do you know she was not shy with him? Why believe every word he says? Gosh you really are niave! I hope your girlfriend soon realizes that the way you are treating her is not good and not acceptable!

Looking at your update you say you have no problem with what she done it is a trust issue! If you had no problem with her past why on earth would you keep asking her about it and then asking her ex? I actually am still in disblief that you went that far!!

You are the one making a fool out off yourself here. Are you really suggesting she is a slut because she had three partners? Grow up! You don't deserve to have a woman in your life! You cannot treat people like that and ask personal questions about then behind there back! You need to respect women!!

Her love for you has nothing to do with her past or why she lied about it! You said it was in the beginning so maybe she was not comfortable sharing it with you, and well by your own admittance you kept asking her so she probably gave in and told you a white lie so you would stop harrassing her about it!

Tip for future relationships, it is none of your business what there past was like, never disrespect a girl by going to her ex and asking such personal childish questions. Also learn to be a gentleman and not call any woman a slut!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

One Bud to another, I would not trust the guy. You have to have the back round of the break-up. If it was a bad one and she left and he did not her to go, he ma say anything to get back to her. If you asked me, I would have declined to answer and make something u to get away. People ask me all the time why I am not with my X. She is a looker. I tell them that all was good for was that she swallowed. That pretty summed it up and they left. But no one went chasing her down.

Don't believe the X.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

You are totally insane. What right do you think you have to ask your gf and her ex about their sexual relationship? That is a disgusting thing to do and honestly, abusive. Now you are punishing her for a question YOU asked her but felt she wasn't honest so took the opportunity once you bumped into the ex.

Her sexual history is none of your damn business. She was an idiot for telling you but nonetheless, she does not deserve your treatment. You will drill down her self esteem if you keep making a fool of her. Taking the word of an ex over your gf's is just astonishing.

Leave this poor girl alone. She deserve a man who will respect her no matter what and always have her back.

You have insecurities that now you are projecting onto this poor girl.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018):

You ran into her ex and asked about her sexual relationship with the guy? Are you serious? Wow, it’s so embarrassing! Not sure how she is still letting you be in her life after doing such a stupid childish thing to her.

Her past is non of your business. Find another way to deal with your own insecurities or do a favor to her and let her go.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYour girlfriend DIDN'T make a fool of you. YOU are the one who made a fool of YOURSELF. Amazing that you didn't believe your girlfriend but believed every word an ex told you. Given young men's tendency to brag about sexual "conquests", how much of what he told you do you think was true and how much embellished?

Your girlfriend probably knew (or at least, guessed) that you were not sexually experienced and was trying to protect your stupid manly pride by playing down her own experience so that YOU wouldn't feel inadequate.

Your question should not be how can YOU love HER, but how can SHE ever love YOU? If she was the one writing in, I would be advising her to dump you as fast as she can and get away from you.

Your behaviour was OUT OF ORDER! I wonder how SHE will ever trust YOU again.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018):

You sad little boy! Its three people.

Ok first off you start by saying she says three people, but you go on to say she THEN said she's never done anything. But then go back to shes done stuff.

Your not ready for a relationship. Please take some time grow up. Then start dating.

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A male reader, wiseoldman United Kingdom +, writes (12 August 2018):

Grow up. Just grow up, let her go, don't ask any future partners something that's genuinely none of your business, and learn to be a decent human being.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2018):

N91 agony auntI always find this such a BIZARRE topic of conversation between partners. Why the hell would you want to know who your current love interest has screwed and how many? What good could come of that situaton?

She lied because she didn’t was to cause a fuss and a commotion. If she had a slightly wild past would you like her to say ‘I’ve slept with roughly 100 people and regularly took part in orgies with my partner’? Or a more reserved ‘hmmm two or three people’? I don’t think you’d want to hear that just as much as she wouldn’t.

My girlfriend asked who I lost my virginity to, I told her that I wouldn’t discuss anything like that and she can ask me all she wants and she will never get an answer. It’s opening a great big can of worms like it has here.

Let this be a lesson to not discuss topics that can hurt each others perceptions and cause arguments. Whilst she could of refused to answer rather than lying, I think you both need to drop the subject if you want this relationship to last.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

You're acting like a boy. If you want to be in a relationship; you'll have to man-up. Look how you're behaving! I guess she held-back anticipating you couldn't handle the fact she's not a pure little virgin.

Well, if you really don't trust her; rather than let her see you behaving like a child, it's better you break-up.

She lied, because guys usually judge females on a double-standard. She told you as much as she felt you could handle; but really you shouldn't have gone there if you're not mature enough to handle the fact that a girl might be more sexually-experienced than you are.

If you're not man enough to handle this situation; better you end it, and let her go. You had no business asking other guys about her. Especially if you're not grown-up enough to handle what you hear.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2018):

I have no problems of what she did before me, its only a trust problem,I don't like to be made a fool! as a girl does not want to be as a slut!. I gave the truth! is that bad for a guy or anyone to give?!! What is begin loyal to anyone when it starts with a lie? all I wanted was the truth as I have gave her?. I think if a person really loves someone, why destroy what they give to them!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2018):

I really wish she wrote in instead of you.If she would have I would have told her to dump you asap!Do you want to know what you did wrong?Just take a guess.The past does not matter only the future does as life is a learning experience.You asked her ex about their past.Did it ever occur to you he could be lying? No you just keep looking for wrong in people and judge them on their past actions or on the word of a spurned love.Break up with her as she deserves someone who she can trust.Someone who loves her for who she is in the now.Someone who believes her not her ex.Use this as a learning experience.learn from it what not to do.Do better next time you blew it this time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think trust goes both ways. I don't think you had ANY right to ask her ex about their sex-life or intimate details. Those are really NONE of your business.

And... you really have no clue how much of what the guy told you were the actual truth and what was bragging.

As for her being shy with you where she might not have been with an ex.. well, maybe she LIKES you more or KNEW that you would JUDGE her more that that made her hold back. She wanted to BE the kind of girl YOU wanted her to be. She tried to be "perfect" for you. Which is stupid and ends up being fake. But again, many girls will be or act shy because they don't want to be called a slut or judged.

I don't CONDONE her lying either. AT ALL. It's shitty and shady. She COULD and DEFINITELY (with you) should have REFUSED to go into details instead of inventing false ones.

I think you BOTH can learn from this. Have a sit down and talk trust and boundaries. You need to have some ACTUAL respect for a partner, that means you DO NOT go around digging around in her past like some kind of trash-panda. It's NONE of your business how she ACTED with an ex, WHAT she did sexually with an ex. ABSOLUTELY none of your business. And she needs to NOT lie, if she doesn't want to SHARE (and she probably won't in the future after this shit-storm drama over.. nothing) then she needs to NOT share.

You two have a lot of growing up to do.

If you think you can not "trust" her anymore (not that you did before knowing the dirty details) then end it and move on.

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