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Do females feel it is important to work when married?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Do you females feel like it’s important to work when married? My gf has only managed part time job, and few years later we are low on money and still not living together. She lost the job and now found another part because no one will accept her full time.

I am financially struggling to enjoy life. As a result of her not having money , I have stopped spending on myself. I will provide for her and that’s it. We have argued a lot because last month on my birthday we couldn’t do anything because she doesn’t have money.

It was my first birthday for first time I didn’t spent minimum £500. Usually we go away holiday. Every year without fail. Romantic breaks away. I stopped because I had to change jobs and jus have to hold onto money as security. She is not a gold digger. But she doesn’t have anything to provide.

I am kind of man who doesn’t expect money but I’m finding myself in a predicament. I haven’t been anywhere, I hide outings from her. And now I have declined holidays with friends.

She doesn’t see the big deal. Which makes it worse as I need some where to jus have time off. I guess I’m tired of hard work, I wish I could work in Asda and have a easy job, rather than work long hours in the city so I can provide for future .

So my question is how do you guys do it at home? Share? Particularly interested in young ladies who aren’t able to provide.

My gf says she feels sorry that we couldn’t celebrate my bday, that’s fine, but she kept saying it making my mood extremely foul. As approaching 30 I feel like we should be making the most out of these last few years of youth before we married have kids and other commitments.

As a result I become a dead fish, no emotions, quiet at work, not interested in friends (they couldn’t care less anyway) and a gf that blames me for not supporting her (mentally). - how can I support a person mentally who does not listen.

Thanks guys

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 August 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Females generally feel it's important to work when married, also because they do not have the option to feel differently. It takes two incomes to live decently, not in the lap of luxury, but above poverty levels. At least in my country- and , as far as I can see, in yours too ( I just come back from UK ). Some of us, or most of us, also appreciate the independence or the mental stimulation or the status or whatever, but , basically, women have got to work if they want something out life more than basic survival. Travelling, or decorating the house, or playing sports, or keeping pets, or having a second or third child… whatever.

Why, a frigging cappuccino and croissant is 6 pounds in London in a modest cafe', if you have breakfast out every day at the local greasy spoon, i.e. a little indulgence but not the kind of thing that is reserved to Ivana Trump or Anna Wintour and the like, - you'll spend £ 200 /300 monthly just for that; then you need a double income , whether you feel it's important or not. Of course there are also women everywhere who marry very wealthy men and technically do not have to work unless they so desire, but, in any country, they are a minority and not the general rule.

I am saying this because you make it sound as if your gf refuses to work on principle, and wants to take advantage of you- while, at the same time, confirming she is not a gold digger. And she is not- she is just under-employed. She has not found YET a full time job ( and thank God that at least she's got two part time ones ! ). Are you suprised ? Unemployement is high, competition is fierce, entry level pay a pittance, - and unluckily your gf di not finish school and has no specific qualifications, she is an unskilled worker. Well, what do you expect her to do, get herself pronto a nice job as a neurosurgeon so that she can easily found your 500£ birthdays ? I guess she would if she could.

Life is hard, getting by is hard, and your gf is in the same situation, I suppose, as many people who have recently lost a full time job and have trouble replacing it. It's not her choice ; it's not as if she wanted to be broke. It takes time and a dogged persistence to find employement, and , unless you accuse her of being lazy, not proactive, nor applying for jobs on purpose etc., all you and she can do is to keep trying , insisting and being optimistic. Believe that this IS a temporary situation and when you reach bottom the only way is up. Another thing she probably should do is , try to get herself more marketable skills- learn something that is currently in demand on the job market, expand her range of competences. But I realize that it's easier said than done, because classes and courses have a cost not only in terms of money but of time too ( if she is currently holding 2 jobs, she'll be quite busy as it is ).

Mind you, I don't blame you if you decide that you want a partner who is your equal financially too and can

" provide ". That does not make you a mean person. It's quite normal, in fact. It's the same as a professor only wanting to date women with a degree, or an athlete only dating sporty women, or a musician only attracted to women who can play an instrument. Opposites attract, at first _ but similarity is what keep people together in the long run. If you want someone similar to you also as earning potential and actual income, there's nothing shameful in that.

But, dating , say, the lady who cleans the train station lavatories, and then complaining because she can't chip in for a nice expensive vacation,- well, it's not even naive, it just does not make sense.

Same as your question, IMO , makes little sense. " Do female feel it's important to work… " ? well, I guess your gf too feels it's very important to work, otherwise she would not be working 2 jobs , she would just go on benefits or mooch from family. It's not that to her it's not important , it's that she can't find a good job , as of now !

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI am curious as to why you feel nobody would employ her? At the end of the day she is an adult who should be able to look after herself. Does she make a real effort with jobs? I mean like applying daily to jobs, visiting job centres. She really needs to make an effort if she is going to find a full time job. It cannot be that hard to find one she just needs to try harder. But it sounds to me like she is not trying at all. I would work 80 hours a week scrubbing toilets for minimum pay if it meant I could look after myself. At the moment me and my husband both support ourselves. We have a joint account for savings and bills and our own separate account for luxuries and things we want to buy for our own enjoyment! I could never dream off living off my husband. Off course down the line if we have children then yes that will change but you both are not even married yet and already she is having a go at you for spending your own money. That is out of order! You work for that money you should treat yourself! I cannot see this relationship changing so you really need to make your mind up! I know it is hard, but you are only dating and already it is this difficult. Do you think she would do the same for you if the tables where turned? You sound like a very kind man, but you also sound like you are at your wits end! Look after yourself, and do what is best for you!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018):

Thank you for your responses. Thing is she won’t ask for money and than I find out she has been eating crisps to survive. That makes me so upset. So I send her money and force her to shop.

But she struggles to find full time work. It’s jus part time part time. She is working in two jobs part time but it doesn’t fix her debt or rent. So she asks me to survive. It’s fine with me because she genuinely needs help.

Now as time has gone on, she has started noticing me spending money on luxuries on my car, and when going gets tough she has a go at me. Although she does not value money much apart from it feeding us.

She does like dinners out. I try my best. But last two months I stopped going to see her.....she has been very heavy on texts and communication, but financially unless I get my wallet out she cannot come to see me.

She cannot afford anything. It’s so selfish of me to leave a girl because of money. But at same time it frustrates me having to pay for two ppl, everything is double cost.

I mean I can’t say anything if everyone rejects her from jobs. I think no one in the U.K. will employ her, I don’t know why, I haven’t got time to look into details, I’m degree qualified and she didn’t finish school. I thought it was match made in heaven! You both don’t have to be working! But I guess not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

I’m a woman. I work and pay half the bills. I’m not currently married to my boyfriend, but when we do get married, I intend to keep on working. If we had kids, then maybe at that point I might weigh up whether the cost of childcare would be worth it, but I might want to work and my boyfriend might prefer to stay at home with the kids. Or we might both work part time and take it in turns to do the childcare. I don’t think you should be financially supporting your girlfriend long term. It’s different if she lost her job for a month or so and was looking for something else. In that case, you might help her for a few weeks while she sorts herself out, but not for a long period of time. Having said that, she may be trying very hard to find a full time job and is finding it difficult due to lack of opportunities. In this case, you should encourage and support her to find full time work. This may mean you both moving to a different area where there are better opportunities. If she isn’t even trying then it’s probably time for you to move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

It sounds like you are getting resentful of supporting a lifestyle of travelling and going out for someone who does not care about, or care to help provide, these things for themselves.

I am not sure if your girlfriend is someone who wants these nice things, as you do, or if she just goes along with you because you like them and she likes you. Either way, it sounds like the differences in your priorities is starting to show here. She doesn't seem to put a lot of stock into making more money to provide the means to travel and go out to dinner, or things like that. Maybe they are just not important to her. However, you find them important and are tired of being the only one providing these things in your relationship. This is totally understandable.

I think you should have a talk with her, and let her know that her not making an effort to save up a little to take you out on your birthday, or even out on a date once in a while is a problem for you. Just because she does not make a lot, doesn't mean she cannot save a bit for something special if she knows it is important to you.

The other thing is that you may want to think about not spending so much on her anymore. She may need to work on living on her own salary for a while, and this may open her eyes to the fact that she needs to get more hours at work, or pick up a second part time job to make her own ends meet.

Also, there is no reason you should pay any of her living costs if you are doing so now. If you are, stop. It never helps anyone to be enabled in that way. She needs to be self-supporting in order for your relationship to continue in a healthy way, and she needs to be able to do this just to get along in the world as an adult.

Finally, realize you may have different goals and priorities in life, and it is possible if you cannot find compromises somewhere, your relationship may be coming to an end. Start by talking to each other honestly and openly and see what you can come up with. Let her know how you feel and what is important to you, and listen without judgment when she tells you the same about herself.

Best of luck, I hope you can work this out with her.


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018):

I find it very strange that your girlfriend does not work. If you don't live together why are you supporting her? I can only assume she lives with her family as how would she have coped only working part time if she did not. You must be a very traditional person to be cool with this. I am a single women who works full time as I need to-if I was married I would work full time as I am of the belief that a women giving up her job when she marries is a bad idea-however that is my choice and I respect the choices of other women who give up working to spend time on their family's etc. However you are not married, not living together and have not mentioned any children and you are supporting her to the detriment of your life. Generally couples share bills on what is fair-it seems the load is not shared. Think about if you would be comfortable if she was the one supporting you-I bet you would not be. It is 2018 and adults-not just men support themselves and frankly it sounds like she has a great thing going with you-she did not even make a token effort on your birthday-that's really bad and not how someone who is thankful and feels very lucky to not have to work would behave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2018):

I think it’s personal choice I have to work and I have 2 young children he works as well I couldn’t not work

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think it depends on the female.

I think working is "what" you do, to enjoy some of the other things life offers you. I haven't worked since child #2 most due to the fact that at the time we were on constant alert to PCS (move) to another military installation and with the husband gone either deployed, training, schools and long long work days, getting a job that paid ENOUGH to work (having 3 kids in daycare would have eaten most of the salary) WE (my husband and I) CHOSE to have me stay at home with the kids.

I'm currently working from home these days but not long hours. Long enough that I can contribute to the family finances AND keep on top of the house/chores/kids.

If there are NO kids at home, why shouldn't she work? Why WOULDN'T she want to work? Even with ONE or TWO kids...

I think instead of giving her money (other than for bills) you should SAVE up.

And I think you need to sit her down and make a budget. Some people have NO idea where the money goes or how much "adulting" costs. And I think you should be HONEST with her. Tell her you don't feel like being the ONLY one to pull the entire financial load. That YOU want to do things like outings and holidays but if SHE is not working... it's NOT doable. AND DEFINITELY... USE condoms for now. No need to add a baby to this until you two have sorted it out!!

Lastly, I think you need to find thing you ENJOY. Be is a simple hobby or just going to the gym. Something that makes YOU feel good about YOU.

If you two are NOT married (your post is a little confusing here) then it is NOT YOUR responsibility to take care of her financially! you are NOT her parent.

Maybe she really isn't a good fir for you long term? As I doubt her attitude would ever change, kids or ring on her finger.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDo men like ice cream? Do women like green? Do humans like swimming? Do you see how silly the "Do you females feel like it’s important to work when married?" question is?

So, yes, a lot of women still want and/or need to work, even after marriage. It helps to keep independence (just in case the relationship ends), you can still achieve things and it gets you out of the house, as well as increasing income.

For what it's worth, just because a job is minimum wage (like a supermarket or fast food place) doesn't mean it's "easy", so don't make that judgement. Also, loads of us can't spend £500 each birthday and go on holidays every year.

You're struggling with a lifestyle change, so adapt. Not being funny, but you sound like you need to be single. Focus solely on yourself and then you won't have any issues you can push off on to others. If your friends don't care, you wouldn't have had a holiday offer to decline.

Generally speaking:

- one pays bills and the other pays for food (depending on difference in wages)


- bills are split based on salary.... I'm not great at maths, so I'll give an easy example (despite few people earning this much); if you earn 60,000 and she earns 40,000.... you pay 60% and she pays 40% of bills

That said, you shouldn't be looking at your future as a death sentence of your own life and acting like a dead fish now.

Re-evaluate your life and relationship. Then act on it.

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