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Girlfriend's son's father suddenly wants to stay for a few days

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 August 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 20 August 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *ddave writes:

I have had a serious relationship with my gf for over 3 years but we do not live together. She is has had two children by other fathers but has been very honest about her past. The eldest boy who is 20 was looked after his father for about 4 years when he was very young but has not seen him for many years now. The father’s mother died about a month ago and for some reason my gf friend put the mother’s photograph holding the baby son as my gf profile pic, a little later she posted a photograph of the father, my gf and the son on her time line but later removed it when I asked why. My gf has not seen the father for many years but said she may with her son travel 200 miles to the funeral of the grandmother but the son did not want to go. Now she has told me that this weekend the father is travelling up to see the son and will be staying at the gfs house for two nights at least. I was mortified but all she says is “trust me, I love you”. I agree the father should see the son but feel that she is being unfair by having the father stay with her and he should have gone to a hotel. I feel concerned that she will be making his meals etc. while he lives there and entertaining him. I feel she is not treating me fairly and wonder if she wants to restart the relationship with the father. Am I being unreasonable?

View related questions: grandmother, her past, I love you

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 August 2018):

This was never about you. It really isn't about her either. The boy has to find-out who and what his biological-father is really all about.

Her son had to see with his own eyes, and hear with his own ears.

Your girlfriend is just a pawn in this whole situation. Yes, for the sake of his ego (and the fact he's an aging-player) he had to throw her a bone to see what her reaction would be.

Lets put this to the logic test. Now why would some loser who just got dumped by a girlfriend/ex-wife or whatever, comeback thinking she would want him back? When he already knows she has a boyfriend? It makes no sense.

He also played on your insecurity. He knew she didn't want him back, and he also knew you'd be jealous and hypersensitive to him being around. Players aren't just good at playing women; they are also good at getting into the heads of insecure men.

I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you that you both treated your girlfriend like property to be negotiated over; and you didn't show her the respect she deserved. Neither of you! You both treated her like a prized heifer at an auction waiting for the highest bid. You treated her like she was too stupid to know what she wanted.

Oh, you say you feel better? You had nothing to worry about from the start. You're too old for the boyish behavior. This was about the boy, and you made it about you. All that stuff he was after your girlfriend is just thrown in there to justify how you behaved. I'll take that for what it's worth.

How it turns out for her son is what matters.

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A male reader, Dddave United Kingdom +, writes (20 August 2018):

Dddave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well the ex boyfriend arrived yesterday and is going back tomorrow evening But it has turned out well for me although what I thought may happen did but it has increased the bond between my girlfriend and I which is so good.

The ex boyfriend arrived and chatted with his son. My girlfriend immediately told him about me evn showing him the ring I gave her that she refuses to take off. She asked some of her friends around so that she would not interfere with the father / son relationship. After the friends left late last night the ex boyfriend, son and my girl friend chatted. When the son was occupied the ex boyfriend asked my girlfriend if she still loved him and admitted he had come up to see if my girlfriend would come and live with him again. She said no and explained about me again. The ex boyfriend kicked my girlfriend out many years ago so his wife could come back, since then his wife has left him and he has had about 4 of 5 live-in partners (not a good guy). He likes the chase but once conquering them gets bored and chases another. Basically I believe all he wants is somebody to care for him while is out hunting other women. This seems to be confirmed by one if ex girlfriends (my girlfriend is in contact with 2 or 3 of them) told her that his mother used to basically look after him, wash his clothes etc. and he wants a "maid".

The girlfriend told her son about the proposition and he agreed he did not want her to go back with his father.

I visited this morning and she introduced me but would not make eye contact. He is now going to see the girlfriends mother and father I think to see if they would support his idea of him and my girlfriend getting back together. They are very moral and religious and am sure would not agree.

The great thing for me is though he is still there and I know he wants to get my girlfriend back she has built my confidence so much that I am 100% sure he won't and I trust her completely. She has been totally honest and open with me and I feel that it has bonded us even closer together. She has also sent so many messages to the fact that nobody could take her away from me.

So a very strange time but working out very well in my favor, just so glad she is mine.

I feel a little sorry for the son but the guy is bonding with him but with the proposition to my girlfriend may feel he was used, hope not.

Thanks again to this site and those who advised me.

.

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A female reader, Linmac United Kingdom +, writes (18 August 2018):

Glad she has spoken to you and says it will not happen again. Although I realise the son may want to see his father I still find it surprising that if he was that bad to her and his son why they would want him to stay with them directly he contacted them knowing she has a relationship with you. Now of course if does happen it would best to walk away and the feeling of the ex boyfriend would be more important than yours. If my boyfriend had one of ex girlfriends to stay with him for a couple of days I could not accept it, period. Feelings and ex lovers can produce strange emotions. Be careful and take care.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI am glad it has worked out for you and you feel more comfortable now.

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A male reader, Dddave United Kingdom +, writes (16 August 2018):

Dddave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for the replies, Every one has merits and has helped me a lot.

The ex could not come last weekend but will probably come this weekend. When she told me this she told me "nobody will ever take me away from you OK" and also it will not happen again. Having agreed he could stay she is is a difficult position to stop it. She wants to show she is committed to me and will tell him so when he arrives, she also wants me to come soon after when she will introduce me and assures me she will say words "that will make me very happy and very proud. So the pressure has eased a little.

She asked her son about his father and he said he would not like he to get back with him, he is happy with her and mine relationship. He wants to see his father as I believe he has not seen him for at least 5 years (and also received no support from him what so ever)!

Thanks again to all concerned it is very much appreciated.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWhile I think that after three years you should trust her, I do understand where you are coming from. The photos she posted don't mean much as am sure there was a time when she was close to his mother so she may be feeling sad that she has died.

However I don't agree with the ex staying at her house, I think there should be boundaries put in place. Is it possible that he can stay at a cheap motel near her house? If it is not possible or is to expensive then maybe you could go and stay with them for the three days so that he knows she is in a committed relationship. I know personally I wouldn't be happy with this and as her partner she should respect your opinion.

I do get that she wants her son to spend time with his father, that is completely natural but it doesn't mean they all need to stay in the one house. To me that is crossing a line and you should be honest with her about how you are feeling.

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A female reader, Linmac United Kingdom +, writes (12 August 2018):

I so not think you are unreasonable either. Nobody can disagree that a father and son should keep in close contact. But I see the first red flag is why would she put her ex boyfriends mother's photo and a photograph of the boyfriend, her son and her on Facebook if she did not want to attract the ex boyfriends attention who she reputedly has had little contact with for years. She also wanted show him off to her friends It suggest to me they have been in regular contact on the media and he is now coming up to see his son and ex girlfriend. The big question is now which one does he really want to see, your girlfriend, the son or both? The girlfriend showed you big disrespect by putting the pictures on Facebook and then to have him stay at her house seems incredible. Yes I would feel very hurt too, it seems very likely there could be another agenda between, I hope not. Wish everything will turn out OK for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2018):

No you are not being unreasonable. I have a 20 year old son who has not seen his father for years. He lives in another country and makes no contact. If he flew the miles to reconnect with my son for two days I would not have him stay in my home out of respect for my boyfriend (who does not live with me). I agree with you 100% he should stay in a hotel. In my book it is out of order to stay in her home while she is in a relationship with you. I think she is being unfair. I would never ask my bf to accept that. At the absolute minimum, you should be invited to be there too.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSir, you are a mature man (in your 50s if your profile age is correct). You need to listen to your girlfriend and either trust her or let her go completely.

Your girlfriend's ex has just lost his mother. As often happens when we lose a loved one, this has made him realize how precious life and time is, and he wants to reconnect with the son with whom he has not had any contact for the last few years. This is his flesh and blood and his son is obviously keen to meet up with him. He is only coming up for a couple of days. If all goes to plan - and there is no reason it should not - he will spend the majority of that time getting to know his son again, and his son getting to know him. I doubt your girlfriend will get much of a look-in, except for providing lodgings and some food (they may even go out for some meals).

This is a positive thing in the son's life. Every child, if they wish it, should have contact with both biological parents. This is about a man who has lost his mother and now needs to reconnect with possibly the only other living relative he has. It is about a young man who is getting the chance to reconnect with a father he has not seen for many years.

Step back and trust your girlfriend; this is NOT about her jumping into bed with an ex she has not bothered contacting for years. Offer as much support as you can in asking, in a non-intrusive way, how things are going between the father and son and being there to listen if your girlfriend needs to talk to someone. If she doesn't wish to talk about the situation, respect that and understand it is a private matter between father and son.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

Do as she asks. Trust her. He's the father of her son; she wants them to reconnect. This is all orchestrated for his sake.

You ARE being unreasonable. He has to travel over 200 miles; and will stay for only two days. You will just have to exercise some trust. You are too mature to be making so much fuss; you should have quite a bit of experience under your belt by now.

Your insecurities are getting the better of you; because you can't control the situation. You're jumping to wild conclusions, and behaving more like her 20 year-old son should be behaving under similar circumstances.

Take a chill pill, and allow the boy to get to know his dad. It's not about YOU!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2018):

You are NOT being unreasonable. You and your girlfriend are in a relationship now and having her ex stay at her house is out of the question. You need to tell her that you're not comfortable with this. If she respect you then she will have him make other relationships (hotel!). If you need to reason with her or "make" her do it then that's a red flag. You are correct in saying that what she is doing is NOT fair. She should have made the decision WITH you, not announce it to you. He has the right to see his son but he needs to stay in a HOTEL like any other adult and not with your girlfriend! UNLESS, she is inviting you to stay with them? Good luck.

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