A
male
age
36-40,
*octurnaldaylight
writes:Hi, I'm 20 years old and have been seeing my girlfriend of the same age for about 9 months now. We met each other at our 'home' town but we study at different universities so it is effectively a 'long-distance relationship' most of the time. Over time, the relationship has become very strong; there have been times when she has been completely open in telling me how in love she is with me, very spontaneously, and I have done the same for her.She has just left today to fly to America to work in a summer camp for about 9 weeks, and I have made tentative arrangements to fly over to New York after her placement and spend a week touring with her.However, just a couple of nights ago I discovered that she cheated on me at least once, and possibly twice, about 3 months into our relationship (back last December). She left her email logged on my computer by accident but had left to go home. I was reading some emails she frequently writes to a long-term friend, general things about her life and her recent activities, because I was simply curious to see if she had said anything about me. It was here that she had written "that thing I told you about last time ... yes I did it ... but it was shit and disappointing, I can't believe I cheated on my man for that", which appeared to be referring to a guy she once admitted to me she had a "thing" with at uni last year (and at first glance read like someone reflecting on bad sex). She followed it up by saying "it's really not as bad as it sounds ... I'll tell you more about it in person." In another email very shortly afterwards, she told the same friend she had "met a really nice guy last night ... and can't stop thinking about him but don't tell anyone. What should I do?"Now, as I was hurt by this I checked through some of her newer emails with this person and didn't find anything else since - in fact, in some of the emails she had written about being in love with me and saying that I was a "perfect" boyfriend.But even though these episodes have happened a long time ago I can't stop thinking about them and worrying that maybe she has done it more times or could do it again in the future.So, my main questions:- It's been 6 months since she cheated and I've only just found out; if this had happened recently I would definitely have finished her. Should I talk to her about it or just forget it? Should I forgive her or finish her? (I'm normally zero tolerance to cheaters)- Should I still fly out to America to see her, and if so, should I bring it up with her then? Or would it ruin our holiday? Should I email her about it right away at the risk of spoiling her endeavours in America?- Do some people cheat even if they are in love with their partner? Why do they lack the discipline to say 'no'? And if they've done it once or twice, even early in a relationship before they realised they love their partner, does it still strongly suggest they would do it again?Thanks.
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male
reader, abbscarface  +, writes (1 July 2008):
hey man i just randomly fell into this topic, but it seems like ur a newbie to this stuff. Hehe, my answer would be, dump the B***, no matter how hard u would have to deal with the break up, go out have fun, enjoy life make moves while u still can, thats some good advice for many guys who get stuck into one girl who constantly plays with their heads.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): I wouldn't think twice about her. If she doesn't value you enough to be faithful then forget her. I'll be the last person to say that it's easy to do bu you're seriously wasting your time if you think she's waiting up for you. The second you start making yourself unavailable is the moment she is going to come back wanting you more than ever. Be prepared for that and don't let her suck you back in.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 wen ur in a relationship with someone u dont cheat and if by any chance u do u should tell your partner.if u do wanna stay with her then u should talk to her as this isnt gonna pass until u know the full story.i think u should talk to her before u come to any decision,but phone her so u can hear her voice and talk to her properly - no emails,no txts etc
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 June 2007):
 You can't forget about it, it will only eat away at you and she'll notice a difference in you. If I were you I would wait until she gets back. Make up some excuse why you can't go over and see her but make it brief with no details. THAT in itself will make her sweat and it will give her something to think about while she's apart from you.
Next, you need to decide just how much she means to you and if you could actually continue to be with her knowing this has happened. It could very well be that she wasn't sure about you both at the start, hence the reason she had these flings. Now that she's in an established relationship with you, knows you better and cares for you deeply it may be that she would never do this again.
So you looked in her email, so what! The way I see it is this, if you love someone and have nothing to hide then them going into your emails shouldn't be a big deal, especially if they'd just forgotten to log out. I'd like to think my partner trusted me enough not to have to do this on a regular basis but a one off the way you did wouldn't bother me at all and if I'm being totally honest here, I'd have done exactly the same thing out of pure curiousity, NOT because I didn't trust my partner.
Wait until she gets home then confront her with it. Explain your reasons for doing so (which I guess would have been exactly the same as mines) and see what she says. Only after her explanation and how she reacts will you know whether or not you want to continue your relationship together. (Email me and let me know what happens and we'll take it from there - if you feel you need more help of course.)
Eve
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 I suggest that you start looking for someone new. While she is away, start dating other people. I can understand her making one mistake early in a relationship...but it sounds like cheating on you is something she has gotten comfortable with. Have a couple of new girls you are seeing by the time she gets back, so that you have options. Your choice is to either have an open relationship with her, and you both see other people, OR dump her, in which case, start seeing other people right now. I have no doubt that she is likely to already be cheating on you on her trip.
I suggest that No, do NOT go on this trip to see her. Use that money and enjoy yourself with your new dates.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (16 June 2007):
 I think you should talk to her about this but i also think it needs to be done face to face as you can see if there is remorse for what she has done, but do remember you are going to have to do some explaining to as what you did as you know yourself was not good.I don't think it is a good idea to address this by email as often things can be taken out of context, the decision you need to make now is if she admits to it and is truely sorry can you really forgive and forget, if you don't think you can is it really worth you going out to see her.
Take care.xx.
If you need to chat you know where we are.
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A
female
reader, Variety +, writes (16 June 2007):
 I would call her and talk about it. She will be angry you read her mail so try and remain calm. Say you accept you are in the wrong for doing that too. Say you love her and don't want it to end. I am not defending her...I think maybe she found it hard being at uni away from you. I am in the opposite situation: same uni, different home towns. And I can see how she could make a mistake (although personally I could never do that to my boyfriend).If you want this to work then you need to talk to her and then wipe the slate clean. Never bring it up again - even if you are arguing.Message me if you want to talk. xxx
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A
female
reader, keely-h +, writes (16 June 2007):
 no offence but your girlfriend should really sort herself out if she is doing this i dont like cheats and i think you should give her a call i know it sounds bad to talk about somthing like this on the phone but look what she has done it is not acceptable.but she has been saying how much she loves you which is nice.but if you put the relationship on the line and she loves you like you say she might think twice about doing somthing like this again.hope it goes well.xxx
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (16 June 2007):
 To be honest, this will eat away at you for 9 months if you dont do it. Phone her about it. It's not the nicest thing to do by phone, but then again its not great to have to read about being cheated on in an email either.
If she cheated before and is now thinking about some other guy, she isnt giving you or your relationship the respect and attention it deserves. Even though you love her I think it would be best to end it here, but that's your decision, so think long and hard about it. It may have happened 6 months ago, but it still happened.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (16 June 2007):
 This sounds like a serious thing to you so I would suggest talking to her about it as soon as you can, if that means when you fly out then do it then.
I'm very much against cheating aswell. If nothing else has happened since then maybe she has realised her mistakes and stopped doing it. I'm not going to say forgive her or forget her as that's something you can decide after you have spoken to her and heard her side of the story.
xxxxxx
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