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My girlfriend doest take care of herself and has no ambition

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2018) 16 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Is it me? Is it her? Are we fizzling. I feel like my gf of 4 yrs doesn't make effort. Everytime we are going out we isn't putting effort in. I don't mind until I realised its everyday.

In my family my mum and sisters always make sure they presentable before going out (usually they tell me to wait 5mins) I don't mean 1hr makeover.

My gf effort is low, if she gets ready once that's it she wont do it again. I accepted that I have no right to tell her what to do. And us boys are demanding. But at my work place I have every one being presentable , girls making sure they look good by doing hair , nice clothes and jus taking care.

Reality hit me when she once came to my work (we had been away for few weeks for work and family so it was really good to see her). Yet she is just texting me she doesn't have time to do this, shave down, or have shower. Etc. Believe it or not I told her to wait downstairs. For someone to be away from me for two weeks and than make excuses for laziness jus because they couldn't be bothered.

I don't want other people seeing her in that state, I want her to look stunning (which she always does when she puts effort in, she is beautiful)

I want other girls at work to know I have the best princess and I couldn't care less what other girls do or say about themselves. But here my gf comes with baggage of oh my razor didn't work, that lipstick was dry, and I didn't have shower because I knew I was going to have one tonight.

In my head I'm thinking oh god so we are going dinner like this.

I think I'm being unfair but she has gotten lazy. I deserve to be attracted to her and be able to enjoy her right. So why is it okay for someone to eat only junk, wear few types of clothing because the sugar fat is clearly visible and than complain that girls I work with are in shape.

But there is no miracle. Those girls are working harder in gym and generally but have rubbish personalities, each to their own. But I don't understand why my one is pushing me away.

What does she want me to do, rub her belly fat every time to make her feel better? Rub that double chin? Or shall I jus feed her more shit. This is coming from a gf who doesn't want to work and rather I did for life. Im okay but what is she going to do? Each all the food at home? I ask for a drink of water after work and she has a tantrum she has to go get it. So housewife stuff wont work. I feel like hitting my head against the wall. Life is easier when u can blame urself and fix urself.

Im so messed up, I wanted to marry this girl, but I'm scared 10 yrs down the line she probably wont move from one place. And ill regret it. I have such a bad image of future. Why wouldn't I, all she likes doing when we meet is eat in restaurant. That's it always eating eating eating. I get fed up of eating. She has no hobbies or interestes apart from me and her friend.

I on other hand have career, car, onto get a house and have few hobbies and interests.

View related questions: ambition, at work, I work with, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2018):

UGH. Is exactly how I feel too!

I just read OP’s reply...

Seriously, OP, I don’t care if it’s been 80 years together with her, you still need to put some effort into the relationship to make her feel special and loved. Same for her to you. You don’t have to spend a lot of money either! Make her a home cooked meal and light some candles for a romantic candlelight dinner!

Why not make that dentist appt for her, hold her hand and accompany her to her dentist appt? Maybe she’s afraid of going to the dentist! To be honest, I’m afraid to go in for my teeth cleaning! Luckily my BF goes with me and promises me ice cream afterwards! It’s the little things you do to show you care, not just while you’re trying to date her, but especially so year after year.

Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2018):

Maybe because she has been let down too many times by men who are too shallow and only care about looks. If anything this girl is probably depressed because you have made her feel this way.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntThat won't help. This OP is the epitome of laziness himself. He said so right here:

"Otherwise u have to start the whole process of wine and dine and dating and its just so tedious and long,"

This means that he is NOT dating his girlfriend. He's not wining and dining her. He's not making her feel special. He's happy that she doesn't demand that he spend money on her (calls it "money hungry").

This guy wants her to dress to the nines and put on full makeup regalia and fancy clothes, lots of clothes, and shave constantly, yet HE finds any effort on his own part to be "tedious and long".

The guy wants to BE lazy and cheap when it comes to her, yet he wants her to go all out for him no matter what. Good relationships never stop wining and dining and dating! But he wants no-effort sex with a trophy who puts on uber-effort for him and spends lots of her own money on lots of clothing.

UGH.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

I would suggest a little encouragement.

Buy her a nice dress, put it in a box and wrap it up. Give it to her with a bouquet of flowers or a single rose. Ask her to open it and try it on, then take her out to a nice dinner. Compliment her and take selfies and pics of her.

You can also offer to wash and dry her hair for her. There were a couple of times in my relationship where my boyfriend offered to wash my hair for me, then he blow dried it too. It felt special to be pampered like that.

Maybe you should try to add these little things into your relationship. It might be good encouragement and re-ignite your relationship!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2018):

I think she has depression. If she can’t shave or put on the basics, she needs to talk to a professional. Then, see if you two want to salvage this.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntI'm completely with youwish. You're obsession about her being this trophy wife accessory to show off and *compare* her with other women, the comparing to others is the worst- you're actually CARING what some floozies in the office think more than seeing her after a break??! making her wait downstairs? Maybe SHE should join a gym, get you to meet there surrounded by buffed men- and then send YOU downstairs because you're not as immaculate and rugged as the other men there! That is messed up.

What you've described the bad hygiene, not taking care of herself sounds like me when my depression is at it's worst. It's the first thing that struck me about your post. But YOU haven't noticed the depression. Just the superficial lack of lipstick and foundation.

When my boyfriend turns up with his stupid ringlets skew-whiff cos he hasn't combed his hair ha, it's just not a big deal. You love someone regardless not for what they can do for you, make you look good, be your goddess 24 hours a day.. I agree with Wiseowl that you feel she OWES you something because you helped rescue her? Well in sickness and in health is a lifelong commitment to the person.. to the one you love unconditionally. Rather than ASK her what's going on with her..

I get that she's mentally ill. Her behaviour sounds irrational and hard to deal with. But how much lipstick she puts on shouldn't be the issue here. It should be encouraging her to go to the GP and get help, medication and therapy..if she doesn't help herself you have no duty to stick around because SHE has to get help for her illness.. or perish and live a horrendous life and bring you down with her. Which a partner shouldn't be subjected to..

Personally though in his situation I don't think you're right or good for each other if you don't correct your attitude and realise how shallow you're being. That said if she refuses to help herself, so she can maintain herself hygiene, career etc. then it's doomed. Personally if I was your gf and I saw this post about comparing me to other women like some pageant I would dump your arse. The feminist anon is not talking crap either, the media is becoming an ever increasing complex for women and TELLING them they NEED to go out and buy those lashes to CONFORM to what they say is beautiful- fake. Sex sells. That's not encouraging esteem of confidence in women... spend hours on Instagram aspiring to have the lastest club look.. you need to evaluate your values

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntJust saw your response:

"Problem is when you spend so long with someone, you become used to and comfortable around them."

and

"Otherwise u have to start the whole process of wine and dine and dating and its just so tedious and long, girls standards have gone through the roof. at least with my gf she is not money hungry."

So you're with her because you don't want to MAKE AN EFFORT? Hmmm??

As I said -- you wouldn't match up with other girl's standards.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntYOU have issues, buddy.

First and foremost, you CAN'T CHANGE someone else. Some people like dressing up, buying expensive makeup and clothes, going out for professional manicures and body wax. Some women go so far as to go under the knife to fix imperfections ranging from bleaching teeth to Botox to rhinoplasty to lipo to anything. You have to ACCEPT her for who she is and how she prefers to present herself to the world, or you need to say goodbye and break up.

You sound a bit narcissistic to be honest. She doesn't stand a chance because you have a wandering eye (you mentioned looking at other women and comparing them to her), and the way you speak about her ("What does she want me to do, rub her belly fat every time to make her feel better? Rub that double chin? Or shall I jus feed her more shit.") WOW. That is condescending and deplorable.

You're treating her like an accessory of yours rather than a fully realized person. What if she likes to be casual and doesn't like lots of makeup and lipstick?? What if she saw no point to shaving or waxing every day in wintertime?

As for her eating, if you treat her to her face with the same contempt that you are treating her in your post here, then I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised. You made her wait downstairs because YOU wanted to make no effort and be lazy. You treated her as your property instead of showed her respect for herself and her choices.

YOU don't make any effort. Constantly criticizing (and you're lying to us -- in one paragraph, you say that she IS beautiful when she "puts effort in" and then go off on some stupid rant about double chins) is NOT rescuing her. Belittling and demeaning her by treating her as an insignificant peasant when she doesn't wear LIPSTICK shows ZERO effort on your side. You're being controlling, to be honest. The ONLY thing I can get on your side about is the showering. GOOD hygiene is absolutely essential, but the hyper obsessive crap about her dress-up habits and how you are trying to IMPRESS OTHER WOMEN with her is disgusting.

And let's talk about that! WHY THE HELL do you care about what the OTHER WOMEN in your office think about you?? That's a weird statement, and you're making ZERO effort to keep your overweening ego in check. Are you trying to make other girls jealous? Are you trying to make them WANT you? Are you trying to make YOURSELF look more attractive?? I believe the answer to all of that is a resounding and revolting YES.

You should break up with her. She would be much better off without you. Somehow, I don't think other girls would consider you to be someone THEY would want to be with, which is why I suspect is the reason you didn't date a woman who was ALREADY more compatible with what you're looking for.

That's like a guy who prefers thin women, is really turned off to fat women, yet doesn't feel good enough to date who HE finds attractive, so he goes out and finds a fat woman in the hopes that her low self-esteem is at such a place where he's going to drive her to the gym and shame her into getting the body HE WANTS for her, and uses emotional abuse and manipulation to get what he wants. In the meantime, no way would he be seen with her in public and he finds her revolting.

That's YOU, guy! If you are THIS interested in a woman who dresses to the nines all the time, is impeccable with shaving and physical upkeep, then you should have been with someone already there. But you're a 2 who wants to date a 10, and rather than YOU make the effort and make YOURSELF into a 10, you went what you consider dating-dumpster-diving, and now you're pissed because she doesn't want to be shamed into being what you want instead of her own person.

Also, what the HELL?? Do your hands and legs not work?? Boy am I glad I have a husband who has the ability to pour himself a glass of water when he's thirsty! You've got some seriously messed-up ideas about what a partner is.

This line: "I deserve to be attracted to her and be able to enjoy her right." REALLY? Do you deserve sex-on-demand anytime you feel like it?? Do you "deserve" her to be your beck-and-call servant/prostitute any time, simply because you helped her move out of a dysfunctional home?? WOW.

The worst part was the story you told about making her wait downstairs AFTER A FEW WEEKS of not seeing her! Are you F**** kidding me?? Some years back, my husband and I had been separated for 10 days while he was out on a camping trip with the guys and I was kayaking with some friends of mine. The moment we got together again, we'd planned on both jumping in the shower (because we had not been able to!), but we didn't even make it there before tearing off each other's clothes in a muddy trail and devouring each other on the floor next to our bed smelling like the Great Lakes and several campfires and fishing trips. Afterwards, we spent a couple hours in the bathtub together (Round 2 flooded our bathroom!), but the point is -- if you actually cared for someone besides yourself, you'd not have given two shits whether or not she was dressed to the nines either in texts or especially in person!

You should break up with her and never date again until you have a serious attitude adjustment. But I'm not sure you can change either.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

Wiseowl talks the most sense. Thank you all for replies. The anonymous poster who was ranting her feminism doesn't make sense. Typical feminist reply with no help in the real world.

Problem is when you spend so long with someone, you become used to and comfortable around them. Otherwise u have to start the whole process of wine and dine and dating and its just so tedious and long, girls standards have gone through the roof. at least with my gf she is not money hungry. I wish I had a magic pill for laziness. And this bloody face book. I see people spending hours on end watching videos of people going into walls.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

[EDIT]:

"In-fact, the same area of the brain that creates addiction is also where love and attraction are manufactured."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

You have no responsibility to save and remake people. You are caught-up in being a rescuer. Your compassion and compulsion to save her is killing you. She doesn't value what you do for her; but she takes advantage of your caring.

You are trying to preserve her beauty. You are idolizing her appearance and have assigned yourself as her patron and one-man preservation-society.

No one can tell you how to feel. Common-sense and what you get out of a relationship with a person determines whether being with them is worth it. If love makes you a martyr, then apparently you thrive on pain and suffering. That's all you seem to get from her. She doesn't really seem to care one way or the other; but your obsession or infatuation with this women just keeps you hanging-on.

You're getting nothing for all your nobility and loyalty to a woman who doesn't even care about herself. You think you're holding her up and the only reason she survives. Sorry my friend, but you're nobody's savior or reason for living. You're just a guy who came along who got caught-up in her drama and decided he could fix her.

She is the only one who can fix herself. Her jaw pain probably comes from tooth decay and gum disease. If you don't remove decayed teeth, the decay will work its way below the gum-line and into the bone beneath the tooth. You can lose all your teeth; because all the root and bone beneath them has been badly infected or destroyed. It causes great pain.

You have to detach your feelings and go cold-turkey through the emotional-withdrawal that has painful effects like withdrawal from an addictive-drug. In-fact the same area of the brain that creates addiction is also wear love and attraction are manufactured. The drug is the feel-good hormone dopamine. She creates a lot of it for you.

You can beat it, when you decide to.

You're caught between the maintenance required to keep her up on a pedestal; and trying to protect and maintain your own feelings. That's a lot of work, isn't it?

You've devoted too much of yourself; until you're addicted to slaving and driving yourself to care for a broken-person. With or without you; she will survive. You think you're the one keeping her afloat? You're wrong. She has learned how to manipulate people around her to preserve herself with no effort on her part. She thrives on empathy and sympathy from others. She's lazy, and her beauty has been her meal-ticket for a long time.

Your life is going to be miserable until you come to your senses. All the advice in the world will not change your feelings or make you listen to your common-sense. You have to convince yourself. We can only appeal to your better judgment and give you comfort. You already know what to do. You're too busy trying to change someone and have a little bit of a god-complex.

Let go, and free yourself. You are more of an enabler than a savior. She doesn't have to do anything for herself when she has a sucker like you trying to save her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

OP here - I can't discuss it because she is not the type to handle any comments on criticism. She has excuses. Always.she loves to argue and gets irritated easily if I question her.

Her family are not there, her mum was alcoholic and never cared or taught her anything.

I helped my gf move out and be independent so she doesn't have stress of her mum.

Rest of family see her at Xmas that's it.

I thought she would learn from me. I loved her like no one else did and still do.

I jus can't put up with the lack of want for anything. It's nice to know she cares but love isn't everything.

Atm I have been avoiding talking to her because she hasn't slept for 3 days because of jaw pain. This is the same jaw pain she had when I first dated her. I remember seeing her screaming in pain and her mum not doing anything so I took her doctors and emergency department. She was on treatment and she had to visit regularly.

Would you believe 4 years later she is having same problem because she can't be bothered to go dentist.

She says I don't help. I have done it so many times, she doesn't care until the pain becomes unbearable and she can't sleep, I don't have sympathy when this could of been solved years ago, the person that said we are stagnating is spot on.

If I leave her, her world would break, I do love her but why is she so stubborn,when she acts stubborn I leave her alone and let her suffer, because there isn't much I can do,

Come on guys there must be solution, thank you all

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2018):

N91 agony auntHave you actually spoke to her about it?

So many posts come into this website and the asker hasn't even communicated with their other half first. It solves pretty much everything.

As anon said, this does have the tell tale signs of depression. When people lose all desire to look after their self, I think you need to explore this option.

Talk to her and come back here to give more information.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

First of all, men don't ever have to wear makeup- neither do women. We are human beings and our faces are just fine as nature created them. Just like yours. The beauty industry created a false standard that lashes have to be thick and dark, skin has to be perfect, etc. so that they can sell products. Many women buy into this but guess what many others do NOT. Have you ever heard of the hippie era? That was the start of women rebelling from unfair norms like people expecting them to wear makeup to the grocery store. And guess what that was YEARS ago. Our society seems to be progressing backwards due to all the instagram and makeup and eyelash extensions and procedures ad nauseum.

If she doesn't buy into the whole thing good for her. That is her choice and if you do not like it I would HIGHLY suggest breaking up. She sounds like she is most happy natural. I have many hippie friends who don't shave at all, and to be fair even girls who shave usually skip when they are overtired, or for long periods of time in the winter! Newsflash, women naturally have body hair too- if you can't handle this then yes get a high maintenance woman who has the time to spend the 1 hr or so it takes to remove all the body hair every single day.

The fact that you want to have people know you have a fully made up "princess" just speaks to your superficial attitude.

You actually made this girl wait downstairs because you didn't want others to see her without a bit of mascara on?And maybe some leg stubble? Seriously, you need to get a grip on reality here.

Then you complain about the odd skipped shower and about some extra weight, although supposedly she is very beautiful with makeup.

It seems there is very little you like about this girl. I am sorry but your whole post is incredibly superficial.

Again, please do her a favour and break up with her so she can find someone less high-maintenance and you can find what you want.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (9 January 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony aunt The fact that she doesn't shower, shave, bother to put an effort into her appearance, eats all the time, doesn't want to do anything at home, has no ambitious, has no friends or hobbies... All this **screams** depression! How have you never considered this OP? This is not normal behaviour; this is the behaviour or a person who is unwell and needs help.

You need to talk to her NOW. Maybe confide in her family and get her to see a doctor. I don't think that any of the things you've mentioned are just casual and "oh I'm having a lazy day so I didn't feel like dressing up". This girl one hundred percent has severe depression and needs to be treated immediately.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou know, OP?

She might not be a good state herself, she might know she is not at her best but she can't seem to care or motivate herself. Not even for you.

This is not likely going to change. Having no ambitions is not something that happens overnight, neither is not caring about her appearance.

I'm NOT a dress up kind of person. I'm pretty low-key, but I DO take the time for make up, hair and presentable clothes when leaving the house - even if it's going to the store for milk. That is just how I was raised and no, it's not a 1 hour make over either, more like 15 minutes for me. If we go out to dinner I might spend 30 minutes getting ready. And that is AFTER 20 years of marriage. My husband is kind of the same. So it works for us.

I think you should sit down and think about this real hard.

WHY do you want to marry her?

Make a pro and con list of her and the relationship.

One thing is being comfortable around your partner while having stubble on your legs or are in need of a shower, I think that is normal. But then there is the " I just don't give a single F any more because I HAVE the guy so why bother?".

To me, it sounds like she hasn't matured or grown as a person since she met you. She is stagnating. I think you two are at the end of the relationship. You want something from her that she isn't interested in giving, and that is the "pretty GF for your arm-candy" but also with a great personality (except NOTHING you write about her makes me think you actually LOVE her any more, you sound more like a disappointed parent.

Think about it, WHAT really makes you stay in this (quite frankly) BORING relationship?

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