A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and girlsim a bit of a chump - thats how i feel right now atleast...i made my girlfriend a beautiful silver necklace for valentines, took her away to a hotel/spa for the weekend, she absolutley loved it, as a treat for me she took me to london on the weekend, we had loads of fun, saw buckingham palace, went to the science museum, looked around victoria and albert art gallery and we went along the river to see big ben (i picked the places, she just payed for the day) on the way home i was feeling very tired and i dont think very well when im tired...we where both getting on the train and i noticed a gorgeous redhead get on, i glanced at her as she got on, took my gaze away very quickly and continued paying attention to my gf, as we where standing there i looked down the carrage..noticed the redhead again looked at her rings on her fingers and her red nail varnish thought they would look nice on my gf and took my gaze away from the redhead again trying to find something else to keep my attention...the train stopped and the redhead breezed past, i looked again and my gf hit me and shouted "iv caught you looking 4 times now" and moved to the other side of the carrage i apologized while most of the carrage was now laughing at me feeling highly embarrased and guilty....we got off the train at our stop and i apologized again, she said "dont say sorry, just dont do it!" and I left it at that, we carried on our journey, she was MISERABLE the whole way, wouldnt accept my apologies and would shrug me off when i tried to give her attentionwe got home and she cooked a quick meal, started to open up a little, i was feeling very upset because iv been given the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening and felt guilty for ruining the day and i went back to my placeshe put loads of statuses up on facebook looking for attention and when i didnt respond kept asking me if i was ignoring her...i feel very aukward now....she wouldnt accept my apologies and accept that i felt really guilty, i told her that i felt really embarrased on the train when she shouted at me in public, she says tough i shouldnt hav done it....she knows redheads are something i really like, i generally dont stare at girls when we are out in public i keep my focus on her as best i can, my gf wont let me look at porn which im starting to get annoyed with specially during her week off...im not allowed to look at anything remotely sexual, even if its on the TV, she'll cover my eyes if theres nothing like that shes really loving and caring...i compliment her on her looks all the time joke with her and laugh with her...after this one small incident i dont feel like im good enough for her, which is wrong because i could have done far worse to her i shouldnt have looked granted, but i was tired and thinking cap was not on the girl was also a redhead...this is also bad, but my ex was allright with me being a "mans man" and looking, this for me is the other end of the scale and i thought i was coping very well...i feel very cold towards my gf right now...venting over, how do i fix this? or atleast get it sorted out, im a once its dealt with guy it shouldnt be brought back up and i took it as dealt with when she said "dont do it" and froze me out for the rest of the evening...
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 February 2012):
 Every relationship is different. Every woman have different boundaries, past experiences, values, morals, dreams and hopes.
Just because you dated women who "loved" porn and strip clubs doesn't mean every woman will. Some women have a different view on things like that. MANY women don't like the idea of objectifying women as "walking sex toys" who only exist to please men.
You need to have a LONG talk with your GF and figure out what her limits, values and morals are - what SHE think is OK and what are not OK in a relationship and tell how YOUR as well, after that you two need to find compromises.
Never ASSume in a relationship.
It does take a lot of work to make a relationship work. Though not all the work has to be hard.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
 Of course I'm a feminist, aren't you, it says so on my profile. Do you have a problem with feminism for some reason? If your asking do I hate porn, do I hate men, or do I have jealousy or insecurity issues... nope, none of that. But I didn't think you were thinking much about your girlfriends feelings or how your actions would be perceived. I also didn't think you was very loving or acting like a mature adult frankly. If it had been you and she had done the same thing.. yep, you would have been as angry and hurt as hell. And if she acted like you and then come to Dear Cupid, I would have no problem saying to her exactly what I said to you. But anyway, I'm sure you didn't come here to find out all about me. If your that interested you can go and look at my answers to some of the questions, especially the one's on pornography. It might actually help you in being able to talk to her honestly and openly about sex and sexuality. The romance you seem to be expert on and don't need no help.Yes there were several issues that I didn't cover, because the other aunts seemed to do it so clearly. The things that seem to make you feel a bit resentful and not respected. That is her insecurity and also her unreasonable demands. Feeling upset that your boyfriend keeps staring so often at a particular woman, that's one thing. You feeling like a jerk because your not allowed to ever look at any woman again, because your girlfriend goes into a tizzy at any innocent glance, well that is another. Of course people look, I said that clearly and your girlfriend didn't automatically jump and get offended, she did wait and watch a while.But this getting upset when you watch television, that is wrong, nobody should have to put up with that. No you should watch what you want to, as long as it's not porn with her in the room. You wouldn't sit down and watch naked girls with your mother or sister, so she deserves the same type of respect. You need to be firm on this, your allowed to watch girls being sexy in movies, sexy on music video's, the kind of stuff you would feel comfortable watching with your family.Sigh.. this is going to be longPorn is a whole other ball game. The thing is, if you look at the many questions about this on Dear Cupid, many, many women get upset about this. Let's forget about your other girlfriends for the moment. They don't mind porn, they don't feel threatened by it, and they don't feel that porn is sick or exploitative. Well good for them. But your not with them, for whatever reason, you left them or they left you and your in a relationship with a girl who doesn't like porn. Some of the women we get on Dear Cupid, actually get physically sick at the thought of porn, some get depressed enough to hate themselves, many go off sex, some start hating the men they are with. They can't just forget and accept it, it hurts them and they drive themselves crazy thinking that their man might be looking at porn behind their backs and lying about it. This is how many, many women feel. They are not wrong, this is how they feel. But you are also not wrong for liking porn and enjoying it. As far as I know it is a legal form of entertainment in your country.You seem to have been very understanding and respectful by staying away from porn for the sake of your girlfriend. In my opinion, if you love her, and she needs it, then throw the bloody porn in the bin. However, you have your likes and your dislikes as well, you have your own opinions. I prefer compromises over porn if the guy really can't give up. But like everything else, if you like something and she hates it, either one (or both) of you has to change, or the relationship will end. Right now it seems like your willing to give up a lot for this young lady. And from what you said about what happened, it seems that she's is trying to meet you half way. For someone who is so insecure, she should have been the one sulking for days not you. So I'll give her that credit, and your here talking, you've apologized, you've seen things from her point of view, so that's credit also to you.There's a lot right with your relationship, and there is some things that are wrong. Your used to being with a different type of girl and you realise that you have to change a little bit so you can be with this one. Same thing for her. To tackle the porn issue, do exactly what you've been doing. Lots of love and kindness, reassurance about her beauty. If you've haven't given up the porn, then don't lie and hide, so she finds out and starts crying, be honest about it. Women hate the lies the most they say. If this porn issue is a problem, then continue to discuss it with her. Carefully explain exactly what porn means to you, why you like it, and why you can't just be satisfied with her, or why porn is different to being with her. Reassure her that your not comparing her with anyone else, but these are your natural feelings, your true opinions, this is the man you are. Make her know that you are trying hard, that you are giving up things just to make her happy. Explain that a look at a woman is what people do, only blind people don't look, and if we all stop looking we would fall over each other... but looking doesn't mean running away and cheating or having an affair. Be honest, even if it hurts her, then she will at least know she can always count on you.The more nice things you do for her, the more she'll be able to relax and trust. But it's a strange balancing act, because you don't want to hurt her, you want to please her, but at the same time it's important for you to be true to yourself. You need to change enough to be with her, but if you change to much, she might as well be going out with another version of herself.When you are upset and angry, tell her you need some space and you'll talk to her later. Don't just walk away angry and hurt. It just causes too much resentment and damages the relationship. What would have been better in the original situation was to tell the truth.. "damn, I'm sorry I was staring at that woman, but she looks like a model, sorry if you thought I was rude"... and then change the subject... then she would have said the thing about "yes it is the model, blah, blah, blah) Then you was still staring, but it's out in the open, no hiding, no wondering. (apart from the fact you didn't saying nothing about her being pretty to protect your girlfriends feelings..)Not great talking about redheads if your girls hair is blonde. It feeds her insecurity. Same as if she starts talking about liking men who have big muscles, or lots of money or look like Brad Pitt. Keep them kind of opinions to yourself, especially considering her past situation and the way she feels about her looks.In your follow up post, you've been more than fair. Apologies and reassurance, you've drawn a line and told her which behaviour is totally wrong. No she doesn't have the right to check up on you and good on you for bringing up your liking for porn. As I've said, if you two continue like this, the relationship will only get better and better.Your two different people, with different histories, and if you continue working together like this, I have a feeling that everything will work out all right for both of you.Next time you have problems, you guys have a fight, your fed up because she never seems to trust you, just come here to Dear Cupid, write it all down, talk to the aunts, get some advice and give yourself some time to calm down. The mistakes this time were easily avoided. However, you two are talking and getting better at understanding each other and that can only be a good thing.No more guilt, no more worrying over it, all in the past now, let's put this one down as a mistake and move on. At the end of the day, you tried your best, she tried her best, arguments happen in all types of relationships.Good luck to you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies,
Yes i realised i was a jerk for looking, i was totally aware of this from the off, i dont know why i did it to be honest...so i have reason to feel guilty there.
I spoke to my girlfriend about it, she apologised for exploding so much...she did it because she knows she isnt the prettiest girl in the world and so many of her exes have cheated.
i reassured her that im staying, i have no intention of cheating on her because she is lovely, an if she didnt have any good looks, i wouldnt have gotten with her...
i apologized for looking so much, it was the first and only time shes caught me looking...she said the redhead on the train was a professional model - Claudia Devlin
i also said to her how the porn thing makes me feel and her checking my computer history is a bit far and that we havent had sex in 3 weeks, shes said she'll stop checking my computer history and make more effort with the sexy time...
for you guys information, I have gone from a couple of relationships where i was allowed porn, encouraged to go to strip clubs, go to porn conventions and being very open about how pretty this girl or that guy is...to go from that to not being able to do those things is not that easy, in the 6 months that i have been with my gf i have not oggled other women in the way that i did the redhead on the train.
Miamine, you have a few good points i didnt come here to say im not to blame, thats totally wrong im here to say, "yes it was me", how can i help it in the future, i know that i would probably look at somepoint or other...i wasnt ignoring her on facebook, she thought i was because i didnt reply to every status that she put up every 10 minutes. im not still acting cold, im trying to get past my feelings of guilt, the staring incident was not 7 days ago it was on the 18th, the saturday just gone, the weekend before was when i took her to the hotel/spa...are you a femenist? it certainly strikes me as that is your viewpoint
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 February 2012):
 Your girlfriend's reaction was not only low class, but criminal. She had no right to put her hands on you and if the situation were reversed, had it been you who had hit her for watching another man people would be outraged.
Having said that, by your own admission you looked at the woman several times, even taking in such details as her nail polish and her rings. Did it not ever occur to you that if it was obvious enough for your girlfriend to have noticed that others might have noticed it as well? Do you not think your girlfriend was humiliated on the train seeing others watch her boyfriend ogling another woman right in front of her? Would you have tolerated this sort of thing from her?
And some here would have you believe that because you're a man you should be allowed to follow your baser instincts. That she should overcome her flaws and apologise for them, but learn to embrace yours.
To find someone else attractive is natural. So is urinating, but if you can control the latter, you can certainly control the former. You don't soil yourself in public just because you're tired and not thinking straight, do you? Learn to be more discreet when admiring other women.
From the sounds of it, both of you have some growing up to do.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
Yep beautiful people are hard not to look at, man or woman, they is just beautiful.. But you didn't just look, you looked 4 times, you noticed her nail varnish, her rings.. Yep, I know, you didn't have anywhere to look, like maybe into your girlfriends eyes, at the floor or at some of the souvenirs you picked up. I bet if I asked you to draw a picture you would remember a lot about this red head that you didn't really stare at. I probably would have done what your girlfriend did but it's reaction after that would have shocked me. Sure people look at beauty, but you took things to a whole different level.
Your girlfriend didn't just start screaming because she caught you looking once. Nope, she watched you, and watched you, and watched you and watched you, and her heart was hurt, her pride destroyed and she was felt ugly, unwanted and ignored. Redhead was beautiful and stunning. You like redheads, your girlfriend knows this. Does your girlfriend have red hair and red nail vanish?
And if she was insecure and needy, what about the other people. They weren't just laughing because she made a scene. They weren't just laughing because you got hit. Nope, just like your girlfriend they was watching you, they was watching and watching and watching. They saw a guy and his girlfriend, they saw the redhead, they knew exactly what was happening, they knew what she was feeling, and they laughed because you deserved what you got.
She didn't just stop talking to punish you. She stopped talking probably because she didn't want to start crying. Then when she got home, she didn't break up with you, nope, she cooked you something to eat, tried to forget about it and open up, she let just let it go.
So you come here and say your not to blame, because she knows you like redheads. Because she MISERABLE the whole way home, you think she deserves to be ignored on facebook. Now you start crying because you want some porn, you want to look at redheads and if she says something you sulk and say "I want to be a man's man, she should be like other girls, don't say nothing, let me have my porn, and if she won't dry her tears quickly then I'll get upset and sulk for 7 days or more"
And to finish this whole situation off, you come here to Dear Cupid to look for sympathy. She can't talk to you or be loving for a couple of hours.. but this was during Valentines, 7days ago, and you are still acting cold.
" i thought i was coping very well..." Really, is that what you think, your coping well?.. I'm not a jealous woman, but I think I would have a lot of problems with any guy that behaved like this.... 7 days of coldness and your supposed to be some type of guy in love.. Interesting way you have of looking at things.... "im a bit of a chump", yep, that's about the only thing you said that I agree with. Go and apologise for your coldness and put this problem to bed.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (20 February 2012):
a bit of a chump huh? I think thats the understatement of the day. To get teh detail of the rings, nail varnish, etc, you obviosly looked far too intently and obviously far too indiscretely. There are always girls that catch a mans eye but theres a bit of protocol involved. On top of that it was her special day and you wrecked it. Time to grovel I'm afraid, flowers, a little something, say you are sorry, and you could try something like "but I don't know why you over-reacted, you are much prettier, I was only looking at the remarkable colour of the nails". Of course if your tongue was hanging out as well then you may as well skip that line. Just don't get anything too heavy, if she having pms it could come hurtling back at you. Good luck and try harder next time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): One thing that sprung to my attention was that you called this stranger on a train gorgeous a few times and never once mentioned that your girlfriend is 'gorgeous' but only that you compliment her...This for one is a problem. Second of all, her action yes were wrong however to see you ogle at another woman once, twice, three times...for times can be very annoying and upsetting, shes let out her frustration as you continued to disrepect the wooman you are with.Also, you obviously have interest in other women, as you are complaining about how she wont let you look at porn/other women - so this is something you are stressing over and longing for. Whilst your complaining like a 16 year old you have a gf there waiting for that lust to be used on her. Put it this was i am in no way insecure, and i get told i am beautiful all the time - hence i do get looked at a lot. However there is NOTHING more irritating or uncomfortable than a guy staring! So please control yourself, not just for ur gf but for other women as it isnt nice!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2012):
I think you were both acting childish honestly.
I get it that you saw a hot redhead and you looked. OK *shrug" but did you really have to ogle her 4 times? After all the week-end in London was the "culmination" of a romantic Valentine's Day not scouting for hot chicks.
You need to tell her however that throwing fits is not going to help.
Use your common sense, I know that dudes like to look (we women do too) but there is looking and noticing a attractive person and then there is the checking them out 4 times.
I think you did it to make your GF jealous. Plain and simple, and she... reacted like a 5 year old.
You both need to grow up and respect each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is a warning for you, you need to explain to her that her behaviour was bang out of order,hitting you on a train and moving seats!The FB stuff is very childish too.
No you shouldn't have looked 4 times, that was really bad behaviour,once is enough.
You need to sit down and set some bounderies together, you have apologised and that should have been an end to it.If she has issues with confidence n insecurity then it needs to be dealt with or things will just get worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I think you were both in the wrong here, you were wrong for looking 4 times, she was wrong for acting that way in public.
She definitely sounds insecure, and if you really love her I think you should talk to her about this. It sounds to me like she's been hurt in the past. If you haven't cheated on her, an ex bf may have.
Once someone is insecure, whether they're naturally like this, or have been hurt in the past it is NEVER an easy thing to break away from and sometimes it never leaves a person. A lot of people need counseling for this which is what your gf may need.
If you don't like the way she is, you're going to have to either put up with it for a while, or break it off with her because if she's insecure, it'll last a long, long time until she gets it sorted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): My Dads rule was, if you are going to look, make the 3 seconds count and NEVER double take or look more than once. THEN that is lusting. ;)
He told me this I think because I was a tomboy but also so I would know when a man I was with would respect me. He said if a man cannot keep himself trained and restrained- not worth your time or energy.
There are men, there are guys, and there are pigs. Make sure I date MEN only.
I see this as guy behaviour but your GF sees it as Pig Behaviour.
I do say GF is hella insecure and probably has been cheated on and again, my Dads rule is about MONOGAMY/FIDELITY.
If you can keep yourself restrained, you are a Man that has high integrity and would not think to cheat as you dont' even entertain such thoughts. 3 seconds is always the rule, even if you say hmmm. End the thoughts from going further. Its about respect and your GF did not feel respected and with her insecurity, if you looked 4x, you are probably not very trained and could easily cheat. *shurgs*
I say if you are that unhappy with GF and can't live or meet her standards and expectations- it won't change and your resentment will build.
Time to end it and find someone more secure in themselves and that you are able to be forgiven when you act like a guy. ;)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Guys almost always underestimate how much they're staring and checking out and how long their eyes lingered. You shouldn't have checked her out four times. That's really excessive and like someone said, it's really embarrassing feeling when your guy is eyeballing someone else in public.
That said, the way your girlfriend reacted is not OK. Yelling at you in public, giving you the cold shoulder all night even after you apologized, etc... My guess is she's really upset about something else, as in something else has happened to make her feel like you don't care or find her attractive. Because that kind of blow up isn't normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Okay, how the whole thing went down was not good and she reads to be a bit on the immature side.... HOWEVER.... a classy mature man, will NEVER make it obvious he is looking/admiring another women in the presence of the women he is in a relationship with...it's extremely disrepectful and only stirs a women's insecurities. I hope you have learned something here, even though her reaction was extreme....when you are out with your women, the only eyes you have are on her. Practice, practice, practice......you can do it. This really is not a tough one guys....if you respect the women you are with, show her it's sincere all the time, not up until you see another beautiful women. Women KNOW men can't stop looking, but you don't have to slap us in the face with it all the time.....
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 She hit you? Because you looked at a woman in public? She has issues.
People look at other people. It happens, it's not a big deal. You spent a huge effort showing her a good time and she is miserable because of nothing.
Don't let her insecurities and negative emotions leave you walking on eggshells in this relationship. You'll end up miserable and feeling like you can't do anything without setting her off.
Get some time away from her for a while. You'll have time to cool down, and she'll have time to miss you and hopefully realize she's being what some guys might call a psycho-b***ch.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (20 February 2012):
Gauping at another girl would have been embarrassing for her, but the way she`s reacted to it is a big red flag.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (20 February 2012):
It`s a bit naughty to be looking at other girls, but how she`s reacted is showing signs of insecurity that will require a lot of hard work from you. Too much hard work really.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 February 2012):
Your gf definitely has issues. We're human beings, we appreciate beauty when we see it. It wasn't like you were actively flirting with the girl. And the scene she caused in the train was completely unacceptable and very childish of her. I'm surprised you even put up with her afterwards.
Look, it's obvious you love your gf, but her insecurity issues are pretty much ruining this. I think it's time you talk with her about it because it's not normal. And you should accept it either. If you let her walk over you and control you, this relationship is going to end anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I would treat this as a sign of what`s to come. If she is that insecure, then it wont be long before she starts exploding over girls you have`nt looked at either. From my own experience, this type is the most likeliest to cheat on you too. Remember my words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This post screams your girlfriend is insecure. To a scary level. Its almost like shes controlling you. Have a heart to heart and tell her everything your feeling.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (20 February 2012):
 You are a bloke: blokes look. You have nothing to apologise for, it is programmed into you by nature, for a very good reason.
SHE should apologise for being ultra-controlling. Be warned, she is unlikely to improve. Can you face that?
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