A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have this friend (yes folks, it actually is a friend) who's going through something that neither of us can seem to really get our heads around. His girlfriend of over a year sent him a random text yesterday, immediately stating that she "doesn't think they're compatible any more", or something to that effect. She went on to give her reason for this. She said she believed that because he had told her in the first few months of the relationship that while he was single he watched a bit of porn, she was concerned that he might be having "thoughts" about said pornography while currently in the relationship - and that apparently makes her feel uncomfortable.His girlfriend claimed to notice 'signs' of him acting in a way that might indicate he wants to be the way he was when he was single. She wasn't exactly specific, but the word 'pervy' was used. He has no clue what these signs are, and is pretty baffled. She wouldn't give him any examples.Her argument basically came down to: I don't believe that a person should change the way they are, just because they're in a relationship. Again, she wasn't specific, and danced around the issue quite a bit - but clearly she meant the porn watching thing. Now I've known this guy for many many years now, and I think I can safely say that this guy isn't some sort of porn fiend or someone who feels like he has to introduce porn into the bedroom to make things more exciting. He's just a bloke who watched a bit of the stuff when he was younger and single, and doesn't feel the need to watch it any more. Especially when he has a girlfriend to satisfy him in that area.Is this girl being a bit unfair? Would any women reading this attempt to assume their partners are having pervy/porny thoughts, just because they USED to watch a bit of it? And if so, is that a valid reason to break up with them?We could totally understand where she's coming from if he was still doing it, but her argument just seems flawed.Are we missing something? :/
View related questions:
has a girlfriend, porn, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I'm with ChaliceODamnation on this one. It's about integrity, moral standards and being the sort of man that women respect. I doubt that she is insecure, otherwise she would end up staying with the guy. It takes a strong character to decide what you do and don't want! She should definitely talk to the guy and give him specifics - that way he can get closure. If he's a typical porn watcher, then chances are he stares at women in an inappropriate fashion (staring at their tits/arse) and is just an all round creepy kind of guy!! The fact she used the word pervy speaks volumes. I'm fairly sure that if she was just looking for an excuse, the obvious "it's me, not you" statement would have been sufficient. There is certainly more to this than meets the eye!!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Valid or non valid reasons to break up don't really excist. Either a person wants to break up (and find whatever reason they wish) or they don't want to break up (and ignore whatever reasons there might be to actually end it). The reasons are thus irrelevant. This girl wanted to break up. And she made up some reasons, or are seriously troubled by these vague reasons. Anyway, that's on her. Your friend shoudn't have to worry about putting off women by admitting to have watched porn. This girl is the odd one. Good riddance. Who wants to be with someone who can't even be more specific about their reasons to leave (or stay)?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): What???? Why would you care about what they did before they met you!!??? Porn is normal when you are single.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Some women are like that, they have hate the thought of pornography or the thought that a man might have any thoughts in their mind about any woman but them. Even if you don't watch pornography, because they know that many men do, they will never believe you. There is nothing you can do, it really is a problem with their own self-esteem and their own ability to trust. This woman will find out in time that her own fears and personal issues (eg: communication problems) are messing up her life.
Sorry for your friend, but very few women act like this, and in time he will meet someone who will be grateful for the way he behaves.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I was raised by a Dad that demonstrated High Integrity and LIVED the High Standards that he instilled in me. A part of home instruction addressed pornography and why it feeds weakness and breeds more harm than good. Also that it is addicting.
So yes, a woman doesn't want to date a man that is weak and governed by his lust as such men tend to only feed their lust and will use porn and date sites to 'get off'. Such men, its getting off that is everything, thus indicating addict behaviours, and will resort to lying, hiding, to feed the addiction.
Porongraphy is fast being linked to Men who are addicted to internet date sites that arrange hook ups/sex meets and cheat.
This is not what a man of Integrity lives like and can do without such things.
So I can see what the girlfriend is saying, she just doesn't have the wisdom and instruction to say otherwise.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I think, before you jump to conclusions, he should sit her down and find out more about these 'signs'. My guess is that, at base, it's a combination of insecurity on her part and perhaps a bit of insensitive behaviour on his. For example, I wouldn't be surprised if she's seen him staring at girls with big boobs and has felt offended and insecure as a result, and has linked this to his earlier use of porn. He and she need to have a conversation about this!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): He needs to talk with her about what specifically she is concerned about- maybe it's something other that he did other than having watched porn in the past? but either way it sounds like she wants out of the relationship so there isn't much he can do if he really isn't doing anything to be pervy or showing signs he will become porn addicted in the future.
porn is a deal breaker for me, I won't date someone who watches it at all. Someone I met recently told me his gf broke up with him or he with her due to him wanting to watch porn in his own house. I thought it was funny he told me this straight away- but it's good because then you can eliminate, I wasn't interested in him anyway but that made an elimination for a friendship connection also- this was at a singles social event- he was kind of creepy looking too. Not to say that all men/people who watch porn are.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): She is probably highly insecure and looking for reasons to attribute it to, and she just wants to break up with him.
If she isnt capable of meeting him in person to break up and isn't willing to meet him in person to discuss things, then whatever. Sometimes some members of relationships just like to make things messy and this sounds like one example, trying to take him down.
He should just mention that he is quite comfortable with his past, which is normal and healthy, and let her know that if she wishes to judge him or draw conclusions without a proper dialogue then she's much less a person than he originally thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I think she's just using that as an excuse to avoid the real reason why she wants to break up with him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): OP here!
Thanks for your input, guys. Much appreciated. Pretty much everything you guys have said is exactly what we've been thinking and discussing ourselves, but I wanted to get a few more opinions and show them to him today.
He's meeting with her now to talk about it, and I have no idea what reasons or excuses she might start giving him (if any).
When he first told me about all this, straight way I thought it must be an excuse to make a quick dash from the relationship - glad I'm not the only one.
I guess we'll see what happens later.
Thanks again :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Are we missing something? :/
You (two) sure are!!! She's ready to dump him, and needed a plausible excuse, and the "porn" thing was it....
Case closed...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 March 2012):
 I think the porn is just her justification to break up with him. I would suggest you tell your friend to talk to her face to face instead of over the phone or through texts. THAT is how you deal with issues in a relationship. FACE TO FACE.
Many many guys aren't upfront about their porn use and many many women don't express how much they detest porn - so porn becomes this grey issue. That huge elephant in the room.
Honestly if she has that little trust for him I think the lack of trust is a bigger issue then porn. Deal breaker IMHO.
Your friend can do better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Did he look at scantily dressed women when they came on TV or check out girls on the street? That could be the pervy she's talking about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): "Are we missing something?"
Certainly feels that way doesn't it? Because you are. I bet you all the money I have that this is just an excuse to break up with him but make him seem the one that's at fault.
People don't, after about year of knowing he watched porn in the past, just suddenly start acting crazy and suddenly think he's using it again out of nowhere, especially based on these bullshit "signs".
OP she's just taking the cowardly way of breaking up with him, convincing herself it's his fault and trying to feel good about it by putting the blame on him.
I mean come on OP, there is no logic to what she's saying at all.
I have a feeling there might be another guy and she's projecting her guilt and insecurity onto him. If it's not another guy then it's another equally as dubious reason.
This doesn't make sense because it's lies OP and you know it.
"doesn't think they're compatible any more"
See? There you go. Everything after that is horseshit. So tell your friend he did nothing wrong, tell him this girl is just being a complete coward and looking for any excuse to put the responsibility onto him instead of taking it herself.
As sucky as it is, she's just trying to worm her way out of the relationship and if I was your friend I'd take back the power and dump her on the spot. I've had girls try to worm out of a relationship with me before. Try to tell me I'm some kind of horrible person that did something bad that they can't deal with but then after discussion with literally everyone I know, and none of us being able to figure out what she means nor that I was/did any of those things we realized that her flawed argument was just lies.
I dumped them because they were cowards and liars, without the respect nor the decency to just straight up tell me they wanted someone else or they just didn't want to be with me anymore. There are plenty of people like that out there OP.
She has basically told your friend she doesn't want to be with him because he's a seedy pervert, she's seen all the signs and that's all the proof she needs. That was nice of her wasn't it? He should dump her ass and never look back. Lying manipulators are just not relationship material.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 It sounds like something else is going on. Maybe he's pressured her in some way in bed that made her uncomfortable, or has done something weird otherwise. Because I hate to break it to her, but close to 99% of men have seen porn in their lives. If she has a problem with porn and has a boyfriend who doesn't watch, he's already in the minority. Finding someone who has NEVER seen it will be impossible unless she goes somewhere where there is no form of any kind of media.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I would say that, she is either using the porn as an excuse to end it OR she really believes he is still using porn.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Yes she is being very unfair - but then again some people cannot let go of a person's past and it makes them feel insecure because of it. Look up retroactive jealousy on this site and you will see! Mostly it is men who struggle with a woman's sexual past, but equally the same applies if you search porn on this site - 99% of posts are from women who are made to feel insecure because of porn. A lot of it is because their partners are watching too much of it whilst in the relationship, but some simply cannot handle any porn watching at all - so even if it is in the past the idea that their man masturbated over other women is not ok to them and because they have thought about other women in the past, what is stopping them from thinking about other women now?
She has MASSIVE self-esteem issues, she is a very insecure person and clearly cannot handle her partner ever watching porn in his lifetime. She is definitely going to struggle to ever meet a man that has never watched porn, but that is what she is looking for by the sounds of things!
However all of this aside - it does look like a bit of an excuse to get out of the relationship. Sometimes people (both men and women) are cowards and cannot simply say to their partner 'I dont want to be in this relationship anymore' - they come up with some cock and bull excuse to make it more justified. When the reality is that they are dumping them and that is the end of it.
With her lack of elaboration on the reasons behind the break-up, it does sound like this is a bit of an excuse and she may have alterior motives for breaking up with your friend.
I think your friend is best out of it, she sounds like a bit of a nutter (for want of a better word) and he can do better. Tell him to forget her, regardless of her excuses she clearly doesnt want the relationship anymore so he has to move on. There is no point in trying to figure her out, her mind definitely works in mysterious ways so you are only wasting time trying to figure this out.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
