A
female
age
36-40,
*alcrum105
writes:Hi there. Wall of text, but I'll keep it to the relevant points.I've been with my fiance since 2014, but only engaged since 2018. COVID delayed our wedding and we've not had it yet.I met my fiance at a party in early 2014, he told me he was a freelancer who'd moved over the state line from the South to the Midwest. Where I live the river separates the big city in the Midwest from a small town in a traditionally Southern state.He was 28 at the time and I was 29 when we met in March 2014; Asian, seemed friendly, fun, was also a muscular and tanned guy. He had the looks, sure, but his personality was what attracted me most to him.He'd only lived in my city since November 2012.He was rich, not mega-rich, but it wasn't obvious, and driving a Camry and wearing an expensive suit probably aren't obvious signs are they?I got on well with the few friends he had. He said he had few friends here but the few he had were good, he'd made them through being involved with local theater (viewing, not participant!)We moved in together within 6 months; by August 2014, we lived in a small apartment in the city, which was fine, then moved to the suburbs.He proposed to me in February 2018, and it was a beautiful proposal, he did it at a popular cake shop in town, not the usual place for a proposal, but still, it was a lovely intimate thing. He'd spent quite a lot on the ring too! In May 2017 I gave birth to our daughter, and she's a lovely girl, my fiance's a good dad to her.Quarantining during COVID was certainly not sunshine and roses, neither of us could work but we got paid anyway, yet nowhere really to spend the green, short of occasional eBay purchases or food and drink.Life seemed good; he met my parents, but I didn't meet his (apparently they live in Hawaii, so I'm told, but I've never been to Hawaii and it's probably expensive).I've only met them via video call, which wasn't great, but it was good at the time.But the big revelation only came last night.He told me to come to the computer, well, brought a laptop in, and then he told me that he had a big announcement.He explained the only thing that was true about him was that he was a freelancer and his love of fine foods and craft beers and NASCAR, but he was not the "Mr. Wong" I fell in love with and that his name wasn't even "Mr. Wong", he had a different surname, proceeded to log into Facebook and showed me his real-name account on there which showed pictures of him with some Chinese or Filipino-looking guy who looked more like a woman wearing a crop top and booty shorts and my fiance in DKNY crop top and panties at a foam party in a notorious gay nightclub in another state. From the photo you wouldn't know it was a guy, his boyfriend could pass very well as a woman.There were about 30-40 photos of my fiance dressed femininely.He then told me that he was really a camp gay man (in his words, "a fruity gay guy") and that he'd been with his boyfriend since March 2007 when he was 21, they'd been dating since November 2006, but moved in together since August 2010, and he'd been juggling two sets of households.He explained how he'd worked out that if he kept the underwear and sexy photos under his real name and the professional stuff under the "Mr. Wong" name few people would make the connection. Something his boyfriend suggested apparently.If his clients knew about the photos surely they'd end things, but to them, they just know him as "Mr. Wong".He said he lived across the state line, 8 miles away, with his boyfriend.He explained to me he'd came up the idea of with getting work here to have extra money for funding his boyfriend's desire for a larger house, new Mustang as a weekend fun car, and meals out at expensive restaurants. He told me that his boyfriend suggested my fiance pose as a straight guy, "network the hell out of things, appear straight", then come back now and then, and that his boyfriend said about explaining how it's a role and they'd both agreed on it at the time in 2012.He also said he'd spoke to his boyfriend over Skype and Zoom during quarantine.This isn't the same thing as when a couple are married and one partner comes out as gay is it? as he already had a pre-existing relationship. It's not like we'd been together years.I feel more like a married man's mistress, even though, obviously, he was engaged, not married and I was engaged to him.To me, there was no obvious signs he was gay, how the hell did he manage to do this? Also, no obvious signs he was in a relationship either.I feel angry and betrayed.Surely, reality's gonna hit him hard now?I'm wondering how a man can manage two houses, two sets of bills, and also have the energy for sex with both partners at once, and being a dad?This is making me consider calling off the engagement, but now I've got worries.Child support, etc, exposing it to friends and family, the big moral question of doing so?I now feel like I hardly knew my fiance at all, well, hardly know him.He co-owns the house with me and pays mortgage etc. so untying that knot and shared bills, car payments, taxes etc. are gonna be a big issue for me.I feel like I made a big, big mistake; how could I have been so taken in by a guy I thought was a nice guy but was really a camp gay man already engaged to his boyfriend and that he wasn't the masculine guy I thought, but really a feminine man.He didn't look or act feminine, and I didn't suspect a thing.I really don't know how to handle the whole thing, the whole nine yards, feel fucking angry, like I wasted 8 years of my life being with him.I'm not married, so obviously divorce isn't an option.I could be the angry bitch exposing it on Facebook, but I want to be the better woman, be a good mom.This probably isn't going to be a typical relationship with the ex, even if kids having two dads together is a common thing.I didn't go into this relationship knowing it was an affair or anything, I thought he was the right guy for me.Now I'm gonna have to date as a single mom and online dating probably isn't going to work well for me, tried it in 2012 and it didn't work well. Didn't meet one person who wanted an actual date, just sex.I'm stressed, angry and since I've only known about this for a limited time, no idea what to do next.I'm in the Midwest, Mom and Dad in SoCal, and I feel embarrassed to tell my friends.Any advice is welcomed.
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affair, divorce, engaged, facebook, fell in love, fiance, has a boyfriend, married man, mistress, money, moved in, text, underwear, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2022): P.S.
Oh, yeah...he still owes you child-support. Make sure you have his real credentials and identification. If you can find his passport, hang-on to it. Chances are, he will try to flee the country. I'm humoring you, and giving you benefit of the doubt that this post is a real incident. You got a beautiful daughter out of this experience; so that is at least one consolation out of this whole crazy situation. The child is innocent, in spite of the father.
Once you get a good lawyer, though the case is complicated; you're the mother of the child, and you may be a victim of fraud. How he signed documents to get a mortgage and credit with fake identification is a whole other ball of beeswax! We're taking alleged criminal-fraud and extortion here, my dear!!! Be that the case, he has no legal rights or dibs on the property; but it might be a legal nightmare untangling the mess he has made.
Best of luck, OP!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): Easy-peasy! End the imaginary-engagement, and become imaginary-friends, and be his imaginary fag-hag.
Tell everybody and anybody who cares to know! If this is even remotely true, he bust out of the closet like gang-busters! So contact the sponsors for RuPaul, send her his video; to enter him as a contestant for RuPaul's Drag Race. Be his #1 fan-girl! I'm just kidding, you can't do this without his permission! If he has already broadcasted his coming-out on social media, Lottie, Dottie, and everybody already knows by now! Telegraph, telephone, tele-fa...!!!
Sue him for any expenses lost on an imaginary wedding he has fraudulently imposed upon everyone; while posing as a straight-guy. Despite your claim that you supposedly never even slightly suspected he was gay! If he gave you an engagement ring, have it appraised, and checked to determine if the diamond(?) is fake; then hock it to repay your parents for whatever expenses they've incurred towards your wedding. Hide your wedding dress! Meanwhile, be sure you store it properly! Save it for the next imaginary-engagement.
In a real scenario, it is what it is. The wedding is off!
According to the story, he's a raging flamboyant sissy; who was somehow such a good actor he fooled everybody. Like any fraud, you expose them, file legal charges for any thing stolen from you; or sue for damages of any expenses spent towards a fake wedding that will never happen. Somebody slap Will Smith; he was really good in "Six Degrees of Separation!"
Otherwise, it's a great story to tell at a cocktail party.
I can use the word "sissy," because I am gay. We use it all the time. It's an insult and a derogatory term when coming from someone homophobic, or a bigot. It's not gladly or humorously received coming from people outside the gay-community, just fyi!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 May 2022):
 Ah, our fantasy writer is back...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2022): Get a lawyer.
He owes you childsupport marrid or not.
For the rest... what can i say? He's a freaking narcissist.
EVen though my story is nowhere nearly complicated as yours, I can relate somewhat.
I was attracted to a guy and he acted as if he were attracted to me. He was charming, smart and funny. There was also this masculinity about him - something he nurtured on purpuse I would learn later. He made such a big fuss over me for everyone to see. Now, that's the part I didn't like. But he was doing it to show how NORMAL he was, it had nothing to do with me. Also, I had this nice girl energy,somebody who makes no fuss over anything.
Long-story short. After months and months of flirting, going out, making everybody know how crazy he is about me, he came over one rainy night saying that he can't pretend any more, that he was crazy about me. This is how our "relationship" started. It eneded a couple of weeks later after we had had sex. It was obvious that there was something wrong. He just wasn't into it and couldn't finish. I wasn't stupid enough to blame myself but the thought did cross my mind. Later he would tell me some stupid stories how he couldn't handle "my past". What past? I had two bfs before him!
Two years later he tried to do the same thing to a friend of mine. The exact same scenario. Only difefrence is that he didn't even try to be really intimate with her. There were no dates, no time one on one. He was just using her as a front. I wouldn't have said anything to her hadn't she asked. I told her everything and she was amazed by how the same his MO had been. Making such a fuss, making sure that everybody knew how much he liked her... some of their mutual friends had thought that they had been having sex for a while, because of the way he acted around her.
Even now (he's in his 50s!) he tells people how "I was the one who got away"...
It's not my friend's fault. It wasn't mine and neither is yours.
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