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My female friends keep hitting on my boyfriend. What do we do?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 17 May 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I, both 26, have been together one year. We met through a social group meetup. We are the youngest among our large group of friends as everyone else is in their 30s. We have been with the group for 1.5 years. We are both social people who enjoy hosting occasionally and have always been very popular among the group. We have had our fair share of being crushed on by the opposite sex which was never an issue until now.

During our time together, there have been several women (our friends) who expressed their interest in my boyfriend knowing that he is with me. I am confident in our relationship and trust my boyfriend, and we talk about these incidences openly. It was never an issue until a recent series of events has bugged me. The following happened within a two week time frame.

We were at a party and Woman A was quite drunk and started touching/hugging my boyfriend. It happened in front of me but it seems she was so drunk she does not remember what happened that night. I told my boyfriend it made me uncomfortable as I found it inappropriate. He was understanding. I later made it clear that Woman A is no longer welcome in our home (we host small potlucks/parties occasionally) and he agreed. I know he didn't see her as a threat but i was glad he understood. Not sure if relevant but Woman A confessed her feelings to him befoer we started dating although it did not go anywhere.

On a different day, we were standing in line at a bar and Woman B and Woman C (her BF was not present) kept verbally encouraging and motioning my boyfriend to take their place in line and order his drinks first. It was obvious they wanted thim to buy them drinks although my boyfriend caught on, lingering in the back of the line and elsewhere, staying by my side. He chose not to drink that night even though he usually has a few drinks (I do not drink). This situation made me uncomfortable because our friends (Woman B, Woman C, and everyone else) knew he was loyal to me and there were plenty of single male friends also in line whom they did not hint for drinks.

Shortly after, Girl D who was very drunk started touching my boyfriend's chest up and down while saying his name. He walked away and was upset.

I understand none of these incidents are my boyfriend's fault. We love our friends but I now feel I cannot trust the women in the group, especially since they are older and seem to be taking advantage of my boyfriend. My boyfriend usually appears/acts carefree and only those close to him know how observant he is. We went from seeing our friends from twice a weekly to weekly to every other week.Women A-D are all older and our friends but it does not seem they respect our relationship.We still want to remain close with some of our other friends but everyone is usually together. What can we do?

Am i overthinking? Even so, these situations make me uncomfortable and we need a solution. We are usually an independent couple but i find myself sticking by his side more during socials with this group. I find him staying close to me as well. My boyfriend is usually the life of the party and may come off as care free. I want him to be himself but is this giving others to wrong impression? Why do people not respect our relationship?

View related questions: crush, drunk

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntFrom reading your post it does sound like you are very sensitive when it comes to other women around your man. Are you sure you have no trust issues? Have you ever actually tried talking to them afterwards and telling them how uncomfortable they make you? Maybe that is the next step before you get rid off them completely.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017):

Get rid of your "friends."

Friends do not do this to other friends.

Period.

They have some serious issues.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017):

" But we loove our friends" I'm really sorry to rub this on your nose. What sort of people are you being friends with and 'loving' ?

CHANGE YOUR FRIENDS. Enough has been done to tell they aren't true friends. Friends are not people you party, socialize and play fun games with. They are just people.

You need to hang out with people who are less shallow than that. You call these shallow, crude people your friends and then complain about them being who they are.

You mentioned that these are older women. Perhaps they're having fun teasing you more than flirting with your bf. It could be possible that they look at you as this 'young bitch' oh look, here comes miss young and dating the hot guy. Clearly there's more than just your bf being attractive.

You said there are some of them you want to be close to. You don't have to be forcefully part of this social group to stay in touch with them do you?

I suggest, you talk to your bf and slowly distance from the group. After a considerable break from the entire group (wait until they give up on you turning back up), get in touch with only those you really like and invite them over. If they really care, they'd come by.

:) Take care!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017):

You seem to be like my wife whom I have never cheated or given a reason to doubt yet she never lets any of her female friends come near me or visit us at home except one or two ugly ones. Are you sure you are not exaggerating those women's behaviour concerning your bf?

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 May 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou have to be selective about who you're friends with. And if you look at it in the truest sense of the term them you're not really "friends" friends with these people. You are part of a Meetup and that's how you know each other.

Too much socializing can sometimes backfire. How about you spend some time away from this group and meet others who are not necessarily a part of this group? Or just be together the two of you for a while?

Try to get to know who really is a friend. It's not that these women don't respect your relationship; I don't think they give a damn because they barely know you well enough. Just because you mingle with them doesn't mean they're your friends. They're just looking to have a good time and will do just that with anyone who obliges.

As you grow older you'll soon realize that it's better off spending quality time together or with an intimate group rather than with a lot of people who don't really matter.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2017):

It would be interesting to speak to the women involved and to find out what THEIR views are on what they did. Obviously I wasn't there but, while I can TOTALLY understand you being peeved about what happened, I suspect they just saw it as a bit of fun aimed at a personable good-looking younger man and no "disrespect" was meant to you or your relationship.

It sounds like your boyfriend is on the same wavelength as you and no interested in these women at all. If you could both learn to laugh about these incidents, it would probably make your life a lot easier.

I was out with my partner one day when we were accosted by a woman who used to live on the same street as my partner's daughter lived with her mother. Despite us obviously being together, this woman completely ignored me and was all over my partner, telling him "Ooh, Fireman Sam, you know I always fancied you. You can come and climb up my ladder and rescue me any day. I still live in the same place. Drop in any time you are passing." All this accompanied by flirty posturing and lewd winking. To say I was gobsmacked would be an understatement. I couldn't believe she had the brass neck to do this with me standing there. I just got hold of my partner's hand, smiled at the woman and said "Nice to meet you. We have to go now." and walked off. Amazingly, she carried on shouting out suggestive things at him as we walked off! Both my partner and I saw the funny side of this after she had gone and we still laugh about it occasionally years later.

There will always be people who will be "inappropriate". You will never be able to control that. What you CAN control is how you react to it and whether you let it affect you. Try to remember, they are probably doing it for fun, not to upset you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

I know I've already said a lot, but if you would indulge me.

Sometimes you have to reduce the quantity of friends, to appreciate the quality of friends. I know popularity and a lot of hits on social media mean a lot these days. I have a large number of friends/social-acquaintances; but we have a closer inner-circle. These are the people we trust and we can count on. We are on a lot of social-lists; so we get invited to parties and events; but we know who our real friends are.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

Once in awhile an OP submits a post that I myself may be experiencing, or may have in the past. This is definitely one of them. So I hope I can be of help. It's going to be a long one. It's a very common problem. Friends don't always wish you well in your relationships. They get infected with envy.

I have been fortunate as a gay man to have found myself partners who are professional, good-looking, and all have been financially-successful. I know people reading my answers when I make mention of my past relationships wonder how I meet these guys. Purely by coincidence. It was never planned. I haven't had too many men in my life. Most are friends and were never lovers. I earn my own money. I don't need anyone to take care of me. Everyone I've ever dated knows this.

The first guy, whom was my partner 28 years; met me when we were only 17. We grew-up together basically, and became more than friends. We fell in-love. He passed away from cancer. He became a successful attorney; and of course, gay men or straight-women hit on him for being successful and handsome. His ego was pretty big, and he did cheat. I caught him in the act, five years into our official-relationship. I chose to forgive him; but it took a lot to repair the damage. People hit on him and me all the time; so we learned to either abruptly deflect their advances, or politely excuse them. It all depended on the situation and who was involved. He also had gay colleagues and clients, whom I've never met. So I had to trust him; as he trusted me. You don't have to be rich or good-looking, people just want what you have. Sometimes they just can't stand to see you with someone good, and happy about it. Especially, if you flaunt it!

Keep that in-mind!

Years later, I met another good-looking guy randomly while at a very nice restaurant. He flirted and got my number. He eventually became number 2; but only for 10 months before he dumped me. He liked flashing his cash, so young handsome guys took notice. He only liked the attention, but he was quite blunt about the fact he was taken. He knew most of the attention was about his wallet, although he is truly easy on the eyes. I often put my own friends in-check; reminding them to show respect for me. I didn't allow for even playful flirtations; because gay men don't really playfully flirt. They test the waters and proposition under the guise of playfulness. Again, he would ask them flat-out what's up? I didn't need to do or say anything in a case like that. Just trusted him to deal with it. He was a little jealous about me, I did have to reassure him sometimes. Generally, trust was mutual. He likes being single and changing partners. So that one ended by his choice. I got over it, and moved on.

Now the guy I have now. He is a self-made man. He has a growing and successful business. He is built, has a very large presence (I'm not talking about his man-parts); and a very magnetic personality. His ruggedness draws females like crazy, and he has huge tattooed-biceps. He has a construction business and does restorations; and likes hard physical labor. It keeps him extremely jacked, and his handsome face turns heads. We met at a home improvement and supply store, and hit it off. He has been my guy since.

Strangers want to squeeze his biceps! And yes; my friends constantly hit on him. In his past, he has had a series of heartbreaks from guys who wanted him for his money, and/or for sex. He got tired of it, and he decided he wanted something real. That's what we have. I've learned that it really is up to him to control how he is approached, and to stand-back to allow him to handle himself. He's a grown-man. I am not going to place myself in the constant position of fighting-off flirts, and showing how insecure I am. He is big and strong enough to handle himself. I can't control his dick. That's his responsibility, and I have to control my own. We have discussed the matter of boundaries and respect. His friends used to snob me; until he personally set them straight. Thinking I was after what he had. They were only jealous. Even made passes at me, hoping I'd take the bait. I told him every time. As he'll let me know. That's how we roll!

People aren't friends when they don't respect your boundaries. They are opportunists and out to sabotage what you have out of envy. They want to rock the boat and purposely make you crazy; because they're jealous.

If you brag, show-off, or demonstrate property owner-ship; you invite antagonists. Always pissing on him to establish your territory; will breed contempt among your girlfriends.

They will try to show you just how unsure your hold on him is. Everyone has a weakness. Anyone can cheat. They will try to prove that. You can't let that get to you. That's a girl thing. "Sometimes you might have to slap a bitch!" That was a gay joke! Please don't stoop to violence!

You have done the right thing by cleaning house of those bold enough to go after him to your face. That's how you have to handle those types. They are not as relentless as gay-men can be. They will go out of their way, and even challenge you for protecting your relationship. So you have to trust your man to defend the relationship just as much as you do. If he doesn't like guys hitting on you, he'll have to maintain your loyalty by demonstrating to you he is just as willing to defend what you have together.

You can't be together 24/7; so calm your nerves. They will go behind your back. Also remember, he's not interested in everybody who hits on him. Men can control our urges and what we do with our penises, contrary to popular-opinion.

We don't need an invisible leash around our necks.

If he's worth having, others will want him. So you also have to fight your own insecurities; so not to make him feel he's a possession, rather than your mate. He doesn't have to react every-time someone flirts. You get used to it. It means nothing. You'll look crazy snapping at people who compliment or flirt with you. So be realistic. His not reacting shows their flirts don't always have any effect. They don't! Some just roll-off your back, or evaporate.

I know, part of maintaining your union is protecting it on all fronts. It's best to use a stealth-approach. Don't be obvious, and make an ass of yourself. It should be a joint-effort. Not just yours. If he plays stupid or unaware; he's not always showing you disrespect. It happens too often to be constantly deflecting attention you didn't invite. My boyfriend is aware when people hit on him, and I'm aware when people hit on me. We both handle it as a matter of fact. Not to seem conceited. Pretending you're unaware sometimes makes the flirt feel rejected. Not worth the attention they're seeking. Yet at times you do have to let them know you don't appreciate their disrespecting your relationship. Drunk or sober. Some action must be done on his part. You shouldn't have to always be his guard-dog. That makes you look insecure; and they will get pleasure out of making you bark and bristle your fur. If you don't trust him, that is really more your problem. If he makes no effort to let you know he's got it all under control; ask him to show it for your peace of mind. I have, and my guy listened. I practice what I preach; so it works.

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