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I'm worried about my son moving in with a girl after only 4 months

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Question - (15 May 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2017)
A female Canada age 41-50, *otherOfMen writes:

My son is 22 and even though he is an adult I still worry about him. Over the weekend we got to met his new girlfriend, she is a sweet girl and someone I'm actually glad he is dating (his past few girl friends weren't my favorite) BUT I worry that they are moving way to fast. She is 20 and a single mom to an almost two year old little boy. The father has never been in the picture. They have only been dating six months and are planning on moving in with each other at the end of this month. My son said that they have "unofficially" been living together for almost two months now! So only after four months they moved in with each other.

I'm glad that my son is being mature and helping look after her son and treating him nicely but he refers to him as "his son" they refer to my son as daddy when they talk to the little boy. I just think with being so young and in a new relationship getting attached a child or worse this poor little boy getting attached to my son how it will affect the situation if they break up.

I want to talk to my son but I don't want him to think I don't like her . He gets very defensive when it comes to his girls and he have always struggled with having an open relationship with him.

Should I say anything or just hope for the best ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2017):

You should leave them alone! My MIL was so against us when I moved in with her son, he was 25 and I was 22 at the time. She even told him to leave me cause I don't go to church every Sunday ( I worked on Sundays). She bad mouth me to her son all the time (he told me everything). I didnt say anyting to her until we got married, i called her fake.....I don't want anyting to do with her, now we got 3 kids stress free from this evil woman.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI get why you are worried, mothers are always going to worry, but he does need to make his own choices in life. I have to agree though that they should not be calling him daddy to that wee boy, it is not fair on the child. But again I don't think you should get involved as you will end up the bad one.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2017):

N91 agony auntIt's his own life, you have valid concerns but he sounds happy and I don't think anything you could say would change his mind as it sounds pretty set.

All you can do is be there as a mother and support him.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (16 May 2017):

Phil052 agony auntYes, he is young, and the situation is not entirely ideal, but if they are happy together then I think you should support them as much as possible, whilst also speaking privately to your son about the long term implications. This sort of relationship is very common these days, and your son is old enough to make his own life choices. It might just be the making of him.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I think that your worries are very legitimate. In fact, I think it borders with insane wanting to build up an instant family at such a young age and after only 4 months of dating. The girl may be super nice, no doubt , but if she is willing to toy with her child emotional wellbeing because of what , for all she knows now , could be just a crush, she must be also superficial and impulsive.

Anyway, it boils down to, you can 't do much about it . Your son is a self supporting ( I suppose ) adult, he has the right to make his own choices as he sees fit, - and to deal in his own way with the consequences if the choice was not right . If you are too vocal in expressing your concerns, you will only antagonize him and polarize the situation , " mom versus gf ". I don't think he'll change his intended course of action just because you want him to. So might as well roll with the punches, by hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst.

Be supportive,be underdstanding, be non judgemental , be as helpful as you can be ( in terms of practical help, like occasional babysitting )- and be ready to be there to pick up the pieces if and when it all goes belly up . In this very likely event, at least you won't be tempted to say " ... I told you so " - because you never said it to begin with :)

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2017):

MissKin agony auntI think your concerns are legitimate. I would worry about the impact on the child. I know you should trust a mother's judgment of what's best for their young child but I know too many mothers who put themselves first. I would be concerned too.

That being said, your son has made this decision himself. People do not get involved with someone who has a child without thinking it through. You can't say if they'll stay together or break up or what the impact will be of either decision. What you DO know is that he has made this decision. You can always ask him in a backwards way and say things like "you're moving really quickly with this girl, she must be special" and see what he says. I feel it'll have more impact than voicing your concerns as actual concerns.

At the end of the day they're nor going to change their path because you've said something. The best thing you can do is try to be supportive and if it all goes wrong, be there to help pick up the pieces and remind everyone if they break up that, like it or not, there IS a child involved.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf his previous girlfriends have all been a bit "challenging", then it may not be surprising that he is moving faster than you would expect now that he has met one who is "nice".

Your son sounds like a decent sort of guy, which will be, in no small part, down to his upbringing. I am sure he and his girlfriend have thought through all the possible pitfalls of what they are doing. The child's mother is the one who should be worrying about her child (just as you are still doing about yours). If she is half the girl you believe her to be, I am sure she will have thought all this through and will do everything she can to protect her son.

Rather than talking to your son in a way which will make him back away from you and get defensive, why not do all you can to stay as involved as possible in their relationship? Invite them over for family meals, volunteer to baby sit so they can go out together without the baby, invite them on nights out (if they can find a baby sitter). That way you will be able to get an insight into what is going on with their relationship without alienating your son in the process.

Stay the caring mum but learn to let him make his own decisions and become an adult. I am sure you have laid sufficiently strong groundwork for him to figure out things well for himself.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

Your son is too old to be living with his mom/parents. You shouldn't be worried who he moves in with, he's old enough to make those decisions. Even if it happens to be a 20 year-old young woman with a two year-old. It is never too soon for someone his age to move-out of his parent's home.

You're being a mom, and it's hard to let go. He is old enough to deal with whatever he gets himself into. She is young and inexperienced. So things might be rocky from time to time. You might suggest to your son that he not be too quick to expand the family. The last thing they need is another kid.

Other than that, give them your blessing and consider your job done as far as raising your son. He wouldn't get defensive unless you meddled more than you should. You don't have to like the girls, he's the one dating them. Just because you don't like them, doesn't mean they aren't good for your son. You are biased, and no girl is good enough from a mother's point of view.

If you recall, his father's mother may have had her reservations about you once. Does that mean you weren't good enough or any threat to her son's well-being?

It's his time to be a man, take responsibility for his decisions, to deal with his choices, and their consequences. Offer your advice and wisdom when they ask for it. You will form a stronger bond, and they will welcome you as part of their family-unit. Stay out of their business; or the will push you out.

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