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He's a nice guy but it's just not working out

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 17 May 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Why do I always feel so down? I have been with my boyfriend for five years and we have had several ups and downs. I can't seem to look past his flaws and at times he can't see past mine but we tried hard enough for so long.bThis has been my first and only relationship so I do get bored once in a while but lately "once in a while" became all the time. I feel like we're stuck in the same routine: go to school then head to his mom's house as that is where he lives. He can't really move and has brothers to help watch. I on the other hand is moving on to get a BA after community college. There are also emotional misunderstandings and he gets defensive or clingy when I try to explain how I feel if things go wrong. This had led me to stop talking. Don't get me wrong, he isn't lazy. He's a nice guy but I feel like I either want more or it's best to go solo. I just think he'll stay with his mom for a long time. I'm also not wanting to break up then get back together because that's happened once or twice before back in high school. What should I do?

View related questions: get back together

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSweetie it sounds like you both might be growing a part. At your age it is amazing that you have been with someone five years. However you need to also go out and enjoy your life. You are off to uni and yes you will miss your boyfriend but it sounds like it is not working and maybe you should end things and focus on yourself. You are so young to be tied down. Go live your life and enjoy it if things are meant to be you will find away back to each other in a few years.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

You, like so many young people in your age-group stay together for the sake of making it last. You get some notion in your mind that it has to last forever. That's not true when you're so young; and that applies mostly to marriage.

You didn't comeback together for love, you felt sorry for him; or you both got lonely and decided to put-up with each other rather than be alone.

He'll continue to be a nice guy, and he will find someone else, if you have to go. You gave a long list of things that aren't good between you; but all you could say otherwise, is that he's a nice guy. From what you've complained about, he wouldn't be much of a friend; let alone be your boyfriend.

You've got to face the fact you've outgrown the old relationship. You have plans for your future to focus on; and he has responsibilities that are holding him down for the moment. You're bored, and hanging on for old-time sake.

What you have described is not what a relationship should be like. You're supposed to grow together, love, and support each other. You will still get bored. No matter how good a relationship gets, there are dull moments. Ups and downs.

Yours is spiraling downward; so you have to bailout before you crash. You don't go back and forth together. You have to be mature, make a final decision, and stick to it.

He doesn't need your pity, he wants you to love him. You're not obligated to stay friends just to keep a bandage over your broken-hearts. You can completely go your separate ways. You have to move on, if destiny is calling to you.

It's time to grow-up, be single, and have some independence. You want to follow your own path, and it seems you would be happier if you could do that by yourself. So go do it.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntFor someone your age to be in a relationship for 5 years is quite an achievement in itself. However, you are at that stage in life where you are changing rapidly in your views, your needs and your wants. While he may have been good for you 5 years ago, it sounds like you have outgrown this relationship.

Wish him well and let him go. You are going to meet lots of new people and your life is going to change a lot over the coming years. Don't be held back.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIf you at 18-21 have been with the same guy for 5 years it might not be totally strange that you have either outgrown the relationship or outgrown him.

What we want (in a partner and out of life) at 15-16 might not be what we want in out 20's and later what you want in your 20's may not be what you want in your 30's...

We ALL grow at different speeds. We mature. (some much later than others, some not at all).

You have known him for AT LEAST 5 years, so you also know WHO he is and what he can "GIVE" you -emotionally and otherwise. IF it's NOT enough anymore, you have to accept that HE will not change because YOUR needs have changed. He is who he is. He might be comfortable with a LOT slower pace in life than you.

My husband left his dad's house at 17 to join the Army. 2 of his brothers LIVED with their dad still into their 30's. One is in his 40's and STILL living with his dad (though he has lived with GF's and had a short marriage as well) but... not everyone wants to same things in life.

My guess is, your relationship has been "dead or dying" for quite a while but you have stayed out of familiarity and because you still CARE for him on some levels. Staying, however, will not change the fact that you feel UNFULFILLED.

You can CARE and LOVE someone, and NOT want to be with them.

If you do end up breaking up - make it a clean break DO NOT offer "friendship" and don't keep contact going. It will only make it harder on BOTH of you.

Maybe? It's time for you to fly free and take some time to get to know who YOU are and enjoy being single.

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