A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilemma that I doubt I will get much sympathy from here.I recently divorced after a year long separation following an affair. I live with my mistress and we are in love and planning to get married in a year or so. She has met all of my family and they accept her, although it is still touch and go because they also see my ex from time to time and are still close to her since the marriage was long and grandchildren are involved.My father is gravely ill and will most likely die soon. I told my ex wife that she will probably be at the funeral and my ex was fuming mad and refused to go if that were the case.I cannot tell my fiancee not to go, but I also want to give my ex the chance to pay her respects.What do I do? My inclination is to go with my fiancee and let the ex deal with it. After all, it will be about my dad and honoring him...not about the divorce, affair or any of that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): If you really want to Honor your father then do not take your mistress to his funeral. She has no right there. She may have a right as your lover but she meant Nothing to your father. Your father did not have a relationship with your mistress. He did not view her as your partner so I think you have bigger issues than u are letting on. Your ex wife has been in your family for years, gave the old man grandchildren. Your mistress was your thing on the sly. Your mistress did not know your father. Your mistresses relationship is with you only. And if truth be told, your family mean nothing to her, let alone your dying father.Mr. OP, you do not know the first thing about respect. You disrespected your marriage (by having a mistress), left your wife for the mistress and now you want to flaunt your mistress by your side at your father's funeral. If u want to show respect at your fathers funeral then attend his last day, without bringing drama in the form of your mistress. Your mistress can get to know the family later on, if you take her there the funeral attendees will be gossiping about her being a home wrecker and will mar the funeral date. Does she want to be the center of attention on this sad day. Is this the desired effect?I think your mistress should have common sense because you are certainly not thinking clearly. She needs to be objective and ask herself whether she cared for your father or whether she just wants to prance around with you.As for your ex wife, I don't blame her for hating you. I think you are in denial saying that u did nothing wrong. Of course she is going to hate you for a long long time, even after you break up with your mistress. Anything else is just plain naïve of you. Just read your vicious attack on your ex wife. Adultery is a big thing, it is wrong. By not acknowledging your wrongdoings how the hell can u expect your wife to change her opinion of you. I suggest that now is the time to reflect on the mess of things you have made. Perhaps your fathers death can be a new beginning for you, meaning please change your ways, account for your wrongdoing, try to right the wrongs you have done. Realise it takes two to mess up a marriage and you certainly did wrong in your marriage. As for your mistress, her place is not at the funeral . I say this bec she did not have a relationship with your father and your father meant nothing to her. So she is NOT affected by his death. And so she doesn't need to be present. What will she gain by being there? Only as eye candy to the rest and also inflicting more pain onto your ex? Come on, surely you are grown up enough to realise that a funeral should not be a venue to make a mistress statement. So you got a mistress, big deal. Respect your father and the occasion, you can display the new dolly bird at another more appropriate function.Just my thoughts....LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): “The resent goes back a lot further than this, unfortunately, and aside from the affair, NONE of it is my fault.”I doubt this since there are two sides to every story and you were a part of the relationship.The affair is a large thing. It's not minor by any means. Having an affair and hiding a mistress is not a way to resolve problems in a relationship. The relationship should have been ended long before someone else entered into the picture. You would still have to deal with these family issues but they would probably not be so problematic without the lies and disrespect that you brought into this situation. If you want to have a good relationship with your children, your grandchildren and your family, and eventually with your x wife, you have to admit some of your fault in the matter to yourself at least and try to resolve things beginning with this funeral.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Ideally, they should both be able to attend and pay their respects in a proper and decorous fashion.
But, if you are afraid this is not possible and there's the actual risk of some unbecoming scene, - better to avoid. In this case, burial etiquette favours your ex wife.
Like, when there are limited places in the church where the service is held, or at the burial ground, - or if refreshments are served after the funeral , precedence is always given first to the closest family members, then right after to oldest friends and aquaintancences ( oldest in terms of how long have they known the deceased, of course ). Your ex wife has the precedence over your fiancee' ( who is not your 2nd wife yet ) for having known your father more closely and for longer time, and also as the mother of your father's grandchildren.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Thanks everyone! I like the idea of letting my ex go to the viewing and perhaps the fiancee to the funeral itself, or vice versa. It is a tough situation...I have hid my fiancee while she was a mistress, and I refuse to do it anymore. Wea re in love and she is the sould mate I never had. I cant reject her like that. Conversely, my ex has been in my life for many years, and is the mother of his grandchildren. Both my ex and my kids need to be there too.
I wish my ex could be more civil and bury the hate for one day. But perhaps you will all see now why I am no longer with her. The resent goes back a lot further than this, unfortunately, and aside from the affair, NONE of it is my fault.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2011):
I agree with the OP. A funeral is not a place for drama at all, and the ex wife is just that - an ex.
OP, take your fiance, and let your ex get on with it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2011):
 you need support at the funeral too. You will be grieving and your fiance will be the one to give you that support. Your children need the support of both their parents at the funeral so both you and your wife should attend. It would also be acceptable if you invited a couple of your own personal friends to give you additional support and you all sit together. A funeral is NOT the place for bitterness. Explain that none will be tolerated.
I have been to funerals where poor behavior is embarassing. And reflects badly only on the living. A recent one of a work colleague springs to mind. The funeral was absolutely huge, people spilling out into the foyer and out to the street. His submarine buddies spoke glowingly. A man whose life he saved spoke up. His work colleagues were shoulder to shoulder. His community group that he helped spoke well of him. His nephew. His sister. His son. All spoke in glowing terms. It went on and on. Then his mean spirited daughter spoke up. This was his troubled daughter, the one always ''borrowing?'' money, the one always demanding things from him. Everyone knew the daughter was forever expecting him to bail her out of her latest problem. What his daughter said was more like a petulant 2 year old, and the hall went silent. People were in shock. His ex wife did not turn up. She perhaps should have attended. People did not know what to say at the end of the daughter's tirade. She stormed out once she had finished speaking. So no one even got the chance to give her support. That was not the way to behave at a funeral. Funerals can bring to a head all sorts of family tensions, as it is the last chance to say goodbye. Do it with dignity and tell your ex and your fiance to do the same.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 You ex is the mother of your father's grandchildren. If indeed the funeral is, as you say, about your dad and honouring him, you say the marriage was long, that means your ex wife's relationship with her father in law was also long. Unless they fell out, ie your father and your ex wife, she should be made to feel welcome at the funeral.
You are not married to the fiance, technically she is not part of the family and your ex wife is, although, ideally they would both attend and mind their manners, your behaviour will determine theirs, if you can act mature and recognise your ex wife still holds an important place in your family as the mother of the children especially while they are still relatively young and the divorce is of such short duration they should follow your lead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): From what you have written it sounds like your fiance is influencing your decision making here due to the fact that your x wife still has a good relationship with your family. You and x have children and grandchildren. If at least not for your own sake, to be a better person, for the sake of your children you should not treat your x wife badly or ostracize her from this relationship which does not end simply because she is no longer your wife. Over time, when wounds have healed more, and she has also moved on they may learn to accept each other at family functions. Imo, your x wife should be there not your fiance.I assume she cared for your father and had a relationship with him. Show some respect and allow her to be there without any drama.
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A
male
reader, plasmoid  +, writes (22 January 2011):
Bring your fiancee. She's the one you're with now and plan to be forever and she's the one you have to side with.Remember, it's *your* father. Full stop. Invite her, inform her you plan to be completely civil. If she wants to come, she will be welcome. If she doesn't feel she can behave civilly then simply thank her for condolences and move on.The fiancee and the ex, don't have to like each other, interact with each other or even speak to each other. Therefore, they will both comport themselves appropriately to *your* father's funeral or they can *both* go home alone. Do not waiver on that point. Anyone who loves you will manage at least that much or will excuse themselves from the event. The funeral is for the living, ie you, not for scoring points in some petty game.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Leave this up to the women. In this case, they are the ones who have an issue with each other, not you. If your wife was mad over the affair she'd be refusing to see YOU, and clearly she isn't. She's only refusing to see the "mistress". But thats HER decision. So, the best thing to do is invite both along, and make sure both know the other might be there, and see who's willing to be an adult and be civil. Leave it up to them, if they can't stand each other thats THEIR issue, not yours.
ps. I do recognize that your ex-wife won't see the former mistress because of the situation, but still, she's an EX-wife now, not a wife, and the "mistress" is no longer a mistress but an official girlfriend. So that's her problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Why cant your Ex go to the visitation the day before.....and your fiancee go to the actual funeral...She is a part of your life now...if you tell her she cant go that will be starting your marriage off kind of sucky.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): I think you should go with your instinct, i.e. invite the fiancee (if she has known your father for awhile, e.g. a few months, and if she feels inclined to go) and let the ex take care of herself. You're divorced-- she should have moved on from fuming by now.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I have to say that because there will be children involve the best thing is for the new girlfriend to stay behind and let the ex-wife pay her respect. Your children might need her support and shoulder to lean on while they are putting their grandfather to rest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): There is a time and place when it is okay to bring your fiancee to a funeral. Now is not the time. Let your ex go to the funeral. Let her give some peace to your dad.
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A
male
reader, PortOr +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I disagree with the previous post. You should invite your fiance for sure and let her know that she is important. That said, you have a solemn duty to inform your ex - but leave it open ended saying that she may or may not come depending on how upset she is & that your fiance will be there. My best bet is that if she is miffed, she wont show up :) but will she will try to connect with your relatives later on ... hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Your ex wife deserves to be there and your fiancee does not. This woman was with you for years, she knew your father and had your children. Treat her with a BIT of respect and do not take your fiancee.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 January 2011):
 This is a difficult situation. Normally, I would say that both women should be able to go… but this is a funeral. This is a time for those who are closest to your father to celebrate his life. That being the case, the last thing you want to do is cause a scene by bringing your fiancé. Obviously, your ex-wife knows your father well and he is the grandfather to her children… so she should be there. I realize this is probably not the answer you were hoping to hear, but it’s the right thing to do. There will be plenty of opportunities for your fiancé to spend time with your family in the future. Good luck, and let us know what you decide to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Can't you all go and pay your respects without any drama?You fiancee sounds like an immature woman.
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