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My ex is having Sex with somebody knew. It's upsetting me and is making me feel VERY jealous. Any advice?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Health, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 May 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm feeling jealous towards my ex. We've managed to be friends since we broke up nearly a year ago. Even though we are friends, I've never felt like I've truly gotten over her, even though we have both agreed that getting back together wouldn't be a good idea.

She has recently got herself into and relationship, and as far as I know, she has started to have sex with this new guy. I don't know if I would normally feel this way or not, but I know that knowing that her sexual craving had become as big as it had, has on exacerbated things. We have both been craving sex (not from eachother) for a long time now, and knowing that her cravings are being seen to now and mine aren't is just making me feel worse.

I'm not in any position to just go out and have a one night stand. I still live with my parents, and they have given me this big talk about how they want me to "respect them, by at least introducing a new friend before spending a night with her". So, this would mean that I would have to enter a relationship. Admittedly, I'm okay with that, but it gives me a huge disadvantage under my ex, who is now living away from home at University.

Please help me. I'm I obsessed with my ex? I miss her quite a lot still, constantly think about her, and now that she may be sleeping with a new guy, it's plaguing my mind even more and making me jealous! Please, does anybody have any suggestions.

View related questions: broke up, jealous, live with my parents, my ex, one night stand, university

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008):

Get out of your parents house. You need that a whole lot more than you need the one-night stands.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008):

I know what your going through. You love her very much. But she is your ex. You broke off for a reason. Remember distance make the heart grow fonder. If it's ment to to. it will. Give her, her space. Go out with friends, take up a hobby. Their are plenty of nice women out there. I believe it's a 31 ratio. Don't let it get you down

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008):

ok look bro check this out i have been going out with my ex for almost 3yrs now we broke up and well yes i do miss her and everything but ok u juss cant dwell on the past(a good friend of mine told me that)but anyways just be happy for her and dont be jealous you cant be its not human i sware you cant let her know your jealous thats just what she wants i feel your trouble cause iam in a somewhat type situation ya know?, but just dont get jealous be cool and of course everything will be all right i sware bro...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for the advice. Needless to say, I think I AM long overdue a relationship. For me it sort of feels like an understatement... whenever it may very well not be. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with not having sex, especially when my ex might be herself. And I wish there was another way to ease that. Any further suggestions?

Thank you all again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

You are wise not to enter a new relationship when you still have such strong feelings for her.

Some would say that you never get over a person until you meet someone else, but you sound considerate enough to think about the potential other person and how it might be to be involved with someone who still wants someone else.

I know it hurts, but you will come to terms with it eventually. In the meantime, spend time with your family and/or good friends and count your blessings. Relationships are not the be all and end all of life and you stand a better chance of finding a good one if you wait until you are healed.

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A female reader, Cherriepie United States +, writes (13 February 2008):

Cherriepie agony auntBaby boy...I feel for you, and i thinkits time to move on and stop thinking bout your ex. you were both overdue for a new relationship and she just beat you to it. you have to accept that and find your own happiness with other girls. Maybe a onenight stand is what you need, because you cant hold all that sexual energy bottled up. I understand you hunny, but is it so bad to get into a relationship to have sex? thats what your ex is doing, even though she is more independant, shes not having one nighters.

When i have been between relationship i have had one nighters, and its ok, you just release your sexual tension. But keep you eyes out for a nice girl who can take your mind off your ex permanently. You dont just need sex, you need the next girl. You are overdue. lots of luck hun.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

Quite simple - you might be jealous, that is normal. But going out and sleeping around with girls and having one night stands won't help you in the long run - it will just confuse you more. Sure, you might think that might help you, but I have to completely agree with anon_e_mouse - having no contact with her thus giving you and her some space to breathe and move on, is the only real solution. What you really need is to have a break, move on and move forward by finding someone new to have a healthy relationship (i.e. more than just a one night stand - a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship)

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (13 February 2008):

Frank B Kermit agony auntFirst, what are you doing keeping tabs on your ex? She is your ex, and there is no reason to be keeping track of who or what she is doing.

Next, are you in a position to move out and build your life? Maybe that is where you need to focus on.

As for going out and having sex, all you need to do is go after women that have their own places. Go to local university pubs close to the dorms. Mingle with international students as they MUST have a place to stay. A great place for one night stands is hotel bars and airport bars. Travelling business people and flight crews who are in town for just a few days crave adventure.

The LAST thing you need to be doing is staying at home with your parents, when now more than ever you NEED to be getting out there and meeting new women. Get moving.

This is about growing up and being a man.

-Frank B Kermit

author of I'm a Man, That's My Job

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2008):

anon_e_mouse agony auntIn my opinion the ONLY way to start the healing process and get over the relationship is to take time out. You need to cut contact with her until you've healed.

It was inevitable that following the break-up and remaining friends all the way through, without taking the time to heal, one of you was going to meet someone else, and then the other will have more feelings of hurt and jealousy.

For what it's worth I don't think you're obsessed at all. These feelings are perfectly normal under the circumstances. When I found out my EX had a new boyfriend about 1-2 weeks after we split I was angry. In fact, I was FURIOUS! I used to wonder whether she really loved him and all sorts. I had millions of questions all going round in my head whenever my mind wasn't kept busy.

However, I still kept my distance and had NO contact.

If she has a boyfriend now or not I couldn't care less. It's taken me 3-4 months to get completely over it. If she wanted to be friends now, I could deal with that but only because I've accepted the fact we weren't right for each other and my intial feelings of anger/frustration have turned into understanding/forgiveness.

Ok, this all sounds quite "misty" for a bloke but it's true :)

I wrote an article whilst dealing with the break-up which sort of explains what I did to cope and how. It certainly worked for me and others here have also found it useful:

Best o luck and let us know how you get on :)

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