A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles. Can you please help me! How do you define a 'loser'?? My BF calls me a 'loser' (we've been together for 5 years) and he also calls his exes and my friends 'losers'. It is really upsetting me because I don't feel as though I am a loser. I think we all have our faults and our strenths and overall people tend to see me in a positive light. I made a mistake when I was younger and got with the wrong guy and we had two children who are now grown up and at university. I have since been to university myself and got a degree and a masters degree and got a good job. I still haven't bought my own house but I am working towards that because being a single parent since 1997 it was economically quite hard at times. I was left with a debt to pay (an overdraft) which my ex partner got away with not paying and most of it is payed off now. My BF of 5 years does not live with me but he bought his house at a good price in the 80's boom and has nearly paid for it all. He was able to do this as he had only one child and was earning quite well and his ex wife looked after the child (although he now calls her names and said she did nothing etc etc). My daughter offered to help him out with something (some writing he had done) then got busy and was ill so couldn't help him so he accused me of asking her to do it to keep him sweet!!! He then says stuff like 'losers always use their kids'. Basically she has a first class English degree and he had written a short story he wanted published but it needed work done on it and he wanted her to make it easy for him. He was lucky she offered at all since she is so busy and was not well and has just had an operation. One of my male friends said he was being unreasonable and my BF called him a 'loser' as well and this guy is absolutely no way a loser. Everyone is a 'loser' according to my BF. He himself did not bother to try and progress at work and is quite lazy but the one thing he did achieve was buying this house (not in a good area but he sneers at where we live, which is actually in the less posh part of what is overall a very good area). He sneers at black people, people who live in council houses, people who are overweight, Indian people, you name it really...he always has something to say. He says I am a loser because I got with the wrong man 22 years ago and because I need to lose a bit of weight and still haven't bought my own house. I took him to the wedding of a friend last year and he made a comment to me that the bride had 'scabby skin' (she had an ovary problem years ago and was left with some scarring on her face after bad acne but she looked lovely at the wedding and is still pretty etc ..). I took him to another wedding where he offended a couple of the guests by making a racist 'joke'. I am at my wits end and my confidence is trashed because I am starting to think that yes, really, maybe other people do look at me from the outside and see me as a 'loser'. I feel so upset because I have actually known him for ten years and we were good friends and then we got together and I always knew he was difficult but he seems to be getting worse and worse as the years go on. I am nearly 45. (he is 51). Would I be better off on my own, trying to meet someone else?? I am feeling so down and upset. Any help would be much valued. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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acne, at work, confidence, debt, ex-wife, his ex, my ex, overweight, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Tell this looser that your loosing him- then kick him to the curb. He's got too much going on in his head to have anything going on in his heart. He's had his chance, now take yours. Life will get a whole lot better when you're not being treated like shit. Let him find "slim, rich woman with blond hair who agrees with everything he says" and bitch about all the women before her that screwed him over.She'd better be about 90... blond from a rinse and slim from old age, and agreeable because she's a shut in...
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (28 February 2010):
 Hi sweetie, when I found out how old your guy is at the end of your post my jaw dropped.
I thought he was in his early twenties from what you wrote.
Please dump this dreadful man. He'll just bring you down further and further as time goes on.
You need to be around positive people that build you up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Hello, this is the original poster here. Thanks for taking the time to offer your thoughts - much appreciated. Yes he does have low self esteem and cares desperately about what other people think of him, so he puts on a 'nice face' in public. He does act as though has an over inflated ego/falsely high idea of himself so I see what CG meant and that is exactly how my BF comes across, ie inflated self esteem but I agree that at the root of that is actually low self esteem - it's like a kind of reverse psychology?? In order not to loathe himself he has to convince himself that he is better than everyone. He is quite a fantasist too. He is very good at making something sound very different to what it is as he feels safe believing that everything about him is good and the rest of us are just 'crap' as he puts it! I find it very complicated to understand what goes on inside his head. One example is that he will read something in the paper that he disagrees with (usually about immigration or something) and this will put him in a bad mood and whoever gets in his way will get the brunt of his anger. He can on the other hand be loving affectionate and generous and soft hearted .. like a split personality. He blamed his ex wife for his temper and then me etc etc .. he says she wound him up and then he says he is not happy with me so this is why he is like this. He wants a slim, rich woman with blonde hair who agrees with everything he says. Also, he hardly gets any attention from women whereas I get a lot of attention from men (people say I have a more vibrant personality and am more reasonable) so he tries to put me down. Another example is my daughters, everyone says they are 'beautiful' but he says 'i don't see what all the big fuss is about - they're nothing special, just average looking girls'. Then when his son got a 2:2 instead of a 2:1 this year for his second year degree, he called him 'lazy as shit' but he ONLY says this because he is competing (ie my daughter got a first and he wants his son to 'beat' that) not because he really cares, although he does love his son in his own way. His son knows what his dad can be like and has said he loves his dad but his dad does annoy him. He said for example 'you can't talk to my dad about anything'. My BF acts as though he is caught in a time warp ie the 60's/70's and still thinks he is very young. He watches old films and old books and refuses to live in 2010 at all. It is hard to explain without writing pages and pages .. It is exhausting and like living with a small boy who never grew up at times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): It sounds as though your partner is insecure and has low self esteem. It doesn't sound as though he has achieved all that he wants so he projects his own feelings of failure onto other people! You are not a loser. We all make mistakes but you've worked hard and moved on from your ex. At 52 years old and with this attitude I think he should be appreciative that he has someone nice because he won't find it that easy to meet a good woman who will put up with him like you seem to have done. I think you would be better off taking a long hard think about your life. Yes five years is quite a long time but do you really need him. He needs to change but can he? You could probably do a lot better. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Faraday +, writes (28 February 2010):
 It's rare that I would disagree with "CG", but in this case I do! He does not have "an inflated sense of self esteem"; quite the opposite.
People who denigrate all and sundry do so because they have such a poor view of their own self-worth that they feel the need to bring everyone else down in order to boost themselves.
Life has shown that it never works and you need to leave this self-identified loser and find someone who values you for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): I think you boyfriend just isn't that nice of a person.
He makes you feel like crap, even though you have worked hard to keep you kids well fed and a roof over their heads.
He is rude and ignorant to how what a nice and hard working person you are.
From what you've said, I can't really see why you are with him. Are you lonely now that your kids have moved out?
I think you could do better, but it's really up to you to decide.
I think if you're going to stay together, then you're going to have to have a very serious conversation with him. Tell him that calling everyone loosers is unacceptable. Espeically calling you and your friends loosers is just plain horrible and mean. Tell him how hurtful it is, and how insulting. Maybe he just doesn't understand how his words can effect other people.
I don't quite understand his motives. If you really were a looser (which you are not), then why is he with you?
I know it would be hard to move on after five years of being with him. But think about yourself first. Do what is best for your happiness. BUT DON'T EVER let him make you feel that bad. EVER. Because no one is worth that.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 February 2010):
This guy is shocking. Hell yes you're better off by yourself. He has such an inflated sense of self esteem it's unbearable! He insults you, your friends, even a bride on her wedding day. You're not the loser, your friends aren't losers, the lovely bride wasn't a loser. He's the loser. Get rid of this poor example of a man and find a better one.
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