A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've had a very distressed relationship with my family since I was born really. It's pure dysfunction. My mom is mentally ill and I no longer communicate with her. Leaving me and my sister to look up to and rely on my dad as a sole parent for most of our life. As he was always much more functional and supportive. Perhaps since he was our only functional parent I exaggerated his strengths and minimized or denied his shortcomings. But as I've gotten older, through the passage of time, I feel more and more his shortcomings far outweigh his strengths. Throughout my 20's and 30's I distanced myself from him quite a bit as his actions often leave me shocked and devastated, and totally off balance, where I would curl up in bed and cry uncontrollably for days. My feelings were never validated as no matter how I felt I was told, "I'm too emotional," "too sensitive," "get over it," "get a life," you name it, I was told it. My sister is a product of our environment so she does not provide much support and in fact defends, minimizes and herself re enacts a lot of the same behaviors toward me. They'll say the cruelest things, totally abusive, things that if anybody said to a friend or a spouse, co worker or a distant relative, they would likely never talk to you again. I get that family members argue but in my family the insults and low blows are depraved and limitless. The fights are chaotic and uncivilized. And even worse, they will insult me or do something insulting and then when they're done, they act totally normal like nothing happened. Like, "oh hey, let's grab lunch!" No remorse. Like they don't even realize how unacceptable and horrible they've been. If confronted it's just, "suck it up and get over it."Before my wedding, naturally I was nervous of how they would behave. When it comes to me they set no boundaries in what they're capable of. But my husband assured me that if they misbehaved it would only make them look bad and to not worry. Well sure enough, at my rehearsal dinner, upon meeting my in laws and extended in laws for the first time, my father spent most of the dinner bashing me to my aunt and uncle in law (who he was sitting next to) and to anyone who would listen. He kept raising his voice to command the attention of everybody at the table and it was just a bash fest. Pulling up my failures and shameful things from my past. From ten years ago. Five years ago. Twenty years ago. He was on a roll. You name it, he threw it all on the table. He was dead set on shaming and humiliating me and trying to raise eyebrows and discredit me. But like my husband had previously said, everybody on his side of the family, including my husband, were convinced that my dad is legally crazy. Nobody judged me for it. My uncle in law was shocked and appalled. He later approached me and very tactfully yet concerned asked me what the deal was with my dad. He said that my dad told him I'm a liar, a troublemaker and that I'm pretending to be something I'm not, in addition to bringing up every failure I've had. He said to me, "I had my issues with my own father, as does everybody, however, that's a private matter. Not something you bring up at your daughters rehearsal dinner. No matter what a parent is suppose to talk you up and make you look good or just not say anything at all if he has nothing positive to add. But he was adamantly putting you down to us. At your own wedding." He was stunned. My sister, had been sitting right next to my dad at the dinner and heard everything. Later I told her what my in laws said and she said, "weird, I didn't notice anything. Dad wasn't rude. He was fine, everything was cool." Just played dumb and denied it. With that same expression on her face and that same tone I heard my whole life of, "you're imagining things, get over it, you're just way too sensitive." Knowing my sister as well as I do, had the shoe been on her foot she would've definitely noticed and would've been devastated. From that point on I did my best to ignore them and I had a great wedding and a great time with my true friends and family who were kind and supportive and talking me up. I've since cut all communication with my dad and my sister. Family can be embarrassing, I know. What makes this different is the intention. If my father had innocently brought up something embarrassing with no ill will, that's one thing. But he was with full awareness and intention, purposefully trying to shame and humiliate me to my in laws to manipulate their perceptions of me. And my sisters supposed "unawareness" was no accident either. She knew very well how inappropriate my dad was and intentionally denied it and minimized it. My husband brought up a good point. He said to me," If your dad can't stand dealing with you, cause you're so problematic, such a tumor, then why was he trying to hurt your chances to move on with your life. He should've been thrilled that you're getting married cause now you're no longer his "problem." You're my problem now. So why then try to sabotage our opinions of you, to try to hurt your marriage. Makes no sense right?" And I have two question I'm seeking advice for both equally important to have answered. And I'd like to preface my questions with letting you know that simply talking it out with them, in any way, shape or form, whether it's calmly, rationally, sitting, standing, hand written, verbal, whatever, doesn't make any difference because all attempts at rational communication with them is shut down by abusive tactics, gas lighting, minimization, denial, silent treatment, so that nothing ever gets resolved. And the lack of resolution leaves the same conditions unchallenged for the abuse to continue. And it's just a crazy cycle with no exit. That saying, "you can't argue with a crazy mind," holds so true in my family. First question is why? Why would they do this? Even though I'm a product of them, I don't behave that way and I don't understand it. And even if the answer will hurt me, I don't care, I'd like honest take on this. My second question is, is there any way to fix this? Is there any way they would ever change? Or is this just the way it is?The only thing that has worked for me so far is distance and cutting them out of my life and surrounding my self with loving support network. My husband and my friends see no point in me communicating with them and think I should cut ties for good. But I'd like to hear other people's perspective as well. Thank you for responding.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 I should also add and i'm sorry for not mentioning it prior, however, i am sorry for what you had to endure on one of the happiest days of your life, your wedding day.
You can still choose to remember it as that very special day and without all the drama of your Dad's "insane" behaviour.
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (15 November 2017):
I can strongly relate to you and what you've been and are going through.
I've dealt with much milder symptoms of what you regularly endure, but still, i have endured.
My advice would be, steer clear of all those who give you a hard time and find comfort in belittling you and only visit if/when absolutely necessary.
Also, do not fall into their trap by "breaking your silence".
Actually, silence really is golden, so let your Dad waffle on with his negative talk whilst you take the higher ground and remain impartial.
This doesn't mean that you allow people to walk all over you and to treat you like dirt in the presence of others, but it actually gives you much more holding power than you may realise.
You allow them to talk and you remain silent and if need be, you say goodbye and you walk away.
In the end, those who witness the negative behaviours will see that it's not YOU with the "real" issue, but the one who is SPEAKING.
Your Dad's you Dad and he knows you well.
He knows all your strengths and weaknesses and he prays on them, like a cat running after the mouse.
Yes, in our fantasies, it shouldn't ever be like this, but in the real world, it is.
Your Dad, believe it or not, is a very broken, insecure and jealous man, hence why he acts out and sees fit to belittle his own daughter.
He is reflecting his own "insecurities and weaknesses" onto YOU, because it makes HIM feel better, even though deep down, he knows he's failed as a person in numerous ways.
Your sister, she's too invested in keeping Dad happy and by appearing to be the "better" sibling, who has no issues and gets on well with Mum and Dad.
Your sister's most likely "glad" that the limelight is being deflected off her.
The funny thing is, people who behave this way and carry narcissistic and insecure personalities are only kidding themselves, because they know their truth deep down and yet, they don't realise that you can see right through them.
They think you're "blind" to the truth.
I would even go as far as to say, somebody like your Dad, he must know that you know his true colours, yet he's living in his own "denial" and acting as though he's bigger and better than you in the presence of others.
Why do parents clash with their own children?
That's my question.
My situation is with my Mother.
We both love each other and we both get on quite well, especially these days, but i still keep my distance, because everything i say and all i do will always get a reaction and not a very positive one at that.
I won't tolerate her negative, insecure, very jealous and competitive behaviour, that i've decided to stay away from her as much as possible, UNLESS i have to go and visit her.
I know she'll talk, accuse and gossip, but i don't allow it to affect me anymore.
She's been a great Mum over the years and we've spent many a time together and when people see us together they wouldn't have a clue as to what transpires, because for the most part, we're amicable and we do show love, to the best of our abilities.
If she's alone or unwell, i'll be the first there for her and i do look after her, even with all that's transpired, however, i feel safer keeping to myself at times.
I love her, i respect her and i don't wish to argue with her, so i maintain a wide berth throughout the year.
It's sad, because i'd love to be closer to her and i'd love her to be more understanding and much less judgemental, as well as not being so jealous/critical of her own daughter, but i can't change her.
I can only change ME and how i behave.
It took a lot for me to share this information with you and to be so transparent, however, i thought you may be able to relate and to realise that you're not alone.
I'm sure you've felt similar feelings too and that'd be very normal, because after all, this is your Father.
Sometimes, it can be very hard to get close to our own blood family/relatives, because they do make it hard for us and it's at this moment that we must make serious decisions about what's best for US.
Life is short and nobody really wants to spend their entire life at odds with their own parents and families, however, sometimes this is the only way that we actually can get on and get by.
If you feel you cannot remain silent anymore and you'd like to talk to your Dad, then choose a time when only you and he are present and really have it all laid out on the table.
What i can say, it may make a wee bit of a difference, however, he may eventually head straight back down the same pathway.
He may improve, but he may not, so be prepared for that too.
I bet you feel drained after being around your Dad when he's talking so negatively about you?
He carries toxic energy and this energy is so, so bad for you, so keeping away is always best.
You can maintain contact, from time to time, if you choose and if you must, via the phone, or via text, because this way, he holds no power over you, he cannot embarrass you and you can end the conversation if/when you see fit.
You are blessed and you've met and married somebody who loves you and respects you, so focus more on that and choose to be happy regardless.
If your Father wishes to make a complete fool of himself in the presence of your husband and his entire family, then let him.
Trust me, they can all see who the real "bad seed" is.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): I agree with other posters.You have the right to do what is best for yourself. Do not let social conventions trap you. Just because he's your father doesn't mean he's not hurting you. Just because she's your sister doesn't mean she's not making wrong choices.It's very common for a family like yours to pick a scapegoat. A parent with narcissistic tendencies needs a child who will forever be a problem and uses a sibling to strengthen this point of view. Sibling, not wanting to find herself at the shorter end of the stick, goes along.My husband managed in his mid-thirties to get rid of some toxic family relationships. Including his narcissistic, abusive father, borderline and egotistic mother and some relatives who stood by not only watching the abuse (beatings, insults, neglect), but sometimes using the child, that he was, hungry for love and attention, to do errands or simply keep them company when they felt like not being alone.Be prepared that this change will be seen as your husband's fault. They will most probably never be able to accept that you grew up strong and smart, realized what was happening and decided to put an end to that.My husband gave all of them a chance (including his mother), but they didn't want it. All they were interested in was staying in the pattern of toxic behaviour. Just accept things you cannot change. I know it's hard. Use the energy you have to move on and build healthy relationships and a future for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
 Firstly, big hug. No matter what age we are, we are conditioned to need and look up to our parents. When they let us down in some way (actual or perceived), it still hurts, like when we were children. But here is the GOOD news: you are no longer a child and you CAN move away from this for your own good. And you don't need anyone's permission to do it. You don't need your family's permission and you certainly don't need the permission/approval of someone on line.
You have already discovered that the only thing that works for you is distance. What is wrong with that? It WORKS. You don't NEED to be in contact with your family if all they bring you is pain and confusion. You already KNOW from years of experience that this is the only answer (unpalatable as it is). You are just having trouble accepting it because you feel families SHOULD be together. You feel you have failed in some way because you have tried for so many years to "fix" your family. You need to accept that not all families are healthy or supportive. As you have pointed out, if friends did this to you, you would probably never speak to them again. You are in your 30s. You no longer NEED your family. You have a lovely husband who sounds very supportive. Keep contact with your family to a minimum (if any).
As to WHY your father does this, well sweetheart, it sounds from your post like he is an insecure bully who believes he can treat you whatever way he likes because YOU ALLOW IT. He is losing his grip on you so a wedding is a perfect time to try to claw back some of that control by trying to make you look bad in the eyes of others. He had his attempt. It failed.
Remember, nobody can MAKE you feel bad about yourself without your permission. So your dad brought up mistakes and wrong doings from your past. Tell me, who doesn't have a past and who hasn't made mistakes? As my dear mother used to say, the only person who hasn't made any mistakes is the person who hasn't lived at all. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL occasionally get it wrong. That is part of life, part of learning, part of growing up. He chooses to rub your face in your mistakes because it is the only way he can think of to make you insecure enough to rely on him.
To turn this whole situation around, YOU have CHOICES in how to react when your father abuses you. You can CHOOSE to walk away and ignore him. You can CHOOSE to be hurt. You can even CHOOSE to laugh. You can CHOOSE to react ANY way you like. Listen to your husband. He sounds like a wise man. Stop expecting ANY support from your family. You are now a married woman with a lovely husband. Make your own life away from your family and CHOOSE to be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): Your dad knows he has been a failure of a father to you. He feels you're moving-up and away from your family-dysfunction. It kills him to know you've found something better for yourself; yet you're still capable of being a loving and caring individual. In spite of all you've been through.
Your sister has resolved herself to just accept it as it is. Don't fault her for how she chooses to cope. She prefers to live in denial and pretend it isn't that bad. Maybe it isn't for her. She adapts to it, because it's who she is too.
If all truth be known, it makes them both feel terrible how they've treated you. He hates how nice your husband and in-laws are to you; and figures you now feel you're better than he and the rest of your family. So he took his best shot at derailing your happiness; and supposedly letting them know you're no better than they are. You never tried to fool anybody. Your husband loves you, that's all that matters.
Why did he do what he did? Only because he's behaving within his usual character. Being the guy you've always known him to be. He feels ashamed and embarrassed; but he wants to drag you back down with him. He sees you rising above the life you left behind. In his own twisted way, he hates to see you go. Oh, but you must! Time to move on.
Like your husband astutely observed, your dad realizes you've found love; and an escape from the misery and torture you've known since you were a child.
He wanted to evoke guilt, destroy your self-esteem, and shame you; so you won't feel good enough for your new family. He hates the thought of you looking down your nose at the rest of them. He is a wretched and embittered man for what he did at the dinner; but he probably feels he did the best he could for you, as far as he knows. No one likes to look like a failure. He tried to deflect negative-opinions about him by projecting onto you; but it didn't work.
His behavior was born of shame for the past; which begot more shame when he acted-out.
He knows they have some idea of the kind of a man he is; because he thinks you've told them. In actuality, the truth exposed itself. Opinions and judgements made, will be based on his performance at the table. The way he attempted to hurt his own daughter at a time of family-celebration and unification. It may have also been enhanced by too much alcohol and intoxication.
If you're in your 40's, the rest of the family is way too old to change their ways. They are who they are, and will remain who they are. Distance and avoidance will improve your family-relations on many levels. Appear only when a family-crisis, or a life-or-death emergency demands an obligatory visit.
Cherry-pick your timing and the events that require your presence; and minimizing the length of time you're involved in family-matters. Like a military-strike, go quickly in and quickly out.
We can only live and move-on when we practice kindness and forgiveness. That does not require you to remain in close-contact with those you've forgiven. You leave them to their penance and pray for their redemption.
You can put as much distance behind you as you wish. If you can't clear your head; or if depression or grief overtakes you. You must seek professional-counseling to help you cope with any residual family-trauma. It could trickle into your marriage; so deal with it only to recover from it.
Look forward, don't look back. You've started a new chapter, so bury the past. Unless you need the drama, leave it behind. Make a good life for you and your husband.
Best wishes towards your future with your new husband.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
 Why does he do it?
1. he CAN.
2. Because he knows he gets a reaction out of you. It gives him "power" somehow.
3. He probably has some narcissistic sociopath tendencies.
You sister? Because it's EASIER to join your dad and throw YOU under the bus than HER being the target. Deflection.
YOU cannot fix or change him (or her) but you CAN decide if that is how you wish for ANYONE (family or otherwise) to treat you. All you CAN control or change is how YOU react.
I say he could have narcissistic sociopath tendencies - but I can't diagnose him just point out that people with those traits get "off" and feel an enormous sense of power and satisfaction when they belittle and humiliate others. Whether those are family or stranger really doesn't matter - though with family (like you) he KNOWS how you will react, he knows you will try and brush it off and he will get a sense of "winning" EVERY time.
Making himself the center of attention at YOUR wedding by trashing you? Prime example. Any attention is all good to him. Making YOU look like crap? Win! Horrifying the guests? Win!
People like that FEED of energy - negative energy mostly. And they drain people around them.
Personally? I don't think family gets free passes to do this. I would cut them out of my life.
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