A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This is a family question, my daughter doesn't know who her biological father is but from the time she was a baby my boy friend has been her dad and plans on adopting her. She knows that he's not her bio dad. Her bio dad had his rights terminated, he molested a girl and watched child porn before. He said if she ever wants to know him he'd be willing to talk to her and told me that she would end up hating me from not letting her know him if she wanted to. My question is do you think she would resent me or understand it's for the best or do you think she should get a choice still? Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): Unfortunately, Chigirl, some people (particularly girls) romanticise bad characters. My cousin is in her late 20s and has always idolised her father, even though he's in an American prison for kidnapping, armed robbery and murder. He's been locked away since before she was born or just after, she's visited him a few times in her childhood and presumably since, and she intends to take her new baby to see him in the next couple of years.She's always been an irresponsible party girl and that hasn't stopped since she had her baby a few months ago. Her baby is the product of an affair with her married boss, who has a child within his marriage too. Who knows what she'll tell her baby about her (the baby's) father and grandfather, but my cousin seems to have a romanticised view of both.That's why you need to be careful, OP. Absolutely do NOT lie to her. Don't make up lesser crimes and don't try to make her hate him. Be honest, but age appropriate. Add little details when she's old enough to understand them. At 7/8/9, you can tell her he's in prison (not which one) for doing bad things. At 12ish, you can tell her he hurt a little girl as well as other crimes. At 15/16, you can tell her the whole thing.I think you should consult a therapist when she's about 11, to ask them how to handle it and her reactions to it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 I don't think she will care. You can tell her who he is, but she will probably not feel a need to ever "get to know" her bio dad. She already has a father, your boyfriend. You don't miss what you don't have, and you surely never miss having a toxic influence in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): Parents have to do a lot of things to protect their children; and sometimes even adult-children may harbor resentment for one reason or another.
To deliberately deceive a child is harmful; but to withhold certain details about a parent that is too much for their understanding is proper parenting. You are fulfilling a moral-duty as her mother and protector.
You don't divulge details about sexual-misconduct or other graphic details; but you can provide a version of the truth that is age-appropriate.
You cannot deceive a child into believing someone who is living is dead; or try to create animosity towards another parent, based on your own feelings. At the appropriate age, a child should know everything about their origins. They might search on their own, regardless of what they're told anyway. They learn tidbits from other people, and slips of the tongue.
You wouldn't want a strange-man walking-up to your child and identifying himself as her father. She doesn't live in a bubble. You can't protect her from her own curiosity when she reaches an age she can research for herself. That could be as early as 12!
Withhold unnecessary graphic-details until you know there is a point in her life she should know things. She would only resent you for lying or hiding the truth. You can even provoke more curiosity; if you hide things, or create stories she may later determine to be untrue.
You can and should inform the child that her real father was institutionalized for a very serious crime; and explain that is why he was not allowed to be near her. He did something unhealthy and dangerous to a young girl, and broke other laws.
Going too much into defamation and characterizing him as "bad" is trying to manipulate and influence her feelings about him, without her truly knowing him. Don't make teaching hatred a part of your parenting.
Eventually he will be released; and he will become a free-citizen. He will become a registered sex-offender indefinitely. You can no more control how she may feel about her biological-father; than you can control how she feels about some juvenile-delinquent she falls in-love with when she becomes a rebellious teenager.
Focus more on the nature and severity of his crimes; so she fully understands why you don't want him around her.
Misunderstanding, lies, and deception causes resentment.
It's better to explain the crime and it's consequences; and allow her to use her own judgement once she's in her teens. She is likely to form her own opinions; no matter how you try to influence her feelings or what she thinks about her own biological-father. Behavior most typical of teenagers.
She will resent you for a variety of reasons; because that's normal teenage-behavior. She can't hate you for being a loving and protective mother.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 Honeypie is totally right. Make it age-appropriate. Don't tell her his crime until she's old enough to understand - i.e 15 or so. Until then, keep it simple. First name only. Basic description that fits lots of other men.
Explain this to your family too, so they don't overshare.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
 I don't know her age so this is cursory advice.
IF she asks, WHO is my dad I would tell her that he wasn't a good man but that he gave you the best gift in the world, which is her. You can (if she asks) tell her his name (first name only). If she asks what he looks like you can give a short description. Like, brown eyes and hair or blond/blue or whatever he was/is.
I would NOT go into details while she is little. No need for that. IF she, when she gets older (talking TWEEN/TEENAGE) asks more you can give her some of the basic things like WHY his parental rights were terminated. And that you WANT her and every other child to be safe FROM him. And BE prepared to answer questions like why did you date him if he was a "bad" guy, etc. LET her set the question and you answer HONESTLY but without too much detail.
I think if you "pretend" he never existed she will be WAY more interested in him and might even seek him out. Not hard to find people online these days. Which is WHY I would make sure she knows that he wasn't a "good" person and he did some horrible stuff - that SHE is the ONLY good thing that came from him. Make sure SHE knows that HIM being a piece of crap person doesn't mean SHE is.
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