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My boyfriend's sexual past worries me

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2018)
A female Canada age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Im currently dating this man whose been sexually active since a very young age. Well at first he didn't tell me about it, everything was going awesome, until we got too comfortable and he decided to share some personal things about him. He told me his baby sitter was making him touch her private areas, and he was only 6 years old. He never told his parents about it. One year later his father died, and his mom turned into an alcohol addict, and he told me that his mom never had time to raise him right since she was just drunk and depressed. He was having sex with his neighbor's daughter, they would sneak into a room and have sex, she was 11 and he was just 8. And at the age of 14 he had sex with an adult man. He even had a Facebook page where he was in sex group chats and would only use it for his own sexual satisfaction. I was SHOCKED, Because he seemed like a gentleman at first. I got uncomfortable since he told me that. Since he said that, i started questioning what he truly is. And i do still have a feeling that he still have a weird behavior and a tendency to do these stufd again since his friends just talk about sex and get drunk, he would tell me that he never drink however his friends push him to do so. Should i be worried? Is there any chance that he would change or should i just leave him?

View related questions: depressed, drunk, facebook, sexual past

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (16 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntNobody goes in to there sexual history when they first start dating, but he obviously trusted you when he opened up to you. However you seem to be worrying about yourself here, have you been a support for him? You do realize that he has been a victim of sexual assault and he needs help?

He as 6 years old when the abuse started. Only a child, how very sad. His head must be all over the place. I cannot imagine what he is going through! The poor boy! To top in off he lost his father so young and his mother choose drink over him. He has had such a tough time!

He had to fend for himself while grieving and also dealing with sexual abuse!

At the ages of 8 and 11 I would call that rape! She should have known better at her age. She should have known it was wrong to have sex with an 8 year old child. Girls mature quicker than boys and at 11 she should have known better.

Again at 14 he did not have sex, it was RAPE! A huge difference. An adult took advantage of him as a teenager. He probably saw him lost and vunerable this poor guy was. Don't ever call it sex, that is not what it was! The facebook page with the sex groups was probably the way he thought people showed they cared. The only attention he got as a child was sexual abuse, so he more or less seeked it out to find comfort, to try and feel that someone was giving him attention! My heart breaks reading this.

Off course you where shocked, but why does this not make him a gentleman? Young lady he has had a tough life with a lot of abuse, never judge him and make out that he is any less of a gentleman because of what happened to him as a child. You have no idea what mess his mind is in, the poor poor boy!

What he truly is? Really? My gosh you should be sad for him, not blame him! I think you are still immature and you have a lot to learn in life!!

Off course he is still going to behave weird, he has been abused since he was a child and no parents to save him or help him! I am sure he is lost, he needs a lot of professional help! His friends are going to talk about sex they are young adults, there is nothing wrong with that!

It is his choice if he wants to drink alcohol, the poor boy probably is easily influenced in this life!

Yes you should be worried, for him, for that poor lost boy whos childhood got snatched away before he even had a fair chance in life.

Yes I think you should leave him, or at least encourage him to get help. I understand that you are young and this would be a lot to take on, but he does need to see someone to help him through this, maybe you can talk him around.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe's not ready for a relationship and you're not ready for one like this. He's been repeatedly sexually abused and need to get professional help. Don't think of it )or refer to it) as sex; it was rape and abuse of a minor.

Someone I know was sexually abused in his mid-teens and he's so sexually confused now, in his mid-20s. He has almost no sex drive and no interest in sex. Then every so often he wants to have sex, but isn't sure if it's with guys or girls. He has mental illnesses that are largely affected by it, etc. He needs professional help too, which he'll hopefully get once his life settles into a routine.

I don't think it will be good or healthy for either of you to be in this relationship. Encourage him to get help for these things because they will affect him for the rest of his life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou BF has been sexually abused and needs professional help and guidance. Something you can not give him.

It is probably why he is acting out sexually through that Facebook sex-chat group.

I know it's NOT his fault for what has happened to him, but I think it's too much for YOU to handle at your age.

I ABSOLUTELY agree with WiseOwlE on the points that:

1. he NEEDS help more than he needs a GF

2. he KNOWS you feel sympathy and pity over his past and that in turn gives him an advantage and makes it harder for you to dump him.

He isn't making healthy choices, most likely DUE to his experiences/abuse and that will AFFECT you as well.

I think the reason you wrote in is because you KNOW that the guy is not in a healthy state of mind. And this is something YOU CAN NOT fix no matter how much you care.

I hope he seeks therapy and gets help.

And I think, you "deserve" a more "carefree" relationship at your age.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

Yes, I think you should be worried; because he's only around 18, and none of this stuff is that far behind him.

He is also heavily influenced by his friends, and be that the case; you will always be competing with those friends, who'll pull him one-way. While you'll want him to go another. They don't want him to change; because getting drunk and being social-rejects is what they prefer to be. If he changes, they will tell him he thinks he's better than they are; and will quickly remind him of all his flaws.

That's what the bad-crowd does to manipulate and control. They will do everything they can to sabotage any budding-relationship you attempt to create. I hate to admit it, but that would actually be to your benefit. It will keep you apart, or always off-balance. Better for you!

You don't really need a guy like him in your life. Yes, he has a sad-story. You aren't accustomed to shocking things like he told you. Nice girls are softies for brooding bad-boys; but these guys often do them more harm than good.

Either you listen to wisdom, or learn the hard-way. His true colors will eventually show. He can subdue them, and put on a nice-guy facade; because there's something he wants. So he will turn on all the charm, and tell you his secrets. The scary secrets! That's the catcher! Girls love that! Thinking that means he trusts them. Others have heard his story. Trust me! He's counting on your empathy and naivete! You're a smart girl, thus you submitted a post about this!

You obviously didn't share this with your parents, you know what their immediate reaction would be!

Stories like his gets sympathy. Girls think they can heal or save these guys! It takes professional-counseling, therapy, and adult-supervision; not a sympathetic starry-eyed girlfriend.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, nor frighten you. I will only plant a seed of wisdom; that I hope will sprout into common-sense. The rest is up to you. Just the fact you sought advice tells me that seed is in fertile soil. My only intent is to protect and educate you. That's why I'm here.

You definitely don't need to be exposed to him, or his friends!

Your feelings are now attached (his sad-story sealed the deal); so it won't be easy to make a good decision. I think you will; once you determine how willing he is to please his buddies, as opposed to staying on the straight and narrow. You can't make him do that; as young foolish girls often believe. If things were as they should be, those friends wouldn't even exist. If he doesn't drink, how and why did he make friends with the likes of them? They share something in-common! Thus your common-sense is in high-alert! You have good instincts! That's why you're uncomfortable. Your good-upbringing has prepared you! That doesn't detract from your own intelligence, mind you!

Those guys have known him longer, and share his flaws and imperfections; so they will have a greater influence over what he says and does. Also over how much time he spends with you.

Those things that happened to him when he was very young were all due to dysfunction and the lack of adult-guidance, no haven for protection, and no parenting in his life. He has psychological-scars; and his behavior will be seriously affected by them. Though they won't be apparent on the surface. It's what you don't see that can hurt you!

I think your young man needs some serious therapy; because the things he went through leaves serious damage behind. Children don't have sex at 8! It was not truly consensual-sex he had with a man. Sex between an adult and a minor is perverted and criminal. That was sexual-molestation of a minor; which is a crime! He was manipulated, he didn't have the judgement to know any better.

I really think this young man is too much for you; and I think he needed someone to talk to. It's why he unload all these very heavy issues on you. They no-doubt cause him pain. They also get sympathy-sex!

He needs professional-counseling and guidance more than he needs a girlfriend. You now know whom you're dealing with; and you have to learn to make choices that are only good for you. No matter how sorry you may feel for the guy. Bad-boys are really sweet in the beginning; but they show-out as time passes.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (10 August 2018):

fishdish agony auntI think that's a TON to take on. Let's say that he is completely not ever going to have a sex problem with you in your relationship: fine. He has an enormous amount of sexual trauma and baggage he needs to work through, not to mention the grief of losing a father and trauma of alcoholic mother. I dated a guy in my 20's who had severe alcoholic red flags and his father committed suicide, essentially in front of him. That stuff was awful. In some ways I'm happy I was there for another human being, but in a lot of other ways, it dragged me down so much. There's so much a person like that has to work through.My personal feeling is that's a lot of baggage, and at this age, you should look for a companion who is more light on the baggage. You're young you should be having fun. Not saying you can't get in committed relationships, but again, just know that you're going to absorb,tackle, and take on a lot of stuff that you DON'T have to.

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