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Two guys and I'm confused about which one to pick

Tagged as: Dating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, *3chelciemarie writes:

Hi guys!

I am starting to date again after the end of my 6-year relationship that ended last year.

This has never been a problem of mine before, but I am currently seeing two guys.

Guy 1: 10 years older (35), is decently successful in his career, and on paper is doing everything someone would want a guy to do. Which is that he basically wants to see me a lot. Any free time he has, he is asking me to see him or do things with him. (Lunch, drinks, dates, etc.) It's honestly a little fast for me, and I also feel like he's coming on a bit too strong after we've only been involved for a couple weeks now.

Guy 2: Same age as me, works in the same field, a musician on the side (like myself). I started seeing him about 6 months ago, but it was strictly a hookup relationship (which is what I wanted at the time since I was still getting over my breakup). We ended up kind of drifting apart back in May, but then he started reaching out to start getting drinks/going on dates, around the same time Guy#1 came into the picture.

My dilemma is that, I don't really feel interested in Guy#1, and really would like to pursue Guy#2.

But I feel like this could potentially be a bad decision because I don't want to end up getting screwed over by Guy#2 , since Guy#2 is technically the riskier choice. Seeing how our relationship started, and how near the end of it (in May) I realized I started to like him and felt it was only a hookup type of relationship. He hasn't really given me CLEAR signs that he is more a "Hookup type/Player", but there are slight signs there, which I don't want to completely overlook.

I also feel like maybe I am not completely interested in Guy#1 because Guy#2 came around the same time, and maybe I'm not giving Guy#1 a fair chance?

I don't know, I just don't want to make a stupid decision like I did in the past with my EX, because I really feel like I've grown and learned a lot, and I don't want to put myself in a bad situation with Guy#2, even though he hasn't completely shown me anything that "Red Flag" yet.

Any advice would be appreciated. Should I give Guy#1 more of a chance, even though, I don't feel that compelled to date him much?

View related questions: my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIts nice to see that you have came out of your relationship from the other side and you are now ready to settle with someone else!

But honestly I dont think either of these men are the right one for you! Remember there are more options out there and these are not the only two guys you have to choose from. It is best staying single until you find someone who you know is right for you and you are not struggling with who to pick.

Guy number one sounds lovely. It sounds like he has his head strung on and he is making a good life for himself! It is clear he is interested in you as he wants to spend as much time with you as he can. It is also clear that he wants to settle down and he is moving to fast for you. I would imagine that is where the age difference comes in, at 35 he is probably ready to settle down with someone and begin his future as a couple. But you are at a different stage in your life and he is being to much for you already. So I do think the best thing to do is nip it in the bud now so he doesn't get hurt down the line, because it does sound like he is really interested.

Guy number two. It is clear you both have a lot in common and you are both at the same stages in life. However starting out as a hook up might not be the best basis off a relationship. I understand it is what you wanted at the time with him and there is nothing wrong with that, but it can leave it difficult for him to take you serious as a girlfriend. You both drifted apart which tells me there was no real feelings there on both your parts or else it would have lasted longer.

You don't feel interested in 1 so you have your answer, end it so he doesn't get hurt. Don't just settle for him because he likes you.

You would like to pursue 2 but do you think he feels the same? Is he giving off the vibe that he now wants something serious? Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel, but either way end it with 1, dont string him along. 2 gave you clear signs off who he is so take that as a warning. You will more than likely end up getting hurt if you want more and he doesn't.

2 showed you the red flag already when he told you he was a player. You say you have your head screwed on so use it wisely.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2018):

I agree with the others. If neither are making themselves felt as the one you want to be with, then you don't feel strongly enough for either.

If you want to pursue guy#2, then go for it, but with your eyes open.

I would also like to add, that if a man is coming on too strong in too short a time and trying to monopolise your time, then that is the red flag that I can see. That is not a good sign. From what you've said, I would be wary of guy#1.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with N91,

NEITHER. Option 1... no. He is not a great match and is pushing for a lot more than you are able and willing to give right now. Maybe because you don't REALLY want him or maybe because you sense he is pushing too much because he is not being his honest self but SELLING you an ideal BF. OR... both.

Option 2 started out as a F-buddy. It suited you fine as a sort of "physical rebound" after your long term relationship ended. However, HE is seemingly FINE with just "hooking up". Slight signs he wants anything else are just CRUMBS to get you to be available for the hooking up.

So, in short? Neither. I think you need to start over if looking for something more serious or substantial.

If you do chose either of these guy you will continue to wonder (when things get rough) if you made the right choice.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2018):

N91 agony auntIf you feel like you have to weigh up the pros and cons of who to choose to romantically pursue then the answer is neither.

Relationships form naturally, they don’t come by ‘who’s the better option’.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI agree totally with wiseowl. You shouldn't have to agonize over someone. You either feel something for them or you don't. If you have to ask other people or make lists ect..then neither one is really right for you. Its just that simple

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 August 2018):

Usually in these "I can't choose" situations you don't have a true emotional-connection to either one of them. Opt-out when you can't choose; because odds will have it that either is a bad-choice.

Indecision is often our common-sense and logic telling us we are choosing something for all the wrong reasons. We live in a materialistic, social media-driven society; and it has somewhat obscured how we think and live. Entitlement overrules the heart, and you want something for all the wrong reasons.

Try something old-fashioned. If you don't feel anything deep in your heart that draws you; you're just thinking below the waist.

Just a little old-fashioned wisdom. Take it or leave it.

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