A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So we've been dating for a while- my boyfriend and I. We are at the point where we've told each other that we love one another. And I do love him dearly. I really do.But there is a problem. My boyfriend has aggressiveness issues. He is incapable of being aggressive. At all. To make things perfectly clear, there is being too aggressive and then there is being the right amount of aggressive. He never shows any form of negative emotion at all unless we are alone.His mother believes it is because his father was an alcoholic and far too aggressive (eg. Try to punch his older brothers, Calling his mother horrible names, Threatening to commit suicide when his mother took him and his brother and left, Calling his oldest brother really a failure of a son). She thinks he is scared of becoming like his father so he just doesn't even show an ounce of anything negative.A lot of people might think this is a good thing, but there are appropriate times to be upset and stick up for yourself or those around you. When these times show up, my boyfriend fails to step up and take command. He just does what he always does, which is to smile and pretend everything is okay. Sometimes when we're alone later, he'll remove his mask and show his true feelings- annoyance, sadness, and sometimes fear.This has become a problem when people disrespect him and he doesn't do anything. Numerous times I've protected him from it, but he always asks me not to. I think he's afraid of upsetting people or maybe he's scared I'll turn into his father if I become too aggressive. I'm not really sure.It's worth noting now that he and I have only had one prior relationship to our current one together. Both were extremely abusive and controlling. We were friends at the time but never knew the extent of how bad things were. I was beaten, raped, verbally and emotionally abused and abducted. He was coerced into things he didn't want to do, stalked, set up, cheated on (by her with his friends), verbally abused, controlled and threatened (she threatened suicide on many accounts if he were to leave because she "loved him so much").Prom is also an extremely sore bit for me because I was supposed to go, but my boyfriend at the time refused to let me.He has lied to me about many things about that particular relationship. The trust in our relationship was shot afterwards but started building back up. There are many, many sore spots and it's difficult to forgive many things. But I was working on it until this happened:The other night was an award ceremony made up for him. Plenty of family and friends and colleagues were there to support him. A photo montage thing was playing on a laptop. He dragged me over to look at it and the first thing that popped up was his prom photo with her and they were smiling.I ran away trying not to cry while he stayed behind smiling with everyone as they talked about what "an awesome photo it was". It was awful for me.He mother was the one that chased after me and convinced me not to leave and told me she understood.Later, my boyfriend found me. He told me he didn't know those would be there. I told him I knew, but that I still felt there was a responsibility on his part to calmly say something along the lines maybe of "Do you think we could remove some of the photos on this? They are offensive to me and I'd rather not see them."That's it. It's very polite and not angry or anything. I know they upset him too, but to him it's just another thing to ignore. To me it's a reminder of everything that could have gone wrong in high school and that he betrayed me when he did.I asked him to find these photos and get rid of them. He told me he would but I don't believe him.He's my boyfriend and my partner. I think he should stick up for me when it's inappropriate for me to do so. If I'm half as important as he says I am to him, shouldn't my emotional welfare mean more to him than that?This isn't the first time his passiveness has caused problems. There have been many times when I've gotten hurt by his best friend (who really seems to hate me) and he's just watched and smiled.I don't think he does it because he likes seeing me hurt. I think he does it because he isn't sure what to do. It's just seems all too obvious to me what to do, though.We're at that point where it's either he has to start taking charge over these things or he needs to go. I just don't want to see him leave...I'm not sure he understands just how upset I am. I can't go through these constant reminders anymore. I just can't.He and I aren't talking right now. I'm not sure why, he just won't talk to me. Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Hey there, I think I understand your position to an extent. I am currently in a relationship with a girl that I love very dearly and wouldn't change for the world. I am extremely unaggressive. I grew up with a mom with bipolar disorder and I was mentally abused severly as a child. I avoid confrontation not because I don't want to become my mother, but because the severity of my mothers aggression made me realize just how pointless an emotion anger really is. I see no need in getting angry over words, because they can't hurt anybody. At the same time, I do have a snapping point. I've only ever reached that point once in my entire life. Neither my girlfriend nor my friends have ever seen me truly angry before. I can tell you this however, just because he shows it differently doesn't mean he doesn't care. I have high functioning autism, and display my emotions much differently than most other people. My girlfriend accepts this and loves me for who I am. And if anybody layed a hand on her, my family, or said the right thing to me about either of them, I would lay their ass out. You have to pick your own wars, and something many men and women alike often fail to notice is this - anybody can pick a fight or respond aggressively to a situation, but it takes a very special kind of man to be the better man and avoid a fight at any cost.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 August 2012):
 Honestly, I think YOU are the one with the issues. You sounds immature, controlling, selfish and honestly, like you need to get a clue.
HE didn't ruin your Prom, your ex did, however you DID ruin his Award Ceremony. HE does have a past, he DID have a GF before you, and YES he took her to the prom.. Those pictures has NOTHING to do with you. They are part of HIS past.
When you say it's a problem that your BF isn't aggressive you are wrong. He doesn't like confrontations. He doesn't like drama. If his Best Friend is being rude/mean whatever to you, talk to your BF in private about it. THIS IS who he is. He isn't going to be MACHO MACHO man. It's not how he is. It's not what he has been taught by his mom. His mom who DID leave an aggressive abusive man taught her son that there is a better way.
I think you have an idea of what a man should be like, but that doesn't mean your BF will automatically become THAT guy.
Accept him for who he is, or let him go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 "This has become a problem when people disrespect him and he doesn't do anything. Numerous times I've protected him from it, but he always asks me not to. I think he's afraid of upsetting people or maybe he's scared I'll turn into his father if I become too aggressive. I'm not really sure."
He's asking you not to because it's HIS issue, not yours. He needs to deal with this himself, and he doesn't want you to be his mommy. It is humiliating for a man if the woman needs to "protect" him. You should stop doing it. This is something he needs to deal with on his own.
He's not incapable of showing agression, when he's alone with you he shows it. But he doesn't want others to see his feelinsg, that is what's going on. Showing feelings of hurt, or agression, is like opening up yourself and say "I'm weak, look, you managed to hurt me or upset me". He's associated expressions of feelings with being weak for so many years now, that's why he doesn't show feelings. He doesn't want people to know they can get to him. It's a self protection thing.
It could also be that he fears he'll react like his dad, if he does decide to let go and let his feelings show. Growing up with a dad like that he hasn't learned to react in proportion to the situation. It could be he only knows two ways of reaction (such as I did when I was his age). Either you're keeping your cool, or you're blowing off like a hurricane. Maybe he doesn't know how to let out just a little. Maybe his only options are to smile, or to punch them. Given those two options you understand why he chooses to smile instead.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up and develop his reactions. I think he probably will learn how to do this, in time. But it can take years. I was the opposite of your boyfriend. I knew two ways of reaction, either I don't care at all (completely on the sideway, even more passive than your boyfriend), or I would do like my dad did... which was go out 100% maniac. When I started to let out my feelings and showing others when I was hurt... oh, well. You wouldn't want to the in my way. I was very agressive, verbally and physically abusive, for several years. I hurt many. But then I learned to take control over my emotions, and through years of practicing, making errors, and having patient people around me, I've learned better ways to respond. Not exactly perfect yet, and I can come off as very very stern and overly emotional at times. But I've stopped being abusive.
What I mean to say is that... your boyfriend could be going through the same thing. It's a very personal journey to make, and it's a journey that takes several years.
I think that you need to be patient with him, and mature a lot as well. You need to take care of your own feelings, rather than depend on him to help you out. Such as when his friend puts you down. Stand up for yourself, and then set demands. Maybe you and your boyfriend can stop hanging out with this friend of his.
Talk about things in private. You said he opens up to you when you are alone, which is good. Talk about things when you are alone, discuss them. Remind him of how certain things made him feel, so that he forms an opinion. Have several conversations about expressions of feelings. Don't try to analyze him, but offer him your time to listen to him. Let him vent. When he's comfortable opening up to you, he will probably start opening up to others as well.
But always keep your own cool. Be the example that he can follow on how to deal with situations appropriately. Give him the tools he needs in order to respond appropriately, such as telling him what you told us:
"I still felt there was a responsibility on his part to calmly say something along the lines maybe of "Do you think we could remove some of the photos on this? They are offensive to me and I'd rather not see them." That's it. It's very polite and not angry or anything."
Teach him some lines he can use and things he can say that expresses his feelings without being anrgy. He needs to learn. If you want to be with him you need to be veeeery patient though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): It is not HIS fault you didn't go to YOUR prom with someone else. He is not talking to you because you completely ruined his night at the award's ceremony with unnecessary drama. You are the one who needs to apologize.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 This guy has had a tough life, he doesn't want to be like his father, he's found a way to deal with his anger and bad feelings, if you try and push him to be more aggressive you may live to regret it, there is nothing wrong with being calm and placid, keep pushing him and one day he will explode, everyone has there breaking point, and you crying over old photos, I think you need to grow up a bit
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 August 2012):
It seems like you are the one which is suffering from the past. I'm not trying to throw reverse psychology or anything but his betrayal doesn't make any sense to me. How exactly has he betrayed you?
At any rate, all of those things are in the past. It is important to bring your mind into the present and try the live there. We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. Try to accept what has happened and let it go. In fact maybe you can learn to be more like him while he can learn to be more like you. We all have feelings and it would be important to consider his feelings as well. This is why you do not understand why he wont talk to you.
The reason why a lot of people do not get upset over these issues is because it is a waste of energy and time. A lot of us feel worse when we become aggressive because it is not who we are. I can admit, he needs to stand up for himself, but he needs to learn that for himself. You can't force that on someone else you will seem like someone who is just as controlling.
The things you might consider reasons for someone to be aggressive might not be the same as someone else like your bf. Everyone is different and we all experience things differently and choose to do so as well.
While your feelings are important, he can not erase the past. There will always be reminders in your life, especially in your own life so learning to accept the past is important. You should be careful, because your own aggression will make you become a slave to your own emotions.
If you did not like this sort of advice, then you should understand that it is the same as you have done to him. A relationship is about working things out and communication. After all, no one is perfect.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 August 2012):
 Yeah, you need to lighten up A LOT...and when I say A LOT, I mean BIG TIME on him. It's not his fault you weren't at prom, and prom was a part of his life. You ran off and ruined his awards ceremony when you were supposed to be supporting him. *HE* should be mad at you.
Also, what does his ex have to do with you anyways? He shouldn't have to answer to you about her unless they're dating behind your back. I don't endorse lying, but if the subject of her makes you *this* jealous, I can see him avoiding telling you certain things about his past.
As for the aggressiveness, you need to accept him for *him*. If your need for aggressive resulted in you being attracted to a guy who beat the crap out of you, you might need to alter your taste for aggression. Sure, he might hold things in more because of his upbringing, but his upbringing made him who he is.
As for his friend hurting you, does he do it intentionally? If that's the case, why aren't you standing up for yourself? Normally, I'd be on your side on this because if he's slamming you on issues like physical appearance or questioning your sexual virtue, then you need to step up and give him your own serious razor tongue lashing.
No more victim mode for you. You're already wearing your boyfriend down, and if you don't start accepting him for everything he is, you will lose him. Drop the jealousy about his ex. Drop the oversensitivity, and don't try to change him. He is who he is.
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