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My boyfriend is a dad, and the child's mother hates me!

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone thank you in advance for helping me I am having an issue here and need advice desperately.

For the last 5 months I have been dating a great man who has a 4 year old son with his ex fiancé, a woman who he still remains close with. He is a very nice smart little boy and he seems to really enjoy my time spending with him when I hang out at their place.

Well my problem is is that my boyfriends ex fiancé (his sons mother) basically hates me. Him and I have had a serious talk regarding her and he has told me she is quite controlling and even though she was a great mother, she was a terrible girlfriend.

She has a problem with him dating and bringing another woman around her son, and I get that. However she lives with and is engaged to another man so why is it ok for her but not my boyfriend?

I have only been around her in person 2 times and I was very uncomfortable as she was rude to me and I over heard her make a comment to my boyfriend about how I was dressed 'slutty' which I didn't appreciate. I was wearing a tank and shorts as it's very hot where we live but everything was covered and I think the comment was uncalled for.

I had gone and checked out her Facebook one evening as I was just curious. I had saw a couple of statuses she made about how her baby daddy's new 'skanky girlfriend' is a complete joke and how he downgraded from her to me. The comments on the post were very cruel and it made me very sad.

I did not know what to expect as I have never dated a man with kids before but I really liked this guy and his son so I thought I would give it a try. But I don't want to keep feeling like I'm in a competition with the child's mother, that's not what I'm here for.

I will have to live with this forever if I continue to stay, im unfortunately considering ending the relationship because of it.

I am younger (I'm 22, he and her are 27, which she also has a problem with) and don't feel like I deserve this type of treatment. There's nothing my boyfriend can really do as he and her have to stay in contact for the son.

He gets him every weekend and if I'm there when she drops him off, she will tell him to make sure I'm not in the way of their time together and that she would prefer if I'm not there on the weekends with her son. I have even been told I better not be playing 'second mommy' to him, which I'm not trying to do in anyway.

Please help... Do I leave and never look back?

View related questions: engaged, facebook, his ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

So the mother sounds like a sad jealous a-hole and that is probably not going to change anytime soon.if she already has a new partner but still cares so much about you,one has to wonder is she even over their breakup?.. Well personally for me this is way too much baggage and i couldn't be bothered with it and im 28.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2016):

Hi

Just to let you know I have been there and it does get better. I married my husband who has 2 kids to a previous relationship and they are my 'added bonuses'.

The key to this all is to stay out of the drama, don't bad mouth Mum and for now, let the parents do the parenting. I didn't meet my 2 for a year, by which time I got to know my husband.

The ex is gonna be a permanent in your life if you continue, but the drama does dye down to a certain extent. Your partner just has to pick his battles.

If the kid loves you, then eventually he will be able to speak his mind and tell Mum what he thinks. My step daughter recently told me she ignores everything mummy says about me, because she knows it isn't true. I even got a Mother's Day card!

You are very young though to be taking on this type of life..weekends away, nights out etc are limited. So think about that. Find time for yourself as well.

Hope my answer helps you.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (29 March 2016):

To be honest, this could be worse. Yes, I’m sure her comments are unpleasant, and to have said what she did about your appearance whilst you were there is the height of rudeness. But remember you chose to look at her Facebook. She is not harassing you. She has requested that your boyfriend not let you get in the way of his time with his son. She could have insisted you not be there at all. That request was reasonable.

Yes, the woman is bitchy, rude and ignorant, and she is probably never going to like you. But as she hasn’t insisted you be out the picture and has confined her comments to her Facebook and private conversations with your ex (contact about which your attitude is decent and sensible), she’s far from the worst ex you could have to put up with. A man with kids is a man with baggage. The baggage is rarely the child itself (if you thought of the boy that way you would be better off out), but the tie to a previous partner. If you really want to stay in this relationship, you have to accept that his ex is tolerating you but doesn’t, and probably never will like you. Just be polite, hold your head up, don’t bite back and don’t go looking for posts and comments she has made. Focus on your relationship with this man and his son. If you’re not going to be able to let this go, get out quickly as it’s best for everyone. I think you’ve already worked this choice out, judging from your question. It’s time to make the decision.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (29 March 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntA woman using her motherhood as leverage to feel justified in such bitchy behaviour really is just so cringeworthy sad and pathetic. These type of women can be relentless in making it their personal goal to seek satisfaction in making your lives a misery. It is a hard task but you need to decide if you can make this a real 'Sticks and Stones' situation for yourself. If your bf has chosen you to be his partner then he has a responsibility to not let her make you her victim also. If sitting idly by allowing you to fight off each and every verbal blow would have me walking away sooner rather than later. What have you got too lose by standing up for yourself anyway? If she feel it is ok to be telling you that you had better not be playing second mommy, then why would it not be ok to POLITELY inform her that if being a mommy is something you wanted to be, you are young and fertile enough to make your own. Then ask if you treating her child with kindness and care is not something you should be doing then how the hell does she want you to treat him? I think the decision of whether to go or stay really does sit with how your bf intends to handle things. Time for a heart to heart with him. Be honest that there is only so much that you intend to take and between you work out some sort of game plan- and stick to it. Show a united mature front and wait to see how that goes. At the end of the day this is something your bf needs to decide because regardless if you are one of many new gf he wont be able to hang onto any real relationship with her dictating to him forever and a day. Good luck

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI do agree that as a parent you HAVE to take care when, and whom you introduce your child(ren) to.

You have ONLY been dating 5 months and yes, I DO think it's WAY to soon to introduce a GF (or BF) to a child that soon, because until there is an established relationship (which in my book is close to 10-14+ months into a relationship) there is that stage where everyone is trying to find their way, and getting to know the REAL you, not just that person who is on his/her best behavior. And it is NOT the time to put a kid in the middle of all that. Specially if the kid starts to bond and the relationship doesn't work out.

So in short I agree with the mom here. However, if SHE didn't stick to the rule of not introducing anyone till it's serious, it's a pretty crummy double standard she is waving around.

As for what she posts on FB, ignore it and stay of her page. She sounds a bit immature and petty. If she can't distinguish between who you are as a person, and how you dress... that is on her. She is probably lashing out at you to get back at her ex (your BF).

Some women are like this. They put other women down to make themselves feel better. Kind of pathetic really.

What YOU have to decide is whether you can handle this drama or even WANT to deal with this drama in your relationship, because it's NOT going to go away. And if your BF doesn't tell her off and LET her talk smack to you and about you... it's going to be rather constant.

I have dealt with similar crap from my husband's ex wife. Who made visitation almost impossible, because his ex wife was pissed that he had moved on and remarried, she felt she HAD to "punish" him and I, by denying my husband to see their kids if I was around. No spending the night at our house, no wanting to meet me, etc. She used her kids to try and manipulate my husband. She to an extend still do (20 years later). At the time my husband couldn't afford a lawyer to take her to court and she knew it. So yes, I absolutely understand your situation. Had I known ahead of time how much drama this woman tried to cause, I might not have married my husband.

It's hard to date/be with a person who has a child and an ex who thinks they still have a SAY in that person's life because they share a child.

It's a lot of baggage.

I suggest you decide what you want. Maybe dating a dad is not for you at 22.

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