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I so want to date but never get asked!

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I feel embarassed just typing this, but well...

I am 22 year old, college student, I am outgoing, I have a lot of friends and I am quite popular with them. I am tomboyish as in "loving sports, fights and cars" but you wouldn't tell from the way I looked apart from the short hair because I love dresses and high heels.

I also have both curves and kind of body you get from working out a few times a week. I have my flaws - I have a whole frickin lot of flaws - but they can be seen only when you actually know me.

Anyway, like I said in the title, guys NEVER EVER ask me out. The only guys I have been with were basically the guys I knew well and approached for casual sex. Only drunken homeless guys ever hit on me, lol. I've noticed whenever I'm out in a club I NEVER get approached by guys.

Now usually I don't pay too much attention to guys as I usually just focus on spending time with friends then getting off with some guy in a club.

Guys do approach my friends but never me.

In clubs no one asks me to dance and I just sit there like an idiot sipping my drink.

All my male friends automatically file me under 'one of the boys' and everyone I meet at the parties usually seems to instantly like me, talk with me, but never ask me out - asking out is reserved for all other girls in the group.

I am getting tired of this.

My friends don't ever give me good advice - all they say is something silly like "your face is always so serious" (NOT true) and "guys are intimidated by your looks"(not even going to grace that with a comment) - so any help would be really, really appreciated.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 March 2016):

chigirl agony auntExactly, anonymous poster. Guys aren't that brave. So when a girl is pretty, they do not approach her! They assume she already has a boyfriend, or that she will reject them because guys do not have that great confidence either. It's not nonsense at all, it's reality. I don't know how many times I have tested this, and I have been told so directly from guys as well. The ONLY time a man ever approached me when I was wearing a nice dress and done my hair and makeup etc (looking very pretty), he later confessed the only reason he approached me was because his group of friends dared him to. Otherwise he never would have because I looked too intimidating all dressed up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2016):

you know with almost noone now wearing short hair, do you think guys think you have a different sexual orientation? How short you hair are? Like a boy haircut, or just just stylish short hair?

I dont believe for a second that guys wont approach you because you are too pretty, this is nonsense. But... your facial expression might play a role. I am too serious too, but the moment i feel like smiling all night, guys are all over me.

Guys are also can be shy. I was told by many guys who i did talk afterwards that they were not brave enough to talk to me all night.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 March 2016):

chigirl agony auntMy guess is you're too pretty. Guys get intimidated by that. Dress down when going out. T-shirt and jeans. No high heels. No extreme make-up. You gotta give guys the idea that you're not hard to get.

Oh, I read further down, your friends have already told you this and you have dismissed it. Well, don't! Your friends are telling you the truth. You probably do look too serious and guys are intimidated. Be light hearted and smile more. Laugh at stupid jokes that aren't really funny. Laughter is so attractive, every guy I ever knew was attracted to the girl who laughed the most. I have a funny friend who was always making jokes and laughing and every guy in class or wherever we went were asking her out.

And I never get approached either if I dress up to look my best. Dressing down however, and guys come flocking. I went on three dates with three different guys in three days once, just because I had dressed down and they were all interested right away. So Im telling you, drop the dress and high heels!!!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2016):

I don't think short hair has much to do with it. I do think tom-boyishness these days translates to possible lesbian. If haircuts are too masculine against a very pretty girl's face; guys are not too quick to approach. Thinking they'd get shot-down by a a girl who likes girls. Once bitten, twice shy.

I've answered this question before. It's so similar, it almost seems like the same post. Girls who can keep up with the guys in guy-stuff usually get treated like one of the boys. Not meaning you've got to be prissy-girlie and acting out of character to draw attention to yourself. Just make some feminine adjustments just for the sake of attraction.

You've identified with males too long, girlfriend. Until it rubs off on you; and you find yourself with more guy friends than girlfriend's. When you should have your choice of "boyfriends."

Let's face it, guys are quicker to judge sexual-orientation than females. They just assume you'd be more aggressive, or it would be hard to adjust to you not seeming stereo-typically girlie; "like other girls." When guys have been relentlessly brainwashed into what should be considered feminine beauty by the media and beauty industry, guys are sort of simple-minded.

What should you do? Approach guys and get used to being more assertive. Be flirty in a classy way. Your naturally outgoing personality only comes out, when you're trying to keep up with the boys. Your signature boyish haircut, throw in the sports interest; only confuses them. Although they think you're cool. I think you'd rather they think you're sexy.

Soften your appearance, get a stylist who colors and knows how to work with short styles. Don't go paying for weaves or turning into a wig-head; if it's just not really who you are. Layered looks, buzzed around the sides; and longish on the crown is really sexy. Experiment with colors!

At the risk of sounding contradictory; I advise you to let the guys see a girl first. Not a girl who almost looks like a guy. There are many transsexual females out there these days; and you can't just tell by Adam's apples anymore.

Yes sweetie, there's a little bit of prejudice and bigotry sprinkled in there. Guys are being exceptionally discriminatory based on appearance. In my experience as a gay man; if a exceptionally talented drag-queen/female impersonator wears long hair or lengthy weave, she is more likely to catch male attention than a lesbian with a short mane. Go figure! I'm just giving you another take on it. There are many angles to address your question.

I recommend you stop waiting to be asked, develop the nerve to approach men. Get a less boyish short haircut to emphasis your feminine features, and use your sports-loving outgoing personality to your advantage. Pretty girls with really really short hair sometimes look like adolescent boys from a distance. That still leaves a residual snapshot in the minds of guys who approach a table; otherwise full of "girlish females" with more feminine ways, fluffy hairdos, and makeup. Even if you do like dresses and high heels.

A fair majority of guys do like long hair on females. So you have to teach them to appreciate something different.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWanna try a fun experiment? To wit:

"...but you wouldn't tell from the way I looked apart from the short hair..." Get a wig (they're not that expensive... or borrow one from a friend).... wear that, sometime, and see what happens....

Good luck. You "sound" like a delightful woman who any right-thinking guy would want to spend time with....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI think it can be many things. I do think some good looking girls have trouble over the more plain ones because they seem less approachable.

And some girls who dress to impress (so to speak) can come off and looking "high maintenance" without even BEING high maintenance.

You male friends might actually be able to give you some tips (more than you female counterparts) because they don't see you as competition, but as a friend.

And then it can come down to something as simple as you "perceived attitude" when meeting new people. Are you a decent conversationalist? Or are you very much into 1 topic.. (like yourself). Or are you one of THOSE girls who cling on to her cell phone so when she isn't talking to people she doesn't "look" alone? Or the one who has to take selfies everywhere to post on social media?

There can be SO many reasons. Doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with you. Without seeing/hearing you in "action" it's actually hard to tell.

Do you ever approach guys YOU find interesting? And start a conversation? If not, maybe that is a start. If you just "sit and sip" it can make you seem like you rather be "seen" not mingle. It's not the guys job to ALWAYS approach you (no matter how you look) - sometimes you got to be bold.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016):

I'm going to sound very shallow here - but maybe it's the 'short' hair holding you back.

At your age, girls look pretty with both shoulder length & long hair. Very few girls can pull off wearing short haircuts & to be honest - it's more of a style that older ladies tend to have & young lads wouldn't appreciate. That together with being tomboyish - would be a big no no when it comes to attracting young men.

However, like I said - that is the 'shallow' answer. If you want a man to like you for who you are - wait for someone to come along you gets on with you as a person & not just your looks. It may not be a bar or club you find him in - so try looking in less obvious places.

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