A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. From the start he knew i wanted marriage and children some day. He also told me he wanted those things. Over time, this has gone to, wanting it, not wanting it, not sure, wanting it. He has also known that i do not want it 'now' and i would like to be financially secure etc. It came up recently in a discussion that he wants to wait 5 - 6 years minimum. He will be late 30's and i will be mid 30's. I told him when i would ideally like them if it were to happen my opinion is just ignored. It is what HE wants. There is no compromise. I am worried that i will wait until i am almost 35 and find out that he doesn't want them or wants to wait longer. He seems totally oblivious to the fact that it is harder for women as they get older as he told me that there is IVF to help...! On top of this, there is hardly any talk of marriage or heck, even moving in together. It feels like it isn't progressing as it should after this amount of time. When these topics come up, i speak as in, children with him, marriage with him. But when he says something it is always in general such as "with the right person'. He never mentions that it is with me. Talking with him about this is very difficult. He clams up and rolls his eyes and i get a few worded answers. Im not sure what to do really. Any advice? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): I think you should cut your losses and leave him so you can find someone who will feel sure about YOU and have the same goals as you and see you as their partner.
it's very clear that right now, and who knows for how long, he is not feeling "good" about marriage and kids with you. Or maybe not with anyone, it's not clear. He feels he wants it with the right person but if he doesn't see you as the right person then you're taking a big risk by continuing to wait around and letting the years pass by.
You know what you want, and you want and need him to participate (after all you can't marry yourself or have kids yourself, you need another person involved and you want it to be him).
But he does not want to participate in this.
This is the reality of your relationship today. It may change in 5 years, or it may not. Why take that risk?? you've already been together 4 years and if this is how he feels after 4 years I don't see what would make him change his mind about you.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 April 2012):
1 - You need to know right quick if he wants kids. If no, stop here, move on, and do not bother with #2.
2 - You need to know right quick if he wants to marry you.
Im all for knowing its the right person. If you "dont know" in four years, then yes, you know.....move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Do you want to wait six years and then find out that he doesnt want to be with you? Theres also the factor that you could find it difficult to conceive and it gets more difficult the older you are.
I cant see this working out in the long run. If he loved you enough he wouldnt be in any doubt that youre the one he wants to marry and be with.
You love him that you want to have his child. Hes fond of you but not enough to want to make a family with you.
Think very hard about whether you want to be the woman he cares for and not loves, do you want to stay like this for years?. You deserve more.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): I've read that women feel that strong desire to settle down and have children with "the right one" and men feel that desire when it's "the right time". That is true for me in my relationship. (I posted a question about it a few days ago in fact.) The fact that he's openly doubting that you're "the right person" worries me. There's also the issue of it not being "the right time" and how his "right time" is significantly later than yours. I'd give serious thought to ending this relationship and consciously seeking a guy who's more on the same page as you. You might even want to try targeting men who are a few years older than you (not, like, the age of your dad or anything!) just to make sure that you're getting together with a guy who will be enthusiastic about having children when you are.I, too, don't want to have to resort to IVF. When I posted my question on here, commenters/Agony Aunts unanimously told me that since I'm not supporting myself financially I have no business thinking about children. That is another concern in itself, I suppose, but I am definitely worried that your boyfriend sounds so...noncommittal. Best of luck to you!!!! I'm in the same boat (same age range, wanting kids, not QUITE ready yet but looking ahead to that) so I really feel for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 April 2012):
 Sounds to me like you and this guy are far afield of one-another as to what you would like to share with a (your) partner..... Consider if you want to continue waiting for this guy to play his hand.... since - when he does (and who knows WHEN???) - you and he may have little of no compatibility, after all...
I wouldn't wait. I'd dump him and move on....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Your boyfriend sees a future with you but not you being his wife and the mother of his children. Truth is, he has many years until he will feel pressured by his own biological clock to have kids. Like he said, 5-6 and then at that time, he will meet the "right person". A guy who thought you were the right person would tell you he wants to marry you and have kids with you...not some person he has yet to meet in a few years!
If you wait that 5-6 years, I think it's likely you'll part ways when he's ready to settle down and meet the one. He's in no rush at this age so there is no incentive for him to break up a good thing with you even though he knows you aren't the right person.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2012):
 I would agree if he doesn't know after 4 year together if you two are "right' for each other, it's not going to happen.
And he is kidding himself if he thinks IVF can prevent any of the birth defects that are WAY more common after age 35.
http://www.marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/trying_after35.html
I think for certain things a couple HAS to be on the same page or you have two unfulfilled people.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2012):
 After 4 years I too think you may be beating a dead horse. Wanting children was one of top reasons my husband of 36 years ended his 1st marriage. He wanted them, she decided she didn't, end of story.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
 oh and If most of us waited till we were financially ready to have kids... there would be a lot fewer kids in this world.
sometimes getting married and having kids is a bit of a leap of faith...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2012):
 "with the right person " ? uh-oh. So, after 4 years, he is not sure if you are the right person. It's not really about being more settled financially or what not, he sees himself as being ready in 5 or 6 years ... with the right person, who may also not be you, but another person.
Cut your losses.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
I agree... the time has come.
if he keeps putting you off you have no choice but to
a. accept him on his terms now and figure that there are no children in your future with this man
or
b. leave him and find a man who wants what you want.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Danielpew is right OP he's put his foot down and his vision of the future is very different to yours. Your lives are basically going in different directions and your relationship just isn't progressing at all.
Personally I think this may be an unresolvable situation. To me the next step in a relationship is to move in together but that doesn't even look likely in the near future. If he won't talk about it OP then you can't fix it either can you?
You can stay with him, let the clock run out in this uncertain future or you can take greater control over your life.
OP 4 years tells me that you must have quite a good relationship but you really have to consider whether this relationship has a future. It very much looks to me like he doesn't see a future with you because even after 4 years together he can't even give you a straight answer, he won't even commit his future to you he keeps brushing you off.
I think the real question here is the one you haven't asked. Sure you speak to him about a future and you would like etc. but you need to ask him straight out, does he see a future together with you.
It's time you asked him more direct questions about you and he. Not the general questions you have been asking.
It's time to have "the talk" the where are we going with this? Kind of talk. But first you have to figure out what you want. Do you want progress soon? Or are you happy with the way things are now? You need to figure out what the next step you want in this relationship is. If that's moving in together then that's something you have to address with him. I think you might have reached the point of stagnation here OP, it seems he's perfectly happy with the way things are, no plans, no change in his life and just an easy-going relationship with only exclusivity as a commitment but nothing else. Maybe it's time you asked him to take the next step. If he won't then you have to consider where this is going.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2012):
 It is very clear that, from his perspective, you have to take the deal as it is now. If you don't like that, the only choice he gives you is leaving.
...............................
|
