A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My story is long and it proves how stupid I was to stick to this damaging relationship! but I want you also know about it.I met a guy from Toronto in May 2006 in Montreal where I live. He offered me the same day to be my bf and returned to Toronto the same day (he lives there)!! I did not respond to his offer because I didn't know him at all, but I kept my contacts with him calling, chatting on messenger sometimes, but did not take it serious though and was still investigating about him, and in each call he repeated his offer. At that time he had no job and was doing clerkship in a hospital there. He called me everyday many many times, texted me, emailed me daily many times and in each one of them he repeated his offer and insisted that he is a decent, nice, sweet guy! Finally in Feb 2007, I said ok to him, he came to Mtl immediately and we had pretty good times together for 2 day then he returned and we started more contacts. Same year in June he was accepted for residency in neurology, every thing was fine in the beginning, he invited me to Toronto many times and finally I went there in September. I asked him to pick me up and he did. It was nice in the beginning, but in the middle of night, I felt a heavy weight on my chest! he was sitting on my chest, pushing his penis into my mouth! I pushed him away and told him "go away" and started packing my stuffs and left his apartment. I wish I would never get back, but I did, it was very dark outside and I am scared of damn darkness. now I think darkness is better than being with a beast, but I returned to his apartment and slept on coach. next day he left home early in the morning and left me alone, in the afternoon he came, changed his cloth, wear his perfume and left, told me I should go with my friends from work for socializing, you can cook for yourself! I collapsed into myself but didn't say a word, later I realized that he went dinning with another girl, while I was still in his home, he came home in the morning drunk... next day was my ticket to get back and I returned with a broken heart and badly hurt...You cannot believe it but he called me again and told me that I have insulted him! but still kept calling me. Why I did not stop him the same day, I was very very very stupid, I know please do not blame me :(then he changed his attitude and first pretend me that he is still interested in me and wants to keep contact with me, and teaching me and making me to have oral sex on phone with him, he called every minute he was free for oral sex. why did I act like a bitch, I don't know :( I just know that I liked him from his first attitudeIt was end of the year when I got my first anonymous email, telling me that I have affair with a married man!! and will be killed for that. In my religion they stone the woman who has affair with a married man. I was deadly shocked but I did not talk about email to him just asked him if he is married, he said yes, I am. I asked him why didn't he tell me earlier? he said it is none of my business!I stopped contacting him, but got bunch of anonymous emails insulting me and threatening me to death. my photo was all over in orkut, in his profile that he claimed it was not his. and my photo was there in his album mentioning that we have affairs... there was a list of all of his friends reading this, although he has not talked about me to his friends, or at least I did not think that he may have spoken about me to anybody, except one of his friends who was a neurologist and he came to his home, when I went to Toronto first time....He called me and told me that I have sent these emails! he said that police has traced the account sending the emails ant that is from me!!!I though he is joking. I stopped any contact with him....after 3 months he started calling me, texting me with anonymous id from internet, he used invisible checking sites to check my status and each time I was online sending messages and buzzing me, and leaving me messages and expressing his interest in me again! so I checked on him to see where he is sending anonymous messages, he was using different IPs (sending messages from different countries, while he was in Toronto hospital!!)What a fool I was to believe him! :( why did I let him to ruin my life again?! although this time he had changed his phone number and told me that he has no phone number!! can you imagine a neurologist a doctor a resident without a contact number?!! but he told me that he is not lying and he has not phone because of some issues, he told me that he is in the process of getting divorced and apologized me for his bad attitude at his home..This time he called me every day, again making me to have oral sex after expressing his interest in me! he called every single day from hospitals where he is working, he called anonymously and even when I asked him to give me his extension to give him a call he did not but he promised each time to buy a phone as soon as he finished this year of residency that was very busy and he needed to concentrate on his work!!!!some day I met a girl asking me question about neurology, since I am almost in this field too, I told her that I have a friend who can help her better and as soon as I told his name, the girls started coarsing him angrily, that he is a jerk, liar, bastard.. she told me that this guy was her bf for a while and he told her all his cries about his ex-gf from Montreal! who ruined his life, he told her that his ex-gf traveled traced him everyday,every where he goes, she went to his building and made a big fight there and left no dignity for him there!! and all his neighbors were seeing the girl harassing him!! and this ex-gf sent emails to his friends insulting them, harassing them and made a faked profile for him there with her photo to make him marry her. he told her that but I cannot marry her because I am married!Can you believe it?! such a coincidence, when I said the guy why did you make up storied about me and all these lies? he denied and denied!!! although I was sure that he is lying now. he had affair with my friend while he was still with me! and telling all of his friends that I am chasing him and he is running away from me, he made all his friends to insult me any where I met one of them....I removed him from my life, but now again he has started texting me, not anymore calling me, because I told him he is misuing hospital and university utility for harassing me.A few days ago I got email from internet desk of my hospital mentioning that bunch of spam emails are sending using my IP but from an external IP address! and they are going to suspend my IP, since they are sure that it is not me who is sending these spams. It just reminds me of him again. That's what he accused me to a few months ago!! who is trying to ruin me? I cannot understand? I have done no harm and bad to anybody in this world, although almost all women around me, even those who claim they are my friend are jelous of me and hate me. I am a succefful woman in my carrier, a good scientist, artist and sporter, and I am always smiling and happy. there have been always boyes around me trying to catch my attention and passion. but I was very picky, now I see the results of being picky!!!I see that my friend hate me, I can see it in their attitude, but I still keep smiling and have my life and let them to live in their hatreds. I still behave them as friends. Now I want to know who is doing this, sending emails on be half of me to others and insulting them? It is stupid to see that they insult others with my IP! and people really believe it that I have sent them!!! why they do not think that they have nothing that I want to be jelous of, and even i do not know them, their names, or emails. and why should somebody insults other with her own email?!I am now really frustrated, sad and heartbroken because of all his lies and bad attitude toward myself. I know I bought all of those disrespects and should have stopped him somehow forever. I know it was all my guilt to let him to abuse me and harass me. I know. But each time that I let him back it was to get an answer from him, why he chose me to abuse, to harass, to humiliate? why? he came to me and I am not easy to be taken, I do not open my heart to anybody easy and I think we spent long time knowing each other before going into serious relationship. Although I do not know why he lied to me all the time, I do not know why he came after me while he had all the girls around him, why he kept abusing me orally?Sometime I think because I was the only stupid girl in this world who permit him to do all this humiliation to her, I was an easy taking woman for him, I was the only silly woman who let him to insult her and still letting him to comeback.I really need to stop it. I need help.I hate myself :( I am sick of myself
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affair, cheated on me, different countries, divorce, drunk, heartbroken, his ex, liar, married man, oral sex, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, israelmaciasisangelabadboy  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 I'm so sorry that he has done this awful stuff to you?
I've been there and done that. I broke up with my
boyfriend back in 2005 because he done that to me too?!
I trusted him way too long though and he is out of my race.
I think about getting in touch with him or an ex-coworker of mine but. I recently decided not to do that to myself.
I am glad that it's in the painful and terrible past. Ugh!!!!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo female reader on 15th July 2009:
I do not complain from anybody but myself. I am angry at myself for trusting him.
Our serious friendship started when I was complaining about our common physician friend who was recently separated and asked me to be my boy friend. I told this guy that how can married or separated people go after women while they are still married, this is so immoral and unaccepted.
And he agreed with me and told me that this common friend is jackass and has no attitude.
He showed his agreement with me while he was himself a married man and did not say any word about his own status, although he himself offered me his friendship same day. He should have told me about it, shouldn't he?
That is what mostly is bothering me and torturing me, that I started my very first conversation with him nagging about a married man's offer, and he abused this situation and made me his offer while I did not think that he might be married too.
He knew that I am not interested in married man, but he didn't say any word about himself while he was offering me his friendship.
How could I know he is married while I was just complaining about our other friend.
I think he was trying to take revenge on women and on me for thinking that way, that's why he made his offer right away. He tried to ruin me, to ruin my proud and my confidence.
He can not see any happy woman, while he's just in the middle of his own misery.
Last month before my final breakup with him (I just blocked all withheld and anonymous calls), I asked him for how long he's been separated? he said since 2002 when he came to Canada. It means that he left his wife just because of immigration to Canada. And he left me just because of being accepted to medical residency.
He abuses women to get over his pains and problems and stresses. When I knew him, he had no job, he was very stressed and unhappy.
Getting divorce is the hardest process in my country, he said that his wife's family are giving him a hard time and asking for money that he promised to pay in case of divorce and it is a big amount of money that he has to pay.
You call me cheap, I feel the same way too. I was very cheap to answer my anonymous calls and even later after hearing his voice do not hang up on him. I was cheap for belittling myself with talking to a sick man.
How could I know that he is married if I have not received that anonymous emails that now I am sure, were from his ex-wife. how could I know? His wife is living in another country, and they were for 4 years separated when I knew this guy.
Although I agree with you that I should have not respond any of his calls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI need a psychotherapist, I know, but talking about my pain directly in other's face, is so impossible for me. It was so hard for me even to sign in here and talk about my misery. But I said you left no more proud for yourself with yourself, ask for help. save ur mind!Yes, I think nobody can justify what I did, while it is so unacceptable to me. I cannot accept that I was so tough all the time, and now I let being abused so easily. Honest to God, I trusted him by all my being, I thought he never lies, as lie is the biggest sin in my eyes, I never lie and believe that even if people around me lie to me, I do not loose anything and it does not hurt me. This is them you will be hurt by lying. I trusted him by all my heart and never suspected anything. I thought we are mature enough to stay committed and trustworthy, and even if we get bored of each other we can talk about it. That is what I asked him many times, that if at any time we feel that we have no feeling for each other or we are bored, we will talk about it frankly and finish our relationship in a friendly way. No lying!It was our first agreement. But it didn't go the way I imagined. It was all lies from the beginning and I should now believe that lying hurt everybody, not only the liar. it is so tough to know who is lying. We have to spend lots of time with somebody to realize that he/she might be a liar and even that does not help!It is all above my head. I prefer to stick to my man-free life, where I have my life and have not to be worry of other's lies.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Ok, you are worrying me. There's no point asking why and having nightmares. Shit happens and you fell for the wrong dude. Just, move on. No answer will be good enought anyway, even if he tried to explain himself to you, you will not be satisfied because this cannot be justified whatsoever. But you, and your nightmares, you really need to get a grip and get yourself some psychotherapies. You sound depressed and that's not healthy at all to keep pondering and obsessing over this guy and what he's done to you. Just Move On and get some help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): My guess is you had it coming. You're saying he lied and cheated on you and you keep giving him oral sex ? are you that desperate ? for god's sake. Move on and quit sleeping with married men. There's no way to justify the unjustifyable. You shouldn't have gotten involved with him at the first place.
This is the problem, there are way too many cheap women like you out there. I mean, what were you thinking, that he would change because you keep sucking his dick ? You are not the victim here, his wife is. So quit complaining, it was your choice to sleep around without checking on the guy's background.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Well again you can not keep blaming yourself. You broke your own beliefs...be angry for that but constantly blaming yourself it not the same as forgiveness.
Why did he do this? Because you confused the feelings you had for him with the feelings you thought he had for you...which ofc there were no feelings, he just wanted his own attention and saw a vulnerable person to take advantage of. He probably only judged you on the way you looked from day one...which is fine but he never took any time to get to know you. Pretty much a bad guy. Why didn't he let you go? Because if he could call you and harass / torment you to make himself feel better where you allowed it, then why would he stop? He gets what he wants and leaves, you have no control over him and you have no number to contact him. Plus since he only wants one thing from u, which was oral sex then ofc he's not going to want to talk to you when he doesn't feel like. He never wanted a relationship with you.
It is good to have a decent mindset when going into a relationship, but you should listen to your gut and heart as well. I think here you ignored your heart.
I wont say what is right and wrong with oral...I have my own beliefs like everyone but I know I would do it with someone I love and care deeply for.
Forget this guy, and move on. Take your past pain and turn it into experience. Give yourself some time to move on and feel comfortable with yourself until you can forgive yourself. Good Luck, I hope you venting here has helped you with moving on. In a couple of weeks you should come back and read what you wrote, you may find it amusing ^^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. You are right! He's been only after oral sex! and spent pretty much time to teach me how to do this! I had never done it before! it was really tough to do it in the beginning, it was against my personal beliefs! in my eyes oral sex was immoral for those who are not couple(unmarried)! And I tried hard to fought with myself to overcome my opinion. and I did it for him because I trusted him and thought we are committed bf-gf and I amnot going to do this to any other male, so for him, special for him, it is ok, do it! But now I think that I was not made for doing what is against my beliefs. I hurt myself by breaking my own rules. It was better to stick to them. I am even ashamed of myself for every one of my oral sexes. But that was him who called me and each time he was forcing me to it by accusing me to not wanting him. I though for a while that when a bf is in long distance then we should satisfy our sexual needs somehow, so oral sex is accepted in this case. you see, I explained it to myself, but had never fun doing it, I did it because of him, I prioritized him to myself, I prioritized his pleasure to get his attention!!!!!
Can you believe it that he did not even give me his phone number but called me every single night from whereever he was to have oral sex!? I know that I continued because I wanted him, I liked him, in every talk I had his pictures from our first meetings and calls in my mind, same funny, caring, smart guy that I made from him, I made a GOD from him for myself and worshiped him. I could/can not stop thinking about him even for a minute, even if I did, he called me, texted me and captured all my attention.
I am still thinking WHY?
I think it is all because I fell in love late (or I had lost 2 beloved fiance before, as soon as I overcame one sorrow and tried for another one, I lost him too, so I decided to stay away from guys). I tried to be picky to keep me far away from boys, but never ever broke any heart, never.
Now, I fell for the wrong guy, at wrong time, when I was very very sick and needed some attention. I even told this guy that I am sick and I NEED him. I cannot believe that he tried hard to destroy me!
Yea, I felt for the wrong guy and now it is difficult for me to get over it and forget him, although he did not let me either. as long as I was going to forget him, he showed up somehow, somewhere....
However, now my big question is WHY? why didn't he let me go? even in my nightmares I am asking him why did u do this to me? I ask him you knew about all my pains why you did abuse my misery and pain? some nights I speak loud in my dreams and ask him why, so loud that I wake up! I think it is tough for me to accept it that I was the only reason of my misery and abuse. I cannot stop blaming myslef. I feel very abused, very humiliated, very insulted
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Hi
I'm sorry all this is happening to you, does not sound like you deserve to be treated this way by everyone. But I hope in time you can move on and life can be better.
Well its a no wonder why he is that way. He was only after one thing from day one with you and that was oral sex. After that you allowed him to talk to you whenever he wanted, whether you liked it or not. The sooner you erase this guy from your life the better. In fact don't blame yourself too much, he really is a bad guy and I won't be surprised if he is fooling other girls. Not to mention your friends must be really stupid if they believe him and not you. Does not sounds like any of my friends.
Good luck to you, hope things get better.
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