A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend pays his child maintenance on the first of every month and he has never defaulted, pays the full amount plus extras, but the ex phones him first thing in the morning every single first day of the month, every month without fail to tell him to pay the maintenance - as if he doesn't know!He is getting so stressed by this and I have to watch him go through it. The first of the month has us both waiting for that 8 am on the dot call and I can hear her saying 'have you paid the money over yet?' when it's only 8 am. And he replies that he is going to do it that morning and she'll say 'well you'd better because' and recite a whole list of things she needs.As if he doesn't know kids need things like food and clothes.It ruins his mood totally and heaven forbid I ask him to do anything or get something for me because he is so stressed by the call and demands he can't handle any more and he'll get angry with me and tell me to stop making yet more demands of him because he already hears enough.Can't she just accept that he knows he has to pay and that the kids need things and stop whingeing and nagging when it's totally unnecessary or is it quite justified to make that first of the month call to your ex to tell him to pay when he always does so anyway?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): Get him to pay it in the day before the first and text her to say he's paid it. Then she doesn't need to ring him.
He could also ignore the phone.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 Well, call me a bitch, but, if your bf has agreed to pay this money on the 1st of each month, that means that the money should be already available to her first thing in the morning, at bank opening. Same as when you work fo a company - my husband used to get paid the 27th of every month , which means at bank opening the money was already on his account . And if the 27th would fall on a Saturday or Sunday , the money was available the Friday BEFORE, not the Monday after.
If your bf " goes later " , that means that to have his bank transfer processed or the check cleared the money won't be factually available to her before a couple more days , ( or more if there's a weekend in between ) if she does not have a credit line. And when money is tight , even just 24 more hours can make a big difference. If I were her, maybe I'd be antsy and nagging too.
Ok, if your bf can show proof of payment within every 1 st of the month before midnight, I guess he's technically
on time.But since this is money for HIS kids, would not be also in his best interest making sure that the money is there for them first thing in the morning ?
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A
female
reader, baybee-x-sparkii +, writes (24 December 2011):
 Get a regular standing order set up to her. That way she can't whinge as it will go in about 1am every first of the month :) most banks can do this for you
x
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A
female
reader, missy123456  +, writes (24 December 2011):
He can pay in advance, and or get it deposited into her account a couple of days before, then not answer the phone at 8 am. Let the fact that she cannot reach him, just to stress him out, ruined her day, and i bet it will, instead of ruining his. If she decides to take vengeance, by withholding kids, then he can show the courts all records that he has paid in full, plus extras and on the dot. She has to understand that she no longer can control him, he is a grown man, and as long as he is doing what he is suppose too, then nothing makes him liable to her. Another thing you can do is make sure you guys are having sex the next time she rings, that way he can moan a quick im really busy,.....iii...check is there...and then just hang up. She will soon get the point.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 December 2011):
Has he every considered telling her that she doesn't need to call him every morning that the money is due to remind him?
I'm not sure how long you've been with him, and we don't know him. But maybe before in their relationship he wasn't very good at paying bills on time and she always had to be on him about it? Maybe he wasn't very responsible or not as responsible as he is now so she thinks she still needs to remind him? Maybe she's just miserable and jealous and likes to nag him?
In any case--it's probably annoying if he has every intention of paying it on the right day and does every time even if she didn't give him a reminder. I think she just needs to ask her to stop because he already knows. Find out what she says. If that isn't going to fly with her, then it's time to just ignore her when she calls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Get it directly transfered by the bank every month so she can call them instead.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (23 December 2011):
 just had another thought....
Perhaps in their prev relationship the trust was so broken down and destroyed, she can no longer trust him to do even the simplest things... Yes she knows he is paying on time, but whether she believes he will continue is another thing entirely.
It could also be that the amount he is paying is too little to support her children (in her mind at least), or perhaps he has old arrears?. I know I recently had to approach my ex about an increase in maintenance for our children as he had been paying the same amount for 4 years and the cost of living has gone up considerably. It was simple and he agreed without too much effort to a small increase... job done.
I still say this is simple to sort out, and his getting so worked up over this an overreaction. They need to communicate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): He could simply pay the maintenance a day or week before it's due and she'll see it in her account and won't call or he doesn't have to answer because he's made the payment already. I'm sure he's smart enough to figure out a solution if he wanted to but sounds like he's still not over his ex or the divorce. It doesn't mean he is still in love with her but still has emotional ties.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (23 December 2011):
lol ive just read through all the replies, and It seems my suggestion has already been said, hope it works OP x
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (23 December 2011):
personally i think the easiest thing would be for him to wake up early, pay the money and text her BEFORE she has a chance to remind him.... problem solved.
Perhaps the household bills are due out around the time he pays and if he pays later in the day the bills would have defaulted.... he could suggest arranging different payment days.
My ex is flakey remembering the dates, and to be honest I have to remind him, especially over public holidays when he is more apt to forget. Even if he suddenly started being more reliable, I cant imagine breaking the habit now. I also remind him that bills are due within a few days which need to be paid for the health and welbeing of his children (electric, gas, water, rent etc).
I'm concerned that he gets so worked up over a call such as that with his ex. They have children together and if they cant communicate then thats a worry. He needs to get over this irritation of it being a "demand" on him. They need to be able to talk to each other ABOUT finances and his children.
Hope that helps x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2011):
 oh I Love Cerberus's idea of turning it around and pre-empting her with a phone call BEFORE she calls to say "check's in the mail" kind of thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): I don't see the problem, turn off the phone.
If that was me you know what I'd do. I'd change my answering machine message to the Abba song 'Money, Money, Money.' the night before and leave it at that until the he's paid the money.
It's that simple really. Make it a fun little game you and he play. Look she's only doing this to get at him and to piss him off the only day of the month she is allowed to do so.
Seriously go to youtube and find songs to do with money, there are a lot and I'm sure you will have a bit of fun picking out one of the songs the night before.
I'm saying all this assuming that he has already spoken to her about how annoying that is and he will pay it, yeah? If not then he should do that.
Now if playing games is not something you want to do, then why doesn't he call her the day before, pre-empt her call by calling at a reasonable hour and telling her the money will be in in the morning. Or he could send a text that evening and say the same thing. It's not rocket science OP, it's just a matter of changing the dynamic here.
So switch it around and make it a fun game.
Don't let him turn it into some bullshit like "I have to answer in case somethings wrong with the kids" if there's something wrong she'll tell him at a different time. She's going to play games so just make it a game that's fun for you to play.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2011):
Don't take the call. or if that will cause her to escalate her behavior (and it might the first few months) then since he knows it's coming it should become a joke to the two of you...
January 1, 8 am the phone rings.. it's the ex on the caller ID.. LAUGH and go "here's our wake up call" take the call and just go "uh-huh, sure sure you betcha" do not give her more than she needs...
personally I like the idea of not taking the call. let it go to voice mail or ring off the hook... it will probably be a few months of annoyance with this to get her to stop.
IF she does not stop perhaps a cease and desist note from an attorney is in order....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 December 2011):
 The fact that she is so predictable and specific about when she calls should make this easier to deal with. Turn the ringer off the night before or program her phone number to go instantly to the machine.
She may think her call is the reason hs is so reliable, which is why she keeps doing it. If she sees that the funds arrive whether she talks to him or not, she may discontinue the reminders.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Time to:
1. Set boundaries with her: Tell her the call is not needed (but thank you for calling). Remind her the money comes on time each month.
2. No longer pick up her phone call.
3. For you: realize this is part of the baggage that comes with a boyfriend with an ex/child.
Does he have contact with the mother and child the rest of the month? Why does one call stress him out so much?
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