A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need a bit of advice. I have these two friends (who are very close, roommates with eachother, etc). I enjoy spending time with them as they are very fun, artsy, funny but I feel like they really take advantage of people.. especially me. They don't have a car so they always need rides somewhere, neither of them work full time so they never have any money and always complain about it yet refuse to take responsibility for their lives. I feel like whenever we hang out they expect me to pick them up, pay for them etc, and it gets REALLY old. They do it to other people as well but I feel like I get the brunt of it because I'm too nice. I've tried distancing myself from them but then they text me or Facebook me, asking why I don't like them, or insinuating that I'm a bad friend.Anyways, one of them has a birthday this weekend and so obviously she won't pay for anything. Several of us are going to a semi expensive restaurant for dinner and then to a bar after.. I'm afraid I'm going to have to end up footing the bill (as well as giving them a ride) and I just think it's unfair. They basically duped me into planning her whole party also. I've tried saying stuff like I'm very busy or don't have time for that and then they constantly guilt trip me. I also can't just cut them out of my life because we have many friends in common and I will always end up seeing them somewhere. I'm just not sure how to approach this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): I wouldn't have any sort of confrontation with them or anything, just stop letting them get away with it. When the bill arrives, put down your own share and not a penny more. Let them be embarassed when they have to explain why they went out for a meal they can't afford to pay for. If they ask and you feel uncomfortable explaining your motives, make up an excuse. Say you have had a pay cut or unexpected bills to pay so you are as hard up as them now. Play the poverty card alongside them when it's convenient for you, as they are doing. Also, don't let yourself feel obligated to pay for things. Stop offering and make them ask you every time. This won't stop while they are getting away with it. I would quietly stop doing it and if they question it play them at their own game. It is one thing taking advantage of your offer to pay, but you would have to have a very shiny brass neck to ask and expect it of you every time.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 February 2013):
 I'm with the other aunties..
JUST say no.
They are not MAKING you pay - they are making you FEEL like you have to pay. So by PAYING you tell them that the stunt they are pulling is OK with you and that you really don't MIND paying...
For our friends B-day. If you planned it I guess you HAVE to be there, but I would suggest that you CALL/TEXT all the other people coming and letting them know that you can NOT afford to pay for everything THEY need to chip in.
Telling people NO doesn't make you a bad friend or a bad person.
Last but not least, I would look for some new friends, those two doesn't really seem to know what being a friend means.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Like Nancy Regan said over and over "JUST SAY NO"
you have fun with them so you are afraid if you say NO to them they will stop asking to spend time with you...
are you afraid to find out they only like you because of what you do for them?
if you are going out with them and they don't live far you can offer a lift. but you say "hey i can give you a lift can you give me $5.00 for gas as it's getting really expensive"
when you go out... make sure you say IN ADVANCE of getting into the restaurant: "wow things are getting so expensive now a days, I've had to rework my budget so that I could manage to find enough to cover my meal tonight, I have no room for extras any more" that way you are not blindsiding them when the bill comes.
IF when the bill comes they don't offer to pay their own way I would take the bill go up to the place you pay and pay your part only. DO NOT be bullied into paying their way.
Sadly I sense you already know this means you won't be seeing these friends much any more....
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I think it's simple, just stop doing it. What I would do is have a talk with them and say "I like you as friends but you are taking advantage of me and it stops now." How you proceed depends on how they react. If they're appologetic and say they won't do it again then fine. If they get all snippy or try to guilt you again then say that's it and walk away. Ok you can't cut them out of your life because they are in your social circle but you can keep a distance from them and simply stop buying and doing them things. They will keep doing it as long as you let them, so stop it. It really is as simple as that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 They guilt trip you because you allow them to.
Stop volunteering your car and your wallet.
Become very busy elsewhere. Turn off your phone and the facebook notifications as well.
"Oh you are the sweetest girl ever, I am DEVASTATED beyond belief that I missed that text/facebook post/whatever. So so sorry, hope it all worked out for you. :}"
"Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry, I have like $5 to my name right now, I can't buy anything."
You are being too nice. Just let them experience life without a parachute. That's what you are, apparently.
It's not that hard, really. Do you have issues with needing to feel wanted and appreciated?
"Sorry, no, I can't do that."
"No, I can't.
"No, I'm busy."
"No."
"no
no
no
no
no
no
no
time to practice.....
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