A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I met this girl online a year or two ago. Long time, anyways, we just casually chatted for all that time and I wasn't really into her, I just wanted to be a friend to her. She's a shy type and I supposed she wanted me to ask her out but I never did.So after a while I start getting interested and I decide on asking her out. She was out of town when I did but we agreed on meeting next week. I didn't ask her out on a date again until a month later because I had started seeing another girl. This whole period was a mess. She didn't and doesn't know about that (not that it matters since we weren't exactly exclusive at this point), though. It was just a short, meaningless fling.So anyways, I ask her out on a date and we go on that date. It goes pretty okay, we strike a great conversation and I felt at ease with her and I hope she felt the same way with me (although she did seem a little nervous).We parted ways without a kiss, just a simple hug (I didn't want to complicate anything and decided to opt for just a friendly good-bye on the first date).We go on another date the day after and I'm getting pretty psyched for this girl. On our 2nd date I hold her hand for a brief moment and then let her go for another moment.I decide to hold her hand for the rest of the date but to my horror she is holding something in her hand every time I look to grab her hand.I get a little nervous and we go out to eat. I offer to pay but she refuses to let me. Again, a bad, bad sign and I'm freaking out at this point. At the end of the date I ask if she would like to meet up again and she responds with 'What?' 'Come again?' as if she didn't hear me THREE times and then finally says: 'Sure, just call me'.I must have been like a beaten dog at this point but I decide to attempt the kiss indirectly (just keeping my head in line in case she is going for it too) but I am greeted with the side of her face during the hug.So I think to myself: ''Maybe she's just super nervous''. I decide to not talk to her for 2 days but after 2 days I just can't take it anymore, watching her online on Facebook and not initiating a convo at all so I decide to. She responds immediately and jolly too. She's the same talkative cutie she's always been and I decide that it was just a fluke. She must have been carrying things in the wrong hand by accident and maybe she just didn't hear me. So I try to schedule another date at her house (she mentioned having baked too much for her to eat and I ask if I could help her tomorrow) but she just avoids the offer and changes subject. She then goes out of town for a week and she never talks to me, I always have to initiate the conversation.Now, I'm smarter than initiating a conversation with her all the time, I'm not going to come off desperate but I just didn't think this was the type of girl who you'd need these sort of 'tricks' for. She's very inexperienced and I am really falling for this girl after our 2nd date. What's her game? What's mine?Thanks!
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female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (16 February 2013):
I told you so. Glad you took my advice and talked to her. So glad to hear it has worked out. We women are confusing. :) Good luck to both of you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's still interested. She was just really awkward and did these things accidentally. I confronted her in the end haha.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Just write this one off and date other women. Put this down to a learning experience and behave like a gentleman in future.
Remember:
1) Keep dates light and funny. No intense conversations about stuff. Nothing emotional.
2) Compliment her ONCE only when you meet her, for example, "you look very nice".
3) DO NOT TOUCH. Keep your hands to yourself. If she likes you and touches you (pat on shoulder, arm, leg or whatever) then she's letting you know she comfortable with you. This doesn't mean you can grab away though. If she wants to hold your hand let her make the move.
4) When the date is finished, tell her you had a fun time. DO NOT arrange another date there and then. Just go for the kiss and if she turns her cheek you know you didn't have a chance with her and then walk away and don't call her again. If she does let you kiss her then do so and then walk away.
5) 5 days later call her and ask her out on another date. Not TWO days.
6) No texting except maybe once if she texts you when she gets home to say she had a fun time. Text her back "so did I". Then no texting unless she texts you first. No calling unless she calls you first for at least 5 days.
We all make mistakes. Don't worry about it. Write this one off and learn from it :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here.
I guess I will just leave her alone then.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I have to admit that it seems like she's a nice girl but either she is very very shy and nervous or more likely, she's not that into you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 February 2013):
There are girls who don't kiss on the first date, so you're not necessarily "out of there".
However no matter how you look at it I wouldn't be too enthusiastic about this girl. She's either not into you, playing games, or too inexperienced to feel comfortable with any affection.
The ball is in her court. If she contacts you then you know she likes you. If not then it's probably too much effort to continue with her.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 February 2013):
 she doesn't have a game, bro. lol. she's just not interested. women attempt to come across subtly when they're not interested so that they don't have to be a bitch. it wasn't a coinsidence she was always holding things in her hand. it was strategically placed there so she didn't have to hold your hand. and it was designed to give you the subtle impression she wasn't feeling it. and her not hearing you three times?? come on, man. you know she heard you. she just didn't want to have to be mean to your face and say hell no. so she was trying to avoid it completely, hoping you'd get the hint. with all those negative signs, you STILL went in for the kiss?? i gotta give you props for effort! but as a girl looking at this situation, you just looked a little desperate and clueless by this point.when you messaged her online a couple days later and she was being really friendly, that wasn't her showing interest. that was, once again, her trying not to be a bitch. as women, we have it engrained and hammered into our minds that we can't be mean to people (at least not to their faces - we are GREAT at doing it behind backs). so she was putting on her little friendly act so she didn't seem like a bitch. but she's NOT interested. get it out of your head that she's just playing games. there's no games being played here. she's just hoping you'll get the hint and leave her alone.I'm sorry it turned out this way, but i certainly know how women work. i happen to be one. lol. and i date them, so i know how crappy we are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): She could be shy or even have insecurity issues. weirdly enough thd odd awkward things happening to you every time you think your moment is there are the same things i did to my boyfriend. Not on purpose though. I didn't think he would want to do those things with me so soon even though we were established as boyfriend and girlfriend. i thought he would want to get to know me more and that he was gonna be as shy as i was and like i said didnt think he would try those things so soon was my top reason . I didn't want to look stupid if i thought he was going to do those things and then i respond and him not actually be trying to go for what i thought. lomg story short we have been together for 3 years now. things picked up. Although when we started we were kids who had no clue what we were doing or what it really meant to be in a relationship. no way to know though if you Dont talk to her. she may be too old to not know better though .
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A
female
reader, Stelladra +, writes (13 February 2013):
I think this girl is a bit, shy, nervous and cautious. I think she might have been really looking forward to a date with you the first time you asked her but then you blew her off for a month. And she sounds smart enough to figure out there was another woman too. She could probably figure it out on Facebook or something. So now she is being careful, maybe she is unsure of your feelings. Maybe she's heard you have a reputation with the ladies. Or just plain shy. Also sounds like a date at her housemaybe is too intimate for her and maybe she wanted you to take her out as dates in homes may get too sex oriented if you know what I'm saying.Here's what I'd do. I'd just be super up front with her. Call her, don't email, text or anything. Do it on the phone. Tell her you really like her but have gotten mixed signals. If she's not interested that is cool but you'd like to take her out on a date again. Take her somewhere, if money is an issue make it for coffee. Tell her you've liked her for a while but had to end things cleanly with someone else. That you really enjoy spending time with her and she is special to you.If all that doesn't work then she's not interested. Hope that helps and keep me posted on what happens. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (13 February 2013):
"I must have been like a beaten dog at this point but I decide to attempt the kiss indirectly (just keeping my head in line in case she is going for it too) but I am greeted with the side of her face during the hug.:
Read that last bit again...
"I AM GREETED WITH THE SIDE OF HER FACE"
She turned her head away. That's it buddy. You're out of there. No future at all romantically here.
Let me point a couple of things out from what you say:
"We parted ways without a kiss, just a simple hug (I didn't want to complicate anything and decided to opt for just a friendly good-bye on the first date)."
Why didn't you go for a kiss? A friendly hug good-bye says "I want to be your friend". It also says, "I'm a wimpy boy, not a man". A kiss says I want a girlfriend. If she turns her head away then you know she isn't that into you right away and don't have to waste your time with any more dates.
"I decide to hold her hand for the rest of the date but to my horror she is holding something in her hand every time I look to grab her hand."
Sorry, YOU decide to hold her hand? I'm afraid you've got all this the wrong way round. You don't touch her until she touches you first. By going for her hand all the time you come across as needy. Not only that, but how do you know she's comfortable enough to want to hold your hand? The only way you know is if she touches you first. You don't pat her, stroke her or hold her hand unless she makes the move. This is her way of telling you she is comfortable with you.
Let's read the last bit of that one again:
"SHE IS HOLDING SOMETHING IN HER HAND EVERY TIME I LOOK TO GRAB HER HAND"
What are you doing grabbing her hand? GRABBING? I'm surprised she made sure she had something in her hand to stop you from trying to hold it. YOu need to learn to keep your hands to yourself until she lets you know its ok. She lets you know by touching you first. Get it?
"I offer to pay but she refuses to let me. Again, a bad, bad sign..."
Yes that is a bad sign. It means she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. She isn't interested in you. After the friendly hug and all your hand-grabbing you turned her off COMPLETELY. Sometimes women might offer to pay their share of the bill (out of politeness) but the man should insist he pays. If she's adamant she will pay her way YOU ARE OUT. If she wants to see you again she'll let you get the bill and maybe offer to get you a drink next time your out. However, the fact she never wants to see you again, she doesn't want you to pay because she doesn't want to lead you on, or owe you anything. She doesn't want to use you, she is just not interested.
"At the end of the date I ask if she would like to meet up again and she responds with 'What?' 'Come again?' as if she didn't hear me THREE times and then finally says: 'Sure, just call me'."
THREE times??? And you haven't taken the hint? She isn't interested in you at all by now. In your mind the date went ok. In her mind it was the date from hell. Some guy can't keep his hands to himself to the point she has to make sure he can't.
Here's a clue for you:
"we strike a great conversation and I felt at ease with her and I hope she felt the same way with me (although she did seem a little nervous)."
She didn't feel the same way with you. She was nervous because you basically kept pushing your luck. You came across on the first date as a needy, wimpy, letch. This is a first date! You don't even know each other properly yet but already you're grabbing her? I suspect you feel the conversation was great but I bet she didn't. What did you talk about? I imagine it wasn't light-hearted and funny. I bet it was a serious conversation and you talked about your past and emotions etc. I bet you complimented her lots too right?
After all these red flags (hug, grabbing, "come again", turning her cheek when you go for a kiss) you still think...
"'Maybe she's just super nervous''
Wake up man! Around you, of course she is. Let me be blunt with you. If she was interested she would've touched you first. A pat on the arm, a pat on the leg, a small touch/stroke of some sort. That's her saying "I feel comfortable with you and attracted to you". Your ego is making excuses and thinking of every possible reason for her behaviour when the fact is SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. On another date, with another man, she won't be nervous because he won't be trying to grab her all the time.
"I decide to not talk to her for 2 days but after 2 days I just can't take it anymore, watching her online on Facebook and not initiating a convo at all so I decide to."
My god! It's been TWO days! TWO DAYS! I'm sorry but you are too needy/clingy. So after two days passed you couldn't bear it anymore so you decided to start a conversation on Facebook? Lets put the shoe on the other foot for a minute here. If she was as interested in you, as you are in her, then she'd be going mad having not spoken to you for TWO days and would be trying to start a conversation with you. She didn't. Know why? You are interested in her (very, very interested). However, she has no interest in you at all... EVER. Right now she's thinking I can't get rids of this clingy/needy-almost-stalker man.
"She responds immediately and jolly too. She's the same talkative cutie she's always been and I decide that it was just a fluke. She must have been carrying things in the wrong hand by accident and maybe she just didn't hear me."
Of course. This is social media. Its great for keeping you at a distance. You seem to decide a lot about her behaviour. The problem you don't decide anything. She does.
Maybe she just didn't hear you? THREE times? No chance at all. She wasn't listening to you and was busy thinking "this guy is nuts". She was probably shocked you even asked three times. She might not hear you once. But THREE times?
I have to say you are verging on delusional here. Stop making excuses for her behaviour and answer this one simple question; do her actions show you she is interested in you romantically?
The answer i simple. NO.
Oh so she must've been carrying thing in the wrong hand by accident? I don't think so. If you were Jonny Depp she'd drop everything in both hands to hold yours.
"So I try to schedule another date at her house (she mentioned having baked too much for her to eat and I ask if I could help her tomorrow) but she just avoids the offer and changes subject."
She avoids your offer? Certainly. Now she's thinking, "this guy can't take a hint, actually he's a bit of a creep". You don't schedule a date at her house. She doesn't even want to hold you hand or kiss you, why would she want you in her home on a date? Rather than say no, she just ignores you.
Remember when you asked her out on another date? What did she do? She ignored you (three times).
"She then goes out of town for a week and she never talks to me, I always have to initiate the conversation."
So what does this tell you? She is not interested in you. She'll talk to you, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by turning you down. She's hoping if she ignores you, after a while you'll go away (no romance here). You'll never get another date. I'm 100% certain of that fact.
This is what will happen until either;
A) You get the hint, realise this is NOT going to happen and move on or;
B) She'll get so fed up she'll just tell you to go away/leave her alone.
"Now, I'm smarter than initiating a conversation with her all the time, I'm not going to come off desperate"
I'm afraid you already have come across as too desperate. Have you actually read what you've written and thought, 'if I were someone else reading this, what why I think about this person?'
You don't need any tricks. You need to slow down. Let a girl let you know if/when she's ready for any touching rather than grabbing away.
"She's very inexperienced and I am really falling for this girl after our 2nd date."
I'm afraid you're the one who is very inexperienced and this is a lost cause.
You can, however, learn from this and NOT repeat any of this poor behaviour again. Take things slow with girls in future and let her come to you. She'll let you know if/when she likes you, when SHE is ready. You don't decide whether she's going to offer you a "next date". The woman decides that.
Sorry, my writing here might seem harsh but I'm not going to dress it up so you give me 5 stars. I'm telling you to save you from further embarrassment and also so, hopefully, you learn from this experience and NEVER behave/act like this again.
What's her game? She's off. She's out of there. You scared her off. You're still scaring her off.
What's your game? You just keep telling yourself any excuses you can think of to give yourself false help.
This is over. Move on, find another nice girl and next time behave properly and take things slooooooooow.
Good luck buddy!
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