A
male
age
30-35,
*ossie
writes:Good day allBefore I begin here is some background. I have been dating the same girl for 8 years since 2006. We started going out in 11th grade. When we went to university I studied engineering and she studied law. I finished my degree and she flunked out in the first semester, changing courses for the next 2 years before finally settling on education. As things stand now I have been working for 3 years and she is in her final year of studies. Now that you have some background here is my story:She is an amazing girl with a soft heart, very low self esteem and who stresses a lot. She is a glass empty type of person and always first shouts before trying to find a solution. In our first year at varsity I started having doubts about our relationship and started flirting with this girl on facebook - just flirting nothing more nothing less. My gf found out and it shattered her confidence even more. But we worked passed it and have been happy ever since. What I really want to focus on is the last year. I never asked her to marry me initially because I had a study loan to pay off and I wanted her to finish her degree (as I mentioned she changed courses and this made me think she cant finish what she started). But now my loan is paid in full and she gets her degree in June and yet I cant even get myself to buy a ring. Why? Well, the answer is not that simple.In June 2013 me and some friends went to a wine festival and my gf couldn't go. There were some girls there as well that camped with us. Particularly one girl. She is about 2 years older than me, very successful, also an engineer, likes the same music I do, very positive person, yet also very sweet and loves animals. I met her about a year before the festival and always though she is pretty cool, but it stopped there. We went to a Chevelle with the same group of friends (again without the gf) and we hit it off completely, but back then she didn't know I was taken. Fastforward back to the wine festival. I really got along with her and she pretty much made me question my entire life. Right now I'm stagnating in my career and she gave me inspiration to do something with my life. With my gf we always just watch movies and go to restaurants. With her we went skydiving and bungee jumping. I am finally feeling alive again because my gf never wants to do these things. She always complains there isn't enough money, but there is. I make enough to pay for everything. She just feels bad that she is not contributing to our income at the moment.So after the wine festival I really questioned what am I doing with my life? Why am I wasting it in front of the TV? We moved in together about a month later and the first month went smoothly, but afterwards I started feeling smothered. I am someone who NEEDS to be alone at least an hour a day. Whether it is playing games, reading a book or playing guitar. I must be alone otherwise I get frustrated. Moving in with my gf also wasn't planned. It was merely to help her parents out who is renting their old house to us. They don't want randoms staying in their house. This put some stress on me because I wanted to buy my own property and now because of the rent cant afford my own apartment to rent out to other people. In September everything collapsed and I could do it anymore, I had to be on my own and I broke up with my gf and went home to my parents. The next day I went to get some things (pc, guitar etc.)and she was there and we ended up talking about all our issues and I finally got everything off my chest and we understood each other and that we both need to do some work. We then unfortunately had the most amazing sex ever and that sealed the deal. I moved back in and we started sorting things out. All in all while this was going on I had wine festival girl in my mind. I really cant stop thinking about her. We then went skydiving together and really had a blast on new years eve. GF was there on both occasions but chickened out on the skydiving. So now we want to go to Amsterdam in September, but once again the gf doesn't want to do it. She is more concerned about other things. Wine girl is game for it and that made me think again. Why do I need someone in my life that is so negative all the time, she never wants to do anything and it is always an issue. My writing skills isn't up to par and I fear I couldn't portray effectively how awesome wine girl is. She really is beautiful, successful, smart, funny, a go getter, sweet and most of all laughs at my stupid jokes. Is it wrong of me to want to leave my girl of 8 years for someone I barely know? Do I just want what I cant have? Or is it real? I used to stare at other girls a lot, but ever since I started crushing on wine girl I feel disgusted to look at other girls. I only want her. If I could drop everything I'm doing right now without consequence I would phone here and go drink a coffee with her. I actually just want to talk and listen to her. Although she is beautiful I feel sick imagining anything sexual with her, like she is an innocent princess and I want to protect her from all the evils in the world. But this cant happen without me destroying the world of someone else. So today I saw her post a pic of a guy she was on a date with on instagram and it shattered me. I think I realize now that I missed my window. If I had broken up with my girl that could've been me. But now it is new guy. And I don't know how to feel about this. I am such a coward.
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male
reader, Mossie +, writes (7 January 2015):
Mossie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey all! Thanks for all the replies! I think more than anything I just needed to vent my frustration and being able to type it out (badly) already did me some good. I want to say especially thank you to WiseOwlE, you weren't harsh. It was the truth and everything you said had already crossed my mind at some point. I know the grass isn't greener, I know wine girl is merely the focus point off my situation and not the cause, I know I am wasting my time, I know I am wasting my girlfriends time, it is just really difficult to destroy someone who I do still love, albeit not enough to want to spend the rest of my life with.It is the first time in my life that I have to really make a life altering decision and I find it very difficult. Like many have stated: I do not know what I want and that bothers me. Why would I hurt someone that really loves me and would do anything for me? When did my heart become so cold? If it was merely lust I could even justify it by saying it is not love and I only want action, but it isn't. I crave something else, I crave change, I crave control. Control to do what I want, when I want and without having to explain to anyone why I am doing what I am doing. I do not mind compromise so much, but I think it might be easier if it wasn't necessary for too much compromise. I don't want to entertain my gf every time we go out. When we go out she cant hold a conversation with other people unless they are gossiping. I don't want to get home after a night out with our friends only for her to complain about how she felt out and how so and so has an issue with her. You will all be happy to know I will be seeing a psychologist tomorrow (lol I really need to get my shit together) and hopefully he has some insight that will help. I also realize that I will easily be ok with everything once we break up (except moving out, that's gonna be SO AWKWARD). But I fear she might take months to stop hurting from the pain I'm about to cause her. She "broke up" with her best friend last year and I cant even mention her name without her getting mad. But it anything happens I will keep you guys posted. Once again thank you for the replies.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): You're not doing your girlfriend any favours by staying with her - she's v. negative and needs counselling and to sort herself out. By staying with her you are enabling her to stay in that negative state.
As to you - you lack confidence and you stay with her because you haven't got the bravery or the decency to move on. She's a bit like a mother to you - boring, negative but in a way consistent and reliable. Grow a pair for her sake and yours.
It's a well known fact that people have great sex sometimes after they decide to break up and then reunite - your emotions have just been on a roller-coaster and this heightens the sex, like a drug would, it intensifies everything - it means no more than that, so don't let it fool you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Just end it with your girlfriend. She's a dud. She's weighed-down by her insecurities and imperfections. Throughout the very long post you wrote, you don't once say you love her, and you paid far more compliments to the other woman than you did to her. All you did was criticize her, paragraph after paragraph.
In the thousands of posts I've read and responded to on DC, very few have been as skillful and artful at justifying emotionally cheating on your mate. If she is so flawed, why don't you just dump her? You're not doing her any favors holding on to her out of pity. You're not doing yourself any favors putting up with such a sub par girlfriend. She sounds as interesting as a bowl of cold oatmeal. It's quite noble of you to continue carrying her dead-weight; when you could be jumping out of planes and bungee jumping with an intellectual beauty queen.
The grass is way more greener on the other side. The beauty you can't have, is always better than the nag you're stuck with. When it becomes easier to think of things you don't like about someone you're with, than the things you do like. Most people consider that incompatibility and reason to breakup. Nobody is forcing you to keep the woman you're with. You're full of should have's, could have's, and would have's. Let her go already!!!
If it was meant for you to be with the bungee jumping beauty, she'd already be your girlfriend. What makes you so absolutely sure you're the type of guy she wants? It's odd that such a fantastically magical woman didn't notice you long beforehand. That she didn't just snap you up when she realized how full of life and excitement you are as a man.
Funny how she overlooked all your wonderful attributes.
Even stranger, is that with all your confidence and ambition; you don't have the guts to dump someone you don't need, and go for what you think you deserve!
You're totally idolizing her and placing her so high up on a pedestal; that when you've finally gotten to know who she really is. Aside from her fun side, you'll hate her for not maintaining the image of perfection that you perceive her to be. So perfect in every way, and so right for you. It would be a total burden on her shoulders to always be fun, beautiful, and exciting. Many women are destroyed by the very men who worship the ground she walks on. Because he idolizes her gifts, what's special or superficial; and sees nothing more within her.
Alas, she slipped away!!! Only because destiny designed someone else for her. Her life is meant to go another direction from yours. You didn't miss any window. It just wasn't meant to be. Fate didn't like your reasons for holding on to the heart of the one you have, when you feel in your heart; she isn't good enough for you. So you lose!
That's a little dose of karma.
Woe is you and that ball and chain you call your girlfriend.
Why is this guy being so harsh, you ask? I'm not being harsh. I'm being straightforward; because too often men rationalize away why they are checking out other women, while they hang-on to women they really don't give a crap and two cracked eggs for. They let the woman latch-on and cling-on for dear-life; when he is dreaming of being single and with other women. Then out of the blue, he drops this woman, and goes for his dreams. Next thing you know, nine months to a year later, he's contacting "the old ball and chain" to find out how she's doing. To reopen her wounds. Why? Because he got a big-fat dose of reality. Nobody's as perfect as you perceive them to be! The grass isn't always greener, and you may not be as great of a boyfriend as you may think you are. The old ball and chain sees things in you that all those perfect women don't! You'll finally see the flaws in the women you idolize, and even discover they are even worse than you could ever imagine. You don't know anything about that other woman outside her looks and her fun side. That by no means makes her the one that got-away. She wasn't meant for you. Some women put on a complete act to be what men want them to be, thinking it will increase their appeal. It works, but they can only keep-up the facade for so long. Once they trap what they want, the real person she is comes out.
In short, nobody's perfect.
Lessons to be learned? Don't commit to women with too many flaws and insecurities. If you discover over-time she's not what you thought, let them go; so they can get-over you and work on themselves. Don't prolong the agony by allowing them to become so emotionally-dependent and attached; that when you do let her go, she's emotionally distraught and psychologically destroyed. No good to herself or anyone else. Read these posts and you'll see what I mean.
That my friend, is why I am being so tough with you. Not because you're a bad guy. It is because you're a dishonest guy. Dishonest with yourself and with your girlfriend.
Set her free. Don't blame her for missing your window to happiness. Now you'll not only compare her to another woman; you'll view her as a mess, and you'll resent her for keeping you from someone you wanted. You'll treat her with less respect and you'll be critical and unkind to her. Dreams are unreal. You'll see hundreds of dream-girls; and they will disappear out of your life as dreams are supposed to do.
The reality is, you took eight years out of a woman's life and you don't intend to marry her. You're rationalizing and making-up excuses for why you wasted her time and your own.
The bungee-jumping beauty queen didn't getaway, she was meant for someone else. Perhaps someone who saw more of what was beneath her surface and more into her soul. Someone who may have a more mature approach to love and relationships.
Eight years is a lot of life, and a long time to take from someone you don't think is good enough for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): you seem although you are not sure what you want at all .
Best bet is to end it with your current gf , as you stated she does not do the things you want to do .
And like you said she has already got low confidence so all these little pick me ups and put me downs are not going to help her .
Do not worry about the wine girl , there is not once special person out there for anybody , we can easily bond and get on really well with many people , it just depends on a time and a place.
but yeah spend some time just with you and not with a partner , you may find out what you want then
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 January 2015):
 Well, I think (hindsight is always annoying, but here it is) you should have broken up with your GF a long time ago.
YOU had no problems developing feeling for someone else and in a way distancing yourself from the GF, but NOT giving her up, not leaving her.
I think when a person CAN develop feelings (as strong as yours are for "wine girl" you are no longer REALLY wanting to BE with the GF.
You say you would drop EVERYTHING for this girl, but you don't. Because you don't want to hurt your GF. But STAYING out of guilt and familiarity IS hurting her. You ARE resenting your GF a tad for NOT being "wine girl" and that isn't fair. Not on your GF, not on you.
IF you have a hard time seeing a future with your GF, NOW is the time to end it. Not only for you sake but for you GF, you shouldn't WASTE more of her time, if you are THIS uncertain. SHE isn't going to BE "wine girl" - she is WHO she is. I think you and the GF have grown apart. 8 years is a LONG time to BE a couple and not move forward, not move in or get engaged/married. So you ARE holding back.
But don't go chasing "wine girl" right off the bat. Don't JUMP from one girl to another. Not fair on "wine girl" either.
Another thing, DO NOT put poor "wine girl" up on this "perfect princess" pedestal. She is a person, not an artifact.
Time to do some soul searching and figure out what you REALLY want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): I think you need to break up with your girlfriend, it doesn't matter that wine girl is dating anyone because it's clear you do not love your girlfriend anymore, do it for her. There will be other 'winegirls' when you're single, there are tonnes of positive people out there start living. It is NOT fair on your girlfriend not to when you're just thinking about leaving her all the time.
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