A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused Sandy
writes:I really need your advice here- I'm female (27) been dating this amazing man (35) who's separated but still married that I met online, -we went on four amazing dates (2 dinners, drinks and an art exhibition). We instantly clicked and we had amazing chemistry and the best times he said he really liked me. He seemed smitten and we would hold hands etc in public. On fourth date I went back to his place after the dinner (we didn't have sex just made out as I didn't feel ready yet) I senses he wanted to sleep with me but he wasn't too pushy and understood that I wasn't ready yet.When I got to his place I was a little nervous as I really liked him and knew it didn't feel right sleeping with him so soon. I saw he had two bikes and I questioned him why there was two bikes as something didn't feel right. He said it was his exs and that she needs to pick it up. I got a little upset and asked him again about whether he is still married for a reason- whether he is hoping this wife would me back. He's said he's been seperated for a year. He got upset and said he's not with her anymore and he's not going back to her and he's a man of integrity and he went as far as getting him phone out to show me the communication between them to convince me there was nothing going on. I apologised for making him feel uncomfortable, I explained I didn't want to get hurt and we carried on kissing. I shortly got a cab home and he texted me saying he had a lovely time. Four days went by and I didn't hear from him. I sent him a message saying hi and he replied a few days later saying "Hope your weekend's going well beautiful. I've been thinking things through and I really like you a massive amount - on reflection though I think there's always going to be too many concerns that you have with my past relationships for things to work out properly. Sorry. It makes things feel not quite right to me. Let me know if you want to talk through. x" - I don't know what to make of it. I really regret questioning him about the bikes and his ex, I was just nervous. I replied saying I would like to talk through and if he could call me and he agreed and is calling me tonight. Is he dumping me before we became anything or is he unsure about me? I really like this guy and thought he felt the same? Please help- confused Sandy
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 October 2014):
 Good luck and in the future I'd stay clear of married ones... They may call it separated, they MAY not live with that person, but if a divorce hasn't been initiated there is a REASON for that.
Less drama, less baggage.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): So, I spoke to him this evening and the whole conversation was very intense, he made it seem like we were in a serious relationship already- he was extremely serious and it felt extremely awkward. I tried to make a light hearted joke out of how we have really only just met and iv just been enjoying the fun times and getting to know him and expressed I didn't mean to offend him in any way.
He made such an issue of it being a major concern that I asked him as I also briefly mentioned it before but never felt like he gave me a proper answer. I joked about whether he was giving me the chop and he said no but it contradicted how he didn't want it to go further. The whole thing has put me off him if in completely honest and I'm not sure I want to see him again.
Thanks for all your comments, they massively helped my decision! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): Thank you both for your responses! Really appreciate your insight. Makes me feel like I wasn't being unreasonable. I was really just hoping he was genuine and not one of these guys who are looking for a distractions. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2014):
You write:
**I really regret questioning him about the bikes and his ex**
WHY? It was an honest question. It made SENSE to ask.
HE IS still married. For all intent and purpose. Separated doesn't mean single, because LEGALLY... HE is still married. I know MANY people feels it's OK to date while separated, but to me THAt is the time period where you reflect on WHAT went wrong and take the time to get over that marriage/relationship.
If he "dumps" you over this, then it isn't about the bike or you asking a pretty INNOCENT question, it's about him not wanting ANYONE to questions what he is doing.
Personally, I'd let him know when the divorce is final he can look me up, I might (I might not) still be single. BUT DO NOT put your life on hold while he decides whether to get divorced or not.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 October 2014):
 Your questions probably simply reminded him of the fact he wasn't 'really" ready for a fling. You had every right to examine his status and his intentions. I'm glad your instincts made you feel sometning wasn't right. Follow your instincts. even my "spidey senses' say not a great idea here. "warning - warning Will Robinson" (before your time I bet). Oh well, never mind. Good Luck with your next relationship this one needs to be packed up and put in the lessons learned box.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): He wants to date a woman before he is divorced and prefers no questions asked. You questions are valid. For him to think a woman won't have concerns regarding his relationship status is a bit over the top.
He may have legitimate reasons for not moving forward with his divorce, but until the divorce papers are served, legally he is a married man.
Not sure he is dumping you. Update us on the phone call tonight.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2014):
 You are essentially dating a married man. Yes he may be legitimately living apart from his wife.. but if after a year apart they have not filed the papers to divorce I would want to know why. (for my first divorce we had a very good reason, I was a stay at home mom and wanted to me legally married 10 years to him to get benefits when we retired and was not sure I would have enough of my own work history)
Where i Live there is no such thing as a separation you are either married or single or divorced. Therefore even when we lived apart for three years and I bought my own home without him, i was still LEGALLY and technically married to him.
He may or may not be dumping you but the truth is YOU need to dump him first till the divorce is final unless you can get a very good reason from him as to why they have not yet filed.
FWIW, having her bike in his place (if she moved from a place they shared) might be a legitimate thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): Well excuse you for trying to clarify the nature of his relationship with his WIFE.
You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. It would have been naive to blindly walk into this without trying to understand. It is completely unreasonable of him to expect his legal commitment with someone else not to come into question when he's courting someone else.
What would he have you do? Hang onto his wvery word even if you don't understand? Partners are understanding. He's shown himself to be anything but.
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