A
female
age
41-50,
*eedygf
writes:It's a typical story. Of a needy girl.I shall begin with 2010. Back then I was with a guy for almost two years, we lived together and bought a new apartment which was not yet ready. I saw it as a very stable relationship so I basically let myself go. Like I made all the mistakes a girl can ever do in a relationship. I stopped caring my appearence, being very needy, complained about not spending quality time with him even when we lived together, always critised him and worst, alwasy fight about when he'll marry me. In the end, he left me for another girl while he was on a business trip. (The story is pretty much similar to Meg Ryan's movie "French Kiss".) My heart was broken. After a few depressing months, I picked myself up and starting dating a guy in my office. He also just came out of a long term relationship then. His gf broke up with him for another guy right before his plan to propose. Since we're both in the similar situation, we started to talk, then date, then offical together. I wanted to rush in another "stable relationship", I wanted another someone special to fill the gap in my life, to make me happy. While clearly he was still healing from his past relationship. In the end, he broke up with me after one month.Up to then, I still didn't realize I was being needy, clingy and dependent. I thought I just had bad luck in love. After being broken hearted twince in less then six months, I was really depressed. I couldn't take the depression anymore and decided to do something about it. I met some girls on a social website for some girls' night out. Then I became a party animal. Went clubbing like two days a week, getting drunk and flirting dancing with guys I don't even like. Even though my self esteem was boosted a bit by those random guys, deep inside I still felt empty. I tried dating website, and dated a couple of guys. One of them became a good friend later on. But still, no one special out there.It's when I was giving up the hope of finding true love, and thinking that I might have to drink the rest of my life through misery. He came along. He was in town for internship for just a year. And he was 7 years younger than me. I know him through a party, we danced because everyone else got someone to dance with. We didn't start romanticly. We both thought that the other person was a player. But spending some time together, we fell in love and got together. Everything was great, it's a cliche, but I still have to say that, he made me feel special, unique and loved. Although I knew that he looked at me like a puppy looked at his master because I was all he had in this city. So when he went back his hometown for university, my neediness surfaced. Basically we lived in two different continent. Our LDR went smoothly for the first few months because I was going to visit him during new year. In march, I moved to Canada, I told him because I wanna an adventure. But the truth is, I can't stay in this city becuase I saw his shadow everywhere. And since he's starting a new phase in life (university), I don't want to be the old boring me. Maybe I was just trying to impress him.And it was a mistake. I arrived in mid March. The weather was still cold. Everything was grey. I don't know anyone there. I stayed at a friend's friend's friend's place. I was jobless, lonely and futureless. I started to become very sensitive and over thinking because I had too much time in my hand. One day, I decided to call him. He didn't pick up at once. And second time, he picked up and said he's at his sister's place and he'd like to talk later. It triggered my insecurity immediately. I called my guy friend back home and cried. My guy friend said, there must be something fishy because he'll never do that to his gf. So I panicked, very panicked. I called him back and asked when he'll be home and I wanted to skype with him.That's the start of a crack in my heart.After one and half month, I finally got a job. Not difficult, but paid is minimum. And I didn't see any future out of it. But for the sake of money, I took it. And started a crappy routine of wake up, work, come home, cook, internet... I didn't have any friends to spend time with.I just realized that's when I started to be very very needy. I wrote long and emotional emails to him, saying how our relationship will be better if he can spend more time to skype with me, and hint to him that he didn't reply my messages fast enough, that he didn't like my photos on facebook anymore. I cried almost every time when we skype. At first, he was very kind and replied all my long emails and tried to comfort me. One time, after our skype session, he wanted to go to the supermarket, I asked if we can skype again after he came back because I felt very bad that day. He did. But I then realized now, I felt bad almost every time we skype. I wasn't the fun me anymore.I used to think that it's because he didn't pay enough attention to me. I mean when I asked some of my girlfriends back home, they basically text their boyfriends every minute. So I thought if he really loves me, why can't he do the same? If he can't, means he doesn't care or love me. This idea scared me and made my neediness worst. He used to facebook message me if he missed my call, he is tight on money so sometimes he can't call back. And when sometimes I was too craving for his attention I'll suggest breakup, and he'll stop me. But when he started to ignore my calls, and I'll panic and called like twenty times to make sure he saw I called. And he started to be a bit distant, less email, less skype session, started to ignore my calls sometime. And I trying to pull him back. It's kind of a vicious cycle.I quit my job and came back to my country in Aug for my sister's convocation. I suggested that I can visit him before going back to Canada, but then he gave me some excuses like visiting family and stuff. My heart sank. To make it worst, he missed our skype the next day and didn't let me know. I called his phone it was off, and i called his house like hundered times. When I finally reach him, he just said he went to a town nearby with his friends and didn't come back in time. It was the first time I yelled at him. I closed the skype. The next day I called him another twenty times, and he ignored. He sent me a message saying that he needed time to think about things. And I shouldn't say that he didn't care about me or us. That's when I googled "why he needs space" and found out that I'm needy. After one week of no contact, he called me and want to skype with me. I asked if I've lost him, he said no. I mentioned about visiting him again, but he still said no. He said he wanted to focus on his study because it's the exam he can't afford to fail.Then after the skype, I finally get the guts to write him another email, telling him that his behavior and my insecurity combined and made me a unpleasant person to be with. He arranged a skype with me on Sunday. Then I told him that being in a new country alone made me really depressed, and I am indeed very sorry about all the things. And I know how I annoyed him sometimes about my serial calls. He told me that he also acted a bit selfish because he's trying to focus on himself. (He told me before he's very worried about his future. He didn't like his course so he transferred to another one, but he's still not sure. And he's not sure what's going to be in the future career wise.) This LDR has became very difficult for him and he couldn't see the future of us anymore. He even said his feeling to me decreased. He used to belive that it'll work, but not anymore. Of course he said things like "you're still the most important person besides my family" and things like "maybe when i graduate and things get better we can be together again". He wanted to keep in contact as friends. I told him it'll be too difficult for me because I love him and don't want to just be his friend.I thought that if a guy love you enough, he can torlerate no matter how needy you are. Am I wrong?I don't know what to do now. I know I have been a drama queen and needy girlfriend for the pass few months. I really hope that's the only reason why his feeling for me decreased. Because I hope that when he sees that I can change, he can give us another try. I know I'll be fine eventually (hopefully). But it's something too special to leave it this way. Is it really mostly my fault? I just don't want to think that his interest was being distracted by someone else.(He said he can guarantee that he's alway being faithful to me and I shouldn't doubt that.) Is there anything I can do to fix the situation? I'm feeling okay as I did see it coming. But since then, it's only been two days and maybe I'm still in the denial stage.However, there's a hole in my heart now and I wish I can fix it by fixing the situation.Please help me by saying anything. I just wanna talk and listen. But I don't want to worry my sister.
View related questions:
broke up, clubbing, depressed, drunk, facebook, fell in love, flirt, money, needs space, player, self esteem, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 That makes sense. He didn't really want to do the LDR to begin with because it's so hard and he was essentially proven right, it is very hard. Don't worry that you won't find another love, you will. Things like this have to happen to teach us about ourselves. We have all lost a great love or a few great loves but it's all for a reason. I'm glad to hear you are thinking you may move back home. You have options and that's great. Now you just have to move on like any break up. Don't rush into meeting someone else to take his place, it takes time to get over this. And also to help ease neediness you need to be alone and on your own and happy with yourself. If you can see a counselor that could be a good idea too. You can find out the cause of the neediness. I don't think it will hinder you completely, as I am just as bad off as you in that department and it worked out, just need to find someone very compatible. When you move on from this ex of course. Everything will be fine in time. I've been through very tough break ups I never thought I'd EVER move on from or feel the same way again. But we heal and even the toughest of break ups we move on from.
A
female
reader, needygf +, writes (6 September 2012):
needygf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the replies.
Thank you Stayc63088 for being so patient reading and replying such long story.
From the beginning I know I'm a very needy person. I just didn't know that the condition can actually become so serious that I almost think I'm sick.
It kills me to think that we used to love each other so much, but just because of the distance we can't go on. I had some relationship and met some guys before, I know how difficult to find someone who loves you and you loves him back dearly. Love is rare, I'm just afraid of letting go. What if I can't find back such great love again?
He didn't want to do LDR at the beginning, he wanted to keep in touch and if in the future things get better we can be together again. But he changed his mind the last minute. And now I screwed up, and left bad impression to him.
And Stayc63088 you're right. I'm also thinking about moving back home. But will stay in Canada for a few more months and then decide.
It sucks to be single while all your friends are married or happily attached. Maybe that's why I wanted to move out of my hometown so much in the beginning. I felt that I'm the only one standing alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (5 September 2012):
I read your update just now. I am the same way. I want to be with my significant other every second of the day. I want to know what he is doing at all times. What has happened though is over time I am getting more independent. When I first met my husband I needed to see him all the time. We broke up in the beginning because he didn't want such a relationship, he needed a lot of space. What I never did was call or text constantly. If he didn't call or text me back after I sent one then that was left at that. I never came off as desperate, I was always able to keep those thoughts in check and to myself. I made it known I wanted to spend all of my time with my bf but if he didn't feel the same way I moved on. I really think that is the difference. If I called constantly and showed my neediness I'm sure he would've been long gone as it comes off as scary, rather than being someone who just likes to spend all my time together. My husband, bf at the time, came around after a month of me not speaking to him and we saw each other every day after that point.
Where I am now, I can handle not seeing him for a few hours. After such a long time of being together all the time you will want a small amount of time to yourself sometimes and it will be fine when he wants the same. I still want to know what he's doing all the time, which he knows, but I don't ask him. I just trust him instead and keep the paranoia and anxiety to myself mostly. I plan the see a counselor for it when I get on some kind of insurance because the anxiety and fear of anything he could be doing becomes too much. I think you can meet someone despite needing to see them every second, I did, you just need to be mindful of how you approach it.
And you will need to get past this LDR ex. Needing to see someone all the time doesn't go well with someone you can't see at all. I doubt he will come back to wanting to date you unless you were somehow living in the same area again and you can apologize for the craziness of the last months of your relationship. You definitely can't and won't be able to continue the LDR. He won't want to and you can't and shouldn't want to either. You need someone in person and until he could do that it won't ever, ever work. Again it brings out the worst in you. That's not good for you or him. And after being alone you may think you could do better at it, but it ends up the same way. I've been here a couple times, I know. You just have to move on now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (5 September 2012):
I am a very clingy person myself. It seems you can't be alone, which I am the same way. I think you moving to Canada was the first mistake. I understand to a degree getting out of this place that reminded you of him, but you left EVERYONE behind. You are now on your own in a new strange country and he is essentially all you have, in a different continent. I can imagine I would end up just as you did.
LDR's are very hard work. You can't see each other all the time anymore so you need to be able to be secure with yourself and relationship as well as finding things to fill your time until you can speak to him. Being in a new place with no one made that impossible. You then clinged to him because he was all you had. Yet he is in his hometown, he has plenty to do. I think this is understandable. Is there any way you can move back home permanently or are you set on living in Canada? Some people are strong enough to venture out completely alone and not need someone or can easily meet a lot of new friends. I know I couldn't.
I feel bad for you but also for your bf. I can tell he really cared and was trying. But after so long of fighting and being upset more often than happy it took its toll. And then not seeing a person already makes it easier to become distant. Over time he became unsure of the relationship actually working. I don't think anyone could put up with this type of relationship. There's no way there would be no doubt in your mind you will make it when you fight and cry and don't even see them anymore. You then start to doubt if love is enough. And trust me, plenty of people can love someone wholeheartedly and cannot make a relationship work with them. An example would be if you were cheated on. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can handle the distance and neediness. It becomes too much.
I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. You have to let him go for now and try to keep busy and find your own life. You were depending on him for your happiness towards the end because you had nothing happy in your life. And him being happy made you feel even worse. You need to find your own happiness first.
I'm not sure how needy you are now or how much of it was because of the distance and being so alone. But you realized your mistakes in your first relationship, so don't make those again. And the second relationship was pretty much doomed from the start because he wasn't ready yet. I don't think it is all completely on you, aside from the first one, but more of a bad situation you find yourself in that brings out the worst in you. Which can happen to anyone and has happened to me. If you do find someone make sure he is in person. Some people aren't cut out and able to do an LDR. And then be yourself. If you find yourself making the same mistakes, slow down and find some time for yourself doing something you enjoy.
I'm glad that you were able to explain to your ex bf why you were calling the way you did. I think he understands and doesn't find you to be needy or insane, just unhappy and alone. Oh and I totally get the paranoia you were feeling as well. You sound so similar to me it's scary. Anyway don't get too discouraged by these relationships. If you know yourself and avoid bad situations that trigger your neediness you can definitely end up happy. You are still young and it was only 3 bad times you mentioned. That's nothing in the grand picture of your life. All will be well. If you feel lonely still you can talk to me or any other aunt on here, I am always happy to talk. I would still reccomend trying to move back to your hometown and family and friends though if it's possible. I hope I didn't jump too much all over the place and covered all I wanted to say because it was a lot.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Were you like that before he moved away? Or was this a consequence of the distance? I think that this can be a good opportunity for you to consider why you act this way and what you can do to change. No man wants that much attention and control forced upon him...no woman either.
I was similar to this with one of my boyfriend's. But the reason I became that way is because he because distant emotionally, so I became overly controlling and/or demanding. Definitely not myself at all. Distance between two people, whether physical, emotion, or both, can make us do things we wouldn't normally do. The reason why is because we think we're losing the person we care about most.
I do not know whether you were like that before he left, but that is just something else to consider. Actually, it could actually work IF you showed measurable improvement in your behavior. But honestly, since he is so far away, I would let him go for now.
...............................
A
female
reader, needygf +, writes (5 September 2012):
needygf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Bondgirl72. Thank you for the kind words. I know I'm allowed to be emotional in situation like this. But I also know that, I want to be with him EVERY SECOND. I can't do anything before he replied my message. I'm not interested to talk to anyone but him. When I'm facing difficulties in life, I want him more because I want him to solve it for me. I want him to report his location wherever he goes (although i didn't tell him this because even I know it's crazy but I did have this thought). I want him to spend every waking second to be online for me. I was upset and angry to see him happy when we skype, I thought how can he be happy when he's not with me. Even though I didn't say it out loud, I'm sure that my attitude or tone had shown that.Now i really think that he won't give us a second chance. Why would he after me being so horrible.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 September 2012):
Also, when you're in a highly emotional situation as this, women are always, or usually, more visibly upset about it than men. Yes, you could have been clingy, but women are always labeled that way when they just want their man and they want him to understand. That's just the way a lot of us are. It doesn't make us clingy.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 September 2012):
I am wondering if you were really as needy as you say you are. Living apart is very hard work, and what you think might be neediness, might just be normal feelings that come up when two people who care about one another live apart. Emotions can run very high when you don't see your significant other, and it is very hard for people in LDRs to feel close to one another if they are not both trying to make the distance work.
You realize that people do have needs when living together or apart. It does not make someone "needy". It just sounds as if it was too hard for you and your guy to continue with the distance. It does not mean you failed, it just means that it was too hard. Don't be so down on yourself that your LDR did not work. A lot of them do not work and it is just because it is hard enough to have a relationship with someone you see every day, let alone having one with that much distance between you. When you are not together to actively build a relationship each day, it puts a lot of stress on people.
I do not see this as either your fault or his. DISTANCE creates a lot of issues that sometimes you cannot solve. Do you see what I am saying? The fact you were apart put a strain on both you and the relationship. It is really no ones fault.
...............................
|
