A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused single mother
writes:I apologize for my long description but truly appreciate any and all advice. I am embarrassed about the sitaution I have put myself in but thought you should have a thorough explanation. I just had a baby with my estranged husband who is dating someone else. I know I am very emotional after just delivering but I can't decide whether or not to divorce my husband...I don't exactly know where to begin. My husband and I have known each other since teenagers in 1998. We met at our first jobs working at a fast food restaurant. Since he is 2yrs older than me he waited for our first date which took place on my 18th birthday in May 1999. I began dating him even though my mother disapproved. She claimed it was her "mother's intuition." Before we knew it I was pregnant in October but sadly I had a miscarriage. We continued to date and slowly my parents accepted him. By Sept 2000 we found out again that we were pregnant. Being raised Catholic I always envisioned myself getting married first, then having children. Since he had all ready given me a promise ring we decided to get married as soon as possible. We got married in Jan 2001 and had our first daughter that March (She was born 2mos premature which took a toll on our marriage). Married at age 19 for me and 21 for him was no piece of cake. We were both immature. I would come home from work and he would be hanging out with friends in the living room while our daughter was in the bedrooom. Money was also always an issue because I was the one with the full-time job working as a Retail Manager paying our rent, utilities, 2 car payments, etc. He meant well but was only working part-time and in my opinion wasn't contributing enough financially. I have to admit that at that time I was losing respect for him as a man. I found myself having a crush on one of my employees. By our 1yr anniversary I confessed to him that I kissed my employee (It didn't go past kissing. We didn't have sex!). After that our marriage went downhill. I assume he lost all trust in me. His attitude completely changed. He wasn't coming home and I suspected him of cheating. In Feb 2003 we separated only to reconcile later that December. Over the years more history, unnecessary drama and financialy hardship caused us to separate again in June 2007. We agreed to be open with each other about dating other people...or so I thought. I was more open than he was. In July 2007 he began dating one of his employees (However, I didn't find out about her until April 2008). He had started a new Management job and quickly began dating her. To this day, he is still dating the same woman. She is 44yrs old with 3 adult male children. Her oldest son is only several years younger than me. I am 29yrs old and my husband is 31yrs old. Initially, I had no problems with her. She was kind to my daughter and they took her to many different amusement parks which my daughter loved. Over these years I have had three dating relationships myself. My last relationship ended in Sept 2009. During these years, my husband and I have been very much sexually intimate with each other. This is quite selfish of us because at this time we had no regard for other person who we were/are dating. For me, it was fun to have my cake and eat it too. I guess it was especially easy for us both since we saw each other quite often during shared weekends and weekdays with our daughter. We both knew what we were getting into but as a woman who is still in love with him I allowed myself to believe everything he said and says. In the beginning of last year he told me that he was going to officially end things with her. In June, we agreed he would move in with our daughter and me. However, I was upset that he continued to date her. He kept trying to reassure me things were over between them. On July 6, 2010 I received a phone call from my OBGYN telling me I was pregnant. Since, I hadn't been intimate with anyone else but him since my last relationship in 2009 I was 100% positive my husband was the father. That same day, I told him the news in person. To my shock, he didn't give much of a reaction. He didn't look happy or sad. His immediate reply was, "You gotta start eating healthy and taking prenatals." I asked him if he was going to tell her I was pregnant and end things. He said he would and I stupidly believed him. During the early months of my pregnancy he refused to tell his family I was pregnant. It wasn't until I was 4mos that he told his 3 siblings. Time was continuing to go by and I had no real confirmation that he wasn't dating her. He told me he wasn't so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. A week prior to me turning 5mos I had a conversation with his sister about our whole sitaution. She explained how even she wasn't convinced either that he stopped dating her. So, the following weekend his sister sent the other woman a text on Sunday, Oct 3rd saying, "On Wednesday --- finds out whether he's having a boy or girl." It turned out he never stopped dating her. He was spending Fridays, Saturdays and some Sundays with my daughter and I. Meanwhile he was seeing her throughout the week and on most Sundays. Here I thought we were going to reconcile our marriage but he was dating us both!!! The following day it was Monday night and I was getting ready for bed. Something told me to check my mailbox for mail. There was no mail, but there was a Coffee Bean napkin with a note from the other woman. It read, "There are some things I think you might want to know. If so you can call me @--- ---- I'm not here to upset you. I've been lied to and I think you might have been too." As soon as I finished reading this I called her. We spoke on the phone for a little over 3hrs. We compared stories. Basically, he was lying to us both. In the end, she assured me she wanted nothing to do with him. She said that her love for him was turning into hatred due to all his lies. She said it was up to me if I decided to be with him but that she would respect me as a woman and as a mother by staying away from him. She even went further by saying she would contact me if he tried to reach her. So when I saw him that Wednesday at my OBGYN appointment I confronted him. He didn't care that she and I spoke. He didn't even want to hear what we talked about. He said that we were just like each other. He said its best we just concentrate on the baby. And so we did. I continued to see him, spend time with him and his family. I naively assume that we would continue to try and work things out between us...even though he never clarified it. We had Halloween plans to take our daughter trick-or-treating but he canceled the day before by phone. His attitude was the complete opposite. He told me it was best we file for divorce. Two days later I received a text from his cousin who confirmed he was still dating her. This is when my sentiments towards this woman completely changed. I began to resent her and him. I told myself I needed to move on. My daughter was spending the night at my parents' home since I had to get prental labs done early the next morning. So, I decided to drop off some of his belongings at his house. His grandparents (who he still lives with) informed me that he was at his brother's home. It was on my way home so I decided to stop by. I called his cell phone twice, but he didn't answer. So when I pulled up to his brother's house it wasn't any surprise that her car was right in front. My husband didn't even let me go in the house. She stood at the front door window watching him yell at me trying to make me look "crazy" for just showing up. I cried, told him I didn't deserved to be treated like that especially in my delicate situation and then drove myself home. He called me later that night to apologize but I was too hurt to accept. The following morning I called him after my lab appointment and told him how I felt. To sum it up I requesting he not contact me, I would have our daughter call him every night before bed, how I will never forget how he treated me, how she and him deserved one another and how I can't wait for the day that the man I love will love me, love our daughters and raise them as his own. I then cut off all communication with him until a 2weeks later when he ended up in jail due to a warant for lack of resolving 2 DUIs. He was in jail for 5days. When he came out he called me and I allowed myself to speak to him. Then we met in person on my terms. He again told me he was "single" and asked if I had any hope left in our marriage. I explained to him how I had contacted a divorce lawyer and had mixed feelings. I told him I didn't know but given the holidays, I was willing to see where things went. The following week was Thanksgiving and we spent time together. Several weeks later I was having early contractions. I drove myself Friday evening to the hospital and was taken directly to high risk labor and delivery. I was diagnosed with placenta previa. He came the following evening and spent Sat. night with me at the hospital. At this time I told him I had might name our baby Emma or Ava. We were told the baby had an irregular heartbeat which was possbily due to my placenta previa. Surprisingly, I was discharged on Sun. On Mon. we went to see a specialist. My parents drove us. Thankfully, everything was ok with the baby's heart. Before I knew it, Christmas was nearly here. On Dec 23rd I received a random text from the other woman saying, "--- told me you guys have a name for the baby, i think its nice to name her after my mom...it will be like the daughter i never had, thank u." I didn't reply or try to contact her. I called him only to find out her mom's name is Emma. I was upset but never acted on my anger. The following day was Christmas Eve. I spent it with my family but he stopped by with his brother for a few mintues to drop off "Santa presents" for our daughter. On Christmas morning I agreed to drive to his house (34miles away) so that our daughter could see his family. It was nice until she kept calling his house. I knew it was her because he later confirmed (at this time his cell phone was turned off due to lack of payment). My daughter and I left later that afternoon. Several days later on New Years Eve we were supposed to go to his cousin's house but he canceled on us. He said he was going to play a poker tournament at a local casino (He thinks he plays poker professionally. He often travels to Las Vegas and Laughlin with her where they comp him for his room). So, my daughter and I spent it with at my parents' home. Later on New Years evening we picked him up from his house and he went with us to a family party on my side of the family. When we got back to my home, he played wii with our daughter for 20mins, we put her to bed and then 15mins til 12am he left. He said a friend was picking him up but it turned out it was her. I was hurt and felt so disrepected. He called me from his brand new cell phone he got the day before and I found out it was under her name. A few days past and my doctor put me on bed rest. He asked if he could please help me since I wasn't under strict doctor restrictions. He came to stay a couple days with us. Then one Sunday night at home with my daughter I was vomiting and the pressure caused my placent previa to escalate. I began bleeding down there. My parents immediatedly took me to the hospital while my younger brother stood to watch my daughter. I called him at home and on his cell but he claimed he had no ride (he is without a license because of his DUIs). My mom stood the night with me. The following morning I was also diagnosed with toxemia and delivered our daughter emergency c-section. He got to the hosptial right before my surgery started. I was allowed to have my mom and him in the room. He held my hand, told me he loved me, that he was sorry for everything and he was proud of me. Our daughter was born 1mo premature and was sent straight to the NICU. I was very sick and stood in the hospital nearly a week. While I was there I was alone each night. Even though I had asked him to stay with me he had excuses why he couldn't. But, on the day I was to be discharged he went to my house to prepare for the baby. He even had my carpets cleaned. He arrived at the hospital with his sister. She and her husband brought us home. For those first few days he was great taking care of me. He bought my meds, groceries and took our 9yr old daughter to play at the park. Thankfully, when our baby turned 1wk she was discharged from the hospital. It was so wonderful to bring her home! And he was great for the first week. He was cooking, cleaning and taking care of the baby during the night so I could sleep and recover from my surgery. After that he left for a few days (she picked him up) and came back last week Saturday to watch the baby while I was with my family and friends. It was my Baby Shower/Welcome Home Party. As soon as I came home that night he organized presents, washed and folded all the new baby clothes and he stood up all night with the baby so I could sleep. He spent Sat. Sun. and Mon. night with us. However, on Sun. he left @12noon came back @4pm, bought us dinner, left again @5pm and came back a lil before 10pm. And on Mon. he left @8pm then came back @11:30pm. Leaving like this wasn't the first time. I have no idea where he goes. He just says, "I have to take care of somethings." My mind only thinks to wonder if she is the one picking him up each time. I don't know why I let it bother me. It shouldn't but its been hard for me to have him staying at my house. He sleeps on the couch, but he comes out from the shower wearing only a towel, he makes me breakfast, lunch and dinner, we hang out during the day, spend family time when our daughter comes home from school. He does her homework with her and she reads aloud to him. It hurts me to watch the family life we could have. Through everything I still love him. I am very much attracted to him and he is still attracted to me (He would get arroused when helping me with me with those first couple of showers at home...due to the meds I could hardly do anything on my own). And so, I had a moment of weakness this past Tuesday. I iniated sex with him and we were intimate. It was nice but a little weird since we recently haven't hugged, kissed or really even touched each other. In fact, the last time we were intimate was Dec 5th of last year. I don't know what to do. Pleae help!!! Should I just divorce him??? When we talk I bring up divorce. He says, "If I wanted a divorce I would of done it a long time ago myself." He says he still loves me but his actions don't show it. He continues to be with the other woman. Geez, at this point I have turned myself into the other woman. We haven't been husband and wife in years. Our Marriage is just a piece of paper. I slept with him while he was and still is involved with her. I think I look like the stupid one. Yes, he's legally my husband but that's it! He makes it clear that we are NOT together. In fact, just this past Thursday we got into a huge arguement. His grandpa dropped him off, came in to visit the baby, then he and I took her to a doctor appointment. We couldn't even get along for 10mins..literally. When we got out from the appointment we went to pick up our other daughter from school and got into another huge arguement over something stupid. He left shortly after we got back to my house. I'm assuming she picked him up. Later that night when our daughter called to tell him good-night she told him how she just wants for mommy and daddy to get along. Then he told our 9yr old, "Baby, we just can't get along. Mommy and me aren't friends." I must admit that really hurt me. But I should have expected it...we aren't friends on FaceBook, everytime his phone rings (even if its his grandparents) he leaves the house and carries on his conversation near my garage where no one can hear. When you ask him anything he gives vague answers...to me, our daughter, even to his family. I don't know what to make of him. And on top of everything else, he's asking me to drop the open Child Support Case we have. Our newborn daughter will be 1mo old this Tuesday and I am starting to rethink his motivates for being nice. You see, in 2009 when I was in a relationship my boyfriend asked me to file for divorce so I did. However, I only did the first step and never went back because we broke up shortly after and then I thought I was getting back with my husband. Well, about two months ago I received a copy of Child Support paperwork from the County of Los Angeles. They were following up and ordered him to pay $463 a month for our 9yr old daughter. Last week I received paperwork via mail to add our newborn daughter. I told him before that the only way I would close the case is if he made the committment to me and our daughters...if he moved in and played both husband and father role financially, emotionally and physically. He never answered to this. Instead, he says I should close the case since he has been buying groceries, gas, getting my car serviced, buying diapers, wipes, formula, etc. He also plans to watch the baby here at my house when I return to work next month because neither one of us wants to burden my mom to watch her and since she was premature we have cautions about sending her to a daycare environment at only 2mos old. So, his logic is why should he pay child support if he's doing all this. I completely understand where he's coming from but I have to think of the best interest of our daughters. Plus, I have no guarantee he will consistently help me out financially. In addition, he has NO job, currently has NO license and lives with his grandparents. I think he will stop receiving unemployment this April and I'm not sure what his job plans are. So now he says if I keep the case open, he'll only come around to visit the girls because he has no other reason to be at my house. And he says he's gonna have to do what he's gonna have to do...file for divorce himself he says. Should I call his bluff??? Should I keep open the Child Support Case and see if he does anything or should I follow my heart, talk to him and see if we can actually reconcile our marriage? Or is it waaaaay too late??? I'll say it again I still love him very much. And I'm NO angel. I carried on an affair for a 2yrs that he has no idea about. I'm a big believer in karma and a part of me thinks I deserve his actions, but don't get me wrong...I have my limits. However, if he would cut off all ties with this woman and I spoke to her in person to confirm it was REALLY over I would take him back. I am willing to go to counseling for myself and us as a couple. Unfortunately, I don't know whether to follow my heart or my head. My heart says to try and make my marriage work not just becauase I love him, nor because I still see him as the man I go old with, but rather because I want to raise our daughters together as a happy loving family. Meanwhile, my head says to continue filing for divorce, collect child support, learn to let go of him and move on with my life.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (24 June 2011):
 So what's the story? Any news?
A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (6 February 2011):
Wow. Longest excerpt I've read on this site! Haha.
Okay, well, he will not stop dating this girl. He hasn't despite promises, and he never will as long as she wants to be in it. Because sex is such a powerful thing, it's no wonder you are still attracted to him... but I don't think it should be anything more than that. I think for the health of your children and for yourself, you should end it and do everything you can to make a new life for all of you. Honestly, I'd probably even move away from him just to concrete your resolve.
It's ultimately up to you, but my advice is to get away from him. He might be good with the kids every once in awhile, but when he can't have a steady relationship without lying, that will influence the children.
And yes, perhaps having an affair for two years is a big reason for this. It's not karma... it's just that you haven't earned trust so you haven't been given trust. When you go into a marriage, it's concrete. But you guys haven't been in a real marriage for years... get a divorce.
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