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I've relocated and quit my job and now I'm afraid he'll run off with someone who can give him children

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 February 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi folks, I don't know if anyone has been in a relationship with some one younger, I have been for coming up 3 years.

life is good, but one thing I'm young 44 just he's coming up 32.

I have grown up kids he has none.

when I met him he didn't want any but as the relationship has moved on he wants one only with me he says.

but I'm sterlised he knew this, he knows it will be an op for me to have the reversal, which I am willing to do,

He went on and on so much about my boys and has made it clear recently that he wants a child.

I think he resents my kids because we can't have what I had with someone else.

so I went and got a check up, a scan my fsh levels done and I'm fine.

ok there is no guarantee that it will work, and also he will need to do a test which he isn't to happy about, but he's never used protection all his single years and no one got pregnant.

anyway he told me to find a Dr to do it, there's a clinic 10 miles from us, and he was going to fund it, as I had to give up my job because he didn't want the separation, I worked away, so now I'm at home full time, and do everything around here.

so anyway arranged it all and now he has turned round and said it's too expensive, although you can use a pay plan, and he has a good income n no debts, and says I would have to go get a new job.

I had a job a great job that paid more than his, there's no work where we live.

my whole point isn't the job the money, it was the fact he went on and on till I said yes, and was excited and now he's put the mockers on it, and for me it was now or never.

I said to him shall we forget it then, he said yes, but I know it will be thrown back in my face next week again that he wants a baby.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, so now I think even though I love him, and he loves me it's the kiss of death, he'll run off with some else younger and that can give him kids, and I'll have relocated and my grown kids my job, for what? I can't stop crying.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016):

hi folks and thank you all for your insight wih regards to my problems.

so id like to address the situation with you all.

firstly my partner is mature, i would never have went out with him if he had been immature, in relation to the points, that he seems immature that is solely down to the fact, he wants what had before.

he is very responsible and also very thoughtful for most of the time, and he did his partying long before he met me.

he does want to marry me, firstly, and he does take care of me.

he has his own house and he built it from the ground at 25, he doesnt owe anyone anything, he doesnt bat and eyelid when it comes to periods or lady things, we love the same things, same music, and are really on the same wave length, 12 years isnt such a huge different, and i know he could get anyone, hes gorgeous and has so many good points, its just the baby situation.

i actually have two friends older than me that are having a baby, one naturally the other ivf they are fine and healthy, ones partner is 14 years younger and have been together 8 years.

my whole point was i agreed to having this op, and to have our own baby, not just for him but for me as well.

i was sterilied at a very young age not for my benefit, but i had a child that had behaviour problems and i didnt think it was fair on the family to have more, even though i didnt feel my family was complete.

since i was sterilised its been a painful time, emotionally and i have problems since with terrible pains and heavy periods and pms, all linked to having been sterilised.

i had the tests and i am fine, noting is gaurenteed and you could have problems at any age with disabilities etc, i also lost a child at 8 months old so its not been easy.

i sat my partner down on saturday and explained how i was feeling and i didnt think it was fair to make plans and to let me down.

i said we wouldnt have a future together and he would run off with some one else, he assured me that is not the case, he doesnt want anyone else, and hes in love with me.

he wants a life with me regardless if we do or dont have a baby, he wants to marry me.

he has also said he didnt think he could commit to being in debt, and owing someone, and says he would have rather waited a few months till, he had more money to put into it, but he will read into funding.

he doesnt like owing people money.

he said about me getting a job, its to get me out the house and meet people as i knew nobody, he said he understands im at home and its just money for myself, he doesnt want it.

i did love my job thought but ive been at home months now and my savings dried up.

so whether or not we have a baby or not, i think it was good to sit down and talk.

there is no gaurentees in life, regardless of age, or fertility, i think i just jumped the gun, and in my head it was all worse than it was.

i thank you for your comments .

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (7 February 2016):

Men with significantly older women just dont work out that often in long term relationships.

Kids are one big reason. The realities of the dating marketplace is another big one.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (6 February 2016):

eddie85 agony auntI am sorry to see you going through this.

Sadly, people often change their minds about children. Countless marriages and relationships have broken up because a couple were assumed they were or were not going to have children, only to have one person change their mind.

I hope you stick to your guns about your decision. At your age, there is a higher chance of birth problems and it sounds like something clearly you aren't in for. A child should be wanted by both parents.

There is no easy solution here. Is it possible to hedge your bets and see if your old job would take you back -- just in case? Do you think he'd be heartless and simply throw you out on the street?

The sad thing is you've sacrificed an incredible amount of your life for this. Hopefully he'll stick to his end of your "agreement" and you won't have to make a decision on this. Although, I really hope you take stock of what you are gaining out of this whole transaction. You don't seem to have a lot going for you outside of this relationship.

Eddie

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016):

i dont understand why you want more children? Only because of him Not a good idea. You are too old to have kids, you are done. Its not fair to a kid to have an old mother like this.

If he wants kids so desperately then he needs to find a younger woman who can have children naturally and is more suitable for that.

I dont think you guys are going to last, in all honesty. He is in different stage of life. Unless you just remain lovers

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 February 2016):

Honeypie agony aunt

I'm 100% with Ciar.

He KNEW going into this that you could not have kids without surgery. He offered to pay, till he heard how expensive it is.... YOU did all the legwork so that HE can be fulfilled, only to have him pull the rug - not on himself, but on you. Seriously.

GET your financial independence back and do it ASAP. Even if the only jobs you can get aren't as good as the one you left, or better still.... see if you can get your old job back, even if that means moving back.

HE is putting up all these roadblocks and he "crippled" you financially- which means he is 100% in charge. If he wants to toss you out... he can do so. It's all his way or the highway. Not a good place for you.

I think he liked the idea of the two of you... but not the reality as much.

Dry your eyes and start being smart. Is this really where you want to be? Unemployed, away from your family and dependent on a man you aren't 100% secure off? If not, then GET OFF YOUR ASS and do what YOU need to do to get back to a life where you felt happy.

YOU do NOT owe this man a child. What load of rubbish is it of him to think that.

STOP putting him first, put yourself first and figure out what you really want then DO IT!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016):

He seems immature and you seem too eager to please him. Sorry. 32 is still very young in this society of ours, especially when men are concerned.

I'm sure you know that bringing a new human being into this world is the biggest responsibility. What worries me is that you obviously decided once that you didn't want any more children. Of course you can change your mind, but I'm afraid that you're doing it just for him. Just as you left the better paying job (your security!) and moved to live with him, where you have no job and no independence.

It seems that he doesn't like you being too dependent on him (he is insisting you should get a new job). I'm sorry again, but it is contradictory. If he cannot accept a minor expense (to check his own fertility) and asks you to get a job, how will he support his child and his partner (you), once the baby arrives? It just feels as if he doesn't want to be responsible for you.

I'm not saying that relationships with your age gap never work out, but I don't know a single one in my surroundings that did. Sooner or later, the man wants out. And it's usually not because he wants kids. You know that. Unless you are prepared on ALL levels to be a mother and possible an only parent to your child in mid-forties, I'd forget about it and enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Do not try to "bribe" him with another human being. If he loves you and wants to share his life with you he'll stay. If he really wants kids, he'll be serious about it.

For now, to me with the little info you provide, he seems immature.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (5 February 2016):

Ciar agony auntOne mistake you've made here is once he expressed interest in having a child YOU did all the running around, gathering information and getting tests. He didn't lift a finger.

What I think you should have done was let him find his own doctor, book an appointment and get whatever tests he needed, and gather whatever information he could. That would have a)shown you how serious he was, b)would have saved you a lot of wasted time and effort, and c)given him power over his own reproduction (he wouldn't later be able to accuse you of pushing this on him - he might not have done this YET).

I suggest you work on regaining your financial and emotional independence. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position results in you becoming needy and controlling with him, which turns him off and leaves you even more vulnerable and so on...Start getting yourself back on track. There must be SOMETHING in your area, even if you have a bit of a commute.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 February 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI can understand why he has changed his mind, am sure plenty of men or women think they don't want children until one day they wake up and decide that maybe they do. Off course this is tough in your position, as with your age not only may it be difficult but it is a challenging age to have a new born baby. Have you thought it through? Having to start all over again with a new born?

It sounds like he could be somewhat controlling and possessive. He resents that you have had children with someone else, yet he knew this before he met you and still he got with you, so he needs to put this to bed or else he will just end up bitter. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, I would be afraid to have a baby with him in case he decides it is not what he wants and leaves you pregnant to go start a new adventure.

You say you had to give up your work because he didn't want the separation, but what did you want? It sounds like he says jump and you say how high. You need to stand up for yourself more. He has turned you in to his very own nanny who cooks and cleans for him. He is now telling you to get a new job, it seems to me like he is controlling your life, when it should be you yourself. I would have a long think and ask yourself is this really what you want?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016):

If you've got all this going on in your head, it ultimately is going to have some adverse-effect on the relationship.

This is where many women began to sabotage their relationships out of self-fulfilling prophesy.

You knew from the very start that dating and eventually committing to a much younger man will eventually give-way to the possibility of marriage, and his desire to father children. So why now the hindsight?

You had every opportunity to heed the negative aspects or impending problems of May-December romances. Having children being the greatest.

Most workout in-spite of of the many challenges. However; your angst can't be well hidden. He has to sense it big time! Eventually it will come to the surface, and become an argument or source of friction between you.

You're displaced, gave up a good career, and blindly followed your heart. Now comes the trepidation and concern of what might happen in the future. That was to be considered before pulling up your roots and stable life and relocating, my dear.

If you ask me, I wouldn't even consider being a single-mother; unless I had a solid commitment from the father.

He hasn't even considered marrying you, but wants you to bear his kid to prove he can make a baby.

You'll have to face the possibility that he could want a younger woman of child-bearing age. However; the same could happen with a man older than yourself, who has grown children of his own; and just may decide to want to be a dad again out of the clear blue. Children without a marriage commitment just doesn't sit well with me. Marriage assures children of their birth-rights and inheritance.

It offers them security and stability. Legally, neither parent can just up and abandon them.

My advice, cross that bridge when you get there. You can try. That's all you can do. If you can get pregnant, so be it.

Be honest. Strongly suggest the possibility that you can't have children; and/or he might even be sterile, or have a very low sperm-count. The fact is, it's just as likely he can't father children, as you aren't able to conceive.

If he keeps bringing up wanting children, discuss a surrogate, adoption; or as the last resort, a break-up.

Children deserve parents truly committed to each other.

You are worried about having his baby, over the possibility of becoming a single-mother late in life. He may not even want to be a father; once he actually faces the serious demands and financial commitment it requires.

Do you really want to be a mother again? I'd like to know. Or is it to please and keep him? That's not a reason to do it. Haven't you sacrificed enough for this guy?

Stop crying. Face-up to your decisions.

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