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I've never had feelings like this before, but I'm getting whiplash!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Friends, Friends with Benefits, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 November 2016)
A female South Africa age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Ok, so here it is: A couple months ago i met this guy, and it was instant attraction from both sides. Physical attraction that i have NEVER felt before, but what was strange is that there was the emotional attraction as well. We are very good together, the playfulness, interests, personality, humor, music, movies... And the list goes on. One other thing that is amazing, is that we have never felt the need to lie to each other, from other relationships or friends or friends with benefits (all the usual things you try keep buried when you starting up a relationship of some sort). But the problem is he has a girlfriend. He in the beginning played it down saying that they were just seeing each other and it was long distance, which was fine cause i had the same thing. Because of this, i didn't stop myself from falling for him, and i did, hard. And then one night about a month ago he opens up to me and tells me he is falling in-love with. Not that he loves me or thinks he is, but that he "is falling in-love with me". This took me back as i didn't know his feelings were as strong as mine. And then i went and did something stupid, I admitted i did too *Blady idiot*.... And thats when everything went down hill.

From there, he started ignoring me, starting fights with me over nothing and just being an ass whole in general. I went to drop off some of his stuff that was at my house, and at first he barely talks me, but then when i say i have to speak to him, he comes back without any arguments. He says he doesnt care, and then he kisses me. He tells me i must go and not look back, but he did (yes, i looked back) Then he says i must forget about him, but he keeps messaging me and starting conversations with me.

On top of that very strange night, when we have seen each other again (same group of friends, very hard to avoid each other) he still smiles at me and is flirtatious and winks at me and finds every excuse to touch me (maybe i am just reading too much into it, but its what i feel). I am a Gemini, I hate not knowing whats happening and getting confused. So i grew a pair and asked him what was up. Apparently, it was too much too soon.

I seriously am getting whiplash here. If it was any other guy, i would have forgotten about him or something worse for playing with my feelings. But this guy, these feelings, i have never felt anything like it before. I honestly think i fell in love with him the first night i met him (which i will never admit). What do i do? How do i get him to just be straight with me?

View related questions: fell in love, flirt, friend with benefits, has a girlfriend, long distance

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (3 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntHe is playing with you. This dude has a girlfriend. You say first you did not need to lie to each other then you said he has a girlfriend but he downplayed it to someone he was just seeing. Therefore to me that sounds like lying. I am sorry you have fell for him, but you where both playing with fire and now it looks like you have got burnt. I think he said he was falling for you to see what you would say, he was testing the waters. You need to do the right thing and end it, he belongs with his girlfriend and he is just using you for a bit off fun because she is not around.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

All the signs of a guy with a girlfriend, but setting himself up for a future affair. He is conflicted as to how to cheat without getting caught; since you have mutual friends; who obviously know he has a girlfriend. It's got to look like you're some crazy female chasing him and he can't make you leave him alone. Thus he feeds you tidbits telling you he's falling for you. Yeah, right!

Cut your losses, girlfriend! He's not available and he's seeking women on the side. Not just you. As players go, they peak your interest, be everything you want a guy to be, and then play hot and cold. Once they know you're hooked, the games begin.

Delete his number, shutdown your schoolgirl infatuation, and be a big girl. You should never allow yourself to fall too fast for guys; and keep your "brain next to your heart." Don't give your heart the wheel or it'll drive you over a cliff; always keep your mind in what you doing and feeling. So you can maintain a little control over your feelings and emotions. Take time to develop chemistry and to evaluate the object of your affections.

It's not an established relationship; it's just a guy you met and grew fond of. Now cut him off before he gets too deep into your system.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntBlock him and move on.

I agree with N91, this guy is just using you. For attention, drama, sex, ego stroke.

That isn't LOVE, that is TAKING advantage. And he knows JUST how to play you with a bit of push and pull action.

He has a GF, have you for ONE minute put yourself in HER shoes? Do you even care? And if you don't and HE doesn't... DO you really think he would TREAT you any better than he is treating his GF?

Don't waste your time, emotions and effort on a guy who ISN'T yours and CAN'T be yours.

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A female reader, NorthCenter United States +, writes (31 October 2016):

Wow, seems like he is scared of his feelings for you. I think that maybe, give him some time to figure out what he want and he will come running to you when he is ready.

I myself feel the same way as you. This guy flirted with me and I had no interest in him than after a year, I started liking him back so I showed him that and he backed off. I gave him space Then out the blue a couple weeks later he showed me he had deep feelings by hugging me tight and rubbing my face and hair, he also told me how much he missed me. And the feelings that I am feeling for him, are feelings I've never felt before, crazy feelings. He told me he felt the same way as far as having strong, crazy, feelings. A couple weeks ago he picked me up and hugged me tight, and he called me his baby when before I was just his friend and then the next time I saw him I felt like he was avoiding me again, and I think it's because we are getting closer. But we both have these deep feelings and we haven't said the love word yet but he would say, man I really missed u and need to hug you, then i would reply, I know..he then would say...that's right, you know about these feelings too.

But I am so annoyed it seems like he is avoiding me. I hate this feeling so much.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (31 October 2016):

N91 agony auntWell firstly, this guy has a girlfriend so you shouldn't really be getting involved with each other anyways. Did this not give any red flags that he's willing to cheat?

Look, you always want what you can't have, when someone pours their heart out to you, you don't want them. When they act reserved and you don't know where you stand, you can't get enough. Realistically that's not healthy at all. I've been there myself so I understand it's not as easy as saying stop speaking to that person. But if he's saying he's falling in love with you and you're falling in love with him yet he stops speaking to you does that not sound odd? Doesn't make any sense whatsoever to me and just sounds like he's trying to mess with your head.

If he has a girlfriend you know he's open to the idea of a relationship and you are in love with each other then why would he stop speaking to you? I think he has been pretty straight to be honest by telling you to move on. You should do as he says because I'm pretty sure this will only end up in heartbreak for you.

I'm not convinced he's falling in love and personally I think he's just saying things like that to get you wrapped around his finger. If he already has a gf it sounds like he's using you as his plaything to occupy him whilst she's not there.

Think about it like this, if you guys were meant for each other then why aren't you together? Try and think of a single, legitimate reason because I can't think of one one say you're 'in love' with each other.

Cutting contact and trying to move on would be the best course of action.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe's playing you. He's not available because he's in a relationship.

Have you left your partner now?

You need to cut this guy off, even though it's hard. This isn't what love is.

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