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I may have lost the love of my life and perfect girl to commitment phobia! Now that I want her back, she's completely blanked me out!

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2016) 8 Answers - (Newest, 3 November 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I think Ive ruined things with the love of my life

Ive been with my girl 8 years since school she's absolutely stunning that's why I fancied her initially I just wanted to have sex with her but we were 16 she ended up making me wait 8 months and that's when I got to know her and fell in love and I never looked back. The sex is Soo good not just because of her amazing body but it's so adventurous. She's wildly funny and outgoing and is annoyingly intelligent she has a great job. My friends adore her she's like one of the boys we support the same football team so she sometimes comes to games with us and she can down a pint like the best of them she's so caring sweet and kind I don't think she's ever put herself first we dnt live together and both spend time with our friends she never puts pressure on me to spend time with her n not them until recently but il get to that. She's my best friend.

I've never spoke to her about commitment but I love her and see my future with her.

She asked me two days ago what I would think about moving in together and I said I'd think about it she didn't make out like it was make or break and said to take the time I need.

I spoke to my mum about it she thinks my girlfriend is great and said we get on so well she couldn't see why it took so long.

Then I spoke to my friends and they said my dream girl is now turning into a typical girl and il be trapped in a couple of months.

So being an idiot I said no she asked why I said I wasn't ready for commitment I was quite harsh with her I told her I wasn't ready to leave my mates and to get over the idea for now. She responded through teary eyes and a shaking voice and said she was finished with me she explained why I asked why she never told me how important it was to her she said she didn't want me to make the decision based on an ultimatum if she'd told me I'd loose her I would of done it . So I let her go. I'm angry at her for not telling me what it meant to her.

Im going out of my mind I love her now I know I want to marry this girl not because she dumped me but because I love her.

So she's completely cut contact she got her friend to bring me a letter she wrote me as she wanted to give me closure because things ended abruptly its simply says that she's grown up and I havnt and if I'm not ready to live with her after 8 years there's no point in continuing but she loves me and hopes I find happiness.

It's been a week now how can I contact her to tell her I want all those things I was just being a scared commitment phobe . She never made out like she had a problem not being my priority she should of given me more of a chance seeing as this is so sudden.

View related questions: best friend, fell in love, trapped

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (3 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntShe should not have to try and get you to show her you want her. You should be mature enough to understand that you need to show her how much she means to you. After all these years you have taken her for granted. You have messed up. Simple as that. I would have done the same thing she done. She is a lot more maturer than you. I think you need to put a lot of work in now if you are going to win her back. That means big gestures and thinking about the things she likes and the things you both want. Time to put the hard work in to winning her back. She needs to know now how much she means to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

wow, you really did mess up. you could ring her and ask to meet and explain everything how you love her and want to have a future together and explain that you messed up and you really do want to move in together but take things slowly because your worried the moving in together part because you havent done it before, tell her you are sorry for hurting her.put alot of effort and attention her way, show her lots of love and compassion, also do a big gesture to prove your commitment and love for her? take her away on a romantic holiday, get her a special gift, i dont know maybe something she has told you she would really like, something that would make her happy? obviously you hurt her so she isnt going to forgive and forget straight away you will need to be persistant and not give up. it will be difficult but if you really love her and see a future with her you need to do this. she may not ever forgive you. some girls would give you another chance, some might not depends on the girl. but please be prepared for that.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (1 November 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntI have to be honest. You fucked up.

Now its time to win her over. Dont be a pussy and write her a letter or all that jazz. Have you seen romantic movies? Make something of it.

Show up at her work, approach her, BE SINCERE and say everything u said to us---to her. Make it clear. Apologize and be sincere.

I honestly think its a stupid idea to move in together though. Cohabitation before marriage will end any relationship, I dont get why people continue to do it unless you plan to never marry or you are a older committed couple with no need for marriage. Never make your future spouse a room-mate. But if you want to know how someone lives, visit them and observe.

Look sweetie, she suggested the idea to move in together NOT to live with you, but because all these years shes been with you and loyal...and you never asked her to marry you. She saw or believed that once you move in together, it may push you ask her hand in marriage. Youve never committed your heart to his amazing girl and you broke her heart in pieces when you harshly broke it off.

Either she accepts you back or she moves on. Its up to you to make it up to her. Then back off and wait to see if she comes back. But you cant write a stupid letter or if you do, you have to deliver it in the most amazing way. My suggestion is walk up to her, take her off guard and show her your feelings.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (1 November 2016):

N91 agony auntYou've let your mates get inside your head. If you know you want to marry her then why would you say no? It makes no sense. Moving in with your girlfriend is not the end of your life, it doesn't mean you could never see your mates anymore or do any of the stuff you were used to doing so I'm really not sure why you've freaked out over it.

I'm sorry but I really don't know if you'll be able to win her back as its very, very clear how much this meant to her and you can't be angry at her for not Declaring how important as let's be realistic here I think pretty much anyone will agree that moving in with someone else is a big and possibly scary milestone.

If she's blocked you on everything then ruby birtles suggestion is a good one. I definitely wouldn't recommend just showing up at her door as that could turn into a heated encounter especially if she doesn't want to see you.

The only hope you've got now is just being honest with her and telling her that you were a bit worried and freaked out a little but now you've had more time to think about it that you realise there's nobody else that you can see spending your life with.

Best of luck

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (1 November 2016):

Presumably you know where she lives after 8 years together so write her a letter.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

You're blaming your mates but really you didn't want to live with your ex gf and that's why she dumped you. If you really recognised what a catch she was you'd have considered it after 8 yrs.

Your ex knows all this which is why she's ended it. I can't see her getting back with you; why should she? You indicated she's not a priority for you and no matter what you say now it's too little too late.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

Your ex girlfriend showed maturity beyond her years and did exactly the right thing in not putting pressure on you to move in with her. You though, failed to see how important it was and disregarded her. I don't get why you think you'd have to give up your friends just because you move in with someone but any reservations you had should have been discussed with her. Instead you were rude and dismissive.

In truth this was probably the straw that broke the camels back and there will have been other reasons why she ended it.

Most relationships end suddenly. It was up to you to show your ex you loved her, prioritised her and saw a future with her. That's the way it works, no-one can read your mind.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (1 November 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntActually, what happened was that you listened to your mates instead of your girlfriend, or even your mother.

You are not mature enough for a committed relationship.

I suggest you go back to those mates whose advise you listened to and have a few beers....

As for you saying she should have given you more of a chance to show you are the priority, well mate, you have had 8 years, how much longer do you need?

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