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I've never dated and have started wondering what's the point?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2016)
A male Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

A bit of background info. I'm a 25 year old guy whose never been on a date or with a girl at all. For as long as long as I can remember i've severely lacked the confidence in myself to approach a girl i like let alone ask her out and the few times I actually have, it's ended up in rejection. One of these times was asking the girl I'd had a crush on throughout all of high-school to prom and another and most recent one, telling one of my best friends (at the time) I had very strong feelings for her which ultimately ended horribly.

These events and a combination of other factors have led to me to become increasingly pessimistic about love and relationships. I've seen friends and classmates with their significant others saying how much they love him/her only to have it end.

I've now started to think, what's the point? Sure you meet someone you really like and you date a while and then it comes to an end. Sure you may find out that he/she wasn't right but you're still left hurting and I ask myself why put yourself through that?

Maybe it's just me being bitter about being rejected so many times without a bit of success here or there but I've really started to ask myself "why go through that?" It's not that I feel all relationships should be a piece of cake or shouldn't come with hardships but it's the fear of putting so much effort in and giving your heart to someone and having it broken

One last thing that's kind of put me off as well is that so many people I know started dating when they were in high-school and have gone through that stage where they've had the time to "weed" out some guys/girls that didn't work and I feel like I've completely missed out on that period of trial and error and feel like i've run out of time to make those mistakes and that there is now added pressure to make any relationship I get into really "count" for lack of a better term

Any help on these issues is greatly appreciated

Thanks

View related questions: best friend, confidence, crush, period

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016):

What I'm going to say may sound harsh but it's intended to hopefully help you.

In your post I hear desperation. Over thinking and over dramatizing.

For you to tell your good friend that you have 'very strong feelings for her' would have probably put her off. Why? Because it's way too much too soon....for HER. You've known for a long time, or you had known, about your feelings and you've had time to get used to the idea. She hadn't. For you to just come out with 'I have very strong feelings for you' would have freaked her out. True, if she didn't return those feelings then nothing would have helped, but the art of seduction is there for a reason. Don't go straight for the punch line. Think how the other person would feel receiving news of this kind.

Imagine yourself in her shoes. She's sitting with a good friend and he suddenly bares his heart to her, no holds barred. It would have shocked her, made her retreat. Instead imagine that you had started flirting a little, being a little more attentive, playful. Had fun with her. Built from there. Saw what happened.

YOU knew how you felt before you told her, because you'd lived it for ages, but she had no clue, so to her it was like stepping in to a cold shower.

Love happens all the time, all around. But you have to be secure in yourself and living your life and feeling content and happy BY YOURSELF first. Putting such pressure on yourself to find the right relationship in a certain time frame is pointless. No-one knows when you will meet the woman you'll marry or settle down with. So what you do is live your life FOR YOU. Doing what makes YOU happy. Carry on as if you would if there was absolutely no chance that you were going to meet someone. Because that is all anyone ever does. You can only live your life to the best of your ability, finding your passions, your hobbies, your work. And while you're busy making yourself happy, whatever that entails that doesn't include the opposite sex, that's when and where you'll meet someone. You can't make it happen as you know so you have to learn to let go of all the pressure and worry because that will show and put people off. Relax and be a fun and happy person. Learn to take life as it comes but there isn't actually a choice to do otherwise. Lighten up and good luck x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016):

I wouldn't worry too much about this, seriously. I think you're lacking some perspective because of your age. I'm a guy who is about ten years older than you, so I have a little more experience.

You haven't lost opportunities for "trial and error". Typically, a "round two" of dating starts in your late 20s. A lot of the relationships people are in from their early or mid-20s will break down for whatever reason. Both women and men go into this second round with updated experiences and preferences.

A woman who may have only been attracted only to "bad boys" or "athletes" in her early 20s may be looking for a more responsible or down-to-earth guy in her late 20s or early 30s. Qualities you represent may be more appealing than they were 5 years ago.

People will still be taking a trial and error approach to dating and will still be weeding out bad apples, but they will be going into this with a new set of parameters, ones that may better reflect you.

One tip: be stylish and confident. Believing you are a winner and dressing like one is 90% of this. Confidence is the most attractive quality a man can project.

Good luck and don't give up.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (29 October 2016):

mystiquek agony auntDating/being in love is a tricky thing...there are no guarantees. You are taking a risk, that's for sure. Maybe you'll get lucky..and then again maybe you won't. Most of us have had failures/heartbreak and disappointments. I know very people that have married the first person that they dated, or at least married them and it lasted! Its up to YOU..do you want to take the risk? Or just sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else? Lets face it, no one likes being hurt and rejected, but its going to happen. There are so many people in the world though, certainly you'll come across someone eventually that you will click with. IF..you put yourself out there.

Love doesn't discriminate against age..so don't think you are ever too old! I've seen people in their 80's fall in love and get married.

Believe in yourself and keep trying. Its usually much more fun to play than to watch..don't you think??? Good luck sweetie!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 October 2016):

If you hadn't put your age, I would have assumed you were a lot older than you are (i.e. around 50 or older). You haven't "missed out" on anything - yet. Yes, some people start dating when they are still in school, but many others don't start till much later. It's not a race. You are hardly past your "sell by date" at your age!

Rejection is part of life. Just because you get rejected by one or two girls does not mean others will do the same. Not everyone is everyone else's idea of perfect boyfriend/girlfriend material, but one person's "not for me thanks" is someone else's "ooh yes please".

With the girl who was your friend, I suspect being told, our of the blue, that you had "strong feelings" for her came as a shock, as she had obviously never thought of you that way. As far as she was concerned, you were "just" a friend. She was probably embarrassed and uncomfortable and wondered if she had led you on in any way. It may have been better, for both of you, if you had tested the ground much more subtly before making such an announcement.

Do you not fancy giving internet dating a go? One big advantage to meeting people this way is that you all have the same agenda, i.e. to find a partner. There are no "just friends" misunderstandings. Yes, you may still get rejected, because not all relationships work out, but I would think you will stand a better chance of getting dates and honing your social skills.

Good luck.

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